OMG, I'm so pissed at Rhonda! She's basically brushed me off and wants me to see an endo. This really fucking sucks because it takes months to get into one! I don't understand why she can't just slowly raise my dose, as she mentioned in the clinical notes after our last appointment. I don't have a problem with seeing an endo as long as I'm not going to get a denier or be told to do something ludicrous or not right for my own personal, individual body, but I don't like being dismissed either. I feel like she's being a lazy coward, taking the easy way out. It's like her comfort matters more than my suffering, even if I'm not suffering in a horrible way like when I was suffocating awake or when I was overmedicated. 

Just when I had left her a raving review and told myself to relax because I was in good hands with someone who is understanding and patient and willing to work with me. Well, what a fucking joke! 

She said to let her know if I need a referral mailed to me or faxed to the doctor she recommended. There’s a group of endos that has three different locations, and one is in town. My weight is now up to 164.7. How much more do I have to gain before I can get help? How much more hair do I have to lose? And how do I know I can get help if the endo is just going to deny that levo can make you anxious? How is that helping me or any other patient if you're just going to deny the problem? Fucking bitch! Not only is she brushing me off, but she didn't refill the clonazepam I asked her to refill. 

I want to wait until I talk to Tom before I message her again. I hope my CAC score is through the roof so I can just not treat it and just let a stroke or heart attack take me out so I don't have to play health and meds games anymore! I am so fucking sick of this shit! But I'm sure my score won't be that alarming. Mild to lower moderate would be my guess. But damn that fucking bitch to hell and back. When I call to ask them to either mail or fax the referral and call in my fucking clonazepam, I'll have to ask if she still wants me to go to the lab and keep our virtual appointment. Not sure there's any point in keeping it at this point if she's not going to help me. Might as well wait until my next scheduled physical early next year, assuming I'm still with her.

Just went and looked at the clinical notes again, which say, “Repeat thyroid panel at Quest in 6 weeks; no fasting required. - If TSH remains elevated on repeat testing, consider a small dose increase by taking 1.5 tablets once weekly rather than increasing the daily dose, as pt is not comfortable increasing daily dose and declines referral to endocrinologist as she reports on past visits that she has seen multiple and does not want to follow their treatment regimen. - Follow up by virtual visit in 6 weeks to review labs.” 

OK. So let me get this straight… she was willing to slowly increase my dose then, but now she's not? The reason for me not liking endos isn't quite right either. I never even discussed with her why I don't like endos. Her assumption is only partially true. The main reason is that they either don't believe me or want me to do ridiculous things. She makes it sound like they want me to do something totally reasonable for my individual body, and I refuse just for fun. Argh! I hope she slips in a puddle next time it rains, that she wakes up having to pee a dozen times for a week, and that she coughs like crazy every time she goes to open her contradicting mouth. 

If any of these endos are willing to acknowledge my problem, work with me, and accept a wide range of plans, then who I see for primary doesn't matter as much. I'm just really pissed off at the bitch, and I hope she hallucinates mountain lions chasing her. I hope everything she eats tastes like sewage. I hope bears chase her in every single fucking dream.

What if I get into an endo this year and then next year the only affordable plan is one they don't take? So fucking sick of this shit. Now we have to add another appointment, spend two more hours playing the paperwork game, just to be told to either get Synthroid from this one and only place online that costs a fortune or that this shit can't possibly make me anxious. Meanwhile, who's going to give me the actual help I need?

After I finish my starchy and processed stuff, I'll live on fish and salad until I can get into an endo, oh, say, somewhere between November and April, so that maybe I can stay out of the 170s before I get there. I'm just so pissed off at that contradicting bitch right now. I hope her clothes fall off in public! May someone hit her car while it's parked somewhere, put a dent in it, and take off, leaving her to have to pay for it. May a hoodlum spray-paint her house in the middle of the night.

Another thing that pisses me off is how, in her note to the nurse that the nurse forwarded to me, she goes, "especially since it's an autoimmune disease." But that's nothing new. She's always known it's an autoimmune disease. I just don't understand why she suddenly has a problem dealing with me.

On top of all this frustration, I fucking snorted myself awake while on my side. I thought CPAPs were supposed to stop that! After my appointment, I'll try increasing the pressure again from 8.8 to 9.0. I'd still like to know how the hell people sleep through their own snorts and snores while I can't.

Later...

I've been going back and forth on whether or not to keep neighborly talk out of public journals and finally decided to do both. It's too much work to hide all the old stuff, and if that was ever part of the Honker's problem with me, he's already seen it. There's nothing anyone can do about it since I haven't said anything illegal, so if he wants to come over here and complain about it or worse, he can do that, and I'll shut him down.

In reality, I'm almost positive none of the neighbors are even aware of any of the platforms I keep my journals on. So while I'm going to keep the old stuff as is, I'll hide future mentions just to piss them off, in case I'm wrong. Then they can have the fun of wondering what the hell I'm saying about them. So I'm going to meet myself halfway, so to speak, and go right in the middle, where I leave past stuff as is, assuming it may or may not have been seen, and go private in the future when it comes to neighbors.

I may dump or abandon LJ because it's too slow and glitchy.

The mowers are here now, and Tom's out donating. He doesn't have an Express Pass anymore, so it's going to take him longer. We talked about Rhonda and decided that, for now, I'm just going to ask her to refill the clonazepam I already asked her to refill and mail me the damn endocrinologist referral. What I'll do after that will depend on how many months it's going to take me to get an appointment. I'm thinking three to six months.

Meanwhile, what the fuck am I supposed to do until then? Continue to gain weight while I freeze my ass off and suffer the fatigue and hair loss? I swear something wants me exhausted! Now that I get my AHI score improved, my TSH gets worse. I just can't keep things balanced.

Tom corrected me on what she was saying about the dose increase. I misunderstood. She was talking about taking one and a half pills once a week. If I'm going to be in for a long wait, I'll ask if I should do that. Besides, depending on when I can get in, I need to see if she still wants me to go to the lab next month or if I should wait and let the new endo send me to the lab. I also need to find out if we should keep our October virtual appointment. I'm just so sick of all this appointment stress! If I could keep a schedule and wasn't tired so much, it wouldn't be that big of a deal, as long as it didn't cost us much, but in my case, it really puts an extra hardship on me.