Although mild so far, the dizzies are back. So I’m only allowed two good days in a row every now and then? Pretty sad, and well, I’m just wondering what the fuck I ever did to deserve to suffer. It’s better than anxiety, but suffering is suffering and it all sucks just the same. 

Thought more about some things Aly said in her apology to me. Ok, I’m aware that I can be critical at times, but I still don't see how I could have brought her to “dark” places. Could it be that she was already there? Hell, the girl had a lot of shit going on in her life. I’d be in a dark, depressing place too, if I had a rare blood disease, even if I was sure I would beat it in the end. From what I read, depression is a very common symptom of cancer, among many other things. 

At this point, however, while I appreciate her apology immensely, does it really matter if she thinks I was causing her depression or not? If she wants to move on then I will let her. I agree it’s for the best, but for different reasons than she does. I agree to move on because she’s lied to me more than once and I don’t think I could ever trust her again other than with an occasional, “Hello. How have you been? What’s going on in your life?” 

For her, it’s because we’re too different in the way we think and handle things. I personally don’t mind those who are different than me so long as they don’t try to control or change me, but I respect and accept that we all have our ideas of what makes or breaks a friendship. 

I truly did try my best to be there for her, and I never meant to offend or depress her. I know this and that’s good enough for me. :) 

Kim and Molly are really all she needs for friends since they definitely have much more in common, and having common ground matters a lot to her. They may not treat her well, but at least they make her happy. 

Not only is it true that crime doesn’t pay but that crime makes no sense. Why isn’t violence taken very seriously in this country??? 

I was furious when I read that actor Wendell Pierce was released on just a 1K bond for assaulting a woman. A 1K bond! Mine was over 2K. Ok, so I’m not black, male, rich and famous, but I’ll never understand why violent crimes, unless it’s cold-blooded murder, aren’t taken seriously and why it’s not non-violent crimes that matter. If that cock does any time (and I’m sure it won’t) I’m guessing 10-30 days. Maybe 90 if it were white or female. It makes me sick, but… on the bright side, I know that if I were ever provoked into an attack and forced to defend myself, they’re not likely to do shit about it as long as my attacker’s white. Of course I’d be fucked if they weren’t white cuz then they’d play the race card, and who do you think would be believed? 

There also seems to be no logic within sentences for non-violent crimes. I’ll bet if I’d get a lot less for breaking into one’s house and stealing thousands worth of stuff than if I hurt your feelings or pissed you off with words you didn’t want to hear. 

Had strange dreams last night. Tom checking under the hood of the car. Peering over a retaining wall in which people walked single file through 4-foot-deep water. Turning around to be sucked up by a whirlpool in a half-tube sort of like a water slide, and then Barbara living beneath me in an apartment building. 

Yeah, that Barbara. The one from the NHA. Only she didn’t live next to and above me, but just below me. She also didn’t have the oxygen tube in her neck as she does today. I doubt she’s been living in apartments for years. I’m sure the bitch has a gorgeous mansion. God truly does seem to bless the evil. Really, what kind of coward knocks on the door threatening someone she knows damn well she could’ve beaten at the time and that was very ill with lung issues? 

Oh, how I would love it if she came to my door now, with or without her little ox tube. I have 50 – almost 60 – more pounds on me now, am healthier than I was back then in most ways, and definitely have the focus and temper to take her down a peg or two. 

But that’s just the thing… God’s not going to put an old bully in front of me He knows I could now get even with. He always, ALWAYS protects my perps. Once again, though, this is even assuming he exists, and once again I have gotten off-topic. 

Not much more to the dream. I was chatting excitedly to her and some older woman about a washer I was excited to be getting. 

Just found her on Facebook. Why is it I sometimes search for years for someone just to not find them, then bam! There they are. I sent her, her husband David, her daughter Jen, and another relative, the same piece of my mind knowing that at least one of them would probably see it. And tell Barb if she’s not the one. *grins mischievously* 

They all have the ‘add friend’ option disabled. Probably don’t want to be friended for their money. Then again, Barb’s Daytona Beach house looks rather ordinary. Her little “necklace” also doesn’t seem to be hindering her ability to live life to its fullest and have some real fun. Ok, so maybe she can’t jump in a swimming pool, but other than being fatter (about 180 now), she can probably do almost anything else. I told her: 

Remember me from the NHA? I would LOVE to see you come running to my door threatening me now. What a coward you were to threaten someone who was then 90 pounds soaking wet and rather ill. But now I'm a 150-pound weightlifter, very healthy, and very ready for you. Come to NorCal, Barbara!