Was on track for a decent enough sleep when the honker woke me up. Not in RL, but in my nightmares. Before I get into that, I can’t believe this is going to last for the rest of the time the honker is here, but this is the quietest he’s ever been other than the usual honking. I haven’t even heard the dog howling. Again, though, I can’t believe it will last. If Colleen has anything to do with it by keeping him busy, then I no longer hope they’ll break up and entice him to move. I can see where them having a part-time relationship would make them want to spend as much time together as they can. She’s got a husband for when he goes to Canada, but what does he have up there? Hmm, I wonder.

In the nightmare, the honker had two homes in this park, even if the park didn’t quite look the same. We figured one was sitting empty and got curious, so Tom picked the lock and we poked around inside the second home, LOL. The walls were ugly, but I liked the layout of the place and that it was a little bigger than our place. Looking at the scattering of plants, I started to suspect he could be renting the place out to make a profit since someone had to be caring for them. Then Tom got curious about some things in a closet and started going through them. A bad feeling suddenly came over me, and I said, “Hey, we don’t know if this place is being rented out by someone, and if the honker catches us, we’re…”

“Dead,” finished the honker as I glanced toward the open front door, where he suddenly appeared. Terrified, he came into the house and punched Tom, and then punched me. I was thinking of how to sucker punch him and run when I woke up.

So now I get to be tired when I might have had more energy had I not had that fucking nightmare. I swear I don’t go more than a week without one. I wonder… if the usual things that wake me up suddenly didn’t exist, would we then happen to have these quieter garbage trucks replaced by ones that are airplane-loud like back in California? Would we get noisy neighbors in Toni’s place? Speaking of her, I wonder what’s going on with her because she hasn’t even picked up my message, unless she missed it. Her windows are black as midnight, so maybe she’s staying with someone for the holidays. I hope she’s not in the hospital again.

Oh, wow. So Arteaga did read my message. She read it 10 days after I sent it, never replied, so I still think I did the right thing by unfriending her. No hard feelings, but why be connected if I’m the only one reaching out and I never hear from her?

 I was reading more psychology facts, and one said that people don’t stop caring—they just quit pretending to. I immediately thought of Arteaga.

My insurance company just scared the shit out of me. We got a letter saying my insurance was canceled while everything online appeared fine. So we called them, and it turns out the letter was sent the day before they received payment for the new plan. They say the new card is on the way, but even if we didn’t have it on time, it wouldn’t prevent me from going to my appointments next month.

My nose woke me up yet again, and I’m pissed that I wasted $40 on a heated hose I didn’t need. I should have known better, too. This problem needs surgery or hopefully, hopefully, a medication I can tolerate.

I never thought I would say this, but I wish it would freeze hard for a couple of days to kill off allergens in the air. It’s breezy today, and I figured that since my nose is fucked up anyway, I might as well let in some fresh air, so I opened the master bathroom window and the slider for a while to generate a good cross breeze. You can tell it’s fronting something that’s coming. They say it’s going to rain this evening and then we’re going to have a cold spell, but it’s not going to freeze. Meanwhile, I have to sleep elevated, no matter how much I hate it.

When I was out back for a few minutes, I saw that one of Toni’s storeroom doors was ajar, so I messaged her about it. I told her I would go out and close it for her if she wants.

For $10, I got a nature VR app that’s still in development. It’s good, but not great. The image quality could be a little sharper, and I’m not sure the scale is realistic as it almost seems a little too big. It’s still okay for the price for meditation. There are 12 different beaches and lakes, but mostly beaches. A few are kinda dull.

I started to watch a VR video he shot of him playing with baby Tink the other day and got all teary-eyed. As we both agree, that’s the Tinky we want to remember—the young, happy, playful Tink that could run and jump and climb, not the Tink that was always out of breath due to her giant tumor. He had the camera on the floor so it looked like you were viewing it from lying on the floor. One scene was funny when he appeared to grab himself. What he was actually doing was trying to keep her from climbing up the inside of his pants, LOL. Rats love climbing up pant legs and sleeves. Another cool part was when she got curious and checked out the camera. It looked like you were looking at a gigantic rat.

Really addicted to Arrows, an app I have on my phone. It’s so simple and colorless, yet challenging and fun.

 Today is a MUCH better day than yesterday. Although I woke up 4–5 times just because, nothing woke me up that I recall. I moved my body pillow to the other side of where I lay so that my better nostril would be closer to the pillow, since that side of my nose doesn’t clog up as much. Not sure if that, and the new hose, which prevents rainout, is why I slept better overall. I wasn’t always on my right side either. There were a few times I was face down, as well as on the left side. It was probably just a coincidence.

Got a Circle K grab bag from the Too Good To Go app. The stuff was good, but similar to other grab bags, so there’s no real surprise in it.

Got a black cedar–scented candle from the dollar store, and ordered another WoodWick trilogy candle (Warm Woods) on Amazon. The scents are Fireside, Redwood, and Sandalwood Clove.

I’m sure the WoodWick candle will be great, but the black cedar wasn’t as strong as I thought it’d be for burning. It needed to go on the warmer. No more candles by this brand!

A couple has been staying with Ray. They’ve been power washing his house. I can hear it, but it’s not anything that would wake me up. Still really worried about him having the rest of the windows done when I’m sleeping.

 Got the set of 16 candles, and I'm definitely disappointed. I can't smell a thing. They smelled great when I sniffed them before I lit them, and one of them I can smell really well if I stick my nose over its flame, but I think maybe they're just too small to really have much of a throw. Either that or the quality and strength of the oils aren't good.

Okay, I moved a couple onto my warmers to see if that brings out the smell and yes, it helps a lot.

I have continued to be extremely exhausted and frustrated. I'm really starting to believe the end is near because I can't go on like this much longer if the doctors don't help me. I don't want to desert Tom in case he ever needed help but if I can't help myself, I'm no good to him. Besides, I'm tired of feeling tired and shitty. Every fucking time I sleep, I'm waking up multiple times a night either just because or because of breathing/CPAP issues (usually the latter), whether I take clonazepam/antihistamines or not. This is fucking ridiculous. This place is starting to make it seem like I didn't sleep all that bad at the last place after all. How is it I'm in one of the quietest places I ever lived in, and I'm sleeping the worst ever? Hell, not even the NHA was this bad, and it was plenty bad enough!

I slept OK for the first 6 hours, and then I removed the mask altogether. I realized I wasn't elevated enough on the two pillows I was using (I suspected that might not be enough), but was too tired to get up and get the large wedge pillow. Ironically enough, once I removed my mask and was lying flat, my nose was actually clearer. So then I got to thinking, what if the CPAP itself is causing some of my problems? So I did a little research and found that yes, it can do this. One of the things it recommended was a heated hose. Although I have my doubts, I'm desperate enough to try anything once, so I've got one coming today.

The surprising thing was my AHI score. I think it was the lowest ever at just 1.0! Amazing, along with my Fitbit sleep score for someone who wakes up so exhausted. Last night I got hit with whistling, snorting, hissing, and my nose clogging up. Right now, though, I think sleep disturbances may be more responsible for my fatigue than CF.

Another shitty sleep, but hey, what else is new? I only have so much longer to deal with this, though. If the doctor can’t fix this, I will. Still would have preferred to stick around as long as he does and actually live my life, but I cannot and will not accept a life spent in bed wishing I could do what I no longer can. I do feel a little better than I felt earlier.

I suddenly remembered that we hadn't switched the CPAP back from saying I was using a full face mask to a nasal mask, so we did that today. I don't know that it makes a difference in how it works, but there must be a reason for these options. Maybe it scores differently depending on what you choose, and maybe that's why my scores have been a little elevated lately. We'll find out.

Another thing that's been fucked up is my digestive tract. I haven't been stuck this often or doing wimpy poops so often either. I don't feel like I'm lacking in liquids or fiber, so I don't know what's up with that. That's the least of my concerns though, even though I feel slight nausea at times. I swear I woke up feeling nauseous at one point last night too. Well, I don't know if the nausea woke me up or if I woke up and then noticed I was nauseous. I'm guessing the latter.

Did some research to settle my curiosity as to why so many places in dreams seem so vivid and realistic, and now I'm even starting to doubt the multi-universe theory. I asked how we could dream of such places if no one we dream of is made up and is actually based on someone we saw at some point or another in our lives. Well, since memory is reconstructive and not photographic, those vivid and realistic-looking places are actually from various sources, be it parts of photographs, movies, or places we've actually been, etc.

I'm also more convinced that NDE experiences aren't real. They're very real to the person that experiences them, but they're not literally real. It's just the brain playing tricks on them, which would explain why so many of these experiences are similar, with the bright light and the tunnel and a supposed God, etc.

To confirm my ever growing doubts of there being a god, I even started a little prayer sheet on Google Docs just to see how it pans out. Keeping the prayers realistic and fair and reasonable, I've got a few prayers that are more long-term over the next several weeks and months, and then a daily prayer for better sleep and energy.

Before I crashed, I prayed for better sleep and energy and was definitely denied this. The three other long-term ones I've got so far are to get to my ENT appointment without being too exhausted, for Ray to finish his windows while I'm awake, and to get my energy restored in 2026. Not expecting the last one to happen, I was thinking I might go right when storm season starts. Why make myself even more exhausted for nothing?

There's just no way we could leave Florida without being forced to rent some dumpy apartment. At our ages, if we suddenly didn't have this house, we would almost certainly never be homeowners again. A part of me thinks it would be nice to rent and not have it be on us when a major appliance craps out, and since I can't sleep in a quiet place and I'm going to be exhausted anyway, we may as well enjoy the freedom of being able to move around easier—not that we could afford just any rental. But renting is more expensive and moving takes energy I don't have, and I definitely don't want to go back to the days of having to listen to people slamming doors and cabinets and blasting TVs and music while some of them walk like elephants.

When Ray gets his windows replaced in his living room, I wonder if this will encourage him to open them more and let his TV sounds out. I sure hope not. Although we suspect that some of the times we could hear the TV, he had the lanai open.

Kathy's in the hospital with her third round of COVID. I'm sorry she feels like shit, but that's what you get for having the initial two vaxes but no boosters. It will be interesting to see if she's learned from this.

 I never thought I would want to hear a neighbor do a project, but I was really hoping they would return and finish the windows now that I'm on days. Of course, they're going to wait until I'm on nights.

As expected, I slept shitty as ever last night. Most of the problem was that it was very fraggy. I also had a stuffy nose and air escape my mouth. AHI score is bad at 7. The mask keeps lifting the edges of the nose strips, too. I used the neti thing before bed and took Zyrtec. Why is my nose still stuffy then??? What am I doing wrong? It's going to be a very long, yucky-feeling, exhausted day.

No playing with my new VR toy either. :-(

Tom said we could absolutely, definitely move if we had to. But how and where, other than to a dumpy apartment in Mississippi?? Beautiful weather or not, I don't want to be forced to kill myself because I can't sleep, and we can't move either.

Anyway, between yesterday's anxiety and today's frags, I've skipped my med. Fuck labs.

Yesterday turned out to be a fun day. We went to Publix and grabbed a few things. The store was blissfully quiet when we entered, but by the time we left, Christmas music was blasting at us. How do the employees stand to work with that shit all day long? Same shit at the dollar store, too. The speaker was right above me when I was smelling different candles, so I had music blasting down on me there, too. The fact that this trend hasn't changed tells me it's never going to.

On the way back from Publix, a guy walking a dog was saying something to me as I got out of the car, and with my shitty vision, it took a moment to register that it was the redneck. Of course, I addressed him as Steven, lol, and said, “Oh, is that Steven?” He nodded, and I said I didn't recognize him at first, and he made some joke about needing to shower and wished us a Merry Christmas. Even though we don't like him since he's two-faced and Republican, I've got to admit he's rather friendly for Florida.

The fun part was when I used my refund to order a set of 16 different tiny candles. The scents are: Rose, Spring, Wood Sage & Sea Salt, Jasmine, Mediterranean Fig, Blue Bell, English Pear & Freesia, Peony Cherry Blossom, Bergamot, Gardenia, Lemon, Strawberry, Lavender, Rosemary, Vanilla, and Peppermint.

The only one I'm not going to like is lemon.

Another fun thing was when Tom discovered a new app with a free tier called Trainr Move, with realistic-looking fitness coaches that you can use workout credits for dressing up and changing hairstyles and makeup. I just don't think I'm going to have the energy to play around with it today, but it would definitely encourage me to be more active with the way it's gamified. I don't care about the social aspect of it or competing, but I like everything else so far, even though it's a little buggy. The environment is realistic and nice-looking, too. They have different environments, but not a whole lot to choose from.

I like to read a lot of psychology facts, and I still firmly believe that misogyny mostly stems from repressed sexuality. A guy who clearly favors other guys who lash out at women does so because he can't handle and accept the fact that he prefers other men. I don't care what anyone says because I totally believe that without a doubt. I don't know that I could say every single rapist was gay, but I'd be willing to bet that most of them are.

I disagree with the fact that said something to the effect of if you stop chasing someone who doesn't seem interested in you, they'll chase you instead. I don't believe it works that way at all whether it's someone you're looking to be intimate with or have a friendship with, online or offline. If someone's not interested, they're not interested whether you chase them or not. Believe me, Arteaga isn't going to notice I deleted her, and if she does, it will be quite a while, and she won't run and send me a friend request because of it. She'll just realize she hasn't heard from me, and after I'm a fleeting thought, I'll become a long-lost memory. But that's okay. As I've learned a little too late in life, this teaches me who cares and who doesn't.

Someone you've smiled at has imagined killing you but you'll never know who it was, is also a fact I read. I think everyone's imagined killing someone at some point or another. In my case, I'm sure it was a relative, the freeloaders, or both.

For the longest time, I've wondered if it really was a cop emailing me on behalf of the Phoenix freeloaders back in 2012. Can't believe it took me over a decade to come to this conclusion, but while I would doubt that it was and then start to change my mind based on the Google alert saying the pigs were nosing into my Google account, I think it's safe to say that what likely happened was that yes, the black, hating bitch went crying to the pigs and they nosed into my account, but the nigress had to have been told they couldn't make a case against me. I've racked my brains over and over again, and I did absolutely zero illegal activity on Blogger. The worst thing I did was sign her up for blog posts, which back then would display in the bodies of emails. If I understand the laws correctly, you had to send thousands of emails to thousands of people in order for it to be considered spam.

So I think that when they were told no case could be made against me was when they faked the message from the cop claiming a case was made against me. I'm sure they wanted me to call them so they could let me have it. Just the generic Hispanic name of Juan Diaz, akin to John Smith, was a red flag, as was the use of the past tense when he said he "worked" for the police department. Also, if a case was made against me, why would I be told this in an email and not contacted in person, by phone, or by certified postal mail? Really, I don't know why I'm so slow to catch on at times!

 We went to the dollar store yesterday, and I got the $6 coconut candle I can’t even smell. It barely smells even on the warmer, so I turned it into a bathroom night light. This will be good to light the way when I’m on nights.

I had a bunch of senseless dreams during my very fragmented sleep. I may be fat, tired, and stuck a lot lately, but I think the old levo is accumulating a bit too much for my own personal comfort. I am down a couple of pounds, and I’ve been having a hard time staying asleep, not to mention feeling very warm. Not wanting to skip with labs being just a few weeks away, I cut my waiting time to 15 minutes.

Let’s see… for some reason, I was a wanted woman, and my cousin Lori, whom I haven’t seen in decades, said she called the cops on me. Instead of running, I resigned myself to my inevitable arrest, although that didn’t happen.

Then I dreamed of playing miniature golf with Maliheh, but not in VR. We were in a large room with an area set up for golfing. It resembled one of those shallow water fountains you find in public, and I had to drain the water out of it so we could play.

Then I was discussing a job I hated with my parents, who were alive again, and I said I was going back into the entertainment business.

In another dream, Colleen posted a video in the park group, and I could hear the Honker talking in the background even though I never saw him. I was tempted to leave a snarky remark, but I didn’t.

Lastly, there was a dream about Tom telling me my premonition was correct and that we weren’t going to get as much money as we thought we were going to get from who knows what or who. It seemed like it was a monthly payment thing we were expecting, and it was only going to be $50 and not hundreds of dollars as originally thought. Hopefully, that’s not a sign that, if I’m alive in a couple of years, I don’t get nearly as much as we think I’ll get in retirement money. That would be just our shit luck, too.

Been seeing less and less of a certain someone, and I really hope it’s got nothing to do with my hoping she’d crawl out of her shell like she said she wanted to do. More than likely, she’s afraid of AI. She just strikes me as the type that would be paranoid about it, but if my befriending her—or at least trying to—has anything to do with it, I know that’s on her and not me. I’m not responsible for how others choose to react to things, after all.

Since they refunded me for the maple syrup and pancake candle due to being out of stock, I’m going to get a set of small candles as soon as I get another Yupp payment. After that will come another WoodWick trilogy. That’s my middle-of-the-night writing candle.

 I couldn’t agree with the part in italics more! What it’s saying is so true. It speaks to exactly why I’m not forgiving and why being unforgiving can actually be a good thing. I don’t know why it says people are expected to forgive as if it’s their moral duty, though, because I personally have noticed that most people are very unforgiving. They don’t forgive, forget, or move on any more than I do. I used to be forgiving, and I lived to regret it. There’s only one person I forgave that I was glad I did in the end.

It’s so true, though, that it’s not about holding a grudge but creating a safe distance. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t pissed as hell at those who have wronged me the most in life. I was, and I still hate their guts with a passion, but again, it’s not about grudge-holding. It’s about self-respect and self-protection.

Never forgive people who hurt you, watched you break… and felt nothing.
Not because you’re bitter.
Not because you’re holding a grudge.
But because there’s a difference between someone who makes a mistake and someone who witnesses your pain and remains unmoved.

There are people who hurt you and don’t fully understand the impact. Those situations can be worked through. Healing can happen there. Growth is possible.

But then there are the others.
The ones who saw the tears in your eyes and kept going.
Who noticed the change in your voice, your energy, your spirit… and chose indifference.
Who watched you fall apart in front of them and felt justified, powerful, or simply unbothered.

That kind of harm isn’t accidental.
It’s a choice.

Forgiveness is often talked about like a moral duty, but some people haven’t earned access back into your heart. Forgiving someone who felt nothing while destroying you teaches them that your pain has no consequence. And it teaches you something dangerous too… that you should tolerate the intolerable.

You’re allowed to move on without reopening the door.
You’re allowed to heal without reconciling.
You’re allowed to protect yourself from people who showed you exactly how little your pain mattered to them.

Peace doesn’t always come from forgiveness.
Sometimes it comes from distance.
From boundaries.
From finally saying, “You don’t get to hurt me again.”

Not everyone deserves another chance.
Some people deserve to be remembered as a lesson… not invited back into your life.

 I decided to go ahead and block Andy because I don't want to prevent friend requests and messages I actually want to receive just to keep him out of the picture, although I have clamped down on who can message me. This way, if anyone wants to send a friend request, they have that option. Besides, 90% of Andy's posts were celebrity-related, anyway.

Another unwanted change on VZfit: they got rid of their radio stations, although they still have an option to play muzak-like shit, and now you have to go through Amazon or Spotify. Technically, you can open YouTube in another window or whatever app you want, but it's a pain in the ass, and it sucks because their radio stations made it easier for me to discover new music. So I decided that the option that seems like it's going to be the least of a pain is Spotify. Amazon doesn't have nearly as many songs available unless you get Music Unlimited. I might even try listening to some true crime podcasts, but I don't know if I'd like that. Listening to audiobooks while I'm coloring is fine, but I like to work out to the beat of music. So I'm building up a little song list on Spotify. I'll just have to remember to check out new releases every now and then to discover anything new I might like to add.

My Merlot candle came, and it's a bust. I couldn't smell hardly anything with it lit, so I had to put it on the warmer to bring out the smell. All I smell are cherries, though. That is a top flavor in this wine, but where's the alcohol smell along with it? If all I wanted were cherries, I would have gotten a cherry candle. Once I get done trying the off-brands I want to try and get that out of my system, I'm definitely going to stick with Mainstays, WoodWick, and YC.

Back to Andy… I had a dream involving his mother, Judy, but I don't remember what it was about. I just got the sense that it was a positive dream.

Another positive dream was us vacationing somewhere once again and having to sleep together because there was only one bed in the room. After a while, I realized, hey, I'm able to sleep with this guy without his every move and sound waking me up. I then wondered if pushing two full-size beds together would equal a king-size and if a king-size sheet would fit over it, LOL.

Although I don't know what it was for, I had been in jail for a few months in the last dream, but I wasn't sentenced yet. I was stressing over my upcoming court date and decided that if they didn't release me, I would release my pent-up rage on anyone and everyone I could until I was restrained, and therefore give them a real reason to keep me in jail.

I finished my book, Them, and next begins the long, arduous task of proofreading and editing. AI tools have really made book writing so much easier. This way, I don't have to proofread and edit nearly as much content. I just talk-type the chapter, have AI correct it, and then I double-check it just like I do with my journal entries. With the fatigue I often have, this is a tremendous help. If I had to write journals by hand like the good old days, I don't know that I could keep up with my thoughts that way anymore. After I get this book finished and published, I'll finish editing old stuff before beginning anything new.

As I suspected they would, they returned yesterday to Ray's place, but didn't install any more windows. It seems like only one guy came this time. I saw him pull a caulking gun from his truck, and we heard hammering on the other side of the house. Then, when Tom was out doing laundry, he saw the guy filming the windows as he walked around the house. Now that I'm up most of the day, I really hope to hell they just get it over with and finish this project so I don't have that hanging over my head when I start sleeping in. I don't want to feel like I'm back in Phoenix. I hate having people living so close to me!

Anyway, I have decent enough energy to go out to the dollar store this morning. It's been days since I've been out, so I'm definitely ready to get out and get some fresh air and sunshine, even though it's chilly out now.

 I noticed that Andy unfollowed me. There will always be a twinge of guilt where he’s concerned, although not at all with Tammy. I’m proud of myself for being true to myself, standing by my well-being, and refusing to keep cycling through the toxicity with the same old people. I am no longer a forgiving person, and it embarrasses me that I once was. Like a woman who keeps taking an abusive man back into her life, believing things would be different from that point on, I did the same stupid shit with friends and family. No more! I have put whatever guilt I may have aside to consider my sanity, selfish or not. It really is okay to put ourselves first and foremost at times and ask ourselves if a certain person is a good asset to our lives or not. If the answer is no, it’s okay to avoid those people. I just wish I had learned my lesson years ago.

I don’t quite have as much energy as yesterday. I just wasted nearly two hours of alone time in bed. I couldn’t breathe out of my nose well, so I just kept my mouth open as best as I could. It really dries out that way. I didn’t fall asleep, but I rested. I’m just going to have to spend the rest of my day tired. Anyway, I’ll take half of clonazepam before bed, so hopefully my sleep will be less fragmented than it was today. When I got up to pee, I noticed that the left side of my nose was clogged again, but I don’t think it woke me up. I just seemed to wake up several times for no reason. So yeah, I’m wondering more and more if it’s not that I have CF, but shitty sleep that’s leaving me tired. A big part of it is still my nose—allergies, valves, and then frags.

This shit is really, really driving me to my wits’ end. When we first moved to Cali, we were forced to live like bums, and now I’m forced to live like a disabled person.

They still haven't returned to do the rest of the windows and I worry they could return tomorrow since it's the weekend. They may not have returned yet because they had to work. Well, I'm not going to be able to stay up past approximately 1:30, so hopefully they don't get here around then and plan on doing windows until dark.

On the fun side, I ordered more candles and wax melts from Amazon with my Yupp money and did a large Temu order with my Prolific money, consisting mostly of household items. The wax melts are buttered popcorn, and the candles are Fine Merlot and Pancakes & Maple Syrup.

The Temu stuff consists of special slicing scissors for slicing things like cucumbers, as well as scissors with a few blades for cutting green onions. I also got some cover sheets and a new blanket, as well as these things that help keep sheets snug. I hate it when sheets slip and bunch. I also got a hair-removing device I have my doubts about. You supposedly just rub it on your legs in a circular motion and it removes hair, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It was so cheap I couldn’t pass it up, though. Plus, I also restocked on Swiffers and got a five-layer pen/pencil tray for my colored pencils. I think that will make it easier to see them as opposed to the case they’re in.

Definitely learned that it’s bad to tunnel, melt, tunnel, melt, tunnel, melt, because then you get drowned wicks. The whiskey candle burned just fine, but because I had to go and melt tunnels too soon, I drowned the wick. Best to let it tunnel down to where you start seeing the wick’s base, if it’s going to do that, and then warm the last of it till the fragrance is released.

I dreamed that Tom and I were staying in a hotel. It seemed pretty fancy too, although I don’t know where it was. At one point, we were in our room, and I told Tom I was going to go get some fresh sheets and towels since we’d already been there a week. He said he would rather make them do the work. As if reading my mind, a couple of housekeepers—a woman and a man—suddenly appeared with fresh sheets and towels.

In another scene, we were down in a large dining room in the hotel’s lobby. Not sure what I was eating, but I glanced over at a young woman sitting at a nearby table, laughing and happily eating cakes and donuts. She was young and skinny, and I thought to myself that she ought to enjoy being able to do that while she could.

Then we were back in the room, with me wishing I could continue to get up at 6:00 a.m., but knowing I was going to sleep later and later.

 Slept better last time around, and therefore I feel better today. I’m in a much better mood too. These days, I’m usually only in a bad mood when I sleep shitty. Most of the problem definitely lies in my nose, between the allergies and the nasal valves. It doesn’t happen every time I sleep, but every two to three times it’s a problem. I slept flat in my preferred position, planning to reach over for one of the new pillows I got if my nose clogged up, but I was okay. Not that I don’t feel hopeless, or that it’s going to take forever to resolve the issue—if it even can be—but it doesn’t seem as much of a crisis when I’ve had decent enough sleep and don’t feel half bad.

It rained while I slept, but there was no thunder. They still haven’t returned to beat in the rest of the windows next door. I’m sure they will when I have to sleep. I hate having that hanging over my head, but I can’t believe he’s only going to replace half of the windows. Who knows—maybe I’ll get lucky enough to have them come when I’m awake?

The candle warmers are definitely better for wax cubes and detunneling. Otherwise, as I’ve learned, candles don’t last nearly as long this way. The faster they melt, the faster the scent is released.

I decided I wanted to make room spray with my leftover essential oils, so I did some research to get a good idea of what the ratio between oil and water should be. I learned that I should add an emulsifier since oil and water don’t mix. It didn’t matter with the diffuser because of the ultrasonic device in it. It gave me a list of things I could use, and I think I’ll start with vinegar. If that’s not good for whatever reason, I’ll try alcohol.

 Where I felt great yesterday, now I’m back to normal. Meaning, I’m batshit exhausted, and I feel like I’m forced to be this disabled person stuck in bed when I could be up and about doing things. They didn’t add the rest of the windows; I just kept waking up, and at one point, I was struggling to breathe. Yes, I was on my stomach, and no, I didn’t take an antihistamine. I used the neti thing, and that was it.

Next time around, I will be elevated in a more comfortable way, and will take Zyrtec. I just hope I’m elevated enough. I got a couple of cheap soft pillows that elevate me more gently and more comfortably without putting strain on my neck or spine. The only potential issue with this is that, because it kind of envelops part of my head being so soft, it can block some of the vent holes on the mask and cause a hissing or whistling sound.

Anyway, it’s another brain-dead, exhausting day, and now I have the added stress of wondering when the hell they’re going to finish the window replacements an arm’s length away from the bedroom. It could also thunder tomorrow, and I'm still mostly on nights.

Tom tells me he knows he’s right when he says the doctors will help me and that this matter will be resolved, but seeing is believing for me. I don’t believe anything until and if it happens.

I would love to resolve this so I can finally move on to whatever my next long-time struggle will be, but I just don’t see it because I’ve got the triple whammy of allergies on top of nasal valves on top of fragmented sleep. While surgery could fix my nose, I just don’t see what medication I can take to address the allergies and the frags so I can finally sleep well enough to reclaim my life.

I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life like this. If I’m not going to be able to live my life, then I don’t want my life. I still would have much rather preferred to live as long as he does, but I can’t hold out for him if all I’m going to do is suffer. I feel like shit nearly every day, and I can’t even think straight. Life has become so hard for me, and I really do feel like I’m this disabled person I normally wouldn’t be if I could just sleep.

Another problem is that if I’m fixable, how long would it take? I had to fight for the better part of a year to get back on the CPAP. I just wish I could know if I’m fixable and how long it would take, because there’s no point in living if it’s as hopeless as I feel. I wish I could believe Tom. As I told him, that’s the one and only thing I miss about being a kid—that you believed everything you were told. If I were in this situation as a kid, my parents would tell me it would be okay, and I would believe it, and that right there would help make things easier and get me through my ordeal.

But I’m all grown up now and smart enough to know there are no guarantees. I remind myself that I’m going to have to kill myself someday, no matter what. If it isn’t soon because I can’t sleep, then eventually it will be when he dies. I’m simply not meant to die a natural death, as much as I would prefer to, even if it may be a lot more unpleasant than what I have planned. I just can’t let myself suffer for much longer and keep putting myself through hell.

If there’s anything up there, it clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, and it’s not about to help me. So the “God helps those who help themselves” line is nothing but pure bullshit. For now, all I can do is try to sleep elevated, even if it’s not as comfortable for me, and hope that’s enough until I can find out what the ENT says next month.

I feel like a criminal who has been convicted and is now awaiting sentencing to find out if she’s going to get life or death. But I’m simply not going to die of a heart attack. I’m not going to die of a stroke. I’m not going to get cancer and die. I’m not going to get killed in a car accident. I’m not going to get a deadly virus.

Rhonda’s staff continues to frustrate me, although I would love for them to be the worst of my problems in life. Oh, what wonderful problems I used to have that I thought were such crises!

Once I got my ultrasound results, I messaged them on the portal telling them I got the results and they don’t need to call. So he called for me due to my schedule after they left a message and got an answering service saying to use the portal. Then I finally got a reply to my message telling them I was on nights and asking if they could tell me what it was about there, saying that yes, it was just about the ultrasound. The ultrasound I already told them I saw the results of, and told them there was no need to call me for. Do they want to do the opposite of what I ask them? Sure seems that way. Again, why ask patients on initial forms what their preferred method of contact is and ask if it's OK to leave messages if you're not going to honor their requests?

With our next Walmart order, I’m going to get a couple of spray bottles and make bathroom sprays out of leftover essential oils. Some of them I’m placing open on the warmer, but I have to be careful not to let them get hot enough to reach their flash points.

I spotted something weird on the bathroom floor and picked it up, hoping it was bedding. After close inspection, I decided it wasn’t, and dropped it into the toilet. But then I spotted something else on the pink bath mat. It was definitely bedding. No doubt about it. I burst into tears, holding it in my hand, silently thanking Tink if it was, God forbid, a real sign. I swear I vacuumed that mat once or twice since her passing!

Instead of being pissed that I may have to die to keep from feeling like shit and miss out on shopping and renovating, I’m now racking my brain trying to guess what that piece of bedding could be all about. Was it embedded deep down and somehow didn’t get sucked up by the vacuum? Did I track it in from another room, even though those rooms have been vacuumed too? Or could it really, truly, actually be a sign?

After I found it, I raked my fingers through the bath mat and even picked it up and shook it out. If anything else appears, it absolutely should not be there. Would sure love to find another piece that absolutely should not be there, though! I’ve been wishing and hoping, but this is the first thing I’ve spotted since shortly after she died.

A new challenge came out yesterday with just three rides that total about 60 miles—two in the SE and one up in northern Alaska. I don’t think I’m going to have the energy to ride today, but hey, I’m no longer able to do nano/newno, so sooner or later, I figure I’m no longer going to be able to complete challenges either. ChatGPT insists that although it won't be quick and easy, there is real hope for me. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

 I ended up crashing just after 9:00 AM. I woke up a couple of times for a second, then got up at 4:45 to pee. I thought to myself, Wow, that’s the best I’ve slept in ages! My dumbass body didn’t wake me up in any way. No snoring, no tummy issues, no chipmunks, no leaks, no allergies, no nightmares—no nothing.

As I was peeing, though, I heard scuffling sounds and thought it was something Tom was doing. I thought maybe he was in the other bathroom since they’re right next to each other, but I also thought it was a little weird that he would be that animated. Not thinking much of it, I got back in bed and decided to doze off for another hour. Right as I was dozing back off—or at least I think I was, since I was in that zone where you’re not quite sure what’s what—I heard it. Bang, bang, bang! I knew it wasn’t Tom. Turns out Ray’s having his windows replaced.

While it’s great that I’m not nearly as tired as I thought I would be, what’s not great at all is that they’re not finished. From what we can tell, they did the three windows on the other side of the house, plus the second bedroom next to our place. That leaves the three living room windows and possibly the kitchen window. I can’t stay up all fucking day tomorrow, but I don’t see how I can sleep through them pounding away 13 ft from our house. I’ll try cranking the sound machine way up and using an earplug, but I don’t know that that will save me. Even if I don’t actually hear it, I would probably feel the vibrations of the hammering. As I said before, manufactured homes suck.

It wasn’t a window company but someone he knows. There weren’t any logos on the truck. After checking the cameras, I saw that they arrived shortly before 10:00. They stopped working right before 5:00, but didn’t leave until 7:30. He probably fed them dinner. The two guys were pretty young-looking, in their twenties—30s at the very most. At first, I thought it was the guy who was parked on us a couple of years ago, but he was around our age. Could be a relative of that guy, though, if it’s the same truck. Tom said he saw no more than four windows. The bathroom windows have odd sizes, so he may not replace those.

As I told Tom, I don’t see how he cannot see that there’s a curse on my sleep. I couldn’t deny it even if I wanted to. There’s too much of a pattern for too long. It didn’t use my body against me last time around because somehow it must have known about the racket to come next door (at least I slept through the mowers). I’m guessing it’s going to get worse and worse until around Friday, or maybe even later. They’re saying we could have thunderstorms on Thursday. So if they’re banging away finishing up tomorrow, and a storm wakes me up on Thursday, I may be looking at another round of hardcore exhaustion. Then sure enough, as soon as I start to pick back up again on sleep and energy, the shit will hit the fan all over again. Again, this can’t possibly be a coincidence. I just don’t see how there’s any way it could be.

I told Irma about Ray replacing the windows, and she said, “I suppose the roof is next.” My thoughts exactly! And I’m sure it will be when I’m sleeping. That roof is 20 years old, she said, but it has a 30-year life expectancy. I doubt it could last another decade in Florida. I knew he was going to replace the windows, though. That’s not just being psychic but common sense. If you can afford two houses, you’ve got money. I’m almost surprised it took this long. Hopefully, once the windows and roof are done, that will be it for him for a good long time, since you don’t paint vinyl siding and I can't think of anything else he might do. Then I’ll have to listen to whatever the new people in Toni’s place eventually end up doing. I’m still a little surprised her place hasn’t sold yet. Yes, I know the market isn’t that good now, but I would think that having a little more privacy in back would be a plus.

Again, I’m lucky I’m not a lot more tired, but I’m certainly going to be tomorrow and the next day. I know how this vicious cycle works. This is exactly why I’m contemplating ending it more and more. Something up there simply won’t let me live my life. I can’t do things consistently with so much fatigue so often. If I didn’t know any better, I would be fearful that this would end up killing me with the way it’s got to be breaking down my bodily systems as the years add up, not to mention what it’s doing to my brain—but I know better. It doesn’t want to kill me. It just wants to torture me. Keep it up, whatever you are, and I won’t be around for you to get the satisfaction anymore! Really, I’m not going to put up with this. This is no life. If your quality of life sucks, then what’s the point? I feel too shitty too much of the time, and I never once had the desire to spend so much time in bed either. I’m just not that kind of person. I have no desire to lie around half the day wishing I had more energy to do things, and I don't care who may have it worse. This is bad enough. I'm not young anymore and can't simply bounce back like I used to. I want to write, be more active, and much more—not be stuck in bed dreaming of what I can no longer do.

Another thing that frustrates me is Rhonda’s staff, especially since we pay for this shit every month. Again, why ask on forms what our preferred method of contact is if you’re not going to honor the patient’s request if they choose the portal as an option? I went in to shut it down since they’re not going to bother using it, but I couldn’t find an option to delete the account. Next medical group I’m with, I’ll just choose phone calls as my preferred method of contact since that’s what they’re going to do anyway and not bother to sign up for the portal. I’ll just play it their way because I obviously don’t have a choice. I can’t communicate the way I want, and I can’t schedule appointments when I want. They saw my message, but sure enough, they wouldn’t use the portal to tell me why they called. Tom’s going to call for me tomorrow and settle my curiosity. I might just call myself if I’m forced to stay up while Ray has the rest of the windows put in.

Damn, do I miss having breathing room around me! I’m tired of having to know it whenever a neighbor does a project. Once the honker’s daughter leaves, I’m sure I’m going to have to deal with his shit next. Luckily, he’s further away.

The only good news today is Spaces, candles and websites. I’m not sure how he does it, because I’m not a programmer, but he set up a private website similar to how he set up sites for the schedule-predicting program and the cameras. One is for a calendar that we can share for appointments or whatever we want to put on it. He has a lovely background of a whale picture. I think it’s one he took when we were in Hawaii. The other is for to-do and wish lists.

So the candle I got today is white rose and peach. I’m not really smelling any peach, but I definitely smell roses. It’s nice. It’s a Mainstays. Mainstays has never let me down with their candles. They burn well and have a great throw. Then again, the more I concentrate on the smell, maybe I am smelling some peach. It’s mostly a flowery scent. I looked at the Google Sheet where I keep track of my candles—what I like and what I don’t like—and when I counted how many nature scents I have, along with sweets, florals, and fruits, I decided I needed more florals.

Spaces. This is something that has existed on Twitter/X for a while now, but I never really took it seriously. But with Swell going away, I decided to try it. It works pretty well, and you can even go longer than five minutes per chat. You can talk as long as you want. The only thing I don’t like is that I have to wait about five seconds before I start talking; otherwise, the first few words I speak will be cut off. I decided to use my main account much in the way I used to use Swell. This means I’ll talk about whatever, but mostly what’s going on at the moment. I’ll use another account as a memoir. I’ll start at the beginning of my life and slowly work up to present times. Then it will become more of a detailed sort of thing that I won’t share with anyone.

 I forgot to mention that they left a message from Rhonda's office asking me to call them back, saying it wasn't important. These people really can't use the portal for what it's designed for, can they? If they absolutely have to call, why can't they at least leave a message explaining what it's about? I know I was asked what my preferred method of communication was, and I know I was also asked if it was OK to leave messages if they did have to call, and I said yes to both when filling out the initial paperwork. So why is it so hard for them to honor my preferences??? Next medical group I'm with, I'm not even gonna bother to sign up for the portal.

So I messaged them through the portal and told them I was working nights at the moment, and that if it wasn't something they could tell me on the portal, I'd call them as soon as it was convenient. Damn, I really hate old-fashioned, in-person appointments! I will always miss Galileo, but I know I'll never have them again or anything similar.

They really annoy the fuck out of me, though. It really bothers me that we pay a fee every month for them not to do what I want. The pressure to call. The pressure to schedule appointments sooner than I want. It really pisses me off. Why ask people what their preferences are if you're not going to honor them? I'm gonna go see if I can just shut this portal down. Why have it if they're not gonna use it?

 The torture goes on. I’ve already drafted my suicide note to make it look like Tom was completely blindsided by my actions, since we live in a world where we love to blame others for other people’s actions. I thought about going tomorrow when he donates, but decided to get the damn allergy testing done that we regret not getting done sooner, and seeing what the ENT has to say about that and my nasal valves. I can probably get the nasal valve surgery and a sleep apnea mouthguard, but I still don’t see what can be done for my allergies. I can’t have shots, and I don’t know that there’s a medication that would help that I could actually tolerate.

I just can’t get my fucking body to shut up when I’m sleeping. It snores, it snorts, and that’s not counting allergies, chipmunks, leaks, nightmares, and other stuff. The second time around, I wasn’t able to put up with the large wedge pillow. Both of the wedge pillows are too firm. So now I’m doubling up on regular pillows. I don’t know if I’m elevated enough, but it’s more comfortable to be gently elevated than firmly elevated to where it puts a kink in either my neck or my lower back.

My stomach is completely trashed because of the shitty sleep. I’ve been having the runs like crazy. Believe it or not, I’ve slept on and off for 15 to 16 hours since early in the morning. That’s how exhausted I ended up getting. Both of us regret not getting the allergy testing done sooner. No matter what my schedule is, you damn well better believe I’m going to make this appointment on the 28th of next month!

I need help or to end my life if I can’t get that help. Something’s got to give. I’ve either got to get better or get out of this world because I’m tired of being robbed of living and enjoying life. There’s so much I want to do that I just can’t do because of the constant exhaustion from the regular sleep disturbances. There’s also a sleep dentist here in town that we’re going to contact, but with my shit luck, we’ll have to travel a bit to get a mouthguard.

Oh, my fucking god. All I want to do is write right now that I finally have a little bit of energy to do it, and my health issues won’t even let me do that much without interfering. I thought I was done with the runs, but I just had another round. I swear something out there does not want me living my life. There’s so much I could be doing that I just don’t have the energy for anymore.

It was really sweet of Tom to offer to take over the cleaning on the days I don’t have the energy, but if I’m going to be that disabled, I would really rather just not exist. I’m just so, so fucking tired of suffering. My brain and body are at their wits' end. My body is exhausted, and my brain can’t think straight. I’m 60, and I have been suffering for 12 years now. I can’t take it anymore and living like a disabled person.

So once I see that the doctors can’t help no matter what they do and I’m still not able to sleep, it’s time to go. I didn’t want it to end this way. I wanted to stay alive as long as he did, but I can’t put myself through another 15+ years of hell. I just can’t do it. Besides, what’s to say there wouldn’t be something else if I could suddenly sleep like a log? I only went into a whole new problem once the anxiety lifted. Clearly, I was meant to suffer. There’s no getting around it, especially when it comes to my sleep. I’m never going to sleep normally again.

I can no longer go to the beach, clean consistently, cook consistently, use my door exerciser consistently, take outdoor walks consistently, and I haven’t been able to hit the road for two days now. My book that would have been done by now is still sitting unfinished, along with the drawers and closets I’ve been wanting to organize for months. I’m just not getting anything done. If I’m not going to be allowed to live, be productive, and feel human, then fuck it.

I don’t know what, if anything, may lie beyond after I die, but I feel like I’m fighting back and not giving in to whatever’s cursing me by ending my life. It can’t pick on me anymore if I just say fuck it, I’m not going to live if I’m not going to be able to actually live my life. I’m living as if I’m a disabled person, and it isn’t fair to me, and it isn’t fair for my husband to have to deal with it when he could be enjoying his retirement and living his best life. Instead, he has to stop and care for his disabled wife and fill in for some of the things she can no longer do. That’s no way to live.

I just can’t break free of this endless sleep curse. I get two to three good days, and then it’s right back to the same old shit, setting me back all over again. What’s the point of living if I can’t actually live?

To top it off, the refrigerator is definitely broken, but here’s the thing. Instead of shelling out over half a grand right now, he got a $200 freezer that can go in the laundry room once we get the new refrigerator. This way, we can take our time and get what we really want. I would love to have a smart refrigerator. The freezer is rated to go in garages and can withstand temperature changes and hold food longer during power failures.

Meanwhile, the refrigerator isn't 100% broken. It’s just too warm on both sides, but the freezer side is in the 40s, which is ideal for refrigerated stuff, so he moved the refrigerator stuff into the freezer. We still lost about 60 bucks’ worth of food, which really sucks. In the end, this may be a good thing, though, because we get what we want and won’t have to deal with that clunky refrigerator door that I’m sure he’s now glad he never bothered to fix. The only good in it is the dispenser.

This will make half of the major appliances replaced. As I told him, if the washer breaks, we’ll get a portable one we can set up in the tub in the second bath. If the dryer breaks, we’ll hang stuff in here. If the dishwasher breaks, I’ll just do dishes by hand. The only thing we’ll have to replace is the stove.

I wish I could switch to all processed foods and just use the microwave because of my lack of energy, but that would make me feel even shittier and drive my blood pressure through the roof. I actually like to cook these days, and I need some real food. Some real home-cooked meals.

 Last night’s wake-up call was my mask shifting a bit and hissing. I think I opened my mouth at one point, too. No gassy tummies, chipmunks, or nightmares, though. I returned the pressure from 7.6 back to 7. That seems to be my sweet spot. That's half of what I need, but better than nothing.

I’m working on finding a way to sleep elevated enough without feeling uncomfortable. It’s a good thing my nose didn’t close up on me last night, because the second pillow slipped off the bed, and I ended up lying flat. I was even on my stomach at one point. I’m now trying the CPAP pillow on top of the stomach-sleeping pillow. Plus, I’ve got a couple of cheap pillows coming from Walmart tomorrow. I may eventually try a wedge air pillow that I can adjust the softness of. I’m making a point of using the neti thing before bed, too.

Anyway, I replaced my old frame since it was getting worn out, and hopefully this one will be more secure, since technically it’s not the mask that shifts, but the frame.

I began feeling a little better last night, and I’m not too bad today, even though I started off pretty tired. But again, even good days aren’t exactly good. It’s not like I could jog around the block or anything. Missing my healthier times! I’d love for my worst problem to be Molly pissing the shit out of me so badly I wish I could reach through the computer and throttle her. The only things I don’t miss from the past are the freeloaders and him working. I miss sleeping normally, having energy, Tink, and Aly. Unless the afterlife is a bazillion times better—if there is one—Aly’s death wasn’t just a punishment on her, but on me too.

If it weren’t for the large Temu order we have planned and other little things to look forward to, life would be even harder. Tomorrow I’m getting a white rose and peach-scented candle.

Managed to get a little cleaning done while I can, and I’m going to get back on my with my book. I’ve given up on Amazon, though, because there’s just no money there. It’s always been way too black-and-white a thing: you’re either well-known and make money, or you’re nobody and make nothing.

I love our new freezer, even though it annoys me a bit when it blacks out my monitor for a few seconds as it does when it kicks on. But I'm not on this computer often. I'm amazed by how quiet it is, too. Again, they make everything indoors quieter, while everything outdoors gets louder.

 We've replaced the AC, we've replaced the dishwasher, and we might have to replace the refrigerator. What will be next? The stove? The washer? The dryer?

As I've said before, the people before us were filthy and didn't take care of things properly. The wires and coils were caked with dust. He pulled it out and cleaned behind it as best he could, and the air does seem to be flowing better, but we don't know if it's enough to get us out of having to buy a new fridge.

I feared this would happen and I just knew it would. It just seemed like it was time for another major appliance to go out. If this really is crapping out, that will be half of the appliances replaced.

To further frustrate me, this happens as I'm rolling on to nights while he's having to stay up later to work on it and check on it, cutting into my alone time. I don't have the energy to do anything productive tonight, but still, everyone needs space every now and then. Well, everyone except for him.

You don't realize just how much you go in and out of your refrigerator and freezer until you can't. We're trying to stay out to get it back to a normal temperature. It's dropping, but slowly. But really, sometimes we're both climbing over each other in the kitchen preparing meals that I almost wish we had two kitchens.

Anyway, I feel like absolute shit. The oral mask is a bust after all. I figured it was too good to be true. Last night was a disaster. I only managed to sleep 1.5 hours with it. So much for saying the drool was no big deal because it started hissing me awake as it built up in the mask. Then the damn hose started shuddering. So I broke the connection and drool goes flying everywhere. I then grabbed the nasal mask and couldn't breathe and was so fed up I wanted to kill myself right then and there.

I really, really did, and I still see that happening eventually because I just don't see this ever getting resolved. I would have loved to stay alive as long as he lives, but I have no life. I'm simply alive and existing, but I'm not living. I can't even clean reliably and consistently anymore or work out or do much of anything on a regular basis—that's how tired I am so much of the time. I am so fed up, and I am feeling myself being pushed closer and closer to death. Is that what something up there wants? But I thought it wanted me to live to suffer. That's the feeling I was getting anyway. But if this keeps up much longer, I'm done.

I told the bot that I'd only slept six hours one night and then five and a half the next, and how broken up my sleep was last night, and it said I absolutely should be tired and that it usually takes two to three good sleeps to pay off a sleep debt. But that's just the thing right there that convinces me even more that I'm cursed; I haven't been able to get more than two or three consecutive decent enough sleep in years. As soon as I start getting my energy back and functioning again and thinking more clearly, I get set back. It's like something wants to torture me but not kill me.

I wonder how it will feel when I finally kill myself because, really, I've had enough! I can't keep going on like this for the rest of my life. I'm going to stick around long enough to see what the ENT says, but I still don't think there's anything he can do for my allergies. Just tell me what I'm allergic to. Even Tom has to sleep elevated at times, and he has normal nasal valves. So the fact that he's stuffy at times with a normal nose is discouraging. Yes, nasal valve surgery may help me, but only to a degree.

Anyway, and like I was saying, I really wanted to kill myself yesterday. I told Tom to get out of the house, but he reminded me that we had groceries coming. So I put the damn charcoal back, and he set up my large wedge pillow, and although I didn't sleep straight through like I used to before my mid-40s or so, I was able to sleep with just a nose strip. I didn't even bother with the CPAP. As he said, sometimes it's best to just start all over again from scratch.

I do still have sleep apnea, and that still needs to be addressed, but I can't stay on a CPAP. I'm swallowing too much air and "chipmunking" with nasal masks, and I cannot tolerate full face or oral masks. I've got to get a mouthguard somehow, someway. Tomorrow, we're going to make me a new boil-and-bite guard, even if it's not as good. I still have the kit I got a while back and another tray to create a new one with. I've had my teeth worked on since the last one was made, and teeth do shift over time. I really wish my sleep apnea were bad enough to qualify for the Inspire! I'm desperate enough to take a chance on that now.

But yeah, I definitely do have sleep apnea. I think I always had the setting with the way my throat and tongue are, but once I got fat and old, that pushed it over the edge. Sadly, the new weight loss pill that's likely coming out is only going to be for the rich who can pay out of pocket, so the weight isn't going anywhere. I'm also never going to get any younger, so I feel really screwed either way.

I thought about it and realized that, yeah, I definitely do have sleep apnea, and it's not all on my allergies and nasal valve issues. After all, my lungs were tight as fuck after gallbladder surgery, and they certainly weren't making me breathe through my nose during surgery. It's just so fucking frustrating and depressing because it is literally robbing me of my life.

Suzanne shared a meme that really resonated with me. I guess she's got chronic pain. It mentioned missing your younger self and not being able to do the things you used to do. You hope you can get back to your old self, but you never do, and eventually, you realize you never will. That's exactly how I feel. As a psychic, I totally believe without a doubt that there's no going back. I'm rarely wrong when it comes to my health. I just didn't think my health would get so bad until I was well into my seventies.

I'm also sick of the homeowners' trap. Of the four places we've owned since we've been together, the one place I actually wanted to stay in, we lost. Every other place has taken us years to escape, but this one is not escapable. We simply don't have the money we used to have and couldn't get more than 30 or 40 grand for this place. We would need at least twice that much to pull off a move. So unless we wanted some dumpy apartment in Mississippi or Alabama, which we certainly don't, this is our forever home. If I choose to live to continue suffering, and unless we ever have to go into assisted living, this is it.

The question is whether or not sleeping elevated will continue to work for me. I hate the idea of having to sleep elevated for the rest of my life because we can't get out of here, but I don't see any other choice. Sleeping on my stomach is no longer an option, and I can't sleep on my back, or else I snore. We'll see if the boil-and-bite will stop that if I can put up with the jaw pain. Again, I don't even know if elevation will continue to work, although Tom insists it really does work. Yeah, but just because it worked one night doesn't mean it will always work—for me, anyway. If I'm as right as I sure seem to be about being cursed in the sleep department, it will get around that, too.

It took me nearly two hours to fall back asleep after the oral mask disaster. Once I fell back asleep, elevated and with half a Clonazepam in me, I slept 6.5 hours. It wasn't solidly, of course. I snored one time when I flopped onto my back, my hip hurt a little because of the way my lower back is curved when lying on my side, which is the only position I can lie in at this point, and I can't swear to it, but I thought my tummy was gassy, and a thump woke me up. There were probably other things I don't remember as well.

Meanwhile, I shuffled Alexa, the portable sound machine, and other things around because the higher wedge pillow blocked it the way it was before. Because I can't reach my headboard shelves with the wedge, I want to eventually get one of those rolling trays like hospitals use.

Decided not to bother with the candle test now that I'm going to sleep elevated. Besides, I don't think that affects me. If incense didn't fuck up my nose, why would candles? It's the climate and my environment. As I said, he's not prone to allergies at all, yet he gets a stuffy nose.

Although numerous reports have sworn that I'm not just some rare wimp and that chronic sleep disturbances really do get harder to handle with age, I still have to wonder how others my age and older with fragmented sleep can function. Even Tom gets up two to three times each night to pee, yet he doesn't have such heavy fatigue. Then again, he also doesn't have sleep apnea, CF, or a bad thyroid, so I'm sure it's multiple things ganging up on me.

Anyway, I don't know if the ENT can do anything about my allergies, or if I can get nasal valve surgery, if it would help if I did, or even if I can get a mouthguard. I also don't know if I should see a sleep disorder doctor, even though I don't know that they could help me either.

The future looks so bleak and frustrating. Everything is so uncertain, and that really rattles me. I'm feeling more and more like life just isn't worth living. If I'm going to suffer and feel too shitty to really do things most of the time, then what's the point? As I've said a million times, I never would have hung on this long if it weren't for him. I'm tired of being forced to lie around in bed, wishing I could do the basic everyday things most people take for granted. I struggle just to clean, cook, and exercise. It sucks to have to be in bed when I could be taking care of the house more consistently and easily, and doing more things I enjoy doing. My book would have been done by now if it weren't for the constant sleep issues draining the life out of me.

I'm never going to beat this curse, so I just want to say fuck it and close my eyes forever before this really catches up to me and causes a stroke or a heart attack that leaves me even more debilitated than I already am. I know whatever is cursing me would never kill me because then I couldn't live to suffer, but it could certainly keep the misery going and make it even worse.

 I feel like absolute shit. Before I get into that, I would be pretty frustrated if I had energy and felt good and was eager to get back on with my book, because he’s up later than usual. He tends to stay up later when I’m crashing around midnight, give or take a few hours. I hope we’re not on the verge of needing to replace the refrigerator. Yeah, that’s why he’s up later tonight.

The people before us were not only filthy, but they didn’t take care of things well. Ice built up on the coils and wires, so he had to move stuff into the refrigerator after picking up some ice on the way back from his eye appointment to keep it as cold as possible, and then pull off panels in the freezer to melt ice with a hair dryer. It can take 24 hours to get back to the normal temperature, so we’re hoping it will and that we won’t have to lose half a grand to a new refrigerator. You can get one as low as $300, but that doesn’t cover the cost of having it delivered and the old one hauled out.

Anyway, he’s going to be getting progressive and reading glasses. His doctor tried to bullshit him by claiming he had 20/20 vision, but he’s not quite there. Oh, his vision is a million times better than mine, but it’s not perfect. The doctor did admit, though, that as he continues to age, it’s going to worsen. He also may notice cloudy vision in a few years, in which case they’ll have to laser it out, which only takes a minute. I guess that has to do with the buildup of scar tissue or something.

So I got to enjoy another positively shitty night of sleep. I thought CPAPs were supposed to prevent snoring! Then again, with a pressure setting as low as I’ve had, I suppose it’s possible. I woke up a few times because I actually started to snore. Not snort, but snore. So I guess age or weight or both of them have caught up to me for sure. I’ll never lose significant weight or get any younger, though, so I’m pretty screwed either way.

Just like yesterday, I wasn’t able to sleep long enough despite being tired. Then I went and made things worse by taking Benadryl so I could nap. I did nap for a couple of hours, but I awoke groggy as fuck. Since I can’t use the nasal mask anymore, I reset the pressure back to the standard 4 to 20. It usually ramps up to around 10, which is average. The good thing is that I can handle the pressure with the oral mask, even though it sure makes my lips feel a bit stretched and puts a little pressure on my teeth. It’s definitely not the most comfortable mask, and the quick-release magnet is very quite heavy. You don’t notice it with the top hose, but you sure do with this setup.

Sleeping on my stomach is no longer an option for me because the thing sticks out further and the hose is stiffer. I’ve had to coil the hose on the pillow above my head because of the stiffness and weight to keep it from feeling like something's tugging at it, and sometimes this causes the hose to kink. I’m going to miss the nasal mask. Better yet, I miss the days when I could sleep with nothing on my nose or in my mouth!

I still really, truly believe without a doubt that my sleep is cursed, and that something doesn’t want me sleeping and having decent energy most of the time. I don’t know what could possibly hate me so much that it would do this to me. Am I really that bad of a person? Seriously, just what did I ever do to anyone to deserve to suffer so much for so long? First I endure 8 years of kickass anxiety, and now this, which is getting worse by the year.

It may not be quite as shitty a feeling as anxiety, but it’s still shitty enough, and it’s very debilitating. It’s not easy, but you can still function to a degree when you’re anxious. When you’re utterly batshit exhausted from sleep disturbances and not getting enough hours of sleep, it’s incredibly hard to function. I've gone from being woken up a few times a week to a few times a day.

At one point while I was up and down, I noticed a spittle of water hitting my face and realized it was because the little piece of foam in the elbow part of the tube got wet when I was rinsing the mask. So I took it out, but then it hissed pretty badly, so I put it back in. I’m guessing it’s probably a drool catcher. The drool hasn’t been as much of an issue as I thought it would be. It doesn’t leak out the sides of the mask and down my chin and cheeks like I thought it would.

Even though I can handle the normal pressure range with the oral mask, that doesn’t eliminate whatever is cursing my sleep in the first place. There’s no guarantee the increased pressure will stop me from snoring. It’s not a snore like a regular person without a CPAP, but it’s still enough to wake me up, as light a sleeper as I am. This still leaves a whole host of other things that whatever’s cursing my sleep can use against me, from nightmares to tummy issues to simply waking up for no reason. The hose and mask can still hiss at times, too.

I think the reason my sleep has been getting a little fragmented, and I’ve been having a little trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, is the same reason my weight is down a bit, and that’s that my TSH may be dropping. I skipped the gummies today. I swear B12 seems to influence it more than vitamin D and selenium. I’m not going to make any more levo skips, though, with labs being next month.

I’ve also noticed that my hair feels thicker and is growing faster. Plus, I woke up hot even though it’s been cool in here. I don’t know for sure that it’s connected to my TSH, but it seems reasonable enough.

With my allergies getting worse, we decided to do a candle experiment. Personally, I think it’s more on the nasal valves closing than allergies, but since candles do have some allergens, I’m going to use only the lamp warmers for the next week to see if it makes a difference. We both don’t think it will, since I burned incense for so many years and that’s certainly worse than candles, but the only way to know for sure is to experiment. So no flames for a week. Worst-case scenario, I switch to wax cubes. I kind of liked watching the wax in the candle jars go down, and it was certainly easier than dumping old wax, but I’ll do what’s best for me.

I just hope to hell that after 6 hours of sleep yesterday and 5.5 hours today—not counting the nap—I can resume my usual 7 to 8 hours. Nine hours of good, solid sleep would be a blessing tonight, but of course I won’t get that. Even if I don’t snore or anything related to the CPAP wakes me up, there will be something. There always is. Always.

 In many cases, depending on what it is, I'm a three-strikes-you’re-out kind of person. Today I received the third complaint, which doesn’t surprise me in the least, from the AI job requester I love. Below is what I told them.

Okay, I've officially had enough of these complaints, and I'm not going to bother working for you anymore. If you know what you want, why don't you just pick it yourself? And why ask people's opinions if you don't like their answers?

It's so true, and I'm going to miss doing their jobs, but why wait until they fire me, which is only inevitable. Tom is going to give them a try sometime.

The magnetic quick-release for the oral mask came today. I can switch back and forth easily enough between the nasal mask and the mouth mask, but I don't see myself using the nasal mask again unless my nose issues are resolved. Twice, as I was drifting off, I suffocated awake, so I said fuck it and got up and switched to the oral mask. Managed to sleep with it throughout the entire night. No, it's not as comfy. It's not a top-hose, and I can't talk to Alexa with it or take a sip of water, but if it's going to help, so be it.

I still say my sleep is cursed, and therefore, I'm not going to be able to know just how much my thyroid is affecting my energy or how likely I am to have CF if I'm exhausted all the time from constant sleep disturbances. I'm not sure if I dreamed tummy gas woke me up or if it really did. Also, the mask popped out on one side of my mouth at one point. I'm not sure if I woke up during both of these instances, or if I happened to wake up and then realized it was poking out the side. That much is my fault because I had to take the mask out to take clonazepam, and I didn't dry the thing after I rinsed it of spit. This caused it to slip more easily.

I bumped the humidity level up from 4 to 7, and the mouth spray helps. Doubt I’ll ever be able to sleep without the nose clips, although that's no big deal. It's just that I would probably revert to breathing through my nose without realizing it.

I actually slept OK for the most part, but didn't sleep long enough. I got the lower end of the recommended amount of time for REM and deep sleep (90 mins), but I only slept for 6 hours. I'm not sure why I got up too soon, but this sometimes happens after I'm up for 18 hours, as I was the night before. I don't know if I just woke up or if something woke me up. I know I had to pee, but after I got back into bed, I was unable to fall back asleep despite being exhausted.

I've been pretty damn tired all day and am still having trouble cramming acceptance down my throat that this is my life now. This is never going to get resolved. Ever. Whatever is cursing my sleep will just do something else if I fix this or that. Either way, the tentative plan is to stick with the oral mask until and if my nose can be fixed. If it ever is, I will revert to the nasal mask while aiming for a mouth guard or Inspire. The mouth guard and Inspire won't do me any good if I can't breathe through my nose.

I just thank God for this oral mask! Otherwise, I would have to take that horrible hybrid with the very uncomfortable frame/harness and its shitty seal, pinch my nose shut so I didn't try to breathe through it, and hope for the best. AI is literally saving my life (I discovered it through that). Really wish I had it when I was going through the worst of the perimenopause and the Levo terror.

The thing is, I don't know if I want to be saved if I'm going to continue to feel so shitty. I try to tell myself, so what if I don't have energy? I wouldn't have money to use it in any real way, anyway, so why not be tired? Well, because no one wants to feel yucky all day, that's why.

So the first of the Honker's yearly visitors has arrived. From the looks of it, it's the single daughter. So here goes the motorcycle, because she's going to spend plenty of time off by herself in his truck. Be nice if some of these people could skip a year, but of course they won't.

We've been having connection issues, especially with my bedroom computer, which is the furthest away from the router. So he ordered something that we hope will help. I still think part of the problem is Frontier. They're horrible compared to Spectrum.

Began using the LED tooth-whitening kit. I noticed a difference after the first treatment, but none between the first and second treatments.