On the way to the imaging place for my CAC test. Part of me wishes my score would be so bad that I can just let a heart attack or stroke take me out in 5 to 15 years. That way I still live most of the time Tom's got left and don't have to carbon monoxide myself out and risk botching it up. But I know my score won't be that bad. I'm guessing mild to low-moderate range.

Right now I'm just so pissed at Rhonda. Had to request clonazepam for the third time, and this is where I worry about how long it's going to take for them to mail me the endo referral, let alone how long it's going to take to get an appointment. I kind of chewed them out on the portal today about it. I'm cold, tired, losing hair, weak, and up to 167 lb. I worry how much more I'm going to gain before this is resolved. I asked if I should add half a levo a week. Meanwhile, I'm taking selenium supplements every day instead of every other day.

Fuck! One of the tires is out of balance, and the car is wobbling. We don't have money or AAA! Please don't go flat! If I don't make it to my appointment, I'm not rescheduling. This will have been the second attempt to get this test done, so if I don't get it, then maybe I'm just not meant to know the score. Besides, there's nothing I can do about it anyway, as I'm not taking any more meds.

He's going to get the tires rotated at some point, and we have to charge on the way back. We'll be stopping at the nearby BK, too.

Due to my fatigue, I napped yesterday and today. A weird thing happened, and that was that I awoke to find my trusty WoodWick candle had gone out during my nap. I lay down in bed with it lit, not knowing if I was going to fall asleep. But this just isn't the kind of candle that goes out. After I relit it, it was fine. I'd like to think something was kind enough to blow it out for me while I napped, but I'm sure there's a logical explanation for it.

Later...

My visit to the imaging center was short and sweet. The test only took a few minutes. The tech stuck four electrodes on me, and I went through this little tube. Inside the tube, the thing that takes the images spun really fast. I had to hold my breath a few times for a few seconds.

What amazed me is that before we even reached the charger at the government building, my results were on the portal. I'm completely blown away by the results too. My score was zero! I believe 70 to 150 is typical for someone my age, but zero! Wow. Just wow. Only 10 to 20% of women my age score zero. So much for hoping I could die a quick natural death around the time he dies. Yet as a psychic, I've known for a long time now that nothing's going to kill me but me. The only question is when. Will it be when he goes in roughly 15 years, or before that, as other health issues keep hounding the shit out of me? It isn't so much the health issues themselves, but the fatigue they bring. I feel like shit so much of the time. The fatigue from both the thyroid and CF is a real debilitating killer. Today my legs even felt weak, and my heart feels like it's beating too hard. It was in the upper 80s to low 90s on the image and table.

Later...

We're very lucky we made it home! It's not that the tire is off balance, but coming apart. On the way out of the imaging center, he could see the front passenger tire was coming apart. By the time we had charged and picked up our BK breakfast, he looked at it again, and it had noticeably fallen apart even more. Even though it was only a couple of miles away, it was a stressful drive back home, especially with me feeling like shit. Having to walk in heat and humidity is one thing. Having to do it when you don't feel well is another. So I'm glad we made it! I feel a little better now that I've eaten and we made it home.

Heard back from Rhonda's nurse on the portal. Rhonda says she's sorry I'm disappointed with her but still feels, in her professional opinion, that I'm better off having an endo deal with my thyroid since she's just not trained for that. As she pointed out, we've been going around in circles the last year, with it going just under and just over 10. Because my T4 is normal, I guess that's called subclinical hypothyroidism. Nonetheless, she does have a point. Something's going on that keeps fucking with the levels, and I don't know if it's because it's gradually dying or if I'm having absorption issues, as I seem to have been having ever since the cholecystectomy.

My only concern right now, besides having to lose money on two new tires since he wants to replace both front tires, is how long it's going to take to get help with this thyroid shit. The clonazepam was called in, and the endo referral is on its way to me. It's just that I remember the three endos I saw in the past and how they treated me. I worry they're going to deny it can make a person anxious or want me to do something costly and ridiculous in the name of kickbacks.

If my TSH is now in the teens, as I suspect it might be, or even the twenties, it shouldn't kill me over the next few months. I'll just really feel like shit for a while.

Anyway, it adds $50 to the cost to have someone come out and replace the tires here at the house, so he'll have to take a chance and hope he can get someplace close by tomorrow.

Damn this world and its fucking money! The two worst things ever invented in this world are definitely money and religion.