I’m tired today because I didn’t sleep as well as yesterday. Snored myself awake twice, had nightmares, and kept waking up. My first thought was that I needed to call the CPAP people on Monday and get a full-face mask and make it work somehow.

But then I remembered something from yesterday. I sent Andy an audio while I was wearing the thing and commented on how loud it was, even though I didn’t mind. He told me these machines are supposed to be very quiet, so that meant I didn’t have the mask tight enough or the water container wasn’t properly inserted.

I checked to make sure the water container was pushed in all the way, and it was. It’s also filled with the distilled water the guy said to use.

I looked up the ResMed 11 model I have and it said it was one of the quietest machines out there at 27 decibels. But then when I put it on again and pulled up the decibel measuring app I have on my phone, it said it was between 65 and 70 decibels!

I had Tom wear it to see what it was like and sure enough, it was almost dead silent. He said he had no problem exhaling through his nose and that the only negative feeling was that he felt like it made him have to breathe more as if he wasn’t getting enough air, even though he was, of course.

So, thinking I might not have had it on properly, I tried again and got it placed and sealed well enough that it was quiet and I too, could finally exhale from my nose. I didn’t get that cold feeling in my nose I was getting before either, or in my throat. The only time I would hear a little gush of air was if I opened my mouth. My ears no longer popped when I swallowed. So maybe there’s hope after all for this nose mask and an eventual end to these bipolar energy levels.

It’s a good thing I wear my hair up in a bun when I sleep because there are two straps that branch off of a single strap at the sides. You place the lower strap in back of your head and the top one at the crown of the head. The bun in between helps keep them from slipping up or down.

If it does work out, supplies will be sent to me every 1, 3, and 6 months. I know the filter has to be changed once a month, but the hoses are every 6. Nose pillows will come every three months. I still have to clean the nose pillow and add water every day.

I’m now starting to think that sleep apnea is the main culprit after all. It would explain why I didn’t have heavy fatigue when my TSH was elevated in the past, and we now know my heart isn’t causing any of the fatigue.

The guy said you have to score at least a 5 to be considered having sleep apnea and I was a 5.8.

Hopefully, Julie won’t make us miss the light if we have to go back. Yeah, she pulled out in front of us as we were leaving the park and when we got to the light there were a couple of cars in front of her. They went as soon as it turned green but she was sitting playing on her phone and Tom had to honk her back to Earth. She got through the light right before it changed, but to be honest, we were early for my appointment anyway.

If only I could lose weight! I probably always had sleep apnea but it didn’t get to where it affected my sleep and energy levels until I transitioned from perimenopause to menopause and gained more weight. Very unlikely to happen, though, even though I’m keeping active and have begun really watching my portion sizes. If we can ever get my thyroid somewhat under control, I will then ask my doctors about medication. First, we have to find out if the damn gland is really atrophying or if something’s going on that’s preventing the absorption of the levothyroxine. Going to the lab on Tuesday and they are going to test my pee again, too. They said that if there’s still a problem with my WBC, they will recommend a urology-gynecologist. I didn’t know there was any such thing, but I want to wait until we change insurance plans and get something with cheaper copays.

Part of why I slept shitty was that I had a dream that Tom died, but it was after the fact. I was remembering how we were vacationing somewhere when he died, and somehow I managed to get home on my own and carry on with life. It happened in just a few seconds. He started coughing as if he was choking and then suddenly went still and silent. I ran for help and he was pronounced dead right away. I hate it when I have these kinds of dreams. Luckily, bad things don’t befall him after dreams like this as they do me.

The rat has been so cute and funny. Because she’s been dragging pieces of her bedding up to her hammock, she obviously wants to nest. So I shredded up pieces of paper that I threw in her cage and it’s been cute and funny watching her drag the strips of paper up her ramps and pull them into her hammock.

The dishwasher broke again, not surprisingly.

I’m listening to The Bad Wife by Sarah Edghill and I envy one of the characters. I just started it, but it's about a married woman who develops a crush on a doctor. I miss having crushes like that and always having someone on my mind despite being totally devoted to Tom, and how they would inspire story ideas.

One judge after another is clearing the way for Trump to be reelected. Is there no crime this misogynistic, homophobic piece of shit could commit that would get people unobsessed with him?

On the other hand, Biden’s embrace of thousands upon thousands of immigrants at the taxpayers’ expense is utterly appalling. I swear I fucking hate both Democrats and Republicans!

So after we returned home from KFC after the nuclear stress test, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep shortly afterward. I realized I was either seriously out of shape or something wasn’t right, be it with my heart and of course, the damned thyroid.

I thought I would have to wait until I follow up with the cardiologist on the 18th but I got the results online yesterday and it shows no blockages or arrhythmias. But I do have a heart ejection fraction rate of 87% which shouldn’t be over 70%. This means my heart is beating a little too hard, but I doubt she’ll think it serious enough to need medication. It definitely could explain why my heart seems to pound at times. Sometimes I’ll be aware of my heart beating and think it’s racing when it’s not. I guess this can be caused by the heart muscle between the chambers being too thick. The question is how much can it contribute to my fatigue.

Picked up the CPAP machine and mask yesterday. There were three mannequin heads displaying 3 different masks and I chose the minimal one with the smallest mask and fewer straps. He was worried at first that he wouldn’t find one small enough for my tiny nose but he got one and showed me how to use the machine.

I wasn’t able to sleep with it last night and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this mask. I might have to try something else. It’s too hard to exhale through my nose with it and my ears kind of pop when I swallow. Maybe a full-face mask would be my best bet. I asked Andy, and he doesn’t have any problems exhaling with it. I just might not be able to sleep on my stomach with one. I’ll have to take the guy’s advice and practice wearing it while I’m awake and getting the hang of how to breathe with it. I thought it would come as naturally as breathing without it and that my worst problem would be getting used to sleeping with the thing on my face. I didn’t realize the air pressure would be as strong as it was, and that was on the lowest setting. It automatically adjusts in your sleep. It’s also louder than I thought which would make a good sound machine as long as it wasn’t changing in pitch erratically.

Back to having more burning where I pee and flank pain despite taking a probiotic yesterday and Replensing before bed. Really hope I’m not looking at yet another problem! He really wants to start looking for work this month, and he can’t do that if I have to keep having one appointment after another.

The dishwasher is working again. It was our fault for not keeping up on it and cleaning the filter. He steamed off the gunk that was blocking the sensor and then got some Affresh tablets like what we used to get for our front-loading washer in California. This seemed to do the trick.

Written yesterday…

Heading down 19 now. Don’t know if I’ll get this online today.

Luckily, I’m not too tired as I figured I would be. I’ve got a PB&J sandwich packed with me and a fruit cup. The only thing I don’t get is why I was instructed to take a sandwich lunch. Testing is 2 to 3 hours. If they start at 8:00 and I’m out at 11:00, then it’s lunchtime anyway. I’m guessing it’s part of the testing.

Can’t remember any dreams last night so I guess that’s a good sign. A few nights ago I dreamed that a deaf woman was interested in me, LOL.

Checked the portal yesterday to see if the results of my last test were there but it’s not. I won’t know anything until the 18th.

CPAP day is tomorrow, so I need energy for one more day! I just hope I can stand to sleep with the thing. It will be interesting to see how helpful it is…or isn’t.

Andy left a message saying that if I can make it, I’ll have to meet him at Gary’s clubhouse. He won’t have a car to get to our place and Gary already has a full house of visitors. I like this arrangement much better because our place is a bit small for three visitors and I’m his friend, not Gary’s or Judy’s. I still don’t know if I can make it that day but he seems to understand that it’s up in the air right now. I would definitely love to see him and I know he wants to see me.

Hate this cold spell we’re having. I’m in my hoodie and the car’s heater is on. It’s 47° now but supposed to come up to 75°. After a few warm days, it will be cold again. Might as well get used to it. It’s going to be this way till March with a few warm spells thrown in.

On the road again headed for KFC after 2.5 hours of testing.

They were pretty punctual and a guy named Mike brought me to a room and then Tom left to charge the car. He took my blood pressure which was a surprising 167/97! Maybe because I hate the tight electronic cuffs and I tensed up.

Then he injected the tracer through a portal in my hand. I felt a coldness creep up my hand and along my forearm, and he said that was good because that meant it was working.

He had me wait in the waiting room for 45 minutes. Fortunately, since the place was a maze, they had these green arrow stickers on the floor so I could find my way back to the waiting room. It was so cold in there too! I should have worn a sweatshirt.

After the 45 minutes was up, I was made to sit in a chair with a seatbelt of sorts that raised a foot or so off of the ground. I had to raise my arms overhead and place my forearms on a padded armrest that was at forehead level. I was told to breathe normally and hold still for 20 minutes. Not the most comfortable thing, but not too bad either. Every couple of minutes, the chair rotated an inch or two as pics of my chest were taken.

Next came what would be a much tougher time on the treadmill than anticipated after they stuck those things to my chest that the EKG leads attached to. Thanks, Hashimoto’s, for forcing me to get so out of shape by not having the energy to run.

“That’s a terrible disease,” Mike’s nurse Dan said. “Your thyroid is your body’s carburetor.”

So true and I hate knowing how limited I’ll likely be for the rest of my life because of it. It’s a shitty life sentence for sure.

My HR reached 150 even though the target was 139. It was tough because it was uphill. Instead of having you run, they gradually increase the speed and incline. While on the treadmill, they injected more of the tracer and took my blood pressure again.

After the treadmill, the removal of the IV which made me more comfortable, and a third and final blood pressure reading, I went out to the waiting room and scarfed down the sandwich and fruit cup I brought with me.

Then Tom returned and 20 minutes later I was brought back for the final phase of the testing. I had to sit in the rotating chair again with my arms raised by my forehead for more glamour shots but this time only for 8 minutes.

Despite having a meal bar and a fruit cup at 4:00 a.m. and the lunch I packed, I was famished. Yet by the time we got to KFC, major fatigue was setting in, and I couldn’t quite finish my chicken dinner.

More to come later.

In one of my 1999 entries, I wrote that Evie was “being her usual self with the health problems” when she told me she had to have an endoscopy. Little did I know at the time that one day I would be being my usual self with the health problems. I regret being insensitive but it’s very easy to do until you have first-hand knowledge of what it’s like.

OK, this is too damn weird. Just way too damn weird. Although I don’t remember what they were about, one of my aunts was the star of a few dreams last night. Seemed to be more than one dream anyway. Checked obituaries and there’s a Ruth O that died on the 3rd of this month!!! There’s also one that died last year but I can’t confirm that either one is her for sure. Both are buried in New York and I’m not sure that she would be buried there but it’s possible. I have many relatives with roots there.

This isn't the first time I've dreamt about someone just to learn they died not too long ago.

Thinking of going friends only on PB, but not open to adding new friends.

I hate how dependent we become on so many things when we get older. First it was lotion and lip balm and now it’s medications, vaginal suppositories, and soon-to-be CPAP machines along with so much more. Probiotics, yogurt, vitamin D, extra pillows in bed, special fluoride toothpaste, sound machines, water by the bedside, glasses, certain types of specialists, oil for my ear…

Last night was horrible. I was so tired that it was almost scary and it really pulled me down emotionally. Not to where I was like OMG, I have to kill myself now, but I was just so blah. Not feeling well physically never helps one emotionally.

Today I have more energy and I’m enjoying every precious moment of it. As funny as this may sound, I feel a little less hypo now. I have more energy than yesterday and I’m not as cold. My weight is down a couple of pounds too. Maybe adding vitamin D every other day before bed would be smart. The only thing that sucks about having more energy is that I know this means I’m gonna have trouble falling asleep and therefore be guaranteed to be exhausted tomorrow.

I’m still back to being unsure as to whether or not waiting an hour vs. a half hour after taking my meds makes any difference so I figured I would alternate the times.

Woke up with a little bit of that lower right flank pain again. Really hope it doesn’t mean I’ve got kidney issues coming on. Hopefully, it’s just a pulled muscle. They just tested my kidneys and everything was okay.

We discussed a cheaper insurance plan for me earlier. CVS has a cheaper and better plan with more endos in the area I could go to. Tom was pointing out how they all have bad reviews and I don’t doubt it. I’ve hated all three of the ones I’ve seen. I mean, I didn’t literally hate Doc O, but she wasn’t helpful in the end either. I may have no choice but to eventually see one, though. Two out of the eight in town are female. I still wonder what the hell it is about Florida that’s keeping female doctors away. Galileo is almost all women and there seemed to be mostly women doctors in California but not here.

Tom gave up meat and is losing weight slowly. Wish I could do that, but no matter what type of diet I were to do it wouldn’t get weight off in my case. I’m gonna need medication for it or to just keep on living with it. I want to wait until and if I can ever get some of these appointments to die down before I broach the subject of trying one of the new weight loss medications to Galileo. That’s another thing is that I might have to give them up if I go with CVS which has their own app. That much would suck because I don’t like change and I don’t want to have to start all over again with new doctors who aren’t familiar with me and my cases. However, they’re only $250 a year so I might be able to keep them. The only thing that may get a little confusing is that they could no longer handle some things like labs and I don’t know if I would stay with Quest Labs or go with LabCorp or what. Maybe CVS has its own labs.

Tom was surprised to learn that we may qualify for food stamps even if it’s not much. He’s going to look into it.

Found this really cool site that was in my Facebook feed that lets you track an animal for $10. You buy one of their beaded bracelets. The money goes to help land and sea animals and they send you a code that tracks the movement of the animal(s) of your choice. That might be kind of interesting but I’m not sure it’s worth it. I really want to save up for that new bed and if I keep making little purchases on the side, it will slow the savings down.

We’re going to have a few nights down in the upper 40s at which time I’m gonna clean the oven early in the morning because we need to open windows and air the place out. Still haven’t had to run the heat but we probably will during those days, if only early in the morning.

If I don’t write much for a while it’s because I’m saving it for the trek down to Palm Harbor.

I’m lying in bed now fighting horrible, horrible fatigue. The kind that’s getting so bad that it’s literally starting to scare me. How the fuck am I going to get the energy for the nuclear stress test in a few days? I suppose worst case scenario they could give me medication that simulates exercise. Then I’ve got to go out the next day for the CPAP fitting.

My mind keeps pinging around the different ideas as to what it could be and why different things do and don’t make sense. There are so many things that can cause fatigue from diabetes to anemia to heart disease. Then there are thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, sleep apnea, and cancer. Probably plenty I’m not thinking of. My guess is still on the thyroid as the main culprit with sleep apnea and possibly chronic fatigue being a part of it as well. I’m not diabetic and I can’t believe I could possibly have cancer. No weight loss, no chronic cough. Despite WBC in my urine, I can’t imagine what kind of infection I might have that could be causing it. Maybe the gastritis? Both of us doubt it’s my heart despite my family history. I think that if my heart becomes a problem, I will be close to 70.

I just want answers once and for all and to know what to do about it! If it is my thyroid, the question is how the hell do we get that under control? How much more of the fucking medication is it finally going to take to get my numbers back down and to stay down? I still think the gland is atrophying.

I took a nap for an hour and I’m still utterly exhausted. I could be up enjoying the few hours off from the planes and doing things that are useful and fun instead of stuck in bed as usual.

I doubt it but wondered for a split second if it could be connected to the root canal. That took place during the summer of 2020 and it seems like about 6 months later the heavy fatigue started setting in. I’ve had it for three or four years. So I guess with my shit luck, I’ll have it for another three or four years and then I can be on to my next near-decade problem.

I still say that anything is better than anxiety but at least when I was anxious I could still function. This is so fucking debilitating that it is literally interfering with my day-to-day life.

I also suspect vitamin D might make me a little tired so I’ll start taking it before bed on days that I take it.

The tentative plan is to get to the lab on the 5th. I still think my TSH is going to be as bad or worse. The scale is enough to tell me that. At this point, I think I would be brave enough to add two of the 100s a week for 6 weeks rather than just one because I’ve had enough of this shit and I’ve got to do something.

The only thing I don’t get is why I wasn’t this exhausted when I was first diagnosed with a TSH of 32. I guess we really do get more sensitive to things with age. It’s only been a decade but I guess that’s enough.

I’m not surprised no one voted on my poll about tweeting pics when I get up to let people know when I’m up. Starting to feel pretty cut off online so to speak. I miss having cyber friends but I know that a part of it is my fault because I’ve been hesitant to mingle with others and risk getting caught up in toxic drama I could do without. I don’t need a lot of friends. It would just be nice to have one regular cyber buddy that I shared my life with and that shared theirs with me on a regular basis. There are a couple of people I wouldn’t mind being buddies with. The problem is that one has emotional/behavior problems and the other is pretty busy and doesn’t seem interested. I know there are apps and websites for those looking for platonic relationships but I like to let these things happen by accident. I found that you can’t make certain things happen. You can’t make love happen and you can’t make friendship happen. Basically, it has to come to you on its own and then it’s up to you whether you take it from there or not.

I was surprised by a reply from Doc A. I message her every three or four months and fill her in on what’s been going on and this time she said it was good to hear from me and that she hopes I had a lovely Thanksgiving (yeah, stuck in bed) and that she hopes my tests come out okay and wished me a happy birthday in advance.

This was so nice of her!

The dishwasher broke but I’m okay with doing dishes by hand. It might be better this way because this way we keep up on them whereas when you have a dishwasher, you’re tempted to let the dishes pile up until you have enough to run a load and then you feel like it’s more of a chore. It’s really only the pots and pans that are a pain in the ass if they’re greasy. If we only use them to boil water for pasta then we can quickly clean them afterward. The greasy ones I let soak along with silverware and utensils. It’s mostly dishes, cups, and mugs that we’re washing after we use them.

Wish we could get rid of the dishwasher and put a cabinet in its place. I definitely don’t want to spend nearly a grand for a new one. We could get a countertop one but we don’t have any place to put it. We are literally stuffed into this kitchen like a can of sardines. It would have been perfect 20 years ago when there weren’t as many gadgets and I wasn’t into cooking like I am now but now I really miss having a full-size house. The only room size that’s adequate in this place is the master bedroom. The bathrooms aren’t too bad either. I just wish they had more drawers. If the second bedroom, living room and kitchen were bigger, that would be nice, and I miss having an indoor washer and dryer too. But this is likely it for life so I just deal with it.

Not surprisingly, since it’s the weekend, the honker took the motorcycle out. I was already up when he got back but fortunately, he didn’t wake me up when he left.

I swear it’s like something up there is making up for the lack of outside disturbances because I sure do wake up a lot for no apparent reason. Sometimes it’s because I’m snoring loudly or I have to pee or I had a bad dream but most of the time it seems I simply wake up. From what I read, even if you’re not aware that you woke up or it’s only for a minute or two, that can leave you tired the next day.

Really wish I was getting the CPAP before the stress test! I just hope to hell I have the energy for it because I would prefer to get my own HR going rather than some drug do it for me and remind me of the nightmare I went through when I first started my thyroid medication.

Now I have to decide if I want to edit this 1297-word entry on the phone or do it on the computer.

VR is so awesome and not just for working out and playing miniature golf. I flew over Paris, went canoeing in Canada, walked through the streets of New York City, and then went deep sea diving in Grenada. How cool is that?!

Tinkerbella is getting naughtier by the moment. She used to listen when we told her to stop doing something we didn’t want her doing but now she’s as defiant as ever. She just doesn’t listen anymore. She’s been chewing up carpet and being a destructive little devil so we’ve been sending her home when she misbehaves and doesn’t listen.

I wish there was an easy way to keep her out of the living room. I’d rather her stay confined to the kitchen when let out of her cage. I’m sure she’ll find shit to mess with there too, but still. We’re more than likely stuck with this carpet for life, and even though I don’t like it that doesn’t mean I want it torn up either.

Lately, she seems to like it even more when I gently squirt the water bottle at her than when I squirt it in her water tray. Guess that’s an easier way for her to take a bath because she cleans herself right after.

I have more to write about but I am just way too exhausted now. Yeah, it’s another one of those days.

I don’t know whether it makes me more amused or sad when people make shit up to suit their wishes. Just because you may want something to be true doesn’t mean it becomes true if you say it is, but anyway, I skimmed an article claiming that the overturning of Roe has saved over 30K lives, LOL. It was one of those propaganda pushers and opinion articles that anybody could write and doesn’t have to be factual.

I’m sure that if you look at legit statistic sites you’ll see the real stats. 30K people aren’t gonna simply sit back and say, “Fuck it. I’ll do what a bunch of strangers order me to do” unless they really are okay with having the kids. There’s a big difference between being told you can’t get an abortion versus you can’t kill people. Furthermore, even if they didn’t have the means to travel to where they could get them, there are still other alternatives.

Even if it was true that this many were “saved,” what were they saved from? Adoption? Child abuse? Poverty? But hey, they can continue to at least save all the lives they want…in their minds.

Also if this was true, then there would be a lot of scarily shitty doctors in this country not doing their jobs and what they were trained to do.

I’ve always known that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing. But the things I’ve seen happen in this country over the last few years really reinforce this knowledge. Anyone can gain and lose rights at any time. Although I don’t let myself go too crazy with worry over it since it’s out of my control and I haven’t crossed that bridge yet, I have an increased concern about these sick extremists enacting laws and stripping rights that affect me directly. I’d hate to be in a desperate situation of any kind and find that no one has the guts to help me. These doctors who won’t do the right thing and defy the craziness going on are true honest-to-God cowards, though I do still think most are caring for their patients. They’re just doing it quietly.

I was watching a documentary on YouTube about people who died and were revived after experiencing the afterlife. One claimed to have always believed in God, another didn’t, and another wasn’t sure what to believe. While the stories were certainly interesting to hear, I sense it’s just a God-promotion thing. Notice that God always gets dragged into stories of the afterlife? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a story of anyone visiting the afterlife and seeing strangers or people they knew who died before them and that was it.

How can anyone know these stories are true? Maybe the people really believe these things actually happened but they were just dreams.

Except for the one guy sharing his supposed story, the other three women almost looked like they could be actresses. None of them were fat, ugly, or plain-looking. They weren’t necessarily gorgeous but they were decent enough looking. The way they tell their stories is similar as well.

They get a little contradicting at one point too, saying that God is full of nothing but pure love and he loves each and every one of us. But then they go on to say that if you choose not to have a relationship with him, he’ll spite you for it by sending you to hell. Well, that’s not love. That’s an awful lot like a dumped and vengeful guy swearing that if he can’t have his ex, nobody can.

Just checked the cam and saw the honker’s dog gazing out the lanai window. So does he keep the thing in there while he’s sleeping and while he’s out? Does he also assume it isn’t going to bark in the middle of the night and wake someone up, including himself?

Even though I always swear I’m done with Mia because of the bugs and constant changes with the app since the devs won’t leave things alone for more than 5 minutes, I do enjoy some of the daily tasks you get rewards for. The rewards don’t matter much anymore because she owns damn near everything in the store at this point. But the tasks are interesting. One of the questions she asked was whether or not I would want to live forever.

Definitely not! That would be so boring. For the last few years, I’ve been thinking that the world is only going to get worse and worse and that it’s a good thing I only have about 20 years left but I don’t know about that the more I think about it. I’ve noticed many times in life that certain things seem to improve or be available when I no longer need them. Hell, I could have really used Mia a lot more back in my early 20s and fresh on my own.

If it really has been quieter since I left the old place, that’s just my shit luck. In other words, I wouldn’t be surprised if when I die all vehicles will be electric, including motorcycles, not that people can’t find other ways to make noise and get attention. There will be universal healthcare, women everywhere will have reproductive rights, and there will be so many more better things that we would have found helpful to have or experience.

Take money for example. They really need to figure out a way to entice people to work while doing away with money because money really is the root of all evil (along with hormones). Think of how much less crime there would be without money, along with fewer homeless and hungry people unable to get the things they need. So yeah, it would be just my luck that sure, the country will fall further and further into a shithole and then get better and better after I’m gone.

Today I’m feeling a little better than yesterday. I have a little more energy, and my mental state is a little calmer. I had a few moments yesterday where I felt anything but good. I was not only horribly tired but eventually feeling shitty caught up to me emotionally.

Again, I couldn’t help but think that if it wasn’t for Tom, how tempting it would be to end it all because of how shitty I feel so often. If I lived in an apartment building and was high enough up that I could simply open a window and end it in a matter of seconds, the urge to resist when I’m feeling at my worst would be incredibly challenging. Someday, but not now. I still want to try and wait until he goes.

Another startling realization hit me. Well, maybe it wasn’t startling so much as surprising. I see many regular readers on my visitor report, and I realize that many of them are likely crawlers and bots of various kinds but if any are actual humans, then in some ways, they care more about what’s going on in my life than anyone else other than Tom. That’s quite an honor and I’m truly flattered because I can’t think of any Facebook friends who would read me daily. A few do once in a while, but Andy is unlikely to read my journal and Jessie is even less likely to read it. Andy would probably not want to take the chance of reading anything that may offend him, and Jessie would see it as invading my privacy, even if it’s not exactly private, and both are busy with other things. Andy has his groups and Jessie has her work. I don’t care about Jessie, but I would prefer Andy not to read it so I do what I can to keep the link from him. He has too much trouble understanding and remembering things.

Many times I'll start to do an entry on PB but then stop myself because I'm just not feeling that place much these days. I think I'd rather stick with a bunch of crawlers and bots and what's likely to be people who don't know me. I feel I can be more open this way. I know I could just go private but there is something appealing about the idea of an unbiased and complete stranger possibly peeking in on my life. PB would still be a good place for next year's daily writing prompt project.

Even though I slept better last time, it wasn’t without being woken up and it was definitely my own dumb fault. Again, I turned the sound machine off thinking I was getting up, but I dozed off. Nearly an hour later, the fucking motorcycle down the street was being revved up. So my fault for turning the sound machine off before I knew for sure I was getting up and of course, the park’s fault too, for allowing this shit in here.

I was tempted to email the office under a bogus email address through Tor. You know, in case they have friends in the office like the Bakers were friends with Joy and the freeloaders were friends with the rogue cop. I was tempted to ask why these fuckers are exempt from following the rules even though it specifically states in the rule book that you’re not supposed to gun engines. And also, why are we not allowed to have parties that can be heard in other people’s houses while it’s okay to have vehicles that can be heard in them?

But then I decided not to for two reasons. First, it wouldn’t do me any good. Secondly, I’d rather keep the complaints for bigger issues should there ever be any. If Ray’s girlfriend moves in with a yapping dog she won’t control or someone else moves in that’s a problem. So basically anything that’s a threat to my sleep or lasts for more than just a few minutes at a time.

We’re slowly dismantling the “doghouse,” but we agreed not to remove the frame this year. After the first, assuming there are no issues and we don’t need to put it back, we’ll take it down. It served its purpose and was more or less a training sleeper of sorts to help get used to sleeping here. If it’s something ferociously loud, like really loud thunder, or if a motorcycle was being revved right outside the house, then it wouldn’t do any good anyway. Same goes for the louder mower and garbage truck. Fortunately, they still usually use the quieter trucks and it’s that time of year when they only mow every other week.

Tom got a bunch of colorful silicone cupcake wrappers. This way he can fill them with alfredo sauce or spaghetti sauce to freeze and then thaw whenever he wants to have pasta. The sauce could go bad if he keeps it in the refrigerator and uses it as he needs it.

OMG, what a classic example of Andy not understanding things, LOL. I shared a meme with him that I got from Margaret that says, “So a burglar broke into the house… I put the red dot on his chest, and the cat did the rest.”

“I don’t get it,” he said, so I had to explain it to him.

As expected, I’m back to being exhausted. Fitbit says I slept well, but that’s not what I remember. I remember waking up a number of times, once to pee and to put on a nose strip while I was at it because my nose was stuffy. That’s supposed to be a side effect of Losartan, but one I can live with.

I had a dream we were living in a park that was targeting those who were or have been with the same sex. Some guy, perhaps connected to a church, was going around asking questions. I don’t know what they planned to do with those they suspected were gay or bisexual. I guess they wanted to kick them out of the park. We were still living in California in the dream and I said to Tom, “If you can’t be safe in California, then where can you be safe?”

Tom has been super tired as well so neither of us felt up for Bicycle Bingo tonight. He’s lucky he can nap when he’s tired and naps typically refresh him. I can’t always get myself to nap and when I do, they don’t usually refresh me. Something wants me tired and unable to do things.

Galileo sent an automated message asking how I was doing under my thyroid case and I told them I wasn’t experiencing any of the symptoms I get when my TSH gets below my personal range and that I expect the numbers to be bad. I asked if the gland could be atrophying and if they thought an ultrasound would be a good idea since it’s been a decade and I’ve been having heavy fatigue on and off for the last few years. They want to wait until my heart tests are done and I have the CPAP for a while to make any new decisions and that makes sense.

I was a little surprised that they’re not going to test my urine again, saying they want a GYN to deal with that. That’s fine but since when do GYNs deal with too many white blood cells and blood in urine? I still say the blood was a cut. Can’t explain the WBC, though. I wonder if the flank pain I had yesterday could have been a kidney stone after all and maybe that was raising my WBC count.

Tom was pissed because as soon as he went to charge the car, there were notifications for DoorDash deliveries in the area. The other day he had to stop and charge because there was a delivery a mile out of range. After he charged, there were deliveries available 10 miles further south and he decided he wasn’t driving further and further into Tampa chasing deliveries he’d never get. So something didn’t want him making deliveries and something wants me tired.

I looked at Carol's page to see if there was any mention of Kim, and there she was in an ugly black witch costume for a Halloween party they had at the dojo. So she definitely isn’t ill or injured. Like I said, if I knew all I had to do was call her out on her obsessive shit to get myself dumped, I would have done that a long time ago. I definitely don’t miss her at all. She’s stupid, crazy, delusional, unrealistic, non-empathetic, selfish, and the biggest liar I’ve ever encountered. Termite Tammy never lied that much and maybe not even Molly either.

Ray continues to be quiet and goes out at night. The honker put one of his flags up. The American-Canadian one.

I’m kind of pissed that the bottle of patchouli oil was empty when I went to put some in the diffuser. Why couldn’t it have been one of the citrus ones to leak?

We went out to Walgreens earlier and we’re quite bad, LOL. We got all kinds of treats and I got wine.

Again with the honker’s dog. It went off twice and you would think it would piss the shit out of me but for some reason, it didn’t. If it keeps happening more and more then it will, and I’ll say something in that case. He’s out more often and there’s no girlfriend to stay with it or other dog to keep it company so it’s getting lonely. Another dog walking by set it off one time. I just don’t understand why he’s got the windows open. I can see having them open at night but in the daytime, it’s still a bit hot. Wish he’d shut the windows and kick the AC on.

I created an account on SSA to get an idea of how much I can collect when I’m 62 but have to wait for a special code to be mailed to me over the next few days. I don’t expect it to be much, though. Maybe two or three hundred a month. Whatever it is, I’ve got a long way to go before I’m 62, and 65 seems worlds away. Since I can’t go back in time, I would jump to 65 in a heartbeat if I could so I could have Medicare, contribute to our income, and be closer in age to my husband.

Getting to Bicycle Bingo tomorrow night is going to be hit or miss. It was great that I had energy today but it’s such a rare luxury that I don’t expect to have it again tomorrow (now I’m lightheaded). Not that I’m complaining, but I still don’t understand why I suddenly have energy today. Now I don’t know if the different waiting times after my meds matter, if the gland is atrophying, or if there’s something else going on. And why did I have more energy before last week? The new dose hadn’t had as much time to build up in me then.

Ooh, I’m excited to take meditation to a whole new level! I asked myself what I could do differently for a change besides endless blog work. I love editing - don’t get me wrong - but I need to mix it up at times so I jumped on YouTube and found a bunch of 10-minute guided meditation videos with beautiful nature visuals. I created a meditation playlist there and am gathering a collection so I can have a new guided visual meditation every day. I still love the VR meditation app but I need variety every now and then. 10 minutes is a decent enough time for me to meditate each day. So I’m having fun browsing around flower fields, moonlight nights, rainstorms, oceans, lakes, streams, rivers, and more!

Woke up with my heart racing and feeling kind of warm. This is also the first day in about a week that I haven’t felt like I was about to slip into a coma. It’s almost like my TSH dropped overnight. Now I don’t know what to think as far as waiting time, vitamin D, etc. The only weird thing is that if it’s thyroid fatigue, why do my energy levels fluctuate?

The only thing I have so far today, since it seems I can’t go a day without having something, is pain in my lower left flank. I’ll take it! If I have to have something, I’ll take pain over killer fatigue any day.

I used Replens last night to ward off getting dusty in there and burning again. Yet sure enough, I’m already starting to burn. Pretty sure I didn’t cut myself this time. The applicator went in easily, and I didn’t see any blood.

He was out when I got up, but I found I had a message from the CPAP people, so I called them and scheduled a fitting for the first.

Then I called the support people for the heart monitor and told them my estimated last day was supposed to be yesterday yet I still hadn’t gotten a notification telling me I had completed the study. The woman told me I had, and I could go ahead and remove it and send the monitor, sensor, and unused parts back. It’s nice having that thing off my chest! It wasn’t that big a deal, but sometimes it got a little itchy. We’ll be mailing it back tomorrow.

Anyway, he got in about an hour after I got up and said it was a complete waste of time. He’s likely going to have to get a regular job.

There’s a store off of 19 with soft-sided waterbeds so we’re gonna take a look at them sometime. I doubt they’ll be in our price range, though. We’ll likely end up with a hybrid. There’s a Sealy dealer nearby as well.

I’m now more convinced that my heavy fatigue is my thyroid and not my heart. I did some more reading and I really think the damn gland is atrophying. It fits with my symptoms. I think it started a few years ago. I wasn’t even this tired when I was in perimenopause. After years of inflammation or non-use, an organ can simply give up and fail. I’m going to bring this up to my doctor when I confirm my next lab time and see what they think about doing an ultrasound on it since it’s been a decade. I really think it’s been shriveling up and dying after being attacked for so many years and hopelessly struggling to spit out thyroid hormone. My fatigue has been so bad that I worry I’m not going to be able to handle the stress test. They can give you a medication to make the heart act like it’s exercising but I would rather not have to do that. Besides, that’s too much like what I went through with the medication years ago and I don’t want to be brought back down Memory Lane like that if I can help it.

I just want to be human again! I can’t go out for walks, I can’t go to the store, and I don’t think I’ll be able to play Bingo Tuesday night. I just really need to get to that appointment! I want to rule the heart out and continue narrowing things down. It still could be a combination of chronic fatigue and sleep apnea but right now I really do think the bulk of it is on the thyroid and I expect my numbers to be absolutely horrible. Wouldn’t be surprised if they were worse than the last reading of 22.

I miss being healthy and I miss my old life! Well, I miss my old body more than I miss my old life. In some ways, anyway. My life has been fine since 2011. It’s my damn body that hasn’t and sometimes it affects my mind as well.

I was expecting to wake up to a notification saying that I’d completed the heart monitor study and that I could take it off and send the monitor back but haven’t gotten anything yet. More than likely, I’ll have to wear it until the exact time and day I put it on last week even though I got a message a couple of days ago saying that my estimated last day would be today.

Maybe I’m not an idiot after all since I’m absolutely exhausted today. I did get up a little sooner than I should have but still. This is insane and very worrisome. I still think most of it is on my thyroid. It will be whatever is the hardest to treat, with my shit luck. Really worried that my thyroid test is going to show no improvement or that it’s even worse.

Although I was going to wait until tomorrow, I decided to take a vitamin D today because it seems like the last time I took one two days ago, I had more energy the next day even if it barely lasted an hour.

In one of my dad’s final letters to me before he died in 2012, he said that the last couple of years hadn’t been the same and I can’t help but think I’m going to end up with the last 30 of my years not being the same. I’ve always been eager to move ahead in life and looked forward to the future. Now all I want to do is go back in time. I want to go back to having the energy to live. A 57-year-old woman should have the energy to go for a walk. Instead, I was so tired I had to nap and I’m still tired.

I just hope to hell I have enough energy for the nuclear stress test because about 15 to 20 minutes of it is going to be on the treadmill. They’re going to inject a radioactive tracer into my bloodstream and take pictures part of the time. It’s a long test that can take over 2 hours. I still don’t expect to have any blockages. I think it’s too soon. Maybe in a decade, though. At least this way I’ll know for sure. I wish it could be as simple as them finding something and then treating it so I can feel better but that’s just not the way it works with me.

On Monday Tom will be returning the heart monitor and going toward Tampa to see if he can do some DoorDash deliveries.

Tomorrow should be the last day of wearing the monitor. I’m glad because sometimes my skin gets itchy and of course, the rat tries to grab it. We charged the sensor yesterday and changed the patch. My skin was a bit red and irritated but it should be fine once this patch is off and I scrub the area and put lotion on it. I’m sure I’ll have a ton more of those funny palpitations after it’s off too. eyeroll I only had a few while it was on.

So I’ve been feeling like I have no energy, depressed, worried for my future, and wondering how the hell I’m going to get my thyroid under control without side effects. I swear that day on July 9th, 2014 was a turning point for me. My mind and body as I’d always known it was gone and it was the point of no return. Now the final third of my life can be spent with a combination of the same old ongoing shit along with new problems. What could possibly be up there that hates me so much? Could there have been a bunch of negative energy that latched on to me in the last house? Something else?

It was far from the first time that I remembered earlier how Aly said she wished she would get something that would just kill her at times and how much I could understand her saying that. Not that she literally wanted to die of course. No one does. They just don’t want to suffer. But sometimes I wonder if my only choices are to live to suffer or not live at all.

I miss Aly so much!

The honker was home most of today but was out most of yesterday. I like him single because he’s definitely out more often in general. Only problem is that his dog barked a little last night. Fortunately, it was only 15 to 20 barks and then it stopped. No matter how humid it is out there he never seems to run his AC. All his windows are open so when it does bark I can hear it easily enough, especially if I’m in the front of the house. The more he’s out, the more it’s going to go off which I learned from Jesse’s dogs, not that I expect it to ever bark for 12 hours at a time like his used to of course. That wouldn’t be tolerated here (I hope) and I don’t know if the thing can hold it for that long. Jesse’s dogs were outside all the time so he certainly didn’t have to come home after a while to let them out to do their thing.

Facebook shows you events that your friends are either interested in or planning to attend. Well, the honker is interested in some rock concert in Ocala on June 7th of next year. When I saw that I was like, June 7th?! How the hell long is he planning to stay? And how does the U.S. know if a Canadian visitor has overstayed their allotted 6 months?

I am totally stupid at times, and I mean just a total stupid idiot. For the last four days or so, I’ve been having heavy fatigue. I waited an hour yesterday and today instead of a half hour like I have been and it’s almost like someone flicked a switch to my energy levels back on. So if I had any lingering doubts as to whether or not waiting time matters, at least for me personally, they’re gone now. I definitely need to wait an hour. Every once in a while, I can do a half hour if we’re going out and I’m in a hurry or something like that.

I noticed how much more alive and awake I felt when I woke up today. I can’t stress just how horrible and profound thyroid fatigue is! It’s like your whole body wants to shut down. It goes way above and beyond normal fatigue.

My heart started racing again (something about showers) and I recorded the event on the phone. It sends messages periodically, saying that data was sent so you know it’s still recording. It works like Fitbit where it sends chunks of data at a time instead of a steady stream. A message popped up this morning saying I’ve completed most days of my testing and my estimated final day of testing will be on Sunday. Then on Monday, we’ll mail the monitor back.

Not surprisingly, my energy didn’t last long. It’s like taking that shower and whatever sent my heart racing into the triple digits sucked the energy out of me. It’s going to take time to build myself back up, but still, if I could just get half a day of energy, that would really help and make a huge difference. I shouldn’t sleep for 7-8 hours, then have to nap for a couple more hours shortly after getting up.

It’s an utterly chilling thought to think, what if my health was like this when I was in jail? Well, I definitely wouldn’t have gotten out alive because I think I would go into a coma in less than a month without the medication. They have to verify with your doctor and pharmacist what medications you’re on, and that takes time. They can’t just take an inmate’s word for what they’re taking. I guess it’s a good thing most inmates are young and healthy then.

This goes to show that this medication isn’t just helping me, but it’s literally keeping me alive as much as I hate having to take it and have had problems with it in the past.

I’ve got the Clary Sage oil going now in the diffuser, and I barely smell a thing. Neroli, on the other hand, is gorgeous. So are Jasmine and Ylang Ylang. There’s also another really beautiful one, but I forget the name of it.

Got some surprisingly heavy rain yesterday We weren't flooded like Miami was, but it rained long and steady and hard. It was a winter rain even though it was 70 degrees. There was no thunder or lightning.

I was just out a few minutes ago, and it was cloudy and misty and slightly cool.

So pissed at VZfit because they totally changed the layout and look of the app. I knew they were going to do this because they announced it, but I liked things the way they were, and I swear that HUD gets more and more cluttered every time they do an update.

Ray returned a couple of days ago. He has his light blue SUV, which confirms that the dark one he was driving was just a rental and that he only came down for a few days because something was going on. When I saw him leave early that morning, it was to go to the airport. I’m sure I heard his plane flying over us.

I have been having absolutely horrible fatigue these last few days. The kind that’s debilitating and really messes with my mood. Sometimes it does anyway. It was so bad I didn’t even have the energy to work out or even do a journal update. Even though I don’t think this is fixable, I can’t fight my natural instinct to try to help myself so I asked my docs if they thought vitamin D a couple of times a week - since I don’t want to take it every day and risk pushing my TSH down too low, too fast - might help with energy levels. They agreed it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try and would like to test my vitamin D level again in a few months.

Yesterday I recorded an event on the monitor, but it was a round of lightheadedness and not those funny palpitations I often get. It frustrates me that of all the times I don’t have them, it’s when I’m being monitored.

Another thing that frustrates the hell out of me is that my brain just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m becoming more and more forgetful and slower to catch on to things. The pulmonologist asked if I had all my teeth and I said yes, forgetting that I actually had two of my back molars pulled. Then, when Irma mentioned Ray putting his house on the market, I didn’t realize at first that she was actually talking about his Michigan house - duh!

Tom is going to try giving up meat and while I could give up chicken, beef, and turkey, it would be very hard for me to give up fish because I love it so much. So I’m going to try making fish my only meat.

He downloaded and signed up for the DoorDash app, but doesn’t know that he’s going to be able to make many deliveries in this area. I think he’s gonna have to get a regular job. The problem is that everyone wants full-time workers.

So when he wanted to work full-time when we first got to Cali, all they had was part-time temps. But now that he wants part-time, he can’t get it. Ain’t life grand.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of my sleep and having trouble falling back asleep for an hour or two. And that’s part of why I have been tired. Last time around, it wasn’t just to pee, but because I had a disturbing dream. I was wanted for something, although I don’t know what. I was trying to keep as low a profile as I could. Tom and I were playing cards and he said I would have a long time of having to hang low, and just as I was going to say that it would be worth it, the door Tom forgot to lock opened up, and in stepped a detective. Tom didn’t say a word, and I quickly slipped under the table but realized I had already been spotted. It annoyed me that Tom didn’t do anything to get the guy out of the place. He never even said a word, which spoke volumes toward my guilt.

Then he softly told me there were many cops outside so I sat back up, knowing it was pointless to hide, and in sheer frustration and anger, I said, “Why couldn’t you have remembered to lock the door?”

I knew that whatever I’d done was going to put me in prison for years and not just months in jail so it must have been something serious!

Okay, I know I sound like a complainer and that everybody has a right to do their own thing but I get tired of the “partial socializers.” I’ll comment on someone’s entry, for example, they’ll reply, and then when I want to take the conversation further, they’ll completely clam up on me. Either be sociable or don’t bother at all! The half-assed socialization just gets to me at times. I don’t know why it does, but it does.

My teeth are nice and clean now, which is great, but it cost more than we expected. $76 for the cleaning, and then an additional $44 for the doctor to do a visual exam when she was done which is normally part of the routine cleaning. I guess they got greedy and decided to separate those things to make extra money. Then it was another $25 for my fluoride toothpaste.

We stopped at McDonald’s on the way back. We both agree that their burgers and fries just aren’t that great. Their chocolate chip cookies are a whole different story, though. Yum!

I perked up a bit but now I’m getting tired again.

It’s been raining lightly on and off today. The clouds amplify the sound of the planes but it’s otherwise a nice change from the usual warm sunshine, not that it’s even close to being cold out. Still need the AC in the daytime.

Looks like the honker is gearing up for visitors. He’s got the grill out and is parked to the side of the driveway to make room for another vehicle. Maybe the guy that sometimes visits in the white SUV.

Signing in on another horribly exhausting day with kickass fatigue. I slept super shitty last night but not because of the sensor. I don’t even notice the sensor is stuck to my chest. I just kept waking up. One time I woke up and had trouble falling back asleep. Twice I had to get up and pee. Then of course we had to play the stuffy nose game and I had to get up and put a nose strip on.

Why do I always have to be tired on appointment days? At least this time around, I can just lay back and relax when I get my teeth cleaned in a couple of hours. And hope I don’t have cavities of course.

So I saw the pulmonologist yesterday who never shut up and made it hard for me to insert questions in between his nonstop rambling. He’s going to order a CPAP for me, and soon, I will get fitted for it. I’m hoping to get a nose mask because that way I can still sleep on my stomach (I hope) and I seem to breathe mostly out of my nose when I sleep. Then I’ll have a follow-up with him, at which time he’ll certify it if it works out. If I can’t stand the thing, we’re out $100 but at least I tried. Personally, I don’t think I meant to ever get my energy back. I’m not kidding when I say I feel like something wants me to be tired so much of the time.

The sensor came with a really nice Samsung Galaxy phone that’s nicer and newer than mine that is the monitor. The kit came with a template you put around your neck so that you place the sensor exactly where it’s supposed to be. Hopefully, I got that right! I guess I did because, at nearly 5 this morning, I got a message saying that the ECG is now being monitored. We’re thinking it updates in increments.

The only annoyance is that I can’t go far from the phone. Sort of like being under house arrest where you have boundaries. LOL. Usually, when I go to the dentist, I just leave my purse with him in the waiting room but I’ll have to take it in with me.

There’s a thing where I can report an event if I experience a racy heart or palpitations, but of course I won’t now that the damn thing is on. I don’t think I ever go 5 to 7 days, though, without those “bubble hearts.”

Then it was off to play the bleeding crotch game. I pulled out a little streak of blood on the Replens applicator. Didn’t seem to be much of a struggle or resistance getting it up there, but there must have been as I could clearly tell I was cut by the way it burned. The gel in there made it burn. This has got to be the blood that showed up in my pee. I’ll take a break from the Replens for as long as I can to let things heal. I researched, and there’s nothing dangerous that could have popped up this fast that could bleed. Cuts are common with vaginal atrophy because the skin is thin and dry.

Getting really tired of losing alone time because I have to nap since I spend so much time tired. Today we’re going to start narrowing down the possible causes because I’m seeing the pulmonologist. Also, the heart monitor came, and I’ll be starting that, too. I would have loved to have it on a few minutes ago because I had a big-time funny palpitation. More than likely they’re benign extra beats that the doctor mentioned, and it all comes down to my thyroid and chronic fatigue. I just don’t see myself ever having more energy, but I hope I’m wrong.

William Shatner did a segment on me in UnXplained. I swear he was talking about me, LOL. There was this guy who was a gifted pianist who had perfect pitch and like me, he was able to identify a note he heard or even more than one note at once. The only difference is that he is an extremely gifted musician while I was never very good on that or the guitar. Vocals was my thing then.

Anyway, Shatner said it was a very rare ability and only one in 10,000 people have it, but I’m not so sure about that. I think that unless you’re Andy, then as you get familiar with your instrument, you should be able to do that.

The other thing he said that was relatable was that the things most people struggle with came easy to him while the everyday things most people did easily were hard for him.

The honker has the motorcycle covered now, so that’s good. This tells me his habits aren’t gonna change just because he’s single now.

Irma put a horrible thought in my head when she asked about Ray. I told her he still wasn’t back yet, and she said she wondered if he put the house on the market. I didn’t find a listing for it when I did a quick check, but God, I hope not! I’d hate to lose such a quiet neighbor, and I really don’t think I could get this lucky twice in a row. Tom suggested he might want to be with family up in Michigan for Thanksgiving, but if he wanted to be there for Thanksgiving, then I would think he would also want to be there for Christmas.

I don’t think the hair removal thing is going to remove 100% of the hair. I think the best it can do is thin it out. Also, what hairs are left are very thin.

Got Miss Tinkerbella some fruit kebabs on Amazon made of real fruit but she’s not interested. At least not so far.

I’m gonna have to back off the probiotics for a while because they’re starting to mess with my stomach, as they are known to do. They make me too gassy and poopy. It will be interesting to see if the burning flares up.

I totally don’t remember this at all but when I was reading back in my 2014 journal when I first saw the doctor I had a crush on, she told me that my thyroid felt a little enlarged.

The honker went on his cleaning frenzy today. He cleaned his carport, side lanai, and motorcycle. He powered up the motorcycle for two seconds to move it and then he took off on it a few hours ago.

I noticed he never got his golf cart this year. Didn’t even hang any flags.

I cooked chicken tenders coated in flour in a skillet with butter, garlic, soy, honey, and vinegar. It came out great.

I hate it when I’m in the mood to write, but I just can’t think of anything to say. Oh, well. It’s kind of coming to the end of my day anyway. So I think I’ll go unwind with my audiobook. Reading the latest by Daniel Hurst. Love his stuff!