“You have won the…” said the email in my dreams. I awoke before I could finish reading it. If it means anything, then I’m sitting on a bigger win than just some fancy LED lights. Those arrived yesterday. 

Yesterday I felt like shit, but better after Tom got home and cheered me up. I was dizzy as hell and had pain in my lower left gut, which is still present today. If it doesn’t back off soon enough I can always ibuprofen it away. Wish it were that easy with the dizziness! The only good thing is that this period was definitely lighter and shorter. 

Just like they said, though, in their list of 34 symptoms of peri symptoms, expect weight gain. I’ve been up a few pounds for the last few months and I can’t get back down. I don’t look much different, though, due to exercising, but there’s zero chance of me ever losing the 30 pounds I could stand to lose. Zero chance. At least I know I’ll never turn the heads of any perverts looking like I do. I’m walking on the treadmill in 5-minute intervals. Don’t want to let this shit get me out of shape and drive my weight up even more. 

So I spent the day dizzy and the evening rundown. I laid in bed for an hour or two listening to my audiobook, then fell asleep early. I slept a little longer and better (without the lorazepam I had planned to take), but I’m sure the fatigue will hit me soon enough. 

Tom looked in my good ear in case that one had wax built up in it, and it does have some. He’s going to pick up an earwax remover on his way home. He said that when he was around 25 he couldn't stand, walk or drive and thought something was really wrong. Turns out he had a ton of wax buildup in his left ear. 

We don't think wax is the only problem since I still have perimenopause, but if this is a contributing factor, then I hope that this will help. I just want my energy back! I used to have an abundance of energy except for when I was PMSing. Now it seems I’m often lacking the energy. I’d have a lot more of my story done if it weren’t for the lack of energy. Now I just get occasional bursts here and there. I’m dizzy, I’m fatigued, I sleep shitty most of the time, and therefore my mood isn’t always the greatest. It's not like I'm sitting around bawling my eyes out; I just don't feel the pep I'm used to feeling. Instead, I'm sitting around worried about my health and it's a different kind of worry that's worse than the kind of worry back when we were on unemployment. Really, it was so much easier being poor. I know I shouldn’t worry too much because as far as I know, nothing I have is serious. But I’m just a natural worrywart. Not just about the here and now, but the future as well. 

I realize, however, how much worse my life could be. For everything I bitch about that has occurred in my life that hasn't been fair or that has been a challenge for me, what if I had been right? What if I had truly been meant to be alone all my life? I honestly can't see myself handling this on my own. I think I would have either killed myself or ended up a permanent resident of the Looney Bin. No matter how much I may suffer, I will never have to go it alone and that right there is a lot more than many people out there can say for themselves. I may not necessarily believe in God, but it definitely seems that some things are meant to be while other things aren't meant to be for different people. We're not all meant to be tall, we're not all meant to be parents, and we're not all meant to have true love and find our soul mates. 

Love and lust are two different things, and well, we ALL lust for people here and there throughout our lives. I'm just glad that I didn't get the opportunity to act on that lust like when I was back in jail or something because even though Tom and I were more or less done with the intimacy and had become friends like many long-term couples, I think I still would have felt guilty had I done anything. 

Here’s something to bitch about… they turned our fucking water off again. Yeah, I knew we were due any day now. Roto-Rooter and some truck that says Ditch Witch has been working all week at the house diagonally from us. What sucks is that they were here till after 6pm yesterday and so I worry the water will be off all day. 

I swear we’re OUT of here when he retires! Gorgeous or not, I’ve had it with this place. The only things we’ve escaped here are the screaming kids and barking dogs. I’ve had it with the water games, the loud traffic/machinery/equipment, and the constant landscaping. That’s just not what an adult community is supposed to be all about to me. We’re too close to the mainstream too, so we hear car stereos. It’s just not as maddening as it was in Phoenix and Oregon. Yes, it’s better here than being stuck for another decade in Jesse’s dumpy little trailer, but this is still bullshit. 

So are my health issues because I feel like they’re robbing me of enjoying the park’s positive features. I’m still afraid to walk around it alone at times, but lately, it’s more due to the dizziness than anxiety. The anxiety hasn’t been too bad. It’s the fucking dizziness, hot flashes, and fatigue that are the main issues! 

The more time that passes, giving me a chance to reflect on things, the more I see the mistake in reuniting with Andy back in 2010. I will never be his friend again and the same goes for Alison. There are three rules I intend to live by. 

Do not forgive.

Do not take back old friends.

Do not make new friends. 

Just looking out for myself. :) There are simply too many selfish, negative, judgmental, phony liars out there. It may not be as fun, interesting or as adventurous with my cyber friends now down to less than a dozen, but it sure is safer this way. I'm too old for the drama. Right now I just want to get my health back on track. That’s much more important to me than my friend count. 

Water’s back on now. The toilets are “screaming.” 

Last night I also dreamed I was sitting in some cafeteria somewhere eating French fries and something else. Andy happened to walk by and for some strange reason, I hid my French fries because I didn't want him to see that I was eating junk food. A split second later I realized I didn't give a shit what he saw and what he thought and resumed eating openly.