I have been insanely exhausted today. I thought I slept a little bit better, but that's not what my brain and body think. That's okay, I still slept badly enough. I started off inclined, using the smaller wedge pillow. First I had a mouth fart, probably because my head was positioned in a way where it's easier for my jaw to slacken. Then it was off to have yet another nightmare. I'll get to that one in a minute.

So finally I said, well, if I'm not going to be allowed to sleep anyway, why not get comfortable? So I lay back down flat. Woke up a few times after that and had trouble falling back asleep after getting up to pee. This is just ridiculous. Utterly batshit fucking ridiculous. All these months of CPAP therapy and I'm still exhausted. I don't doubt for a minute, though, that a good deal of it is connected to my nasal valve and allergy issues. That and the fact that even though this may be the most comfortable mask, it's not right for me. I would be much better off with a mouthguard or the Inspire if I ever qualified for it, rather than a CPAP. The problem is I can't use either of these devices if I can't breathe. I swear that if this isn't resolved in 2026, I'm out of this world. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life exhausted, brain foggy, and wishing I could do so many of the things I used to do. I shouldn't be this debilitated until I'm well into my 70s or 80s. Sleep is almost as important as oxygen. Without it, you pretty much don't have a life.

I've got to make myself get used to the oral mask. Tried it again last night but was uncomfortable. It would be so nice if I could use it until and if I could get my nose fixed somehow. Then I would go back to the nasal mask. We ordered a quick-release magnet like the other mask has. I'll have to move the CPAP onto the headboard shelf because it's not comfortable with the hose dangling over the edge of the bed. With the other harness, it doesn't matter, but with this one, I feel the pressure pulling on it awkwardly.

The spray I got for my mouth should help with the dryness but that's the least of my concerns. The biggest discomfort is all the fucking drool. The air pressure makes your cheeks balloon out, almost like you're blowing up a balloon, and creates these bowls for spit to build up in, and I swear my back upper saliva glands run like a leaky faucet!

Ironically enough, though, I noticed that after a few times I lay down with the oral mask for about 15 to 30 minutes without sleeping, but just to get used to it, it seemed to give me a burst of energy. Coincidence or a connection? I asked the bot and it doesn't seem to be a coincidence. So until I get the quick release in a couple of days, when I wake up batshit tired tomorrow, I'll have to remember to wear it for a while. I don't want to attempt to sleep with the mouth mask till I get the quick release because it would be such a pain in the ass when I have to get up to pee.

Feeling just as desperate as I am hopeless, and not wanting to wait any longer since switching insurance plans would mean having to see my new primary care first and then request a referral and then reschedule my ENT, which would delay the appointment another 3 to 6 months, we decided to just stick with Ambetter. I like their rewards program. Instead of Ambetter Silver, though, it will be Clarity Silver. We did a price comparison and there really isn't that much difference. Especially since there's no one in this area who does mouthguards for sleep apnea. No matter what plan we have, we would have to go down to the Tampa or Clearwater area. This way, I can see the ENT at the end of next month and stick with Rhonda, someone who knows me and who believes me when I tell her that levothyroxine can make me anxious.

It's not nearly as good as Galileo, but as long as we're low-income, I'm never going to be able to have them or anyone like them. They require PPOs, and I have an HMO. It's all we can afford. Either way, I'm determined to get used to the mouth mask until I can go back to the nasal mask, if that's ever possible, but the end goal is to ultimately hope for a breathable nose and a mouthguard if I can't get the Inspire. I just want to sleep again! That still leaves the nightmares and other sleep disturbances, but if I can get rid of the chipmunks, snorts, and allergies, that would really help.

So that's why, for now, I'm determined to try to get used to the mouth mask. If I can, that stamps out chipmunks, snorts, and stuffy noses. It will also allow Tom to eat whatever he wants whenever he wants. I'm such a light sleeper that he can't even cook anything that has a strong smell to it or else it will wake me up.

So the nightmare. I don't know why I keep having these things, as they've got nothing to do with what's going on in our lives. It took place in my first childhood home. I was in one of the back bedrooms and the window was open because it was summertime. Suddenly, I heard voices and wondered where they were coming from. I turned off the light and looked out into the backyard. I saw three figures chatting and looking at the house. I knew they were there to seek revenge of some kind. Tom was asleep in what was my parents' bedroom. I ran in there and woke him up as I reached for the landline phone sitting on the nightstand, telling him we had to call the police because people were in the backyard. I snatched up the phone, but before I could dial, he reached over and put his hand over the receiver, cutting off the call. Right as I was about to let him have it for that, the dream ended. I swear every fucking week I have a nightmare.

I got a new phone case with pretty flowers on it but I'm not sure I'm going to like it. I got it because the ring popped off the last one I got. Well, Tom got it for me. The ring is so much larger that it's a little awkward. It will take some getting used to.

Colleen's back to visiting on the bright green golf cart and I'm even more confused than ever. Does she have two golf carts? I just don't get it or how she's okay with being with someone for only half a year, either, but if she's got another guy as she appears to have, then I guess it doesn't matter. I wonder if he's seeing others up in Canada when he's up there. Probably. He may not be very nice, but as Irma said, he's kind of good-looking. At the same time, he looks huge, mean, and intimidating, but I would never let that stop me from doing whatever I had to do if he tangled with me. This isn't the ’90s. You don't get to just do whatever you want and walk away.

But people sure love to walk away overall. I don't mean just instant ghosting, but they slowly fade away over time. Logically, and as AI confirmed, I know it's not necessarily on me or anything I did wrong, but sometimes I still wonder if it's something I said, etc. So many people have started off communicative or at least a little communicative, only to slowly dwindle to complete silence. I don't get it. Do they just get sick of me, is it something I'm doing wrong, or is it really on them? Perhaps it's a mix of everything, but I'm not going to let it stop me from being who I am. I'd rather lose people by being myself than keep people around by being phony. It shows me someone's true colors too, because you know that those who truly care will stick by you.

The problem is that those who want to stick by me aren't the ones I want sticking by me, like Andy. They're either mental cases or they want something from me if they're that loyal, although Kathy isn't either of those, and neither is Christine or Mitch, and they're still around. But I can think of so many people who have either suddenly or slowly faded out of my life for no apparent reason and with no explanation whatsoever. Even the Honker did a slow fade before he deleted me. God, the list is long… Maliheh, Arteaga, Julie, Adonis, Irene, Eileen, and so many others I've met both on and offline. Irene did wish me a happy birthday, though. I'm not even hearing much from Becky and Jessie.

NOTE: Previous post explains this more.