Another dizzy-free day. Not sure how long it’ll last, but I’m enjoying it while it does. The doctor said I could come to see her sooner, and I’d like that, only I still have to do the lab a week before seeing her, and Tom would have to take more time off to take me. He already put in to have the first off, so since the earwax kit seems to be helping, I’m going to just hang tough for the next 16 days, as I told her. She said it was possible earwax could be the cause and recommended Debrox, another OTC de-waxer. I’ll keep it in mind if the one we have doesn’t continue to help. I just did the last treatment. 

I slept better last night too, again having taken a lorazepam before bed. 

Giving my brain a break having finished the Dutch course before I begin reviewing my Italian. 

We went for a bike ride even though it was pretty hot. The hat I got in Mexico saved me. My pink sparkly cap would only blow off my head, so I wore my Mexican one because it has a drawstring under the neck. 

Although I’m not fond of the limited skipping, I like Pandora more than I thought I would. They seem to have a bigger selection than AP. 

Last night I dreamed I was at some outdoor event that may’ve been a concert of some kind. We were in this covered area sitting at one of many tables. It was dark and the people appeared as silhouettes. 

I had to pee and wove my way through the people sitting at their tables and toward the bathroom. I leaned a hand on one table to steady myself and a woman went off on me for it. Not sure if she swore at me, but I sure swore at her all the way into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Outside I could hear two women talking about finding someone in particular to discuss the matter with, but I didn’t care. They’d been rude and I’d reacted.

One of Mike’s sons replied to my message saying: Fuck you. I'd threaten your life but you living is the most perverse torture anyone could conceive. My parents are both saints you sick little puppy dog. You will be reincarnated as an aborted baby. Good night silly bitch. 

Wow. That’s pretty vicious for what I would expect of a son of Mike’s. I’m surprised he didn’t block me. I never heard any more from the obvious nutjob, so I didn’t block him. I just replied with, “Good one. Good night to you, too.” That’s all I have to say to this one cuz this is the type of person to stalk the shit out of someone if you piss them off bad enough. 

How can I be reincarnated if I was aborted, though? LOL 

Today was much better as far as the dizziness goes. Maybe my ear really was a factor, but I don’t expect to be perfect. In just over 2 weeks I will discuss it with A. Like Tom said, though,  O would never have released me if she thought it was anything serious. 

I still miss the me that had little more than just allergies, earaches and toothaches. I had no idea peri would bring me so much hell. Not too much anxiety or racy heart lately, though, and those are the worst symptoms one could have, so that’s good. Just some hot flashes, fatigue, shitty sleep, and a whole lotta dizzies. 

Last night I slept better than the night before because I took a lorazepam before bed. I definitely tend to feel better during the day if I’ve slept well the night before 

It was a fun and productive weekend overall, but Sunday was definitely better than Saturday cuz I felt better. The only thing we didn’t get to was changing the washers in the master shower. He fixed the motion sensor light in front, changed the wiper blades on the car even though it shouldn’t rain for months, and did a lot of landscaping. He also cleaned the air conditioner’s filter. 

One of the coolest things is that after a year and a half of studying nearly every day, I have passed the Dutch course, completing all the lessons within the “tree!!!” Next up is Italian review. 

I just wish weekends didn’t go so fast. I still don’t like being alone for long periods at a time, and despite the big bucks it brings, Tom is really hoping for little to no OT this week, but that’s not usually how it works. 

We had an AMEX gift card, a Best Buy gift card and a Chili’s gift card. We decided not to go to Chili’s because it was Sunday and would be too crowded. We’ll save that for a weekday. 

We went to Best Buy first where Tom got blue earbuds to listen to music at work. 

After that, we went to Target. It wasn’t as crowded as Walmart, of course, but it was still fairly crowded, and oh, those screaming brats. 

It was still fun to get out and do some shopping even if we didn’t really need anything for the most part. We got over $100 of stuff yet it only cost us $30. He did get a really nice pair of what we guess is called pruning shears. They sort of look like these giant metal cutters. He also got new wiper blades for the car. 

I looked at sheets both in the store and on Amazon because we could use a couple of new sets, and I honestly don’t know where to begin. Every type of sheet at every price has conflicting reviews. So who am I to believe? I try to go by a ratio of good to bad, but sometimes that one bad review just seems so awful that I am hesitant to take a chance on the product. 

I asked a lady at the store where the slippers were and she said they didn’t have any now because that was a seasonal thing. Not even a second later, I turned and crossed the aisle and there were a few scattered pairs mixed in with the pajamas. I grabbed a pair of slip-on slippers with an open back since the cheap fleece ones I got from Amazon aren’t the greatest. 

I also got a pack of neon-colored ankle socks in six different colors, and a gorgeous necklace where the chain is gathered with a small gold clasp at the chest and then two chains dangle down toward my bellybutton, each with a clear crystal hanging off the ends. 

Lastly, I got a fat Barbie with burgundy hair that wears a blue dress that matches her shoes and her eyes. She’s from the Fashionista collection. Barbie has gotten amazingly realistic, diverse and beautiful over the years and makes for great decorative pieces, IMO. 

We both got some treats and some frozen goodies. 

Last night I dreamed I was in what may’ve been a fairly busy restaurant. A young waitress asked me to see if I got any bad vibes from someone in section 3. I agreed, but once I got to section 3 I realized I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to see what kind of vibes emanated from, as the waitress hadn’t specified any specific person. 

It was nighttime in another dream, and I went to use a commercial bathroom somewhere. It was a large bathroom in a large store, sort of like what you’d find in Walmart or someplace like that. Suddenly I realized the floor was wet and I only had socks on my feet. I went down the rows of stalls hoping for a dry one I could get into in my socked feet, but there was water everywhere. The dream people did not want me emptying my bladder, haha. 

At night when the traffic has died down, I love to relax in bed and listen to my audiobook. I think I’ll go do that now, even if that sometimes makes me tire down earlier than I’d like.

Saw fairly recent pics of Mike M and his wife Daryl. I hate to say it, though neither one ever did anything wrong to me, but they both look great for their age, as do their sons. Mike just has a slight gut and Daryl probably doesn’t look great naked, but she otherwise looks fine. 

As hurt and as jealous as I once was over his choosing her over me, things really do work out for the better in the long run. Yes, some people truly do seem to have it all, but I wouldn’t trade Tom for the world! He wouldn’t have been abusive, but he would’ve definitely been all wrong for me. 

I wonder, though… was Daryl really the only one? Ok, so he didn’t like me because I was troubled and you know the rules for me… no serious, OMG kinda lust allowed. But if he could fall for one student, couldn’t he have fallen for others? I just find it hard to believe he hasn’t cheated on her at some point, but what’s really amazing is that they stayed together all these years. He was about 25 and she was about 16 when they met. Now she’s a year older than me while he’s a year older than Tom. 

Of course I couldn’t resist playing with Daryl and the sons (couldn’t find Mike’s account) on Facebook, not that they’ll get the message. And Kim, too. 

I’m only keeping my Twitter account till June when my sweep subscription expires, so I might as well have some fun. 

Found some more fan sites of Kim’s through Facebook. It’s gotta be driving her crazy that I can still tweet to her on blocked accounts, LOL. A definite glitch Twitter oughta fix. 

Later… 

Wow! Aly apologized to me on my-diary a couple of days ago and I didn’t know it till today. I rarely log into my-diary anymore. She apologized for tweeting the less-than-kind things she tweeted before cutting ties with me. She admitted she shouldn’t have lied and kept things from me like she did, and that the reason she dumped me was due to my being overly blunt and critical. 

She’s right. I can be very stubborn and opinionated at times. But I never in a million years meant to intentionally bring her down or offend her in any way. I had NO idea I was having that effect on her and I’m very sorry I did. 

It’s easy to swear we’ll never forgive someone who burned us that we were never close to, but it’s usually easier said than done when it comes to those we were close to. She said she could probably beg at my feet (though she also admitted she was doing it more for her than for me) for forgiveness and still not get it, but of course I forgive her. We had too many good times for me to stay mad at her forever, and I told her this in my reply to her. I really do appreciate her apology. 

I feel bad for attacking her in my blogs and on Twitter like I did, but piss poor excuse or not, I was hurt and angry. I really thought we’d always be friends, but as they say, nothing is ever guaranteed in life. 

We don’t have to be the friends we were before or reconnect anywhere, but she’s welcome to say hello every now and then. I agree with her on how different we are. We’re both writers and liberals, but definitely different. I couldn’t be “close” friends with her again because she’s lied to me more than once and put a bit of a complex on me as far as being friends with anyone goes, but it would be nice to touch base every so often. I’d like to know how she’s doing in life. 

I deleted the nasty tweets I made in regard to her, and out of respect for her, I also deleted the nasty ones meant for Kim. I know Kim’s been looking in on me, which I don’t mind, but I totally admit that Kim hasn’t done anything wrong to me in years, and yes, Aly’s been leaving me alone too, just like she said. 

So… my heartfelt apologies to BOTH Aly and Kim for my part in things. Both can message me on Twitter if they’d like (I adjusted my settings). Still don’t think I could ever forgive Kim, though, and I definitely don’t ever want to be friends with her again. All I’ll do is quit picking on her. 

Later… 

I was supposed to be enjoying the fact that I have nearly a month between doctors’ appointments. Instead, my appointment can’t come fast enough. I felt like shit all day and it was only till I’d been up 10 hours that the dizziness finally started to ease up a bit. I messaged A for any advice she may have for me until I see her. 

I did manage to get out with Tom for a 15-minute walk, but don’t know if I’ll be up to Bowflexing tonight or not. 

Funny because (and I know I wrote about this) I had a bad feeling that after the shit with the levothyroxine/extreme anxiety was resolved, I would be faced with a whole new problem. Unfortunately, I was right. My vibes, intuition, or whatever you want to call it, are rarely wrong. 

I also have a feeling this will be an issue for another year or two before I am faced with my next long-term problem. The pattern is scary and obvious. All my problems are long-term and tend to last more than a year. First I wanted those I couldn’t have. Then I wanted to be a singer. Then I wanted a baby. Then it was the freeloaders. Then it was poverty. Then it was the anxiety. Now it’s what I’m still guessing is perimenopause. Well, if it’s true that this typically lasts 4 years, then I’m about halfway through it. Two more years of misery… and then what? Will the next problem be personal, physical, emotional or financial? 

I’m still retaining water. It’s like I didn’t lose it all after my last period. I wonder if that’s because this period was shorter, and if it means I’ll be early next time around. 

The only thing that’s been better lately is the anxiety, but since that’s the worst thing I’ve experienced since living here, I can say that the dizziness is the lesser evil. 

Anyway, I’m really grateful for Aly’s apology. We don’t have to be friends again, but it really went a long way toward making me feel better, and I have no desire to pick on them. Really, I’ll behave! 

Although still leery of mingling with many people online, I may go public again on Prosebox as I miss seeing all my visitors. Even though I didn’t know who the hell they were, it was still kinda neat to see all the visiting countries. 

On Friday, a coworker gave Tom some candy apples that were leftover from some kind of fundraiser or something like that. He had the chocolate caramel one and I had the cinnamon caramel since he’s not big on cinnamon. Neither of us ate the humungous green apples, but Cappy’s eating some of them, along with leftover traces of caramel. Hey, a rat will eat anything. 

In one of last night’s dreams, I was out late at night. The neighborhood and houses didn’t look like here in the park, but they were. I saw the neighbor we don’t have pull out that night and hoped they wouldn’t spot me for some reason. But they did because as they turned they caught me in their headlights. I had my glitter wand in my hand at the time. 

Then it was daylight and I looked up to the top floor of what may’ve been an apartment building. Don’t know if we lived there or not, but in the windows of the top floor were what I thought were posters of various people at first glance until one of them moved and I saw that they were real people. 

In another dream, I wore a long light-colored dress. I might have been in Florida visiting family. I went to use the bathroom and realized there were bloodstains on it like I’d had an accident during period time. I wondered if anyone had noticed and if I should change or not. 

I was out by a pool next (probably in Florida) dressed in shorts and a tank. Tammy and Sarah showed up. Tammy got into the pool and began chatting with whoever was already in the pool. Sarah sat on a lounger next to a few other people. 

I walked up to Sarah and could sense that she’d rather not talk to me. I pretended not to notice and said that it was too bad I’d forgotten my swimsuit and was tempted to go into the pool in my clothes. She said that’d get me in a lot of trouble. 

I said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

Then in a soft but somewhat snotty voice, she said, “What do you want to do?” as if to say, what the fuck do you expect me to do about it? You’re the dumb one who forgot your suit. 

“I don’t know,” I said with a laugh, “not be so dumb next time?” and walked away. 

Then there was the pill dream, but it didn’t get me anxious because I knew Tom was home. It was weird. I was licking a bunch of small round white pills that looked like lorazepam from the palms of my hand as I was chatting with a couple of women somewhere. They looked at me with concern. 

“Don’t worry. I’m not committing suicide,” I said, trying to reassure them. Then I told them what the “pills” were, but don’t remember what I said.

“You have won the…” said the email in my dreams. I awoke before I could finish reading it. If it means anything, then I’m sitting on a bigger win than just some fancy LED lights. Those arrived yesterday. 

Yesterday I felt like shit, but better after Tom got home and cheered me up. I was dizzy as hell and had pain in my lower left gut, which is still present today. If it doesn’t back off soon enough I can always ibuprofen it away. Wish it were that easy with the dizziness! The only good thing is that this period was definitely lighter and shorter. 

Just like they said, though, in their list of 34 symptoms of peri symptoms, expect weight gain. I’ve been up a few pounds for the last few months and I can’t get back down. I don’t look much different, though, due to exercising, but there’s zero chance of me ever losing the 30 pounds I could stand to lose. Zero chance. At least I know I’ll never turn the heads of any perverts looking like I do. I’m walking on the treadmill in 5-minute intervals. Don’t want to let this shit get me out of shape and drive my weight up even more. 

So I spent the day dizzy and the evening rundown. I laid in bed for an hour or two listening to my audiobook, then fell asleep early. I slept a little longer and better (without the lorazepam I had planned to take), but I’m sure the fatigue will hit me soon enough. 

Tom looked in my good ear in case that one had wax built up in it, and it does have some. He’s going to pick up an earwax remover on his way home. He said that when he was around 25 he couldn't stand, walk or drive and thought something was really wrong. Turns out he had a ton of wax buildup in his left ear. 

We don't think wax is the only problem since I still have perimenopause, but if this is a contributing factor, then I hope that this will help. I just want my energy back! I used to have an abundance of energy except for when I was PMSing. Now it seems I’m often lacking the energy. I’d have a lot more of my story done if it weren’t for the lack of energy. Now I just get occasional bursts here and there. I’m dizzy, I’m fatigued, I sleep shitty most of the time, and therefore my mood isn’t always the greatest. It's not like I'm sitting around bawling my eyes out; I just don't feel the pep I'm used to feeling. Instead, I'm sitting around worried about my health and it's a different kind of worry that's worse than the kind of worry back when we were on unemployment. Really, it was so much easier being poor. I know I shouldn’t worry too much because as far as I know, nothing I have is serious. But I’m just a natural worrywart. Not just about the here and now, but the future as well. 

I realize, however, how much worse my life could be. For everything I bitch about that has occurred in my life that hasn't been fair or that has been a challenge for me, what if I had been right? What if I had truly been meant to be alone all my life? I honestly can't see myself handling this on my own. I think I would have either killed myself or ended up a permanent resident of the Looney Bin. No matter how much I may suffer, I will never have to go it alone and that right there is a lot more than many people out there can say for themselves. I may not necessarily believe in God, but it definitely seems that some things are meant to be while other things aren't meant to be for different people. We're not all meant to be tall, we're not all meant to be parents, and we're not all meant to have true love and find our soul mates. 

Love and lust are two different things, and well, we ALL lust for people here and there throughout our lives. I'm just glad that I didn't get the opportunity to act on that lust like when I was back in jail or something because even though Tom and I were more or less done with the intimacy and had become friends like many long-term couples, I think I still would have felt guilty had I done anything. 

Here’s something to bitch about… they turned our fucking water off again. Yeah, I knew we were due any day now. Roto-Rooter and some truck that says Ditch Witch has been working all week at the house diagonally from us. What sucks is that they were here till after 6pm yesterday and so I worry the water will be off all day. 

I swear we’re OUT of here when he retires! Gorgeous or not, I’ve had it with this place. The only things we’ve escaped here are the screaming kids and barking dogs. I’ve had it with the water games, the loud traffic/machinery/equipment, and the constant landscaping. That’s just not what an adult community is supposed to be all about to me. We’re too close to the mainstream too, so we hear car stereos. It’s just not as maddening as it was in Phoenix and Oregon. Yes, it’s better here than being stuck for another decade in Jesse’s dumpy little trailer, but this is still bullshit. 

So are my health issues because I feel like they’re robbing me of enjoying the park’s positive features. I’m still afraid to walk around it alone at times, but lately, it’s more due to the dizziness than anxiety. The anxiety hasn’t been too bad. It’s the fucking dizziness, hot flashes, and fatigue that are the main issues! 

The more time that passes, giving me a chance to reflect on things, the more I see the mistake in reuniting with Andy back in 2010. I will never be his friend again and the same goes for Alison. There are three rules I intend to live by. 

Do not forgive.

Do not take back old friends.

Do not make new friends. 

Just looking out for myself. :) There are simply too many selfish, negative, judgmental, phony liars out there. It may not be as fun, interesting or as adventurous with my cyber friends now down to less than a dozen, but it sure is safer this way. I'm too old for the drama. Right now I just want to get my health back on track. That’s much more important to me than my friend count. 

Water’s back on now. The toilets are “screaming.” 

Last night I also dreamed I was sitting in some cafeteria somewhere eating French fries and something else. Andy happened to walk by and for some strange reason, I hid my French fries because I didn't want him to see that I was eating junk food. A split second later I realized I didn't give a shit what he saw and what he thought and resumed eating openly.

The police make me sicker and sicker. There are cameras everywhere these days and it’s like they don’t give a shit. I think they’re these invincible gods who can just beat the shit out of whoever they want. If violence is what they want why didn’t they join a wrestling team instead or take up boxing? 

I have less than 10K words of my book written as I still have moments where I don’t feel all that great. Was pretty dizzy yesterday and it’s back again today. Also found a discrepancy too, as all of us writers find here and there. Shane put Markayla’s bike in his trunk and drove her home one rainy day, only I forgot to have him return her bike after dropping her off! LOL 

Seriously, though, this dizziness is driving me crazy. I worry about it getting to the point where I pass out. Nothing I do seems to help. Why can’t I just have a fucking break?! It has been so hard for me to really enjoy this home since we bought it nearly three years ago as I have suffered so much here. Just so, so much. Is there a health curse on this place or something? It’s hard to enjoy a place when you feel like shit so much of the time and when it’s noisy most days, too. This week’s annoyance has been Roto-Rooter. 

I hate wanting to do this or wanting to do that and then finding I’m just too dizzy or I don’t have the energy. While I’m pretty sure this is the perimenopause, not knowing for sure and not knowing how long it’s going to go on makes it really frustrating, even depressing. I try not to think… What if I have something serious that’s going to kill me? But if it’s my time to go, it’s my time to go. I doubt that’s the case, though. 

Fitbit says I didn’t sleep as shitty as I did. I slept terribly. I kept waking up like crazy. Finally, I got up when Tom got up and took a lorazepam so I could sleep a little longer and deeper without waking up as much. 

Maybe I can lie in bed and work on my story by using speech-to-text on my smartphone in an email draft and then I’ll copy it over to Word later on.

Slept ok last night (without lorazepam) if you consider waking up 5 times and being restless 25 times “ok.” This is what Fitbit said, anyway. This is the first time my HR hit down in the 60s in nearly a week while I slept. Upon waking up I wondered if I went from having tachycardia to bradycardia when I saw the number 58 before I realized that was the number of steps I had taken between midnight and when I got up, and not my HR. 

So much for thinking returning to my vitamins would help with the dizziness because it’s back today. Well, maybe I’ll at least have fewer dizzy days. But WHAT the fuck is causing it? Low thyroid? Inner ear? An infection? Perimenopause? My guess is still the last one. My thyroid’s ever so barely considered low, Doc O doubted my ear is the cause, and so I’m going with peri unless I find out otherwise. I just want to hurry up and find out and do something about it (that hopefully won’t kill me along the way), but I have a few weeks before I see Doc A. 

She replied to my message and said that she’s actually testing my thyroid the week before since I’ll no longer be seeing Doc O, and then I have to be “evaluated” before I can have any other blood tests. 

I don’t get it. My thyroid was just tested less than a month ago, so why does she need to test it again so soon whether I return to Doc O or not? 

Met with a couple of unpleasant people from my past in Dreamland last night. First was Maliheh. I asked her if she ever figured out why she dumped me without even so much as the courtesy of an explanation. I mean even Alison, as cruel and as unwarranted as it was, told me she was dumping me. 

In a matter-of-fact tone of voice, Maliheh said, “No, but I think I’m on the verge of figuring it out.” 

Then Kim called. No, not the one in MA, but the crazy one in CT. It was funny too, cuz even though I never heard her voice in real life, I recognized it as Kim and seemed both surprised and happy to hear from her. 

Then I dreamed that I overslept for something important (a doctor’s appt?) and realized I’d have to make a point of attending whatever I failed to attend that day tomorrow morning no matter what. 

Next, I was running up and down a long corridor in a place we lived in with what looked like a miniature pony, only the playful animal seemed to be made of plastic. It was like a blow-up toy or something, haha. 

Then I heard Tom’s voice as he came walking down the corridor toward me with some (grocery?) bags in hand.

The vitamins seem to be helping with the fatigue, dizziness and even my sleep, though I did “cheat” and take lorazepam before bed. Tonight I’ll see how I do with nothing. I even feel calmer. Yesterday my anxiety was borderline, threatening to bubble up under the surface. 

I finally got my period too, a week late. From what I read about perimenopause, the average woman goes through it for 4 years. Most of my symptoms seemed to set in around 2014, so I guess I’ve got about 2 more years of torture. 

Did a load of laundry and took some pics of the new washer for people on Facebook to see. The link is public. I was wrong in thinking it cost $750. It was $825 because we got the larger capacity. It also has a 10-year warranty. 

The timer isn’t always accurate, though. Sometimes it’ll get stuck on the same time for several minutes, then suddenly drop a few minutes. 

The test strips held up wonderfully to being mopped. No warping, color bleeding/fading or anything like that. If they still look this good in a few months after we’ve had a chance to recover financially, we’ll go ahead and redo the floors. 

Cleaned my toe rings in the ultrasonic jewelry cleaner. 

Jazz music really is calming, as they say. Maybe that’s because it’s so boring. I play it to relax and drown out outside sounds, but prefer something more upbeat when I’m cleaning. I’ve got a smooth jazz station going now. 

Dreamed that I was on the phone talking to someone when I noticed a two to three-inch “knob” sticking up and nearly protruding through the skin where I once broke my arm. Panicked, I wasn’t sure if I should call the paramedics or Tom, who was at work. 

Hope this isn’t a bad sign for me, but I don’t get any bad vibes from it, so I don’t think so.

Won a pair of LED work light bars in an instant on Amazon. Nothing too exciting. Really didn’t want to reactivate my Twitter account yet again, but it’s the only way to enter most of the Amazon sweeps because they force you to follow someone first, and it’s a way to share pics with non-Facebook friends. Photobucket is just way too damn slow. 

So I spent like half of yesterday feeling fatigued, and about two-thirds of it feeling dizzy. Today was my second date with the Flintstones infused with extra iron, and today I’ve felt better. It’s too soon to say returning to my kiddy vitamins is helping, though. I do, believe it or not, still have some good days where I don’t feel all that bad. If I can just go a week without such kick-ass fatigue and dizziness, then I’ll think that yes, I really shouldn’t have stopped taking them. 

Anxiety continues to be minimal compared to last January and earlier, but it’s borderline at times. I’ll have a flash of it where in that split second I’ll swear the butterflies are gonna fly up in my gut, but don’t quite make it. 

I slept as horribly as usual last night. The first two hours I kept waking up like crazy. Finally, I got up and took a lorazepam, which Tom thinks I should stop taking. He thinks that may be making it worse. I don’t think it is, but just in case he’s right, I’ll try to just deal with the constant waking up without resorting to anything. I still wake up with the lorazepam; just not as often, and I sleep sounder with it, too. Without it, I don’t sleep as deeply and I wake up more often. I don’t have anything scheduled in the immediate future, so sleep isn’t too critical right now. 

I did get a message from A’s office saying to keep my appointment with her on the first, and to go to the lab a week before seeing her, but in the nurse’s garbled message I swear she mentioned TSH testing, so I sent the doc a message online to confirm that this was for hormone/estrogen testing, and that I plan to discuss that with her as well as the possibilities of having a mild case of sleep apnea. 

I had a dream last night that gave me another story idea. It was like I was watching the dream through the eyes of this homeless woman. She broke into a vacant hotel room so she could take a shower and sleep in a real bed. The room had two beds. A few hours after she crashed, a gorgeous woman walked in and she begged her not to call the office after explaining that she was homeless and all that. She promised to stay out of the way and be as quiet as a mouse if she’d let her stay. 

The beautiful woman identified herself as an FBI agent and agreed not to say anything if the woman was willing to help her with the case she was working on, but I don’t know what that “case“ was.

Last night, in the midst of the typical shitty night’s sleep, I awoke from a dream of the vigilante girl telling me the doctors missed an important test. In reality, they didn’t, but I sure hope the dream wasn’t a sign of anything as my negative dreams about Tammy were. 

She called yesterday and hasn’t been doing well at all, which would explain the dreams. She laughed at the one where she was really skinny and said she wished that one were true. LOL, that’s the thing about dream premonitions; you don’t usually dream of exactly what’s going to happen, but you do get enough negativity to tell you something’s amiss. I’ve only had a few dreams play out to a T or close enough to it. A couple were negative and a couple of others were positive. 

Anyway, she’s having more back surgery on Monday and hoping for the best. 

I’m now at the point where I dread going to sleep. Tammy took an OTC thing called Estrogen that she said helped her a lot and that they’ve also got one for sleep. This is good to know, but I don’t want to do anything till I talk to my doctor. I still think I have mild sleep apnea at play, too. 

Of course, she thinks I should be on Lipitor being in the medical field as she was. Yeah, I’m sure she’s right, but right now I’m not going to let anyone “give me any Lip”. ;) 

Just a few hours into my sleep and I awoke right as this intense dizziness swam through my head and my heart was beating hard and fast. Fitbit said it shot to 146, but I don’t think it was much over 100. Anyway, I felt like I couldn’t breathe no matter what position I lay in, despite being able to sit up or open my mouth wide and suck in a deep enough breath fairly easily. I had that lump-in-the-throat feeling. Tom thinks I probably just panicked. 

In my sleep? 

Later… 

LOL, dumped Twitter again, but found one of Kim’s fan sites on Facebook. I then shared one of her pictures and quickly deleted it from my timeline, knowing she’d know it was shared and not be the least bit happy about it. Sure enough, she did what Polly did and went private. I’m sure she (and probably Aly) constantly checks to see if I reactivated on Twitter, haha. It’s all I can do to keep from doing so, but I know I really should move on. They never gave a shit about me. Why give a shit about them? 

Going to attempt to once again get my journal caught up. If I’m not busy, then I’m busy feeling like shit. The fatigue and dizziness have really been sucking the juice out of me and driving me crazy. As usual, no matter what I do to try to help myself, nothing improves it. I did, however, restart my kiddy vitamins with iron, so if that can’t help, maybe my doctor can figure it out for me. For now, it comes and goes at random. I hadn’t had any dizziness for a few days, but then I had it all day today until a little while ago. 

On top of perimenopause symptoms, I have the PMS from hell. My period is now 5 days late and I have enough water on me to fill a swimming pool with. I won’t even bother with how sore my boobies are. 

Despite how I felt, we got a lot done today. We went on a walk this morning and then to Walmart where I splurged on a few cute dolls before hitting the grocery section. 

We later went to Petsmart too, and they didn’t have any rats. Instead, they had this really cool parrot of some kind that really seemed to like me, haha. It followed my movements back and forth along the long cage as if it really wanted to be my buddy. Not for $600! And not for the ungodly loud sounds they make either. 

I’m starting to think the rat we have now will be our last pet for a long time to come. We’ve had something like 7 rats since coming to this state and only 2 of them have been friendly and sociable. The rest have been shy as hell. That’s the problem with the chains. Those stores don’t give a shit about the animals. All they care about is selling them. So they don’t take the time to handle them from the get-go so that they’re not only used to but actually want to be handled by people. Tinkerbell and Blondie were raised by kids till they were sold by small non-chain stores. 

Then I looked and found a local “rattery” that breeds them for temperament and health by being sure to handle them as babies. Tom was impressed with them, too. 

We finished backing the bookcase with the flooring/wallpaper and it looks awesome! I was worried the stuff on the shelves would be lost against the busy flower/rock design, but they actually stand out better. We’re both surprised at how good it looks. It looks a lot like a rock wall with scattered pink roses sticking out of it. 

We had some extra scraps left over that we threw on the kitchen floor to see how well they hold up over time to traffic and mopping. The stuff is more durable than we thought. At first we thought they were just typical stickers that would tear easily, but nope. I even dropped a horse figurine on a section by accident and it didn’t even pierce or dent it. So China-born or not, it’s not cheap shit. 

If we do decide to do the floors with this stuff, I think a less busy design would be more appropriate. 

Loving our new front-loading washer, even if we hadn't planned on one till next year and it’s kind of screwed up our finances. Not sure if we really need a new dryer, though. They may not match at all sitting side by side, but as long as this dryer works, I see no need to replace it. The next and final appliance that needs replacing is the oven. 

Anyway, they said they’d deliver it between 8am - 10am, but they came at 7:30. It was a couple of Mexican guys and I loved listening to and understanding all the Spanish they exchanged with each other. It wasn’t much, though, as they did most of their talking to us. 

Interesting how they hauled the old one out and brought the new one in. The old one weighs about 150 pounds. The new one is about 258 pounds. It’s definitely bigger than the dryer! They put these harnesses on and then ran straps around the washer, which they then hooked to their harnesses, and that’s how they carried it out. I really thought they’d wheel it out on a dolly. 

The floor was filthy, of course, so we cleaned it as best we could. We found a couple of old cat toys, a small screwdriver, and the tub drain that Simone stole and hid. All this time I’ve been wondering where it was. 

They didn’t need to put the new hoses on that we got, so we’ll keep them as a backup. 

It’s a direct drive so we won’t have to worry about it going off-balance since the drum is connected right to the motor. 

The guy asked if we’d ever had a front-loader before and we told him we haven’t. He then said he calls them the high-maintenance washer. Not something I liked the sound of, LOL. He then explained that it was very important to keep the seal dry to prevent mildew. He also said that it’s important to clean it periodically otherwise it’d “smell like sewage.” As soon as I heard that I really hoped we wouldn’t regret getting the thing. He said the seals are $300 and that doesn’t include labor. 

The rubber gasket is a bit of a bitch to towel dry afterward because there’s a crease in the center of it. In fact, a couple of my kiddy-sized ankle socks got caught in this groove, so we got a mesh laundry bag for things like that. 

You have to leave the door propped open afterward to ensure the whole interior dries out. I love how it lights up too, but after a few seconds of not sensing any motion it goes out. 

After 30 washes an indicator lights up to let you know that it needs to be cleaned. He gave us a sample to start us off with. I guess you just throw it in like you do with detergent pods. Liquids, though, have a drawer you pour them in. 

He started a quick wash going on his way out to remove the chemicals they coat it with to protect it until it’s sold. People were complaining about corrosion, so that’s why they started using chemicals on it. 

After the quick wash, we did a full load (amazing the capacity this thing has) and had fun watching how it works. The door’s a smoky color rather than clear, but since I dress mostly in bright colors, I could see at least my clothes well enough. It almost seemed like there was hardly any water in it and like it was just damp clothes tumbling around. It does use less water than top loaders. 

We’ll have to try the steamer sometime for stained clothes and see how well it does. The thing spins faster than I ever knew a washer to spin before. Although it’s quieter than our old one, the sound of the mega fast-spinning was a bit weird. The clothes were definitely not as damp as they would be coming out of the old washer.

So psyched to receive our new washer today! Not much else to update other than the dreams I had last night. Last night where I finally got a decent enough night’s sleep without the constant waking up. No hot flashes or beatathons either, but we’ve been having a cool spell, so that helps. 

Oh, shit. Alexa just said there’s a 76% chance of rain today. I hope it won’t interfere with the delivery and all that, but I don’t think it will. It rained yesterday too, and while I hated the cold and the gloominess, I loved the peace and quiet. It’s sad but true that unless it’s nighttime, raining or super hot, you don’t get much peace here. 

I’m a little worried about Tammy. As I told her yesterday on Facebook, she’s been in a couple of sketchy dreams so I was wondering about her. Well, she hasn’t gotten back to me, and she was in more dreams last night. 

In one dream I met her at a hotel somewhere. She appeared to be shockingly thin. I told her I wasn’t sick, just tired. Then she and Mark were suddenly at our house and I wished I’d had more of a chance to tidy up first. 

In another dream, I was living in a 2-story house with my parents, though I don’t think it was either of the Longmeadow houses. They were out somewhere one evening when I forgot to put the rat in his house before getting into bed. As I was falling asleep I told myself he would be okay, but then I decided to get up and secure him in his house so that my parents didn’t accidentally step on him when they got home. 

Then there was a dream where I met Mitch, a UK cyber friend, in some public building somewhere. 

In the last dream, I was sitting in a car with someone as I watched a guy in his 20s slowly exhale smoke from a cigarette. A young boy of perhaps eight or nine years old was eagerly blowing at the smoke as the guy exhaled. I found the scene rather sad and disgusting, but not surprising, knowing how most people are these days. An adult would make a game of their smoking with a kid.

Again I slept shitty, waking up just a few hours into my sleep. This time I needed a lorazepam to relax me back to sleep. If it isn’t hot flashes or “heart attacks” waking me up, it’s nightmares. It was a very long and detailed dream that took place in my childhood home, but I’ll get to that in a minute. 

We’ve been having all kinds of Internet problems causing the connection to either hiccup or run really slow. Comcast sent a message saying they had outages in the area and were working on it, but then when Tom checked my computer he found I was connected to the wrong Wi-Fi. He disabled all the ones I shouldn’t be connected to, and now I’m back up to speed. 

Also, my computer stalls whenever I right-click to copy or pin something to my boards and that’s annoying as fuck, too. 

Called Dr. A’s office as instructed after seeing  O for what will hopefully be the last time, and requested labs for hormonal testing. I was told someone would get back to me, but no one did. Oh well. It’s nothing that can’t wait till I see her on the first. 

So now for my series of dreams. Most were brief, but one was long and detailed. I think I might have had one to do with hormone testing, but can’t say for sure. 

Then there was a quick dream where I was giving an interview about sweeping, and I guess I was discussing a win notice because I was saying how I didn’t think to check my spam box that day. In reality, though, I check it every day and don’t expect to win ever again, so I’ll quit sweeping in early June when my premium subscription expires. This is just like last time; I started off winning, then nothing. 

Next, Tom and I were temporarily living in some huge hotel or apartment building of some kind. He had to go down several floors, through some hallways, and through a series of doors and gates to get out of the building. The only way he could get back in at the end of the day was for me to be there to let him in. I hoped I would remember the way. 

The lower level of the building had many stores and shops and I thought, wow, I could spend thousands shopping the day away here. 

But then I looked down and realized I was in some kind of uniform with the number 6767 on it and knew I too, had to get to work. 

The real nightmare was in my childhood home. Funny too, cuz this isn’t the first dream I’ve had of someone breaking into that house, even though no one ever did in the 13 years we lived there. 

Tom and I lived in the house and I fell asleep in the back right bedroom. I thought I was hearing my sister’s voice in a dream when I realized it was actually someone else’s voice somewhere inside the house. 

I shot out of bed, down the stairs, and out the front door. It was just about dark now, and I stood outside the screen door swearing into the house at the intruder. Yet I wasn’t brave enough to face them on my own and instead ran down the driveway and toward the street, knowing Tom would be home from work any minute. 

The street suddenly turned into a parking garage and I realized the intruder could follow me there, and then I heard a sound. I hoped to hell it was Tom, and it was. I spotted him taking a box from the trunk of the car and told him I couldn’t swear to it and may’ve been dreaming, but that there could be an intruder in the house. 

He calmly followed me to the open front door and I told him I wanted to go in ahead of him. “That way, if God forbid anyone rams a knife in our direction, I get hit and you’ll be spared,” I said. 

We went straight up the stairs and checked all 4 bedrooms. Nothing. I then breathed a sigh of relief, even though we never checked the ground floor or cellar.

Went on a quick walk/jog with Tom. It’s damn chilly out there! 

Tom read an article on a fitness study they conducted. They had half the participants ride a bike for something like 45 minutes a day, while the other half sprinted 3 times for 20 seconds with 2-minute breaks in between. They concluded that the sprinters were just as fit as the riders, proving what I’ve always known and believed – more is not better. 

Having so much fun trolling Aly and Kim on Twitter. As a test to see if Kim was really reading my tweets as I suspected she was, I tweeted: Kim, I want that Rockapella fan account name changed NOW! Do it NOW! 

I knew that if she saw it, she’d run and change the name, thus rendering the link to it useless. 

Sure enough, it was gone within an hour. ROTFL! That’s one seriously obedient slave. What if I told her to jump off a bridge? I oughta make up fake fan accounts to demand she change now that I’m not able to find more of them… Kim, I want that Gloria fan account name changed NOW! Do it NOW! LOL 

I guess I’m living proof that you’re never too old for immaturity or Barbie. 

As I’m sure the trolls would want to know, I slept shitty but better. I crashed earlier than I thought I would because I was just so exhausted. I slept longer, though I still woke up often, and one of those times I was hot flashing and my heart was thumping. I had to sit up in front of the fan for a few minutes, as usual. But the good thing is that I made it back asleep without lorazepam. Not having the stress of upcoming appointments helps. 

Had a dream that we were living in some dumpy old house. Tammy visited, and I’m not sure if she told me it’d be the last time she’d visit our house or that I’d ever see her, but either way, it wasn’t a very pleasant dream. 

Then I had a strange visit with Dr. A in the next dream. She had me lie back on the exam table and lift one leg at a time and hold it at a 45° angle for as long as I could. As the time ticked on by she was impressed with how long I could hold it up as fit/strong as I am. 

And then a guy and a baby went tumbling down a huge rocky mountain in the scariest dream. I don’t know where this was supposed to be or what I was doing on the mountain, but I knew they couldn’t have survived the fall. 

Now it’s time to take my Dutch lesson and enjoy the peace before the daily barrage of landscaping hits the scene. So damn annoying and disappointing!

Been wanting to do an update but battling severe fatigue that’s been slowing me down. Got great news, though. Dr. O kicked me out! Now that I’m stable and now that we know my forever dose is 75, Dr. A can take over from here unless there's a problem. She called in a year of refills for me. 

My T4 numbers are right where I feel best. Any more and all hell breaks loose with the heart-pumping mind fuckers from hell. Although unlikely, there's a slight chance I may have to break a 25 in half and take it once a week or so to make it like I'm taking 81 mcg (88 is more than my body can handle, partly due to size, perimenopause, and tachycardia) but that would only be if I went back to 0.9 which would invite a lot of the hypo symptoms back. I do best between 1.1 - 1.3. 

As nice as she was during the 1.5 years I struggled to get regulated, I hope I'll never have to see her again. Traffic and parking in downtown Sac are a nightmare anyway. 

Again, she was, IDK, uncomfortable with me maybe? I don’t know if I imagined it or not and of course it doesn’t matter either way, but it’s strange how she made me feel rushed and like she didn’t want to deal with me. It was like there was something about me she didn’t like. I saw her 6 times, twice in which I was alone. Both times I was alone she acted this way. I wonder if she was bothered by or got the wrong idea from my Facebook holiday message to her last year, but again, it doesn’t matter. It was also the first time she didn’t go off-topic. She usually makes at least some small talk unrelated to the reason you’re there, but she didn’t even ask something like how my weekend was. 

She asked a few routine questions and told me to remember to take my meds every morning on an empty stomach and that if I forget one day, double up the next day. I won’t forget, though. I have a routine now. Where I used to get up, pee, and go straight for the coffee, I get up, pee, take my pill, tell Alexa to set the timer for 30 minutes, then I browse the net until it’s coffee time. 

My only complaint is the perimenopause symptoms beating up on me. We talked about that too, and she knows that I’m going to go to the lab soon for hormonal testing. At least they're annoying and not terrifying. Gonna undergo hormone testing soon. It’s been driving me crazy. I sleep shitty, I get dizzy, I get fatigued, I get hot flashes, I get everything. Anything’s better than extreme anxiety, though, where you’re terrified to be alone and you feel like you’re going to die. 

Not surprisingly, my period is a day late, though I still think I’ll get another one due to how sore my boobs are and the water I’m retaining. 

Later… 

Not impressed with the 3D flooring which is really two large panels of wallpaper. I think they’ll look great backing the bookcase, but it may actually be a real pain and end up costing more than regular vinyl tiles to get a protective epoxy covering and all that to keep it from scuffing up. 

Maybe some of the other designs look more 3Dish, but I don’t think this one looks very 3D at all. The gray rocks are huge and the pink flowers look stretched, so I think it may’ve been too large of a design for such a small bathroom, half of which is always covered with a bathmat. 

They wanted to deliver the new washer yesterday morning, but since we were to be out at that time we rescheduled for Saturday. For just $15, they’re going to haul the old one away. We’ll add the matching dryer later on, though this one works fine even though it’s older than the washer was. 

Anyway, I had zero energy when I got up. Tom convinced me to eat more, drink more water, go back on my kiddy vitamins, and exercise less. I did, after all, lose 1.5 pounds in less than 2 days. I have the weight to spare, but not eating definitely makes me sluggish. Some days all I want to do is eat while other days I’m just not that hungry. 

Had one of his chicken melts and while it was just average tasting, it was like a wonder drug. Suddenly all my energy returned. I made a list of all I wanted to accomplish today so that if I got hit with dizzy spells or fatigue, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about not getting more done. 

So I walked around the circle a few times, said hello to Bob and Jim, and noticed water spraying up in the air about 4’ high on the other side between two properties. Busted pipe? That was my guess, though they haven’t shut our water off yet. 

I took my Dutch lesson (just 15 more to go!) and did 15 minutes on the Bowflex so as not to push myself and overdo it. 

I only remember bits and pieces of last night’s dreams… cleaning in a “day” jail, dreading a walk in the snow, handling gel cushions like the one I’m sitting on, though they were smaller and lighter, and singing part of a Selena song. 

Now after eating again, let’s see if I can muster up enough energy to get back to my story. I’ve been neglecting Shane.

Right or wrong, I’ve been having loads of fun playing with both Aly and Kim on Twitter. Once I get bored with that and have had my fill I’ll probably deactivate. What’s hilarious as hell is that you can still tweet to those who have blocked you as long as you know their handle. Kim keeps changing hers every time I find one of her many handles, but Aly’s given up on changing hers. She has gone private, though. 

I noticed she updated her profile picture on Fitbit and she not only looked like she’s aging fast but looked utterly pissed and mean as hell. She changed to her cat as soon as I mentioned that, and after mentioning that, she went to a default male avatar. 

Found out how they knew my “peak hours.” Aly was keeping tabs on that on Fitbit. Even though she disconnected from me there and you can’t block users, you can still see each other’s accounts. Therefore, I made almost all my data unavailable to the public eye. Once I drop off of Twitter she should never know when/where I am online since I’m going FO on Prosebox and putting other blogs on hold for now. The only thing I can think of she might be able to see would be the last time pics were pinned on Pinterest, but that’s only if she remembers the link. I changed names there, but the link is the same.

Decided that I may not be writing publicly for a while. Not due to anyone in particular but just because I miss writing for me. I just get tired of having to filter, edit, sensor and change names/locations. I’ll miss all the visitor traffic, but sometimes even I like a little privacy. 

For now, I reactivated Twitter and might reserve that for bitching about those who’ve wronged me or that I just don’t like. In blogs, it’s like you’re bitching to those that read it, be it a few people or many, but on Twitter, it’s like you’re talking out loud to yourself. 

As wrong as it may be, I couldn’t help but point out to one of Aly’s Canadian friends that she forgot to delete two of her accounts. Kim’s fan accounts are still visible on Prosebox too. 

She shared a link to a pin about alkaline-based foods that are better for people with Hashimoto’s. I saw the name on the pin was Rachel M and checked out her boards. She had one with several places she’s traveled to, and well, she’s a travel agent. Then I clicked through to her Facebook page and she has reviews and “likes” of places in the part of Florida she lives in. So it’s probably her. 

She’s an ordinary-looking blue-eyed blond, though her hair could be dyed. I only saw one face shot. The account is otherwise very private. For some reason, I thought her name was Rose Louise and that she had dark hair and eyes. 

Tom woke up early and his being up and about, even if he’s in the other room watching a show, has perked up my mood.

Lowe’s could guarantee a Tuesday delivery on that LG washer, but not in the afternoon (seeing  O in the morning). Best Buy can, though, on a Maytag washer that’s a little bigger and costlier, but its extra features and extended warranty were worth the extra $50. It’s a $750 “sidewinder.” 

Sure enough, not a word from Tammy about my lab results. Not much to really say about that, though. I’m going to hold off for now on statins as my numbers aren’t dangerously high, ask about perimenopause/sleep apnea testing, and get refills on my thyroid meds. 

LOL, Aly and Kim moved their stories off Prosebox and Aly tweeted how “good it felt to officially cut ties with Prosebox and she’s never looking back.” 

Haha, Miss Melodramatic makes it sound like Prosebox was a prison sentence of sorts she was forced into and finally escaped. 

She says there are so many other better blogging sites out there. Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to say there are “so many” that are better, but there are better sites, yes. What I like best about Prosebox is that I can have multiple “books.” But Prosebox lacks features that most other sites have and that would be cool to have, like customizing backgrounds with pictures of our choice rather than a few boring pre-selected options. It would also be nice if it had a search feature. 

I don’t like the promises of upgrades that never come and I liked it better when you had arrows up top to scroll through entries. I also liked having drafts be in the book they were meant for rather than all thrown together. 

With Prosebox you also have to scroll through pages and pages to get to older entries on books with many entries, but on sites like Blogger, which would be the site I’d choose if I could only blog in one place, you can pick the year and the month within that year in a second. 

Still, I do love Prosebox even though I may change my mind and decide to leave someday. 

I know I’m probably being unwise and immature by continuing to read her tweets, but perhaps I do it because some are just so ridiculous that they’re funny. Ever stumble onto a bad movie that’s so damn bad that you can’t stop watching it BECAUSE it’s so bad? Well, I guess Aly’s just really that bad. ;) 

Another interesting tweet she made to Kim was that it was “hard to be totally happy, you know why, but I’m free of that.” 

Let me guess… that has something to do with me? She is the one, after all, who “freed” herself of me by dumping me. I just have yet to get why. I’m usually pretty honest with myself and good at looking back and seeing where I messed up with life or people in general. Things I should’ve said or done differently or maybe that I shouldn’t have said or done at all. But I honestly can’t see what it was I did, other than not be crazy enough for her, to deserve being dumped. She did mention negativity, but what’s “negative?” Not having the time or the desire to text back and forth with her every single day? Being honest? If a doctor tells her patient they have an illness or a disease, is that being “negative?” Or is that just being honest? 

She taught me a HUGE HUGE lesson, though, and that’s that anybody can appear to care about us that thinks we’re nothing but shit. I almost let go of everyone else left in my circle so I wouldn’t have to suffer the pain and frustration of finding out someone else has been thinking the same false and horrible things about me that I thought would always, always be a special part of my life. But instead, I refuse to punish the innocent. If they emerge, well, there’s not much I can do about that. But I can close the door to future friends. 

Now the question is what to do from here. Some have suggested that I keep living my life as I normally live it, while others suggest backing off of social media and privatizing as much as I can. 

Hmm… but I have no idea if they’re reading me or not. Kim did mention my “peak hours.” How would she know what those were unless one of them or both of them were keeping an eye on me? 

But there are never any blog views from Stafford Springs or Papillion or tweets in regard to anything I say. Then again, the tweets about her dietician encouraging her to keep as active as possible, then mentioning moving stories from Prosebox right after I publicly said she got kicked off for bashing me (she didn’t, though) and probably cheated on her step count do seem a bit coincidental. 

And how would I “hide” if I chose to so they couldn’t know my hours? The only sites I use right now are Prosebox, Blogger, Pinterest, OLS and Facebook. I could go FO on Prosebox, queue my Blogger posts to post at the same time every day and privatize this month’s board on Pinterest. To my knowledge, no one outside my circle can see when I’m on OLS or Facebook. So unless I’m missing anything, that’d throw them off my schedule, which changes regularly enough. 

But would it be worth doing all this? I always try to be as selfish as I can, so to speak, and live my life for myself. That means using what sites I want to use and how/when I want to use them. So for now I think I’ll carry on as usual, but still haven’t decided if I’m going to reactivate my Twitter account. If I do it will be just to express my thoughts and experiences; not to contact or communicate with anyone.