Where I felt great yesterday, now I’m back to normal. Meaning, I’m batshit exhausted, and I feel like I’m forced to be this disabled person stuck in bed when I could be up and about doing things. They didn’t add the rest of the windows; I just kept waking up, and at one point, I was struggling to breathe. Yes, I was on my stomach, and no, I didn’t take an antihistamine. I used the neti thing, and that was it.

Next time around, I will be elevated in a more comfortable way, and will take Zyrtec. I just hope I’m elevated enough. I got a couple of cheap soft pillows that elevate me more gently and more comfortably without putting strain on my neck or spine. The only potential issue with this is that, because it kind of envelops part of my head being so soft, it can block some of the vent holes on the mask and cause a hissing or whistling sound.

Anyway, it’s another brain-dead, exhausting day, and now I have the added stress of wondering when the hell they’re going to finish the window replacements an arm’s length away from the bedroom. It could also thunder tomorrow, and I'm still mostly on nights.

Tom tells me he knows he’s right when he says the doctors will help me and that this matter will be resolved, but seeing is believing for me. I don’t believe anything until and if it happens.

I would love to resolve this so I can finally move on to whatever my next long-time struggle will be, but I just don’t see it because I’ve got the triple whammy of allergies on top of nasal valves on top of fragmented sleep. While surgery could fix my nose, I just don’t see what medication I can take to address the allergies and the frags so I can finally sleep well enough to reclaim my life.

I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life like this. If I’m not going to be able to live my life, then I don’t want my life. I still would have much rather preferred to live as long as he does, but I can’t hold out for him if all I’m going to do is suffer. I feel like shit nearly every day, and I can’t even think straight. Life has become so hard for me, and I really do feel like I’m this disabled person I normally wouldn’t be if I could just sleep.

Another problem is that if I’m fixable, how long would it take? I had to fight for the better part of a year to get back on the CPAP. I just wish I could know if I’m fixable and how long it would take, because there’s no point in living if it’s as hopeless as I feel. I wish I could believe Tom. As I told him, that’s the one and only thing I miss about being a kid—that you believed everything you were told. If I were in this situation as a kid, my parents would tell me it would be okay, and I would believe it, and that right there would help make things easier and get me through my ordeal.

But I’m all grown up now and smart enough to know there are no guarantees. I remind myself that I’m going to have to kill myself someday, no matter what. If it isn’t soon because I can’t sleep, then eventually it will be when he dies. I’m simply not meant to die a natural death, as much as I would prefer to, even if it may be a lot more unpleasant than what I have planned. I just can’t let myself suffer for much longer and keep putting myself through hell.

If there’s anything up there, it clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, and it’s not about to help me. So the “God helps those who help themselves” line is nothing but pure bullshit. For now, all I can do is try to sleep elevated, even if it’s not as comfortable for me, and hope that’s enough until I can find out what the ENT says next month.

I feel like a criminal who has been convicted and is now awaiting sentencing to find out if she’s going to get life or death. But I’m simply not going to die of a heart attack. I’m not going to die of a stroke. I’m not going to get cancer and die. I’m not going to get killed in a car accident. I’m not going to get a deadly virus.

Rhonda’s staff continues to frustrate me, although I would love for them to be the worst of my problems in life. Oh, what wonderful problems I used to have that I thought were such crises!

Once I got my ultrasound results, I messaged them on the portal telling them I got the results and they don’t need to call. So he called for me due to my schedule after they left a message and got an answering service saying to use the portal. Then I finally got a reply to my message telling them I was on nights and asking if they could tell me what it was about there, saying that yes, it was just about the ultrasound. The ultrasound I already told them I saw the results of, and told them there was no need to call me for. Do they want to do the opposite of what I ask them? Sure seems that way. Again, why ask patients on initial forms what their preferred method of contact is and ask if it's OK to leave messages if you're not going to honor their requests?

With our next Walmart order, I’m going to get a couple of spray bottles and make bathroom sprays out of leftover essential oils. Some of them I’m placing open on the warmer, but I have to be careful not to let them get hot enough to reach their flash points.

I spotted something weird on the bathroom floor and picked it up, hoping it was bedding. After close inspection, I decided it wasn’t, and dropped it into the toilet. But then I spotted something else on the pink bath mat. It was definitely bedding. No doubt about it. I burst into tears, holding it in my hand, silently thanking Tink if it was, God forbid, a real sign. I swear I vacuumed that mat once or twice since her passing!

Instead of being pissed that I may have to die to keep from feeling like shit and miss out on shopping and renovating, I’m now racking my brain trying to guess what that piece of bedding could be all about. Was it embedded deep down and somehow didn’t get sucked up by the vacuum? Did I track it in from another room, even though those rooms have been vacuumed too? Or could it really, truly, actually be a sign?

After I found it, I raked my fingers through the bath mat and even picked it up and shook it out. If anything else appears, it absolutely should not be there. Would sure love to find another piece that absolutely should not be there, though! I’ve been wishing and hoping, but this is the first thing I’ve spotted since shortly after she died.

A new challenge came out yesterday with just three rides that total about 60 miles—two in the SE and one up in northern Alaska. I don’t think I’m going to have the energy to ride today, but hey, I’m no longer able to do nano/newno, so sooner or later, I figure I’m no longer going to be able to complete challenges either. ChatGPT insists that although it won't be quick and easy, there is real hope for me. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.