Saw fairly recent pics of Mike M and his wife Daryl. I hate to say it, though neither one ever did anything wrong to me, but they both look great for their age, as do their sons. Mike just has a slight gut and Daryl probably doesn’t look great naked, but she otherwise looks fine. 

As hurt and as jealous as I once was over his choosing her over me, things really do work out for the better in the long run. Yes, some people truly do seem to have it all, but I wouldn’t trade Tom for the world! He wouldn’t have been abusive, but he would’ve definitely been all wrong for me. 

I wonder, though… was Daryl really the only one? Ok, so he didn’t like me because I was troubled and you know the rules for me… no serious, OMG kinda lust allowed. But if he could fall for one student, couldn’t he have fallen for others? I just find it hard to believe he hasn’t cheated on her at some point, but what’s really amazing is that they stayed together all these years. He was about 25 and she was about 16 when they met. Now she’s a year older than me while he’s a year older than Tom. 

Of course I couldn’t resist playing with Daryl and the sons (couldn’t find Mike’s account) on Facebook, not that they’ll get the message. And Kim, too. 

I’m only keeping my Twitter account till June when my sweep subscription expires, so I might as well have some fun. 

Found some more fan sites of Kim’s through Facebook. It’s gotta be driving her crazy that I can still tweet to her on blocked accounts, LOL. A definite glitch Twitter oughta fix. 

Later… 

Wow! Aly apologized to me on my-diary a couple of days ago and I didn’t know it till today. I rarely log into my-diary anymore. She apologized for tweeting the less-than-kind things she tweeted before cutting ties with me. She admitted she shouldn’t have lied and kept things from me like she did, and that the reason she dumped me was due to my being overly blunt and critical. 

She’s right. I can be very stubborn and opinionated at times. But I never in a million years meant to intentionally bring her down or offend her in any way. I had NO idea I was having that effect on her and I’m very sorry I did. 

It’s easy to swear we’ll never forgive someone who burned us that we were never close to, but it’s usually easier said than done when it comes to those we were close to. She said she could probably beg at my feet (though she also admitted she was doing it more for her than for me) for forgiveness and still not get it, but of course I forgive her. We had too many good times for me to stay mad at her forever, and I told her this in my reply to her. I really do appreciate her apology. 

I feel bad for attacking her in my blogs and on Twitter like I did, but piss poor excuse or not, I was hurt and angry. I really thought we’d always be friends, but as they say, nothing is ever guaranteed in life. 

We don’t have to be the friends we were before or reconnect anywhere, but she’s welcome to say hello every now and then. I agree with her on how different we are. We’re both writers and liberals, but definitely different. I couldn’t be “close” friends with her again because she’s lied to me more than once and put a bit of a complex on me as far as being friends with anyone goes, but it would be nice to touch base every so often. I’d like to know how she’s doing in life. 

I deleted the nasty tweets I made in regard to her, and out of respect for her, I also deleted the nasty ones meant for Kim. I know Kim’s been looking in on me, which I don’t mind, but I totally admit that Kim hasn’t done anything wrong to me in years, and yes, Aly’s been leaving me alone too, just like she said. 

So… my heartfelt apologies to BOTH Aly and Kim for my part in things. Both can message me on Twitter if they’d like (I adjusted my settings). Still don’t think I could ever forgive Kim, though, and I definitely don’t ever want to be friends with her again. All I’ll do is quit picking on her. 

Later… 

I was supposed to be enjoying the fact that I have nearly a month between doctors’ appointments. Instead, my appointment can’t come fast enough. I felt like shit all day and it was only till I’d been up 10 hours that the dizziness finally started to ease up a bit. I messaged A for any advice she may have for me until I see her. 

I did manage to get out with Tom for a 15-minute walk, but don’t know if I’ll be up to Bowflexing tonight or not. 

Funny because (and I know I wrote about this) I had a bad feeling that after the shit with the levothyroxine/extreme anxiety was resolved, I would be faced with a whole new problem. Unfortunately, I was right. My vibes, intuition, or whatever you want to call it, are rarely wrong. 

I also have a feeling this will be an issue for another year or two before I am faced with my next long-term problem. The pattern is scary and obvious. All my problems are long-term and tend to last more than a year. First I wanted those I couldn’t have. Then I wanted to be a singer. Then I wanted a baby. Then it was the freeloaders. Then it was poverty. Then it was the anxiety. Now it’s what I’m still guessing is perimenopause. Well, if it’s true that this typically lasts 4 years, then I’m about halfway through it. Two more years of misery… and then what? Will the next problem be personal, physical, emotional or financial? 

I’m still retaining water. It’s like I didn’t lose it all after my last period. I wonder if that’s because this period was shorter, and if it means I’ll be early next time around. 

The only thing that’s been better lately is the anxiety, but since that’s the worst thing I’ve experienced since living here, I can say that the dizziness is the lesser evil. 

Anyway, I’m really grateful for Aly’s apology. We don’t have to be friends again, but it really went a long way toward making me feel better, and I have no desire to pick on them. Really, I’ll behave! 

Although still leery of mingling with many people online, I may go public again on Prosebox as I miss seeing all my visitors. Even though I didn’t know who the hell they were, it was still kinda neat to see all the visiting countries. 

On Friday, a coworker gave Tom some candy apples that were leftover from some kind of fundraiser or something like that. He had the chocolate caramel one and I had the cinnamon caramel since he’s not big on cinnamon. Neither of us ate the humungous green apples, but Cappy’s eating some of them, along with leftover traces of caramel. Hey, a rat will eat anything. 

In one of last night’s dreams, I was out late at night. The neighborhood and houses didn’t look like here in the park, but they were. I saw the neighbor we don’t have pull out that night and hoped they wouldn’t spot me for some reason. But they did because as they turned they caught me in their headlights. I had my glitter wand in my hand at the time. 

Then it was daylight and I looked up to the top floor of what may’ve been an apartment building. Don’t know if we lived there or not, but in the windows of the top floor were what I thought were posters of various people at first glance until one of them moved and I saw that they were real people. 

In another dream, I wore a long light-colored dress. I might have been in Florida visiting family. I went to use the bathroom and realized there were bloodstains on it like I’d had an accident during period time. I wondered if anyone had noticed and if I should change or not. 

I was out by a pool next (probably in Florida) dressed in shorts and a tank. Tammy and Sarah showed up. Tammy got into the pool and began chatting with whoever was already in the pool. Sarah sat on a lounger next to a few other people. 

I walked up to Sarah and could sense that she’d rather not talk to me. I pretended not to notice and said that it was too bad I’d forgotten my swimsuit and was tempted to go into the pool in my clothes. She said that’d get me in a lot of trouble. 

I said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

Then in a soft but somewhat snotty voice, she said, “What do you want to do?” as if to say, what the fuck do you expect me to do about it? You’re the dumb one who forgot your suit. 

“I don’t know,” I said with a laugh, “not be so dumb next time?” and walked away. 

Then there was the pill dream, but it didn’t get me anxious because I knew Tom was home. It was weird. I was licking a bunch of small round white pills that looked like lorazepam from the palms of my hand as I was chatting with a couple of women somewhere. They looked at me with concern. 

“Don’t worry. I’m not committing suicide,” I said, trying to reassure them. Then I told them what the “pills” were, but don’t remember what I said.