Not much to update today. Dad left a message yesterday saying I didn’t have to call back, he was just checking in, and everything was okay on his end. But I think I’ll call them anyway later on today and touch base since it’s been a while. I’m glad he called. I was starting to get a little worried and thinking of calling anyway. We talk every few months or so and I try to write every month.

Eileen hadn’t responded to my stories because they never made it to her and she’s been preoccupied with having to take her husband to the ER. I re-sent them to her and she confirmed that she got them. I hope her hubby’s okay!

The 3 stories I wrote with Marie in mind are now published on girl-directory and already made the top 3 spots! They’re the only 5-star stories right now.

Tom ran into Jesse at the fork when he was bringing the trash up (what, is he waiting in the drive for us now? LOL) and he said he may be down to drag up the dead trees a few hours later after he gets his kid, but if he was, I miraculously slept through it. I don’t think he was, though. He was nice enough to say that he’d make sure I was up when he comes to push the fake grass strips into place. That was nice, but I’m sure he’ll wake me up enough of the time anyway with all the many projects he’s got going. He’s not going to be able to do much over the next few days, though, with all the rain we’ve been having.

Because Marie was a very good girl by signing up at another of those money sites, I promised her a chat this morning, LOL, though I’d still chat even if she were bad! I got her letter yesterday. It’s so nice to have something tangible from her. The letter smelled good, too.

Paul reviewed my story and said I was getting better at hanging chapters. I guess I must be doing better at portraying characters since flakey is exactly what I had in mind for the Scarlett character. Still gotta work on the dead action thing, though.

There were only a few changes I made in his edits. For once, he threw that Celtic word in, and there was also one misspelled word and an extra space between a few words/sentences. I also changed one word from the English spelling to the American spelling. That’s the only thing that makes following his books a little hard at times, despite how well they’re written. US and UK English differ.

I’m sure there’s more about the story I’m forgetting to mention, so I’ll add anything I think of later on. I’m still not even sure where to go next with it.

Tom emailed me a really neat article showing this huge rodent. I’ve never heard of the thing, but it’s called a capybara and is a semi-aquatic rodent of South America. It weighs about a hundred pounds and is about 2 feet tall. It’s not as cute as a rat, but it must be pretty mellow to be sitting next to a guinea pig. A rat would attack a guinea pig and cannot be mixed with other animals, while I’ve been able to mix rabbits, guinea pigs and hamsters before, as well as mice and guinea pigs. You can’t mix hamsters and gerbils either. Tom wants one of these, but I don’t know where you’d find one or enough about them to say what they’re like. Of all the rodents I’ve had for pets, rats are still by far the best cuz of their high intelligence. I also think they’re way cuter than guinea pigs and other rodents. I’d be afraid of getting bit by something so big, though. A rat can break your finger. This thing looks like it could bite your arm right off! And how does the owner keep it from chewing up her house? Sorry, but all rodents love to chew, though some are worse than others. Puerco’s the worst we ever had in that department and that’s why I can’t let him lose much.

Marie emailed me a copy of a graded paper and asked my opinion on her writing. As she herself admits, she’s not much of a writer as opposed to a forensics person. As I told her, though, her vocabulary and grammar seem good, but her sentence structuring needs work. She runs too much together and doesn’t always use proper use of caps, paragraphs and punctuation.

We were talking about our lives, both past and present, and our hopes for the future. “You never know,” I told her. “I just might be wife #3 in your next life.”

She said, “No, you’ll always be my #1.”

Aw, how sweet.

So anyway, knowing she’s going to be busy since she has a couple of assignments due on Friday, I’m going to be working on other things. Work’s been kind of sucky so I’m doing mostly writing.

Tom is still asleep, of course, and if Jesse isn’t working, all will remain peaceful at least until he goes out. That’s usually between 9am - noon on non-workdays, according to Whiskey.

I cut my bangs back and I guess I’m backing up Jesse’s shit tank, too. Oops! But I thought tampons were both sewer and septic-safe! Tom ran into him when he was cleaning up some brush in the drive, and he said something to the effect of being careful what we put down it. He also said he disconnected his landline because he didn’t see the point in paying for both that and his cell while he wasn’t working.

Hmm… could Mr. King of the Hill not be so well off after all? Even we can afford an extra $40 a month.

Tom took the car in for emissions inspections and it passed, even though California’s one of the toughest places to pass emissions.

If all goes well, this will be my second day without backaches. Tom’s kind enough to offer to rub my back for me when it gets bad, but it doesn’t relieve it for long.

I chatted with Marie for an hour yesterday morning on Yahoo’s messenger, then I got the pictures her coworker took of her which came out great. She certainly looks fine for her age! There was even a little video and I had to laugh because when I mentioned it to her she said, “Shit! A video? I didn’t know that. I must’ve looked like a dufus.”

I forwarded it to her so she could see that she didn’t look like a dufus at all. It was only for two seconds, though, and mostly focused on the floor, but it was nice to see my Marie in motion for a second there and to hear her deep sexy voice.

I let her in on contacting Jan’s husband with the story and together we laughed at the reaction Jan must’ve had on account of the whole thing. After all, I can’t share it with Mr. Paranoid here. At least not yet. She said, “Geez, Jodi, you got brass ones! Her eyes were probably the size of silver dollars.”

I showed her a copy of the letter and she said it was a very nice letter and not at all perverted. Oh yeah, I would never send anyone a perverted letter, LOL. Well, maybe just to her.

I went back into Jigsaw to see if anything had changed, and to my surprise, it had. I had marked Jim’s email as no good and someone updated it to a good one. I didn’t think it would be on a Sunday. So, I sent the letter/story and wish to hell I could’ve been a fly on the wall when Jan heard about it and read the story!!! I can’t guarantee that that was really her husband I sent it to or that she even heard about it if it was, but I’d say there’s a pretty damn good chance it was and that she read the story, too. If it wasn’t him, wouldn’t he have replied saying I had the wrong person? Well, if no one contacts me I’m not going to contact them. I accomplished my goal; to let her know I liked her, give her my journal link, and share the start of the story she inspired.

Man, I wish I could know what she thought of it if she did read it. Was she impressed? Spooked? Amused? Flattered? Disgusted? Angry?

I hope she wasn’t spooked, angry or disgusted, but I don’t know much about her, so how she took it would depend on how open she is to another woman being attracted to her and including her in a story she wrote. I can’t control how she feels and will never know just what she does feel. Whatever it is, I’m not surprised I didn’t get a reply. I really wasn’t expecting one.

Had a dream that I hope to hell was just a nasty dream and not a sign of trouble to come. Usually, when I have dream premonitions warning of trouble ahead, they’re of a quick scene that makes sense as opposed to a series of disjointed images like I had this time around, but it was still scary enough. Scary enough to drive me out of bed after just a few hours of sleep and run crying to Tom, although he assured me we’re fine.

I guess we were running out of food and something went wrong with our finances and we knew there’d be no way we could get any money before the food ran out, and therefore, we would starve to death. In real life, we wouldn’t let ourselves starve to death if there was no way we could afford to eat and survive. We’d kill ourselves and get it over with quickly rather than let ourselves suffer and slowly die off. But I guess that’s what was happening in the dream. I told myself to do this and do that cuz in a few days I wouldn’t have the strength to do anything.

But then the dream changed to us temporarily moving into an apartment until we died, which fortunately makes no sense. If we couldn’t afford to eat, we couldn’t afford to move. Not even to the tiniest, dumpiest apartment around.

Then, what looked like a totally fictitious character from a book of mine, was pulling a 50-foot electrical cord from her place to ours so we could have electricity.

Then things really got terrifying when the earthquake hit in the next dream. I guess I had been knocked out cuz when I slowly came to, I found my legs pinned beneath a boulder. I heard shouts all around me, including Marie’s. I couldn’t see her, but I recognized her voice. I began to cry for help and saw one of the paramedics look at me then turn to others I couldn’t yet see and say, “No, there’s no one left alive in this area. She’s the only one we got.”

So now I’m freaking out over the thought of Tom being dead, wanting to die myself if that were the case, begging them not to save me. But then Marie jumped into view and after hopelessly begging someone to help lift the rock off me in the midst of all the commotion, she turned into the bionic woman out of sheer frustration and determination and lifted the boulder off saying, “Hang on, babe. We’re gonna get you out of here and then you’ll go home with me.”

I told her that I loved her dearly, but insisted that I wanted to die if Tom was gone and that I would be too much money for her to deal with anyway if I could no longer walk. She wouldn’t hear it, though. She just threw the boulder aside with superhuman strength and started dragging me down this hill, and that’s all I remember.

So I went from starving with Tom to hopelessly begging Marie not to save me.

Like I said, I ran crying to Tom like a kid and he not only reassured me but said he had to leave Jesse a note about not paying the rent till the 5th cuz his phone’s been disconnected. So then I go freaking out about that next, wondering if he’s losing the place, but Tom pointed out that that’s not a possibility. He’d have told us, and we’re still connected down here, so he might’ve changed the number or decided his cell phone was enough. Yeah, I suppose he has a point there. After all, I always did say he seemed well off with his fancy house and fleet of vehicles.

It took me a while to fall back asleep. I was shaking and crying and hoping to God we’ll be okay. The thought of stressing out over our survival for the rest of my life, assuming we really do survive in the first place, is a real killer on me! Not that I didn’t have other problems before leaving Arizona, but I miss the days when worrying about our survival wasn’t one of them. I guess we’re good with the unemployment checks till July or September. I don’t have to be a political, financial or economical wizard to know there’s no way Tom’s going to find work this year. No way. And so I still live in the fear that they’ll cut us off before he does. The government’s crazy like that. They don’t care if millions of their own end up starving in the streets. All they care about is giving our money to other countries and taking care of them! No one could help us if they cut our checks cuz they’re either struggling themselves, or they could help us, but just don’t give a damn and are probably keeping their fingers crossed and praying that we don’t make it.

But I also know we can’t live forever and yeah, we might have to kill ourselves to escape starving in the streets. Or we may get cancer in a decade or so instead and die that way. Or we may live to be incredibly old. Either way, we all gotta go someday, and I also know that even if we suddenly had all the financial security in the world, we’d just go right into a whole new problem for me to worry about.

Marie.

I can’t get her off my mind. I love and lust for her like crazy! It hurts knowing we can never be together and that it can never be her that I sometimes go running crying to when I freak out over nightmares, but just to have her in my life is a tremendous blessing in itself. Marie may not have the perfect life any more than I do, but I feel very blessed to have someone like her care about me the way she does along with Tom. Not that I haven’t met others who cared about me, but until Marie, Tom was the only other one who truly loved and accepted me as I was without conditions. I fantasized about a woman like Marie for so long but was sure she didn’t exist.

Well, I hope the financial security and home I’ve also fantasized about exists, too!

OMG, I feel like such a stupid fool and I am soooo embarrassed!!! Last night I asked Marie if she’d leave a message on our cell phone, letting her know we kept the ringer off all the time unless expecting a call (too many wrong numbers and sales calls). I wanted to hear her voice, but don’t want to talk live and make too many long-distance calls till Tom is working again.

So she left the message and wow, her voice really is low and deep and I would definitely never know it was her if I didn’t know any better as she doesn’t sound like no 15-year-old anymore! I love the sound of her voice. It’s both sexy and totally easy to picture it sounding utterly terrifying if she were pissed. For someone working her way into law enforcement, it’s the perfect voice! She said in an email that she was nervous, though she didn’t sound it. She sort of reminds me of Laurie H.

She also said, not fair! I want to hear your voice, too. So I left a message after I knew she’d be in bed. She said her ringer would be off then and I’d go straight to voicemail. I said something about how cool it was to hear her voice again (in her outgoing message) and that she sounded different there (her voice was higher). Then I suddenly remembered she likes people to speak Spanish to her and I started to end the message with “te amo” (I love you), but realized that Tom was standing right there and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I ended up stuttering like a fool when I quickly stopped myself and said “te extraño” instead (I miss you), so it came out like “te… te extraño.” Tom doesn’t speak Spanish, but I have taught him some basics and he knows “te amo” quite well. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world had I said that. I tell my friends I love and miss them all the time, but he knows she and I are a little more than just “friends.”

I was nervous as well which I didn’t expect. Do I really have that big a thing for this chick? Yeah, I obviously do, LOL!

Gosh, I feel like such a stupid idiot! I’ll call again some other time and try to make up for it, LOL.

I finally got to read Alison’s writing. I knew she’d be a good writer. I could tell that much by her tweets and messages to me. She’s bi but does romance with straight lead characters whereas I do suspense with gay leads. She posted her first chapter on Blogger and it was great. Easy to follow, interesting, and she kept the action going at a good pace, too. I sent her an email, gave her my feedback, then gave her the start of my “Januscript.” She reads most of my stories.

I went to send Jan’s husband a letter and the story, but it bounced back. Figures, huh? Maybe it’s not meant to be. I did email the company itself, but all I could say there was that I was looking for Jim regarding Jan, but his email on Jigsaw bounced. As expected, I haven’t heard anything today what with it being Sunday.

I can’t believe the daughters didn’t get the message and pass it on to Jan. I think I just didn’t leave enough info about myself for Jan to remember me. Or maybe she just doesn’t care, but either way, certainly one of them has gotten the message by now. If I don’t get a response from the hubby, I’ll try the son as a last resort, and that’ll be it.

Speaking of my writing, Eileen’s either busy reading or thoroughly disgusted cuz I haven’t heard from her today, LOL.

Other than sounding like a stuttering fool with a serious brain tumor, not much else is going on. I’m still getting backaches and Tom’s ear is still bothering him. Worst-case scenario he goes to a free clinic and waits 50 years to see a doctor, but hopefully he won’t have to.

He gave me a back rub earlier which helped, but it’s only a matter of time before it starts up again.

So Dorian set up his own site and put the link to my journal on it. The link must now be on 20 different sites!

Let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, Eileen. She emailed me saying I’ve been on her mind, is nursing her husband back to health who just had surgery, and is excited to read the book I’m working on.

That’s when I burst out laughing because I’m not exactly sure my stories are what Eileen would want to read, LOL! I had no idea I’d share my stories with others other than a few close friends, but now that I’m getting more recognition as a writer and generating more interest, I’m trying to keep my stories at least relatively free of intimacy and swears from here on out. Not that she couldn’t handle it. Eileen’s pretty open-minded and she has read this journal, some of which gets a little dirty, LOL, but because minors could be reading some of my stuff, I’ve toned it down. I did tell her, however, that I could edit out the steamy scene in my last story and send her a copy of it if she’d like. If she wants it as is, that’s ok too, of course. It’s her call. I explained a little about what I write and said to let me know if she wants a synopsis or would prefer to be surprised if she does want to read anything. Same goes for anyone else. If you want to check out any of my stories, just let me know.

How did Icy Apple incense get to be so good? Mmm… definitely gotta add it to my favorites list!

Since it’s the weekend I gotta sleep with both sound machines on and an earplug, thanks to a freaking landlord (woo-hoo, I said “freaking”) that won’t leave us alone for very long. Thank God for being deaf in one ear!

I have no idea why I feel compelled to do this, so don’t even ask. I guess it just amuses me to surprise people, and Jan’s about to get a surprise, alright, if the email I found last night really is her husband’s and he gets the email I’m going to send on Monday and tells her about it. I’m waiting till Monday cuz I really think the daughters got my message and that Jan doesn’t know who I am or care to email me if she does. Yet the thought of divulging my crush on her and sharing my story and journal amuses the hell out of me. And so I will send James a note explaining that I liked her, was inspired by a dream to write a story with her in it, and I’ll enclose the first part of it as well as the link to my journal.

I’ll attach a couple of pictures of me too, and the start of the story in the email (which is at his place of work) and say that I plan to post the entire story at the journal site once it’s done to generate their interest. I doubt I’ll really post it there, though. Either way, it will be interesting to see if anyone contacts me, though I’d be willing to bet it’s pretty unlikely that they would. In fact, I’d bet most of my dolls they won’t. Not the favorites, but most of them. Anyway, I guess Jim works at someplace that sells doors.

I told Marie that someone insisted she was obsessed with me and she denied it, as I expected her to, saying she simply likes the person she loves, and do I know what she would do to me if she were obsessed, LMAO?

I replied saying she would come out here first chance she got, wait till Tom was by himself on an errand, kidnap me and take me to the secluded little cabin she got way up in the Sierras (or the Cascades), then have her way with me all the time!

She replied by letting me know she almost came, I have a vivid imagination and that is one of the things she loves about me.

And Tom said I shouldn’t encourage someone who’s unstable. Of course I laughed at this since I just can’t see her being unstable or obsessed in any dangerous way. That’s a guy’s thing. And something that happens in my stories. Her obsession is both annoying and hilarious, but definitely harmless.

Later…

When I look back on some of my earlier stories from years ago, I almost want to cringe with embarrassment! I don’t know why, but while I was pretty much always good with lyrics, I was a lousy story writer. Compared to my more recent stories, It’s almost hard to believe the same person wrote them, not that I’m perfect now or anything.

“Holy crap this is great,” was Marie’s response to the first part of the story I started a few days ago based on the Jan dream I had, LOL! Now that’s quite flattering coming from her.

Also, Eileen assured me she’s old enough to handle my steamy scenes and can always not read anything that’s too much for her, LOL. This is true, so I sent her Rainbow Dreams and We’ll Meet Again Someday.

Marie said she didn’t want to tell me, but she sent a letter out Monday with a couple of pictures enclosed her coworker took, not the one that’s interested in her and which she says isn’t her type. I guess she liked how she looked in skinny jeans.

Bet I would, too! grins

Other than non-stop barking, since our landlord is only home long enough to sleep and to bug us, things are running smoothly. Well, they would be if the backaches would go away. I just can’t figure them out.

Paul is recovering from surgery and hopefully doing better and Dorian sent some funny jokes that put a smile on my face.

This is a first. I got 3 comments from 3 different users all on the same day at the journal site. One was from Canada, one was from Diane, my guardian angel, and then what appeared to be some kid asking how do you know if you’ve got a guardian angel, cuz she wants one, too. I told her that my “guardian angel” was just a joke in reference to a cyber friend who has been looking out for me. If I really do have a guardian angel of unearthly sorts, I wouldn’t know it, LOL!

So anyway, Diane said I was correct in assuming she was of the penis-less type, and I had to laugh to myself and say, “I know. You’re Diane in NY and you’re as gay as I am!” But of course I said nothing of the sort. She says she loves reading my journal and looks forward to the stories of my crazy life.

Yeah, it’s a crazy life at times!

As for Marie, I still feel the same. A part of me says I shouldn’t even bother with her and that it would be easier if I didn’t. But I know I would miss her and so the other part is screaming, “I want my Marie! And I want her now!”

Nothing from Jan’s daughters, but I’m not surprised. Why should someone I have a crush on contact me, then be as thrilled as I was when Marie confessed her crush to me when I confessed mine to them? You know it never works that way.

Perhaps I shouldn’t, but I’m “Janalyzing” the possibilities as to why no email from her as of yet and came up with a few theories. Although it seems unlikely, it’s possible that neither daughter has checked her messages yet. It’s also possible that they did, but haven’t had a chance to pass my email along to Jan yet. Or, it could be that they did, but Jan just didn’t feel like emailing me. Maybe the idea of contacting me just felt strange if she even remembers me. I don’t think I gave the daughters enough information for her to know who I am. I just said I used to shop at her store before it was closed and lost her online store address. Maybe I should have been more detailed, IDK.

Wow, lots of Marie feedback! Some are saying dump her, she’s obsessed with me, she’s crazy, etc. Others think she is sweet and sincere. Well, I’ll certainly be keeping everyone’s advice in mind, but in the end, it will be up to yours truly to do what she’s gotta do.

Marie nearly hit a deer coming home from work and left some rubber on the road, that’s how far she skidded. I’m glad she’s ok! Someone recently got killed somewhere here in CA by slamming into a cow.

I realize my sister and her off (the wall) spring are gonna start up the harassment after my folks are gone and not around to worry about upsetting, A, Tammy doesn’t care who she upsets along the way when she wants to “get” someone, and B, I realize this is probably true, but that’s ok. I don’t have to take it and I won’t.

I won from the Incense Rack but decided to forfeit since I just got tons of incense.

So that’s how it is now? I can still win things if it’s something I don’t want? Too bad I don’t like to win just to win or else I’d be entering for trips to Alaska and other cold-as-hell places like crazy cuz I’d win for damn sure!

I thought I heard Jesse come down around 4pm, but realized it wasn’t him after all. So I’m hearing him when he does come down and I’m hearing him when he doesn’t. beats head But then he really truly did come down a half-hour later to get something from his shit pile. beats head again Tom said he saw him get some of the wood he just dropped off.

Why do these things have to be kept down here anyway? Is it just an excuse to drive down here so he can annoy me with his presence and remind us who’s king of the hill around here? Well, hell, why doesn’t he just keep his damn clothes down here, too?!

Too bad we don’t have a good-size pickup ourselves. Then we could haul the shit away and dump it somewhere and say it was stolen, LOL! Nah, he’d only restock new shit.

I know he worked today because when I went to pee at 5am I heard the dogs going crazy. Then when I went to pee again at 6:30 they were still going at it. They don’t take a breather till 8:00 or 9:00, but I crashed around 7:00. I’m totally on nights right now which I like and don’t like. My sleep is more threatened, but at night there’s no barking, no pesky Jesse, no nothing.

Off to edit my bio now. Still have over 200 pages to go through and it’ll probably be another 10 weeks or so before the entire thing is posted. It’s way more work than I thought it’d be because I’m changing so much.

“I am glad you are keeping your eyes open. I just think you’ve had enough batshit crazy women in your life, and something really strikes me as odd about her. Single White Female odd, you know? Just keep your purty eyes open!”

This is the latest from my “guardian angel,” as I’ll dub her, though I don’t even know that it is a “her.” My gut feeling says it is.

Now, reading between the lines, how does she know Marie’s white? Well, I did mention she’s Italian. And what makes her think my eyes are “purty?” She could’ve seen pics of me.

Another thing that stands out about the person is their writing. Most people write poorly, but this one seems to write very well. No typos, no bad grammar, no bad punctuation.

I learned that AOL’s hub is in Woonsocket, RI, just like Gmail has a hub in Mountain View, CA. So this could be anyone, anywhere. Still not sure if they really don’t know me or not, but I’d say they’ve read my journal pretty extensively either way. How else would they know I’ve had enough “batshit crazy” women in my life?

If it’s someone who knows me but doesn’t want to say so for fear of being identified in my journal, my first guess would be someone from VH. I wondered if it was Melanie and if she could be jealous perhaps and feel that this would be a good way to scare me off since Marie started posting her journal to Facebook, and she could’ve checked out her “friends.” But I doubt she’d go about it this way if it were a lover or a family member of Marie’s. I also wondered about Eileen, who happens to write very well herself, but I doubt it. She doesn’t strike me as the type to say “batshit.” And of course, Paul and Dorian would probably tell me things directly.

Ah, I love a good mystery. But the curiosity is killing me. Do I or don’t I know this person? Do they or don’t they know Marie?

Just decided to try running her email through a different search site and damn I’m good! She’s got an LJ journal that she made 8 entries in back in 2001, and is also gay. Her name is Diane and she’s in Alamo, NY. Her birthday is 4/29, but I don’t know how old she is. For now, I’ll keep what I’ve learned to myself. No need to spook her out with all this info if she’s just an innocent observer looking out for me.

I’m not just good, I’m really damn good! I found Jan, too. Not her or her store, but at yet another search site, it lists possible relatives of the person you’re looking for. She appears to be married to a guy named James that’s also her age and has two daughters and a son between the ages of 23-31. The daughters are Betsy Lynn and Brianne Michelle, and the son is Bradley Steven. The reason I think they truly are related is that Lynn is Jan’s middle name and Steven is James’ middle name.

I found her kids on Facebook and sent the daughters messages with my email addy for Jan to contact me at. I said I used to know her when she owned her store and couldn’t remember her online store addy.

Tom’s ear is better, but it’s not. The poor guy can only sleep 4 hours at a time (God, I hate that evil number!) and my sleep isn’t perfect either. I woke up to cooking smells today but went back to sleep an hour later. Tom promised not to cook smelly things while I sleep, saying he could have sandwiches instead. That’s awfully sweet of him, but I don’t want him to deprive himself just cuz every single fucking thing in the world wakes me up. If someone sneezes in Australia, I’ll wake up!

Tom fixed my chair for me earlier. It kept floating up so high my toes barely touched the floor as short as I am, LOL.

I’m about to make a $50 Sephora order with my Turk money. I’ll be getting a lip stain, some perfume and a few other odds and ends. My favorite was always Yves Rocher, but they stopped selling my favorite perfumes, proving that once again, all good things come to an end.

Paul is having surgery at what will be 1am my time. Hope it goes well!

Marie wasn’t too thrilled with the grade she got in her writing class, but I encouraged her to do better next time around, and I think she will. Kick ass, hot stuff!

Today was the sunniest day in about two weeks, but we’re on for more rain soon enough. I feel like this winter is never going to end!

Despite the fact that my last entry was full of doom and gloom, I had a productive night. I guess I’ll always be more productive when my schedule clashes with Marie’s, LOL. I do miss her, but I definitely get more done when our schedules are off. She’s such a fun distraction, though! I miss her already. But I know the weekend will be here soon enough.

For now, I got a 90% on my last German lesson, did some writing (obviously) and proofread more of my bio. The next chunk should be posted tomorrow.

All is quiet now. Nothing but the sounds of snoring, frogs croaking and rain. I’m beginning to wonder if it’ll ever stop raining here. We’re really making up for all those dry months! But it will make fire season less scary when it rolls around again.

Later…

I don’t know either of you, but I wanted to warn you about Marie. I’ve read her entries and she seems…unstable. She has latched onto you something fierce and I worry for you that this is going to turn into a gong show. She seems very obsessive.

Just a warning to keep your head up. Don’t think she’s as real as she’d like everyone to believe.

The above is what was waiting for me on the journal site today, and while I hate to say it, I agree. Marie does seem unstable at times, she does seem to have latched onto me fiercely, but turn into a gong show? Not sure about that one. Not all obsessions are unhealthy or dangerous. I’m obsessed with incense. Hooked on me or not, I can’t picture her visiting and kidnapping me or anything crazy like that. And women don’t typically force their way on other women. Right now I can’t see her forcing me to do anything I might not want to do. She knows I’m attracted to her, but would never leave Tom. I will, however, not hesitate to tell her not to visit if she does do anything between now and then to make either Tom or myself uncomfortable. For now, though, I’m taking Tom’s advice and trying not to look too far ahead, cuz if she does visit, it’s going to be a couple of years or so, by which time she may be sick of me. Or maybe she’ll piss me off into dumping her. There’s no way to know for sure. A lot can happen in two years. If anyone’s learned that, it’s me.

Marie herself has also admitted to not being the most stable person on earth. She admits to being moody at times, particularly before her period, and she does take meds.

I traced the email to Woonsocket, RI which rules out her roommates and sisters Melanie and Michelle since they’re in FL, but I wondered if the person really knew her because of the way they worded the last sentence. Wouldn’t you have said, “I wouldn’t think she’s as real as she’d like everyone to believe,” if you didn’t know her?

I asked Tom if he thought it was someone who knew her and he doesn’t think so.

Anyway, it’s strange. I wrote stories with obsessive characters like Marie in which other characters would warn the woman she was obsessed with. Once again, life’s almost imitating art in a strange sort of way.

After reflecting on the issue for a while, I think Marie will always remain little more than a forbidden fruit. Why? Oh, I don’t know right now. It’s just a feeling, I guess. Lust of that degree was never meant to be for me, so it seems, and it’s not just those I lust for, but also those I just really like. With the exception of Tom, all the good people seem to “go away” and just aren’t in my life for as long as I’d like. That pattern is very clear enough just in the 3 years I spent in Oregon. Jane moved, Jan closed her store, Liz left Safeway, Randy changed routes.

Like I said, I miss some aspects of it at times. If the pause button of our lives could ever get unstuck and if we could ever really get ahead, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way. I definitely don’t miss the cold. It was worse than in New England!

As I said before, a lot can happen in two years as far as Marie is concerned. So I shouldn’t try to assume too much in the way of her and I. Hell, maybe we’ll be sick of each other! Right now, though, as nutty as that woman can be at times (and she admits it), she definitely has a way of putting a smile on my face and making me laugh.

And very wet.

But I will certainly keep my mind and eyes open to various possibilities that I need to be aware of. Things aren’t always what they seem. I know this. And so I know it’s important not to get too far ahead of myself. She genuinely seems to care about me, though I must admit I am amazed at just how much.

She wrote me a sweet poem today, “typos and all,” as she said. Yup, I’m the writer here and she knows it! But she’s definitely a lot of other things.

She also got the incense I sent her as a surprise. I was getting worried there! She thanked me for thinking about her (I always do) and said that although it was a bit feminine, she liked the Blue Angel.

Anyway, now that my period’s working its way through, things don’t seem as bleak to me. Sure, there are still plenty of reasons to feel cursed from above, but I also know I’m very blessed in many ways. Furthermore, I’m hoping that getting my period over means I can stand to jump back on the diet wagon. The last week or so, though, I haven’t been able to keep food out of my mouth!

My second story made #1 and my first story is #7 right now.

I asked Marie and a couple of other cyber pals to join LiveMocha so I could get the free travel course you get for getting 3 people to join. I’m also experimenting with a new way of learning. I’m recording the audio parts of my lessons and copying my flashcards. I thought if I read along with the audio a few times to give things a better chance of sinking in since it usually takes a few takes to retain much, then I’d go back and do the other exercises. So for now there won’t be progress percentages or scores. Just repetitiously going through dialog and reading much in the way I did when I learned Spanish.

I was halfway into my first meditation session of the day when the fucking pest just had to distract me by coming down here. Again, he didn’t come to the door. He just unloaded sheets of plywood. But also again, we came here to get away from people and not have to deal with them unless we’re out in public! First we can’t go a month without his presence, now we can’t even go a week!

When am I going to learn to keep my frustrations with other people to myself or to my journal? It really bothers Tom when I express my annoyance with others, ear pain or not. Like so many people tend to do, he simply defends or makes excuses for whoever I’m upset with, and that only makes me feel more upset and like my feelings don’t matter. So maybe someday I’ll learn that Tom’s not the one to express these kinds of frustrations to. I can discuss anything else with him, just not vent my pet peeves so much.

So anyway, his ear is still bad and he’s only able to sleep 3-4 hours at a time.

As for me, I’ve got the usual aches and pains that go with PMS. Even the back pain is back with a vengeance.

It’s mine and Marie’s one-month anniversary of being in touch with each other in a VERY different way than we were 26 years ago! We sent each other Webshots cards. Hers was an adorable little kitten with a smile on its face, mine was just a bouquet of flowers. We went from “How are you” to “I have a crush on you” to “I want to fuck your brains out” to “I love you” pretty damn fast!

She, like some people (including myself), feels that part-time is better than no-time, though she may have full-time as well with someone else, even if it’s still too soon to be thinking of these things. Well, like I told her, I don’t own her. Not being married to her means I can’t say what she can/can’t have. I just hope that whatever it is she has makes her happy! If she gets with someone who doesn’t treat her right, however, I’m not going to hesitate to tell her she ought to dump the bitch.

Later…

First they’re saying the job market may not return to normal till 2012, now they’re talking 2015! You mean the pause button of our lives is really going to be stuck for that long?!?! God, I really hope nothing up there could want to hold us back that bad, but I know better. It most certainly would want to restrain us from living, and I suppose if it wasn’t with this it would only be with something else.

So this is it until and if the government decides to starve us all together by stopping our checks before the jobs come back? No money, no security, no insurance, no moving, no buying a house, no nothing? What kind of life is that? We couldn’t move if we wanted to, we couldn’t save too much too fast, and therefore we have no real freedom or choice. At least that’s how it feels to me. It’s like being in jail without being in jail. We’re stranded on a deserted island and we have to wait however many years it takes to be rescued by a job so we can finally get on with our fucking lives.

It became obvious months ago that it would be years before he went back to work, and obvious years ago that we would always be poor. I am trying really hard to force myself to accept this reality that we could never change no matter how hard we’re willing to work, no matter how non-lazy we are, no matter how capable we are, but it’s just not that easy. All I can wonder is, what the fuck did we do to deserve this???

So thanks to the greedy bankers that caused this crisis, we’re once again suffering the consequences of other people’s fucked up actions while no one is ever put out by any of our mistakes. And I wouldn’t want them to be. I’m just mighty sick of having to pay for other people’s fuck-ups as well as my own!

And again my anger at God for not caring to help us and answer my repeated prayers for a job is beginning to grow, but He must not mind after all. Yeah, thanks, God. I always wanted to be a little bum in life.

I also know that at the same time, I don’t have to take this shit. That’s because I don’t have to live. I’m free to kill myself anytime I get fed up enough with my going-nowhere life to do so. Living in the present is fine and it isn’t that I don’t have good things going on for me right now, cuz I do. It’s just that knowing that things may very well never change and that this may be it, is not exactly an incentive to live too much longer. I’m not talking days or weeks, but if things don’t change in 6 months to a year, I’m going to seriously consider checking on out of this life and moving onto whatever the next plane of existence may be, though personally, I hope there isn’t one. One existence is enough! But yeah, that’s what I think I’m gonna do. Start setting timetables. If this is all I deserve in life, PMSing or not, why should I deserve even this much? If I feel this strongly about the jobs taking forever to return and us always being dirt poor, could I really be wrong? But when to “exit” is the question if that’s what it’s going to come down to in order to escape being stuck in the same rut we’re in now for another 40 years or so. Next summer? Next Christmas?

Maybe sometime in the fall. I hate winter! Yeah, first 50º day and the girl who was never good enough, never deserving enough to get ahead in life for more than 5 minutes, and in this case, to re-enter the land of the living will get the hell out for good.

Meanwhile, I’m going to be worried if Marie doesn’t tell me she got the surprise I sent her in the mail. That is the postal mail. I sent her some incense.

Think I’ll go visit Jan in her houseboat in never-never land. Geez, maybe I do have a thing for her. What took it so long to shine through, though? I haven’t even seen her for 4 or 5 years. I don’t think I’d really have liked to know her up close and personal, though, despite how she looked. She struck me as the type to be a bitch at times.

How close is too close? This is the question Marie asked me if she were to move to Cali. My answer: I don’t know. Not without a “test drive” first. Meaning, we need to visit first, which she’d like to do in a couple of years. If we haven’t dumped each other by then for some reason, LOL, or if she hasn’t met someone she can have full-time, then a visit may give us a better idea of what’s too close and what’s not. I definitely want to at least visit.

I still can’t say for sure that we’d get it on, which she says would be okay with her since she wants to meet the person she fell in love with and isn’t out for just sex. And I can’t say how I’d feel afterward if we did. Like I told her, maybe I’d feel no better than a mass murderer, or maybe I’d feel like I was only human and I only gave in to my human side.

If I were single I wouldn’t hesitate to have a relationship with her and to tie the knot if it went well, and other than her moodiness, I see no real indication to say that it wouldn’t go well. But I am married and if she came “too close” I would literally be the girlfriend of convenience, only available to her part-time, and she would have to ask herself if that was enough for her if a “test drive” went well.

I know I both do and don’t regret having friends close by. I don’t want them to pester me, but I also like the idea of having each other around in case of an emergency. Had my friends been living here when we had our motel crisis, we never would’ve been homeless for 36 hours like we were. Jessie or Paula would’ve let us crash at their place till we could access our money again.

I suggested she do what I’m trying to do for now and not plan too far ahead. Let’s just take it one day at a time and see where fate takes us. I know I could never leave Tom – not for all the money in the world, not for nothing – and she understands and accepts this. I also know I do want to see her. But I can’t say, at this time, how close is too close.

Tom’s ear is still hurting, but he says it’s getting better. I wish there was something I could do to help! But we both know it just needs to run its course. He expects to be better by Monday.

Dorian read the stories I wrote with Marie and me in mind and he cracked me up, as usual, saying, “Thanks, Jodi. You got me reading porn this early on a Sabbath morning.”

On a serious note, he said he wouldn’t classify them as porn, however, and said that they read smoothly and he could picture the scenes in his head and didn’t have to go back and re-read anything.

Why medicate when you can meditate? That seems to be Eileen’s philosophy, and I agree that the benefits of meditation do seem to outweigh the benefits of medication, so I asked and she sent me tips and pointers on how to go about meditating. I’m starting with two 20-minute sessions a day. Don’t know if I can stick to it, but I’m gonna try!

I feel so bad right now for both Tom and Marie. The man I love has a very painful ear infection, and the woman I love is down and in need of a hug I can’t give her being 3000 miles away.

It is still kind of hard being torn between two people. I never thought I would be, though I kind of was with a certain officer from a decade ago. In the end, she made things a lot easier for me by blowing me off completely. Not that I want Marie to go away, but I told her that if she ever needed to I would understand. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing her any good by sticking around myself, but I couldn’t abandon her unless she told me too, and she said she doesn’t want me to, so here I am.

I have such mixed emotions about the whole thing! I could never leave Tom for the unknown, and a relationship with Marie would be entering the unknown, alright. I can pretty much guarantee that we’d be perfectly compatible in bed, but there’s no way to know for sure how we’d be out of it since that’s so much more complex. But I’ve known years ago that Tom and I can and will make it. I also couldn’t abandon him and leave him all alone, lonely and hurt. This is Side A of me. Flip me over to Side B and you got a lovesick, horny bitch who’d love to throw herself at the tall, dark Italian hottie! I have all the love in the world for my husband, but not an ounce of lust after all these years together, like most long-term couples.

I want Marie out here, but I don’t. It’d be safer and easier if she’d stay away, but just like with her, that adventurous side of me dares to come out and take a walk on the wild side despite whatever risks and dangers may lay ahead.

“Come play with me,” I see myself saying, arm extended in warm and eager invitation. But I know it wouldn’t be just playing. We’re not just a game to each other. It would be easier if we were, yet Marie is someone I love and I know she loves me.

She personalized a radio station just for me today. I’ll Stand By You by the Pretenders has become our song, you could say.

She also sent me a news video she was in. It was when she worked for the city and it’s only a few seconds long as she walks by the camera, but she looked mighty fine to me! licks lips

Jesse came down in the truck today to pick up something of his, saying he had to do some work. He never came to the door, though. I went out, cuz I thought it was Tom returning from the store, and asked what was up.

Little ole foggy-brained me wasn’t supposed to do this entry for another 6 hours or so, but that’s because my “burn-out” experiment isn’t going so well. For those of you who know I’ve had trouble maintaining a schedule for years; I’ve been trying to crash earlier in hopes of holding it for a while. Part of what makes it hard for me to hold a schedule is A, I have trouble falling asleep, and B, I sometimes need more sleep than usual. So if I’ve been up 18 hours and need 10 hours of sleep, that’s what can cause it to jump.

Everything was going fine for starters. I shut down about an hour before Marie sent a message asking if I was getting afraid of her as I learn more about her. laughs Shouldn’t I be the one asking her that?

Anyway, I’m mighty glad to know my getting emotional gets Marie’s motor running, cuz I’m about to engage in a bit of a bitchfest. It wouldn’t surprise me if she had engine failure in the end!

So I shut down and got into bed right before 7:00. By 9:00 I was out cold as I had hoped to be. Only I was supposed to sleep till around 5:00, not 2-fucking-30!

I thought of taking melatonin or Benadryl, but knew that’d not only put me back to sleep, but for a lot longer than 5:00. I finally pulled myself out of bed before 4:00, ate and made coffee. I’m hoping that, plus a shower, will perk me up, but I’m still kind of out of it.

I’m just not sure if I’m waking up just because or if some sound is waking me up, though I don’t know what it could be if it is. I guess my sleep is just cursed no matter what, but this has been the reward for trying to help myself so far. And of course I get pissed at God above when I think about how I don’t need this shit on top of knowing I’m going to be poor and uninsured pretty much all my life, renting other people’s trashy trailers. He gave me this problem, so the least He could do is help me with it or at least let me help myself, but no. clenches fists Gotta be His poor-ass bum and not even be able to control my schedule while I’m at it, and just why is He so determined to make bums out of Tom and I anyway? Huh??? When the fuck is this unemployment trip ever going to end?

I wonder… would God actually get off on seeing me hurt myself right now? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do anything stupid. I wouldn’t give Him the satisfaction if that truly is what He would do, and that’s a very chilling thought to consider. It’s BEYOND chilling to think there could be some outer force with more power than I could ever have that might take pleasure in my pain. Or at least my sheer frustration. Things could be a lot worse than they are, so I’m not at my wit’s end or anything like that. Just frustrated. I’m sick of being stuck in the same old rut for what was weeks, then became months, and now could very well be years.

Learning about Marie has been an interesting experience. I still can’t figure out how I came to love someone I haven’t seen in 26 years and whom I barely knew when I did see her. All I knew about her was her name, and that she went from having a girlfriend named Tammy to a girlfriend named Judy. I was going to write about something that really makes me love her all the more, but am just too tired to do it right now. Actually, it’s pretty simple. It’s because I can do this without being made to feel bad for it. All my life so many people have had a problem with my emotional side coming out, particularly when it was my angry side. They just can’t handle it for some reason. They were always quick to either defend who/what I was pissed at or make excuses for it or play it down or something. I would end up feeling worse and like I should have stifled my feelings. People could usually deal with things that made me sad, but for some reason, my being mad at something or someone really puts them off.

I’m going to get back into bed now, and if I fall asleep, so be it.

Later…

They published my travel story on a Caribbean cruise site but I don’t know why they have me listed as living in Portland Oregon. We lived in Klamath Falls when I wrote this article which is actually just excerpts from my journal.

What a picnic that cruise was compared to when we first moved here! Most of the other cruisers weren’t what I expected them to be. I pictured most of them to be older and mellow when in fact most were just as loud and as obnoxious as your average kid of today is when you go out in public. This is because most of them spent their time at sea getting drunk.

So my schedule’s back to being as fucked up as it usually is. I tried to stay up but ended up falling back asleep and getting those 3 hours I lost. I didn’t get up till after 8am. This means I probably won’t crash before midnight and I’ll probably need 10-12 hours to make up for having my sleep broken up. I thought sleeping at night would mean less waking up during my sleep, but obviously, I’m going to either get woken up by whatever in the daytime and just because at night. I’m sure I’ll wake up 2-3 times along the way tonight, too. I just hope I can go right back to sleep if I’m still tired.

Jesse obviously worked today because when I got up for good this morning the dogs were going crazy. Well, Whiskey was. Yelling at him does no good anymore, probably because he knows I’m not going to beat him with a stick or do whatever it is Jesse does to keep them quiet when he’s home.

In light of the bitchfest in my last entry, Marie cared enough to send me a beautiful scenic video of an old Pretenders song. It cheered me up, but as Tom says, a lot of it is just PMS. I hope I’m not PMSing or on the rag when she visits! Definitely not on the rag.

We heard a shot today and a shot yesterday. We’re both surprised there’s so much shooting here where there are this many people. We may not have one person per every square inch out here like in the city, but there are still enough people in this particular area that you would think there wouldn’t be so much shooting. If there’s this much here, I’m not sure I want to move off the grid.

Exchanged messages with Jessie and Eileen. Looking back on it now, it’s no wonder Eileen could put up with me at camp while no one else wanted to deal with me being the stick of dynamite that I was. She would’ve known and understood what was going on with me.

Tom just went to take the trash up and said he saw no dogs or vehicles. Jesse must have them out with him in the truck. They wouldn’t be this quiet otherwise.

There was a dead mouse under the kitchen sink this morning. I thought I heard movement through where the water pipe runs when I was in the bathroom the other day.

Puerco has a tumor on his side. He’s so fat I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t picked him up yesterday and felt it, but it’s quite obvious. I’m not surprised as this is what kills many rats and mice. The effects aren’t instantaneous, though. It will take 3-4 months before he dies, but he will just about have lived his full lifespan of 2 years.

The question is, do we get another rat when these two are gone? Do we get a dog? Or do we just take a break from pets for a while? With the way the hypocrite up the hill lets his dogs run loose, I’d be afraid to get a small dog and have his dogs attack it.

I got to visit with Jan last night in my dreams without freezing my ass off in the cold and snow I had to deal with when we lived in Oregon. Jan, as in Klamath Indian Jan, who owned the gift shop where I’d buy incense when I wasn’t ordering online, and who might’ve been a hottie if she were 20 years younger. Jan was pretty tall. Had to have been around 5’ 7” or 8” and she had medium-longish black hair and dark eyes.

It was a long, detailed dream, the kind I often have. The strange thing is that I didn’t seem to know anyone I know in the dream. The guy I love didn’t exist and neither did the woman I love. It was like I was alone or something, renting a room or a studio somewhere within the tiny town. The dream had no beginning or intro of any kind. I was just suddenly on Jan’s houseboat on the Klamath River. The dream started as the sun was setting. The interior of the houseboat looked sort of like an RV, and I spent most of the time in the “driver’s seat,” though the boat was anchored.

In real life, she closed the store and opened an online store. She gave me a pen with her site addy, but I’ve long since lost it, though I’d love to check it out and see what it’s like these days. I tried looking her up but all I could find is that she’s Janice Lynn H. born in 1951 and she might’ve lived in Missouri and Washington State at one point. I have no idea if she was gay, straight or bi, but my guess is she was straight. She didn’t look gay or bi, but then again neither does Angelina Jolie, Portia DiRossi or myself.

So the dream starts at dusk and she’s playing a board game with some woman on the other end of the houseboat at a built-in table with benches where she now lives full-time while I’m in the driver’s seat with my laptop. In real life, she owned a duplex and lived on one side of it.

I was at her online store. I laughed to myself when I saw that I was still her one and only “friend” all this time, though I had been using the name Melina. I changed it to my real name and Jan later commented with surprise about that being me all along. My journal link, like in most cases in real life, was attached to my profile, and I wondered if she’d ever seen it.

At one point I stretched my legs and strode down the center aisle of the houseboat. The hum of the generator was very soothing. I looked out the back window and saw water churning from the back of the boat several feet below me. I said to Jan that I liked the sound of it running and that it made for a nice sound machine. I also said she was fortunate to live there and that it would be so cool to live on a houseboat.

Jan and the woman played the night away and I scribbled God knew what on random pieces of paper Jan had on the “dashboard.” The sun eventually began to rise and I suddenly realized I could see to the bottom of the river, surprised it was so shallow. When the sun had totally risen, I slumped over in my seat and fell asleep. Jan woke me up at one point, asking if I’d like to go along with her and her friend to the beauty shop for haircuts. I sat up and said that I could use a trim to even my ends out, but had no money on me, so I had to pass. She said she’d take me tomorrow, which I took to mean that she didn’t want the woman to see her pay for my haircut that day, and she obviously didn’t want to pay for everybody.

She asked if I needed to save any of the sheets of paper I’d written on and I said no. Next, I went wherever for the morning, then in the afternoon, I helped Jan pack and mail off her orders. Then she and I returned to her houseboat. I commented on how I liked that it was “elevated” which provided more privacy at least in the daytime when there were no lights on, and asked what was down below.

“It’s just storage,” she told me. “And where I keep store merchandise.”

Then the rest of the dream seemed to play out fast-forward over several weeks. I ended up confessing that she was still pretty attractive even though she was now 48. She ended up not throwing me overboard. In fact, she said she found me to be both attractive and unique (at least I get to hold a schedule in dreams no matter what’s going on). We started having sex and falling into a routine that consisted of morning work, lunchtime sex breaks, afternoon walks through a bunch of stores and eateries after mailing off the day’s orders, then more sex at night.

It ended with me complaining about my teeth and her offering to marry me so I could go to a dentist.

“But they don’t have gay marriage in Oregon,” I said, and she said she’d figure out a way to “work around” that.

Chatted with Marie this morning on Yahoo’s messenger. She loved the dirty short stories I wrote with us as the main characters. If The Girl Directory does too, they’ll be online in a few weeks. We talked dirty and also about things in general, as we usually do. I just adore her!

“Do you know what happened this morning?” I asked her. “I was lathering up my pussy in the shower, closed my eyes, and then my hand became your hand. Ah, it was sooo good!”

So much for getting vitamins to help boost my energy levels! My energy is fine until I’ve been up for about 12 hours, then suddenly I’m exhausted. I guess I’ve been burning out early because I’ve been working so hard. The good part of it is that it’s slowing my schedule from creeping ahead. I doubt it’ll last much longer, but I’ve been getting up around 6am and loving it. Things are less likely to wake me up when I sleep at night, and by getting up early, I’m the first one up, which is something I prefer since I’m not in a sociable mood for the first hour or two.

Tammy said my journal gives them all a good laugh. I’d almost be disappointed to know if they haven’t been reading it lately, LOL!