I have sooo much to update on. It’s both sad and good. It’s sad because we lost our little ratty yesterday. It’s good because Tom got hired on! After 4 years and 8 months, it’s official! Life is just about the best it’s been since we came here and it’s sooo nice to hear nothing but the rain today and any sounds we make and only what we make. But the job isn’t 100% official yet. The “realness” of it may not take effect for another week or two, and it may be a while before he gets a raise. But they’re a big, European company with good benefits! :)

Eileen was delighted with how well things have been going for us. As I told her, I have never “felt” my dad’s presence in any way, but just maybe he is looking out for us when you think of the good things that have happened in just the short time he’s been gone while no God, if there even is one, seemed to care about us at all. Our lives never were and never will be perfect, but it’s an ironic coincidence that God lets us suffer for years, then my father dies and we suddenly achieve things we’ve struggled for years to achieve.

Last night I crashed at 8:30 and it was perfect timing, knowing Jesse had left at around that time and the dogs wouldn’t stop barking till around 1am. So I kicked on the sound machine and slept 12 hours due to my emotions exhausting me. We were both sad and excited. It’s sad walking by the spot where his cage used to be and not seeing him beg for those weekend treats we’d share with him. But to help make up for it is knowing we can finally move on to making preparations to move! Just maybe we’ll even make it to Italy.

I giggle to myself when I think of the day we get to tell Jesse we’re checking out of this little old heap of tin. I hope he gets every single nightmare possible for tenants, too! I know that while he may appear indifferent when we break the news to him inside he’ll be upset. We were good tenants and good tenants are hard to find. Even when we had to split the rent back on unemployment, we still paid him everything we owed. Yet despite being the perfect tenant, I was not allowed to mourn my beloved pet rat in peace any more than my dad.

After Tom left for work, I knew that yesterday was the day. The poor little guy could barely lift his head. Then for a few hours, it was just horrible watching him struggle to breathe. I wished to hell we had that homemade euthanasia kit. I even considered smothering him to end his suffering but couldn’t do it. Although Tom assured me he was probably unconscious since whatever illness he had seemed to affect his head and that it was just his natural reflexes working to breathe in the end, it was a terrible thing to have to watch. What made it all the more miserable was the fucking cock gunning his motorcycle for what seemed like forever. Really, I’m sitting there watching my pet die and I’m getting vroom, vroom, vroom! Like I said, I hope the fucker gets the worst tenants possible like the thieves and druggies that were in here before us. They broke into his house when he was out and stole his gun and almost managed to steal his Harley too. Too bad they didn’t, though the damn cock would’ve just replaced it.

Then when Tom came home we had to listen to him working on a vehicle of some kind and gunning engines while he shouted back and forth to whoever was under the hood as we buried the little guy behind our shed. Tom dug the grave deep and put big heavy rocks on top to keep the fucking dogs from digging him up.

So no more chocolate brown ratty with the white “gloves” and “socks.” :( I posted his pic on my FB wall and people gave their condolences, including the drama queen. I was polite in my reply but thinking how much I wanted to tell her to take herself and Larry, lick their fingers and stick them in an electrical outlet.

It was nice hearing from Irene today. :) I figured she’d come back eventually. She’s just too sweet a person to stay away long. She again commented after a comment I made on one of Nane’s ocean pics, saying, “Kein Hai in Sicht.” I had to look up the word Hai because I didn’t know it, but now I know it means shark. So just when I was laughing at the thought of how she’s still teaching me German even though we weren’t friends, she messages me to say she’d been depressed, burned out, and things got to be too much for her. She apologized for ending our friendship.

I figured there was more to it than the tagging thing, and as I told her, if anyone knows what it’s like to feel depressed, stressed and totally pushed to the edge, it’s me. I told her I’d always be here for her and she added me back on FB, so that was nice. I still wonder, though, if she kind of likes me and was a bit jealous when Nane and I made up. Either way, I’m not surprised to hear from her. It was Nane that was the real surprise. Especially after how mean she was to me. I really didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again.

I called my mom to give her the news but got her machine. So I left her a quick message. She’s probably at the store.

Tom says he feels the best he’s felt in 15 years since he started the Q10 supplements. He’s also down 5 pounds without any effort, so he figures that if he actually tries to diet, he’ll lose more. He also added fish oil supplements to his diet which I’m trying, too. Fish oil is supposed to be good for those with joint pain like I often get. Even when I wasn’t working out I had joint pain at times, especially in the hips. I doubt it’s arthritis, but it is listed as one of the symptoms of my sleep disorder. Furthermore, fish oil seems to boost the metabolism, which makes you hungrier, thus causing weight loss. You just have to be careful not to give in to that hunger and eat more since you have to be hungry in order to lose weight. Like it or not the two go hand in hand.

There’s been a lot of loss lately. Kim and I lost our dads less than a month apart, and now I’ve lost my rat, Christine has lost her cat, and Alison lost a bird and a dog.

Aly and I can’t figure out what the hell the troll is up to. She peeked in on us the last two days but hasn’t blogged or contacted us. Is she trying to prove something? Or is Mommy really breathing down her neck that hard? As Aly said, it’s hard to believe she’s not blogging somewhere, but maybe she is and simply chose not to have it indexed by Google.

Can’t figure out what Maliheh is up to either. I knew that “promise” to keep in touch was a joke. I still can’t be sure if she’s playing with me or not, but since I’ve wondered this for so long now and have had this feeling for so long, I’d say that yeah, she’s “teasing” me by making me wait on her like Nane used to do. At first I thought I said or did something she didn’t like or she just got sick of me, but couldn’t figure out why she didn’t dump me if that were the case, but that would defeat the purpose. If my theory is correct, then she can’t string me along and make me wait on her if she dumps me. She may have a lot going on in her life, but she did before too, when I’d hear from her regularly. I don’t know if she planned this all along or if she really did get at least a little sick of me and decided this would be a fun game to play since she still wanted to remain friends.

I learned that “Jim’s” real name is Askim and that he’s some kind of technician. I like the name but it’s also funny. Askim. Ask him. Ask him to separate coffee filters for you, I told Nane, when you’re in the shower. I recently had a dream that I spent the day separating coffee filters for her while she was at work, so that’s where that one came from.

Anyway, she and I spoke every day this week except for Monday. :)

Got a busy day ahead today and not much to update on. The rat is still ill, my leg muscles are sore and so I’m taking a break from running today, and I have several things to do today. Even though I’m not going to pig out tomorrow, it wouldn’t surprise me if my weight “reset” itself back to where it was even if I keep dieting and exercising, but we’ll see. Still think my thyroid could be wacky.

Still waiting for either good news or bad news at work and it’s getting old. I hate this waiting game! We could know something today, but worst-case scenario we have to wait till next week.

It’s going to be a pleasant day out there today so I don’t expect it to be very peaceful.

Lost 4 pounds so far this week. Maybe those Fullbars I’ve been having really do help with weight loss. A weight-loss doctor created them and while they’re bland as hell and it’s like biting into Styrofoam, they at least seem to help. Then again, so does cutting calories and exercising. Don’t know how long it will last, though. A high-protein diet definitely helps with random cravings and hunger, but the last 4 hours of my day are tough.

Had a dream Andy joined Facebook and I told him, “Now don’t embarrass me here.”

He said, “I promise to behave, darling,” then somehow managed to insert an icon of the finger.

Yeah, we probably would say and do this too, LOL.

Irene commented after every comment I made on Nane’s wall recently, LOL.

Nane’s the only one so far who wasn’t that impressed with my singing. I thought Andy would say it sucked, but he said it was fine.

The troll was back yesterday, but again, Aly and I can’t figure out what’s up with her. It’s like she just wants to let us know she’s still alive or something, but not locked up anywhere. Just like last time she made a quick post saying she’d been sick for a week with the flu and only spent 15 minutes on my blog instead of 10 hours catching up like she would do even when there was nothing to catch up on.

Tom’s working weird hours so he’ll probably be exhausted when he gets in. He had his interview yesterday and still thinks he’ll be hired on. I hope so! If not, he could actually be laid off in about a week or less. He came home after just 6 hours yesterday. They’re still paying him for 8, but the reason is that because they’re so busy now, they sent him home so he could get some sleep and be prepared to work from midnight to noon. So he crashed right after he ate. I’m amazed he can do that. There’d be no way I could crash before at least 8pm and also no way I could work 12 hours on less than 4 hours of sleep. He’s amazing!

Getting a little apprehensive with April looming around the corner but not overly concerned (if it was a real cop who emailed me). I’m a little surprised I haven’t been harassed online. I thought they might resort to various scare tactics (the pigs) and do shit to make themselves visible on my tracker, send emails or messages on other sites with threats and ultimatums, etc. Whatever they do in the future I intend to ignore unless they either push me too far or leave me no choice by busting through these doors and literally hauling my ass out of here. I think they would’ve come here by now if they were going to do that, thus making their own lives more complicated, so all else should be easy enough to ignore. The last thing I would want to do would be to give them the reaction they wanted by expressing anger or showing fear. They aim to control and manipulate much in the way an abusive lover does. Only problem is that sadly this is legal, and when it’s not, they still get away with it anyway.

It seems I learn something new about Nane every time we talk. I thought she never had kids so she could do other things. Like travel. Instead, I learned that 12 years ago she got pregnant at 39 and was considered a high-risk pregnancy. Well, her baby girl died and she’s been afraid to get pregnant ever since. I guess she couldn’t have been that far along. They can tell the baby’s gender at just 12 weeks. Plus, I’ve seen close-ups of her tummy and there are no stretch marks. So I’d say she miscarried by the fourth month. I didn’t want to ask her. I could tell it was a touchy subject for her.

As of yet, not one single person commented on the link I left to me singing. I guess I must really suck, LOL. Hey, it was the best I could do by phone. Still, I was hoping people would at least say something even if it was to tell me it sucked.

The rat is continuing to deteriorate and I can’t figure out for the life of me how it is he’s managed to stay alive this long.

Tom didn’t learn anything new at work yesterday but he takes that as a good sign. Like the supervisor is going through the mandatory motions of interviewing everyone he doesn’t want for the job first. We hope so anyway. Over the next few weeks or less, he’s either gonna get hired on, given one of the positions he put in for but still as a temp, or he’ll be laid off.

Haven’t heard from the drama queen since she tried to tell me mom and dad told her to “give me what she wants.” Damn, I hope that’s not true! I don’t think it is and neither does Tom. Honestly, I’d rather my folks’ money be divvied up evenly between ALL 3 of us even if it meant Larry’s child-woman got some of it than for Tammy to get it all. Or most of it.

The rain is back but I don’t know if Jesse is.

Later…

It still amazes me just how much German I’ve learned even if I’m far from fluent and my grammar is still shaky. And I never “meant” to either. It is my one and only unplanned language, but I have found that most of the best things in life are unplanned anyway. Less than two years ago I knew about half a dozen German words. I never had the desire to learn the language and never found it pretty or interesting in any way. Then one day one article and one person I never met halfway around the world changed all that. Funny how these things happen. The not-so-funny part is that the more I concentrate on German and neglect my other languages, the more it hurts those other languages. I had to stop and think when saying something in Spanish earlier and I find that learning multiple languages can both help and confuse each other. Sometimes it’s hard to keep them separated. I’ll start to say something in one language and accidentally throw in a word from another language. I always wished I was one who could concentrate on perfecting one language and one language only, but instead I’m a real variety freak. I think if most people knew I spoke 5 languages and understood 4 more they would think I was utterly mad, LOL.

I feel so bad for my ratty. He’s getting weaker by the minute and is just totally deteriorating. I don’t think he’ll last another week. He can barely lift his poor little head and keep his eyes open. He’s wasting away since he doesn’t have the energy to eat.

I was really damn glad to be fit, strong and flexible a little while ago. I sprayed some air freshener and this Febreze stuff leaves a slick residue on the floor with the way it sprays a mist, unlike a powdery blast like Glade does. And yes, I’m going back to Glade after the Febreze is gone. It’s still the BEST line and the cheapest, I think. Anyway, even though I had my sneakers on my right foot started to slide out in front of me. I couldn’t pull that leg back in so, I ended up shifting my body so I was facing the tub, placed my hands on the side of it and ended up going down with my knees bent and my butt between my feet, a position I’ve always been able to sit in all my life whereas most people can only sit that way with their feet underneath their butts and not to the sides of it. Not a single bruise on me. I probably would’ve been hurt if I were tall or out of shape.

Maybe Dad is looking out for me, too. I’ll really wonder if Tom gets one of those positions at work. Yet as much as I wish Dad could return, things are going better for us and Nane has returned. I understand, though, that if she could dump me once, she could dump me twice and never come back, like I told Andy, but sometimes you gotta just take chances and enjoy the ride while it lasts. Not sure I’d want to go to the extremes he would, especially since I’m not single, but he thinks long-distance relationships suck cuz I can’t know if she smells, eats with her mouth open, has bad breath, bites her nails, etc. LOL, as I told him, if she does half these things then I’m even happier to keep her at a distance, though I can usually just ask her what I want to know. I understand his reasoning, though, especially for a single person.

If Nane suddenly showed up at the door I wouldn’t hesitate to let her in. So it isn’t that I wouldn’t want to meet her; it’s that I wouldn’t want potential trouble so close to home. Besides, that kind of spoils the fantasy when you try to make it a reality. Better to leave some things to the imagination sometimes. Reality is rarely what we imagine, hope or fantasize it to be anyway.

I think another reason I hesitate to meet women on the side is that I worry I might have a hard time separating my feelings from sex. I wouldn’t want to get too attached. I know my feelings for one person wouldn’t and couldn’t detract from my feelings for Tom, but he is my reality and I find it works best for me if I just keep the two separate. So Nane will remain forever in cyberspace and stories where she is much easier to control.

If it was someone I didn’t know but found attractive, that actually might be easier than doing it with Nane cuz I do have a degree of feelings for Nane. It’s hard not to after all we’ve shared about our lives and all that.

And since I’m not the sociable type, where would I meet these women? Looking for love/lust is like looking for objects. Seek and you shall NOT find. At least it’s always been that way for me. I always find things around here when I’m not looking for them. Just about all those I’ve had relationships with or just sex was unplanned “accidents,” including Tom. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time, let alone a guy. I just figured I’d have an occasional one-nighter with women throughout my life.

I hate to say it since it may sound stereotypical, but most people who go to bars or join dating services are NOT the kinds of people I want to be dealing with, even just for sex. I seem to have had a thing for foreign chicks anyway for the last few years, LOL. But if an “accident” happens that isn’t crazy or ugly, I just might take a chance even if I probably shouldn’t.

Well, our dicklord up the hill is back from wherever the hell he went based on the ATV I just heard. Now he’s really making up for lost time zooming back and forth up the hill. Just what is he doing??? This isn’t the dirt bike the kid sometimes gets on my nerves with, it’s definitely the ATV. Why do I have a feeling he’ll be down here any time now?

Some of Nane’s auto-corrected typos lately crack me up. Reminds me of Maliheh and how we were talking one night and all of a sudden I’d get something like: Sammy and I are running through glass doors.

I was like, WTF? Who’s Sammy and what do you mean you’re running through glass doors?

Speaking of Maliheh, I wonder what’s up with her? I hope she’s been getting my messages and was able to follow the singing link ok. Dani on Thoughts really loved my voice (I still think I’m just ok) so I know it’s working.

LOL, Nane just said don’t take it personally, I sound sweet, she can’t sing at all, but my writing is a lot better than my singing. She’s right on with that one! Still, I guess it’s a matter of opinion and I do appreciate her honesty.

Mitch just told me in Spanish I have the voice of an angel and I think Nane is now officially drunk, LOL. Just like I could tell when Andy would be high before he quit the weed, I can tell by Nane’s typing when she’s drunk.

I have had no desire to work on my book. I guess I’m officially retired as a creative writer or about to embark on a long leave of absence. Seems the only type of writing I’m up for these days is in my journal.

Nane sent me a picture in a PM of herself climbing rocks and hunting for shells and pebbles on a Turkish beach. I like it. :)

She didn’t say why, but she’s staying at a friend’s place for a few days. The friend has 2-year-old girl twins. Ugh! She says they wear glasses and are cute but keep you busy. They’d drive me batshit crazy, no doubt, LOL.

Tom feels much better than he did yesterday and is pretty sure he just had some kind of stomach bug. I’m glad he’s over it. Hopefully, there won’t be something else right around the corner. Poor guy seems to have one thing after another lately.

He also agrees Jesse’s gone somewhere. Not only was our Internet bill in the mailbox but so was one of his, suggesting someone came by and tossed it in there when they went to feed the mutts. I just hope he’s back soon. When he takes off, I’m the one that’s got to deal with it. Then again, when he does return he’ll only replace the mutts with himself and his loud vehicles. Those are harder to drown out with sound machines, too.

I left a voice post on LJ of me singing in Spanish and shared the link with Nane, Maliheh, Andy, Eileen, Christine, and Alison. It was just a quick verse and not overly good sound quality-wise since it was recorded over the phone, but it’s still ok.

It’s raining now even though it’s not supposed to. But that’s a good thing because while I’m sure I’ll have to hear at least some barking today, maybe he’ll hold off on bulldozing as much as the drive needs it. It’s only going to rain again during the last part of the week anyway. Or so they say.

I wish I had something interesting to update on, but it’s pretty much all a waiting game from here on out. I’ve decided that once we learn either way whether or not he gets hired on or laid off, I’ll let my closest friends know in a PM and not in any of my blogs. It’s just that I feel that blogging should be about my business and not the business of others. Within reason anyway.

Later…

So some guy in England, after spending just 7 seconds on my Thoughts profile page, goes and friends me even though I said on my wall there that I won’t accept friend requests from those I haven’t talked to before. Of all the features on that site, disabling friend requests isn’t one of them. Then again, neither is it on MyOpera.

I wish Facebook let you know when your messages are picked up like MySpace does so I could at least know if Nane’s read them. There’s been no activity on her page yet, though she’s most active online late at night. Still, I don’t expect to hear from her for a day or two.

I wonder about her and the guy she’s with. She seems to do absolutely nothing online during weekends unless he leaves earlier than usual and it makes me wonder (and worry a bit) if he’s some kind of control freak. I’d hate to think that he’s the jealous type and that’s not the impression my dreams leave me with nor does it seem anything she’d put up with, but who am I to know for sure? I don’t know the guy. Maybe they’re just so head over heels for each other that they really don’t want to do anything else or bother with anyone else, but it’s still something I wonder about at times. I hope for her sake he really is a good guy and that their relationship lasts forever. She and I could never be together (other than just for intimate encounters) even if she lived right down the street. Therefore, I hope someone else can truly love her and be there for her even if they never live together or anything like that.

Poor Tom might be sick again, this time with a stomach bug. He hasn’t had the runs or thrown up, but he’s got stomach pains, has been going from hot to cold, was coughing in his sleep, and wonders if he has a fever. My first thought was that something was trying to screw him out of being interviewed (I think that’s today or tomorrow) but he’s sure he’ll be ok as lousy as he feels. I hope so! We could know as soon as Wednesday if he gets hired, but might not know it for several weeks if he gets laid off. They’re not going to lay anyone off while they’re still busy.

Kim checked out my Thoughts blog yesterday like crazy, accessing almost every entry as if she were looking for something. I asked her about it and she said she was just looking to see if the troll had returned. Couldn’t she just ask me? I think she was looking to see if I mentioned her. She’s sort of been lying to Aly and I. She once complained about not having money and I thought to myself, well, she may not be the brightest, and she may even be a little on the naïve side for 31, but she’s able-bodied enough despite being ghastly overweight. So I asked if she was going to get a job. At one point I misunderstood her and thought she’d recently gotten a job, but then I noticed she never went into any detail about it and was vague. Never said what it is she does, what her hours are – nothing. Even Aly tried to fish it out of her, figuring she’d want to brag at least a little about her first paying job, even though she doesn’t drive and doesn’t live near a bus system, and finally, she said she was just a helper. This probably means just helping her mom who is a diabetic and has health problems, but at least that’s something.

I then remembered making the comment to Kim, when we were discussing the troll’s laziness, that it bothered me when those who are capable of working just sat on their asses. So that may be why she’s letting us think she works, though according to Aly, she’s collecting social security. I didn’t know this. I thought she was living off her folks, so I guess it’s good that she’s at least got some money of her own.

Aly said she’s got 3 other siblings and as much as she hates to say it, only one of them seems “normal.” Two are in group homes with the mentality of a 5-year-old, and Kim seems to be not all there based on how she types and the things she says and does. Aly finds it a bit creepy that she’s really into managing fan sites and roleplaying, pretending to be other people, and well, the stuff we usually do in our teens and twenties, LOL.

Speaking of the troll, Aly’s worried that when she finally does return it will be with a vengeance. This is the longest she hasn’t harassed anyone, but it’s because she hasn’t been online. The two do go hand in hand. If she’s online, she’s harassing people. But what we don’t get is how her mom’s managing to keep her away as strong-willed as the troll can be. Sooner or later they’re going to look the other way or she’s going to get sick of being controlled, right? As Aly said, though, too much time offline can make her just as angry as too much time online can. She’s going to be spewing hate like crazy when she does get back. I don’t give a damn what she says about me, but I know others would prefer not to be trashed and bashed online, especially with their full names involved. Either way, I don’t know what to think at this point. If it weren’t for that one post left on the 17th to say she’s been busy reading and walking to Kmart, almost as if she just wanted people to know she was still alive and wasn’t in the funny farm, I would think she was in the funny farm or jail.

I don’t know what the Internet will be like in 20-30 years, but I fear that when her parents get too old to babysit her, that’s when she’ll be at her worst. You simply cannot “uncrazy” a crazy person. You can help a troubled person, but not one who’s genuinely sick in the head with no concept of right or wrong.

The more I think about what Tammy told me about being told to give me what she wants, the more I realize just how full of shit she is. Shame on her for thinking I’m that dumb that I wouldn’t think it sounded fishy as hell, but I agree with Tom, she just wants to get me going. My parents have been mean and a lot of other things, but they’re definitely not dumb. They wouldn’t just trust her like that. Also, the lawyer has to contact those in the will to tell them what they’re getting, so if I’m to get 10K and I only get a check for 5K, I’ll know I’ve been ripped off. I still don’t think I’ll get anything, though. Just isn’t meant to be, but that’s ok as long as we can pay for the necessities. Neither of us wants to ever own anything again other than our car and personal stuff. No houses, no businesses, nothing like that.

I’m beginning to wonder if either something happened to Jesse or if he took off somewhere for a while because the barking has been way worse since last Thursday. Also, the weather may not be Harley-worthy, but why haven’t I heard that old truck? Yet there’s been nothing from him, only his mutts. And they don’t just sound scared to be alone, as usual, but there’s a sense of abandonment in their barks. Yelling at them didn’t do me any good and I had to throw on my sound machine. Typical of Westerners or not, I still don’t see how most human beings would find this acceptable.

I really, REALLY hope this isn’t an issue in an adult community and that it isn’t incessant or frequent there, and yes, there is a difference. So what if the dog next door barks just a few times if it does it 6-12 times a day. I just hope there are no issues with age, credit or anything else that could prevent us from getting in.

Worst case scenario we save to buy some old dump in a trailer park cuz then we’d at least own it outright and not have to worry about payments. Then we could have some control over what happened when and do what we want with it. That’s the only thing I don’t like about renting is having to ask permission if we wanted to paint, wallpaper, etc. Makes me feel like a kid again. But I don’t want to own if it can’t be all paid for.

The fucking dogs have been going off since I got up, and Tom will be off to work in a few hours. Meanwhile, I’m feeling many things right now. I’m hopeful for Tom getting a permanent position this week, though afraid to get that hopeful. I’m excited about the thought of moving, though trying not to get too excited. I’m determined to get back on the treadmill and get some of this damn weight off, though not too optimistic in that department. I’m happy to think and fantasize about Nane and her lovely smile that shows off her high cheekbones, but sorry I can never meet her.

I’m longing to dump my sister, but hesitant to do so for mom’s sake. As Tom pointed out, my mom may be a bitch, but even those who aren’t nice deserve a break after losing their husband of 62 years. Well, as soon as mom joins him on the other side I will be quick to wash my hands of what remains of my fucked up “family.”

I can’t wait! I just can’t fucking wait! Right or wrong, I am sooo sick of the family bullshit and I can’t wait to forever walk away from all the bickering and the horrible memories. I walked away for 10 years for a reason and if what happened hadn’t happened to us in 2007, I wouldn’t have called my folks at all. But desperate people do desperate things in desperate situations. And Tom and I were certainly desperate at the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate my parents saving our asses like they did, and I’m not going to “re-dump” my mother. Just the siblings and extended family once mom goes. Then again, there is no brother or extended family to dump since I’m not in touch with them anyway. It’s just the sister I gotta be concerned with. My sister, who is as mean and vindictive as she is sweet and kind, depending on if she’s pissed at you or not. She’d be the first to come running if I were suddenly drowning in quicksand. But she’d also be the first to toss me right into it if she was pissed at me, and that’s scary. Fortunately, all she managed to do was stress me out and annoy me the last time she got pissed at me in 2009 because she didn’t know where we live (and get herself a lifelong illness thanks to my influencing ability). Yeah, people get sick that piss me off even if I don’t want them to. Anyway, had she known where we were she’d have called the cops with some bullshit and sent them to our door. It wouldn’t have done her any good in the end once they saw we hadn’t done anything, but still, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with this bitch and that’s nothing anyone should put up with if they don’t have to. I don’t have to right now, but I choose to for mom’s sake, and just in case we may get a little something when she dies. If I dump her now she’ll go running to Mom about it, then Mom will get on my ass since Tammy will make up a million lies along the way instead of saying that I simply walked away from her, and my mother and I don’t need that shit.

Tom pointed out that she could be lying about the will just to push my buttons. He reminded me that a will is a legal document drawn up by a lawyer and so it’s very important that they be very specific in how it’s worded. In other words, a lawyer can’t simply write: Cut the oldest kid out and let the middle kid give the younger kid whatever she wants.

I still don’t expect much if anything at all that would go against the “plan.” Therefore, I expect to always live in NorCal and I definitely don’t expect to buy a house, but I wouldn’t want to do that without being able to buy it outright anyway.

It makes no sense, though. Again, why would she worry about Larry getting anything if she knew he’d been cut from the will a few years ago? If what she says is true, what the hell were my parents thinking when they told her to give me what she wants?! Like she’d give me shit? Yeah, right! She’d keep it all for herself if she could and so would I. I ain’t gonna lie about that one. We’re all naturally selfish that way.

Even if she did decide to be generous enough to float me a tiny chunk of the 50 or so grand she’ll probably get to keep all for herself, I hate to give her whatever address we’re at at the time. I really do. And I know she’s going to try to hunt me down online when she sees I’ve “disappeared,” so I’ll close as many ports as I can. I didn’t know about blog sites that let you block messages back in 2009, but since that’s a more common feature now on most sites, I’ll make sure I only blog on sites she can’t harass me on cuz if she reads any of this shit you bet she’ll try! She isn’t going to care that I don’t use last names. Just as long as she knows I’m talking about her, that’ll be enough to light the bitch’s fuse, though I won’t deny the idea of her one day reading this amuses me. If she does.

We may never be rich in money but we will always be rich in love and so people like Tom, Nane, Andy, Alison and other friends really help to make up for the family that has basically treated me like shit since day one.

Got a reply to Tammy’s message asking if she had any idea what we could expect as far as inheritance goes and I did not like her answer. After she again bitched about Larry and how Lisa blasted him out when she was in Florida with her for a few days, and how her other kids called him and his bitch every name in the book for what he “thinks she did to him years ago,” she told me Larry had been cut out of the will as of a few years ago and hasn’t been added back in that she knows of. She also claims she has no idea how much money they have and that she was told to give me what she wanted.

Give me what she wanted?! Were my folks out of their mind when they said this?! I like the idea of the pervert being locked out of it if that’s even true, but how could they be dumb enough to trust her?! And why would they cut their own son out? Then again, isn’t that a dumb question to be asking? I mean, how could they send their own daughter away and do the things they’ve done to all their kids, right?

So, in other words, I ain’t getting shit if they really think they can trust her to “give me what she wants.” Come on, we’re only human. She ain’t gonna wanna share or give me shit. I wouldn’t give her anything. Maybe material things I didn’t want and couldn’t sell, but that’s about it.

But why would she talk about keeping the pervie away from mom’s money even if it meant going to court if she knew he’d been written out of the will? Either way, Tammy is totally untrustworthy and a habitual liar, and if it really is true that my parents entrusted the bitch to just give me what she wants, we ain’t getting shit. But deep down I knew this and that any significant money would be against the “plan.” You know, the one where we’re meant to be poor most of our lives. But as long as we have enough to pay for necessities, extra money isn’t overly important cuz we don’t intend to buy a place.

It’s hard to believe she has no idea how much money they have, though. But like I said, no matter what it is, it looks like she’ll get it all. There’s no way she’d be honest about it. Hell, I wouldn’t be. The only thing I like is the idea of the pedophile and child-woman with God knows what kind of daddy issues, as Aly said, being cut out.

Ok, so am I really wrong to assume we won’t get shit? Tom said not to read too much into it or jump the gun, but I know what’s in and not in our cards for the most part. Love is, money isn’t. So just like we could with his own parents’ inheritance, the potential partnership in Oregon, the program he wrote, and God knows what else, we can kiss the prospect of money goodbye. Little will they ever know that being poor does have its advantages even if we’re not quite there right now.

Later…

Tom’s out grocery shopping now and I finished the laundry.

The rat is still alive but is blind and seems to be only able to eat soft foods. So he is eating after all. He came out of his burrow for a drink, but all he does is sleep for the most part. No more coming to the door to be let out, no more fidgeting in his cage. It’s sad.

Even though my weight is still up, my inches are down a bit. What I don’t get is why my boobies are still sore after my period? They feel like they’re going to burst through my bra. This is unusual for me.

And why didn’t I have any dreams about the car crash Andy was in yesterday? Thankfully he’s ok. Apparently, his brakes failed and he plowed through someone’s garage and really demolished it. Tons of heavy shit fell onto the car. It wasn’t his regular car, though. It was his mother’s station wagon that he uses for canning. Everybody couldn’t wait to see the damage once the car was towed, but amazingly it only had a few dents and scratches! So his mom’s insurance will pay for the garage and all he has to do is pay for the damage to the car, which hopefully won’t be too hard on him. I’m just glad he’s ok!

Strangely enough, while I didn’t have any bad dreams about him, I “saw” the vase Nane bought and “Jim’s” height in a dream where we went to a fair and she got this vase.

She also cracked me up earlier saying my German was quite ok, but my Turkish was lousy. LOL, that it is. The two words I may know I only learned by accident from her.

She flattered me by saying she likes my writing style. This is a compliment from anyone, but when it comes from someone you’re crushing on it doubles the pleasure. :)

Last week they talked about Tom working Saturday, but that never happened. This week, however, he’s working Sunday (tomorrow). That’s all well and good as we like the extra money, but we REALLY hope he gets that job. No bad vibes, visions or dreams on my part, but hey, not everyone like me “sees” it all. According to him, the area he’s hoping to get into is secure. Meaning it makes up for ¾ of the place and wouldn’t be in danger of being shut down. He still says we’d be ok if he did get laid off and reminded me that the license, insurance and what will soon be hopefully our last propane fill-up, will be expenses that will be out of the way, leaving everything else for food, rent, gas, internet and savings. The goal is to get the hell out in July, August at the latest, and to do this it would greatly help for him not to be laid off, then stuck with a minimum wage job God knows how many more weeks/months later.

If what Tammy says is true I’m so fucking pissed even though it’s no surprise. I’m tempted to walk away from her now, but then I REALLY wouldn’t get anything. At least if I play nicey-nicey just a little longer until mom goes, maybe then she’ll at least be “generous” enough to share a grand or two.

The only disturbing dream I had isn’t really all that disturbing because it was so off the wall and didn’t involve the freeloaders. I guess someone from kindergarten tried to frame me for something they did, LOL. They used my name (like they would remember it even if I still used my maiden name) and I was pleading with them on the phone to tell the pigs the truth or else I could end up on probation for the rest of my life.

Later…

Ok, this is freaky. Really fucking freaky. And hopefully not some evil omen of some kind either. A character in the book I’m reading, though not a lead character, has the same name as the pig that screwed me. And he’s a pig! Only he’s pigging in Florida in the book.

Boy, did I get a real treat for the eyes yesterday when Nane changed her profile picture on Facebook for the first time since we met a year and a half ago. :) Andy said he didn’t like the picture because it’s blurry and she’s looking downward, but I think it’s great. It’s not clear enough to show any wrinkles and she looks very happy in it. Love how her hair looked too, even though it’s wavy. Don’t know if it’s natural, though. She might actually have straight hair. I also think her natural color may be dark brown and not light brown.

I asked and she confirmed she’s been wearing contacts for years. I figured she couldn’t have perfect vision to go with her perfect body. Nobody’s that blessed, LOL.

The dogs ended up barking for over 5 hours. But we’ll still get to live where we don’t have to hear other people’s dogs someday after having to listen to them for 20 years, right?

Customary here or not, I cannot deal with many more years of getting hit with 6-8 hours of barking once or twice a week. I simply cannot! If we end up stuck here or end up moving to the same old shit, we’ve got to do something. A cyber-friend said she had the same problem with her own landlord till she complained and the landlord was told to either shut them up or get rid of them. Well, since most people wouldn’t dare bring their dogs indoors and make them part of the family, he opted to just get rid of them.

But this was a whole ‘nother state. My landlord has already been officially complained on, probably by whoever’s behind him, and look what good it’s done. In the West, all he would have to tell those who are supposed to make people think their responsibility as a dog owner ends when they go out is, “I do my best to quiet them when I’m home, but when I’m not home there’s nothing I can do about it.”

That’s the lame crap he told us. But there IS something he could do about it. If he’s that against the thought of making them household pets, he could at least muzzle the fucking mutts. There are muzzles that will still allow them to eat and drink somewhat. Or what about anti-barking collars? But this cock doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and so the people either gave up or moved. And if they moved, chances are the new people have dogs that are doing the same thing since that’s what most people do out here; they leave their dogs outside like yesterday’s trash and to hell with their neighbors. But this rudeness is widely accepted and tolerated in the West. The barking doesn’t even bother Tom. As a western native, he grew up with this shit. Well, I didn’t! And I don’t expect it’ll do us any good in this state, but I fully do intend to call the complaint line anonymously if we get stuck here. After all this time I don’t see how he would suspect we’re the ones that called.

I suspect he goes to bars when he takes off from around 7:30 - 8:30 and doesn’t return till after 2am. At his age, I doubt he’s going out to meet anyone, and he’s never seemed to want that anyway. He seems to really like being alone, especially after complaining about having “too many wives” in the past and how they all stole his money.

The good Jessie, the female one that’s been my friend since childhood messaged me yesterday and told me Renting Ginny is great so far. She’s been reading it as time permits. She says she can’t wait to find out what happens next. I’m glad she likes it cuz other than sharing with friends I’ve totally failed as an author.

This is the third or fourth day I haven’t worked out, thanks to allergies and the cramps I should’ve gotten yesterday and not today. Tom probably had a case of bad allergies as opposed to a cold since I haven’t had anything other than allergies. I had to take a Benadryl for it, and at 8:30 when it was just about ready to knock me out for a nap, the dogs went off. When Jesse didn’t come out and shut them up, I figured he ran out somewhere. But when I woke up at nearly 11pm, they were still going crazy so no getting any peace tonight. Fucking bastard won’t be back till the wee hours of the morning knowing him. But why tonight? He rarely goes out on a Thursday night. I hope the little cock doesn’t go out on both Friday and Saturday nights as well!

And so I found myself asking the same question I’ve been asking for 20 years now – am I ever going to live where I don’t have to listen to other people’s dogs???

I still worry something up there is going to undo all we’ve worked so hard to build up by having him laid off. This will be a good test, I guess, as to just how much Dad may be looking out for us cuz nothing else usually does. I don’t want to think negatively but I don’t want to get my hopes up either. Even Tom says he doesn’t want to get overconfident and he’s usually a pretty optimistic person. He also swears getting laid off won’t be a big setback for us since we’re getting things paid off now. Instead of paying every few months, he paid the entire year of car insurance off. The weather will be warming up soon enough so we won’t need to run the heat. Plus, he says it shouldn’t be more than a few weeks till he got something new now that the economy is better.

I disagree. If God lets him get laid off it’s for a reason and that can only be to set us back. I think it would take more than just a few weeks to get another job and that God would make sure unexpected things came up to set us back.

I still wonder if we’re gonna be stuck here forever unless we practically drop everything, take only the bare necessities and what we can fit in the car, and then run. Just not sure where we would run to and what we would do to get by till he got a job. I just know I don’t want to keep going through this cycle of bullshit till he retires. No, we wouldn’t be even remotely close to desperate if he got laid off cuz we could collect unemployment. But we don’t want to “collect.” I didn’t come here to be a bum and neither did he. I’m tired of God, fate, society and other things beyond our control deciding what we can be and what’s meant for us. We want to be in the driver’s seat of our own life for once!

But a permanent position, as rare as they are these days, doesn’t necessarily grant you any more security. Not if that job has the threat of not being around indefinitely. If they’re shutting down the area he’s working in now they could shut down any other area as well. Yet there are no guarantees in life no matter what you do. If you have your own business, your customers aren’t guaranteed. If you work for someone else, their customers aren’t guaranteed either. Everyone’s always at risk.

It seems just about everyone has been affected by the economy somehow, including my folks. Their biggest mistake was overspending. No doubt about it. My mom is a very materialistic woman who loves to shop and I think they blew the bulk of their inheritance living too high off the hog. But as Dad said when the economy was at its worst, they couldn’t even save and what they could save had to go to medical expenses not covered by Medicare. I doubt she’s living paycheck to paycheck now that Dad’s expenses are gone and the economy’s picking up, but who knows how much they owe on things and what medical costs she could be looking at? I doubt she’ll sell the store till she absolutely has to. By then she’ll probably sell the condo too, and either go live with someone else or in some kind of assisted living program for seniors.

While things are looking up for us, things are looking down for our rat. We still can’t figure out what’s wrong with him. At first I thought he was just arthritic since he is old. It started with him walking funny. He sort of hopped like a bunny. Then he started wasting away and I thought it was cancer. But none of this explains the blindness and his constant movements. Rats are normally pretty animated, but no rat of ours has ever been this fidgety. Whatever it is seems to be affecting his mouth because he’d always lick our hand when we’d pat his head and he doesn’t even do that anymore. He just wanders blindly around his cage, not eating and not wanting to come out anymore. Where is he getting the energy to be this active if he’s not eating? He’s practically starving himself. All we can be sure of is that he’s never going to get over what he’s got, and if he did he still couldn’t have much more time left due to his age.

We looked up home euthanasia remedies for small animals to save money and to let him go in familiar surroundings without some stranger poking and prodding at him. This involves a mixture of baking soda and vinegar. However, we’re not convinced he’s actually suffering in any way so we’re not going to bother preparing a kit. Why take what time he has left even though he doesn’t have much of a life? He can’t see, he can’t eat, he can’t do anything. The worst-case scenario is that he’s depressed and frustrated but definitely doesn’t appear to be suffering.

The troll thing is getting stranger by the minute. Yes, I love the break I’ve been getting from her which is part of why I went “underground” and the others don’t miss her either. But since when has her mother ever watched her this closely? It makes me wonder what’s up, but obviously she wasn’t locked up anywhere since before making the last quick post a few days ago unless she chose not to mention it for some reason and that’s hard to believe. It’s nice to know she’s at least gone from harassing people to reading and walking to Kmart like she said she’s been busy doing since she’s too lazy to get a job.

This part can’t go online cuz knowing how twisted the laws are and how warped the pig’s priorities are, I’d say that yeah, they’re reading everything I post. Wouldn’t want them to consider trying to sue me for God knows what if they think we’ve suddenly got a lot of money and they can’t get me on anything criminal (next month I should have a better idea of this), even though that’d be civil court and not criminal court, and I highly doubt the black bitch would have the money to hire a lawyer anyway. But the troll’s parents seem like they might so that’s part of why I started omitting real names, even if they were just first names. After all, they offered to pay for me to “consult” with a lawyer, remember?

There was a meeting at work that Tom said was almost too good to be true. I guess it was headed by some lady connected with Human Resources. Anyway, the meeting consisted of him, another lady who’s a temp, and a permanent guy who’s been there 5 years. Could’ve been more people, but that’s all I remember him mentioning. The woman said to Tom and the other lady, “I could call the temp company now and tell them your assignment has ended, but we’re just so impressed with the work you’ve done that we really want to try to get you other jobs.”

So Tom mentioned that he put in for Handler 3 (the highest of that position) and the other temp wants TRO (I forgot what that stands for). What was weird is that the permanent who’d been there 5 years wants Handler 2. So even though he’s been there longer and is a permanent, he wants a job under Tom, who’s still a temp and has only been there half a year? LOL, again life ain’t fair. It’s just nice when it’s not fair in our favor for once.

The Human Resources lady pulled him aside and told him the supervisor in the Handler 3 department wanted him for the job which he already knew, but that the supervisor was still told by his higher-up that he still had to accept apps, and then he could choose.

So unless something is hell-bent on teasing the hell out of us, it looks very promising for him, though I wouldn’t expect a raise. Insurance, yes, but not a raise since he already makes a lot of money. In fact, from what he can tell he’s just about the highest-paid employee there.

I am trying to think of the good things I have going for me in life instead of the things that piss me off so damn much that I just had to pump iron like I did just now with my resistance bands to try to work some of this steam off.

Oh, before I get to the more important and better things and people in my life, as God would have it (what a coincidence) I can’t collect disability for any kind of disability because I didn’t work enough quarters in the past to be eligible, so we’ve learned. One more thing to resent God for and that convinces me He doesn’t want me generating any on my own. I can sell things, I can win things, and I can make a few bucks here and there as long as it’s slave wages, but nothing more. This both saddens and infuriates me. But like it or not, the idea of “disability” is for those who can “no longer” work. What we can’t figure out is what the hell kind of disability I was on when I was young. I know I got on it through my father and that it may have had to do with his heart or my ear, but there’s got to have been more to it than that. I will admit that there are more important things going on right now anyway.

On to better things, and that’s hoping that one of these permanent positions comes through and he won’t have to take a pay cut. Not much of one anyway. I also hope whatever they offer for insurance and dental is affordable too, and that we get the hell out of Trailerville. Yes, a trashy old trailer is better than the streets, but I feel both insulted and humiliated to know that this is all God has felt we deserved for so long. At least we don’t seem to be towards the top of His hate list lately. When you get the sadness of losing dad and the family drama out of the picture, life is actually going quite well. It was even quiet today despite being mostly sunny and dry, though I’ll admit I didn’t get up till 3pm. What sucks is knowing I’ll probably be on days when Jesse gets to bulldozing the drive, but boy does it need it.

Amazingly, the rat is still alive. I still don’t think he’ll make a full recovery, though, due to his age. He’s definitely, if not totally blind, then partially blind. He’s moving around more in his cage but still doesn’t eat much or want to come out anymore. I’m guessing that’s because he can’t see well. He’s not even fat anymore and has probably lost half his body weight. I doubt he even weighs a pound now. I went down a couple of pounds, too.

My German hottie and I have decided to write to each other in German. Well, I may mix both English and German, LOL, depending on how long/important it is or if I’m pressed for time. Still have to look up words here and there, but that’s how you learn.

Apparently, I talked her into switching to a Timeline profile. I know some people consider them a bit cluttered, but I like them way better. It’s much more organized and I love changing cover photos every few days. In fact, it’s time to change it again!

Later…

Although I don’t have any bad vibes and haven’t had any bad dreams, you would think that given our past history, we should have every reason to worry right now. I didn’t realize it was so all or nothing where Tom’s job is concerned. I thought they were just moving his department, but nope. They’re shutting it down completely. This means that if he isn’t hired on for one of the jobs he applied for, we’ll be back on unemployment for the FORTH time in less than 5 years in about a month from now unless he can find something else before then. But God couldn’t really hate us that much, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Who the hell am I kidding by thinking He’s looking out for us after all the nightmares we’ve already been through? Yes, He really could hate someone enough to see them lose their job yet again, end up back in the poorhouse, lose all their savings, and continue to be stuck in their trashy little trailer no matter how hard they try to get ahead and break away. And why not? He’s let worse things happen to others.

But despite the fact that Tom says he’s pretty sure the chances of him getting laid off is 10% or less since the supervisor who does the choosing already told him he wanted him for one of the positions he put in for, now is when God would pick on us. The “stage” is totally set based on past patterns/experiences. The timing is right, the savings is right, and it’s always right when we start to get ahead that He yanks the carpet from underneath us. He doesn’t have to do it again. Instead, He could see to it that Tom got one of the jobs and that we could continue to save and get the hell out of here. But I know I can’t count on or trust God or any other outer source to do well by us.

Like I said, though, the timing is perfect. This is usually right around when things fall apart based on how many months things have gone well and what our savings is like right now. If He’d let Tom be laid off a few months ago we wouldn’t have made it because we couldn’t get unemployment until April, and I’ve always suspected that while He may sure do a good job of making it look like we’re not going to make it, He wants us to live to suffer. Well, it’s just about April. So we would live if they laid him off. We probably wouldn’t suffer as badly as a year ago since the economy is picking up and he could probably get a job within a month or two, but that would still be quite a setback. Especially if all he could get was a minimum-wage job.

Tom said this all-or-nothing thing is actually a good thing cuz now he’s not left hanging to wonder if he’s going to get hired on or laid off. Next week, we’ll know for sure either way. And they’re not gonna lay him off the day they tell him they’re going to if they really do come out and tell him that. It’d be about a month.

He feels confident that he’ll not only get one of the jobs but that they’ll judge the applicants fairly based on experience and not how young or dark they are, because so many employers (of all colors) are so obsessed with “avenging” the past for the previously oppressed, giving them first dibs on everything. I guess all we can do is hope the supervisor who said he wanted him for that job will keep his word, and that we don’t get caught up in the same old endless cycle of alternating between unemployment and temp jobs that went on for 4 years. But it seems that the less deserving you are, the more breaks you get in life, and I always get suspicious when things go well for us. Meaning, I just get that too-good-to-be-true feeling. I wish I could just be happy when things go well, and I am, but I also fear there’s a catch to it. As I said before, I don’t mind if I’m destined to be poor all my life. But at least let us pay for the necessities and have some insurance for God’s sake! A real house would be nice too, instead of dumpy little trailers.

If he gets laid off we’ve got to get the hell out of this state. We’ve got to. Running won’t change our fate and make God show a little more love for us, but that may be the only way out of this trailer and to a permanent job, even if it pays shitty and the climate sucks. We couldn’t go to Florida because the job market there is pretty similar to here. We’d have Andy in Massachusetts and health/dental coverage, though with our shit luck, they would take that away the day we got there. MA is also more crowded than a place like Nebraska and so it would have a higher unemployment rate. Nebraska is probably where we’d go. It not only has the lowest unemployment rate there but Alison and Dustin would probably help us out till we got on our feet. We don’t have enough hotel money right now. Meaning, it wouldn’t last us long enough before he got a job and us unto a place. So with nowhere to go and not enough hotel money, we couldn’t just blindly run off without thinking it through first and without having someone to help us get started. Other than my sister, that is. Sure, she’d help us, and sure Tom could work with her husband in their little home improvement business. But then we’d be screwed as hell as soon as she got pissed at us for whatever. No thanks. :)

I’m hoping that the Italy trip I won is a sign that we’re meant to go on it because that would mean he’d be meant to get a permanent job this year because the trip is set to expire in 2014. Most trips you win give you a year to take them. But this one was 7 years. Could it be because we really are meant to take it? Well, they better give him a job if we are!

He’ll have to jump on the IRS and try to work out a payment plan with them if he does get a job. As a temp, they can’t take what we still owe. But as a permanent, they could wipe our bank accounts clean and help themselves to whatever. We’re not as important as those in other countries.

Later…

Been thinking and this whole pedophile/bimbo situation pisses the shit out of me. But I like to vent. Ah, a 58-year-old slut and his 21-year-old bimbo which he knocked up. But that’s not the issue. I don’t judge people for their lifestyle even if I disagree with it, and I do. BUT…if they want to screw up their lives and each other, let them. But the thought of them making off with some of my mom’s money when she goes REALLY pisses me off.

If the ped were still single or with Sandy it wouldn’t bother me as much unless he got more than I did or was rich. Sandy was one of the sweetest people you could ever know. Everybody loved her. Not one person in the family ever had anything bad to say about her. She was a very open, accepting, and all-around sweet person. She was easygoing and was always quick to compliment you and encourage you to go for your goals/dreams, far-fetched or not. I just can’t picture her cheating or being a “bad wife” in any way. All lust dies with time and age, all of it. Doesn’t mean you end up thinking the person’s ugly, but keeping the lust going forever is like keeping the same favorite song all your life. It just doesn’t usually work that way. So for Larry to throw away such a good person just because she got older (never got fat like most of us do, though) for a 20-second orgasm here and a 20-second orgasm there goes to show just how fucked in the head the bastard really is. Well, I want a 20-second orgasm too, dammit, with Nane, but then what? Throw true love away for this smoking, traveling partial bitch who won’t turn her music down? I don’t think so!

I would rather the ped and his bimbo win millions of dollars in the lottery than for this near stranger to get some of the family money. That’s what bothers me. Not where they live, not what they do. Most people would agree that 58 is too old and 21 is too young to have a kid, but that’s their prerogative. If the bimbo wants to be naïve enough to make the mistake of thinking the ped is suddenly faithful and capable of love, that’s her mistake to make. If the ped wants to leave a kid fatherless when it’s only around 20, let him. But mom might as well give a portion of her money to a stranger on the street if she’s going to give it to him, and thus to her as well if they’re still together when she goes. I still don’t think we’re getting more than a few grand each, and yeah, it’s mom’s money, but it still bothers me. This child-woman is simply not “family.” Not like her kids and the other spouses, though I don’t know about Mark. Knowing my sister’s fondness for abusive men I don’t know if he’s any more deserving than the child-woman. It’s just hard to believe mom wouldn’t leave something to the grandkids as well as her parents did, even if it’s only a grand or two. Well, if the pervert hits half a dozen more home runs before mom goes, that’s less money for those who deserve it and who may need it most. We’re the family underdogs most of the time, not them. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that they’re doing damn good for themselves even though I don’t know what the hell it is they’re doing and I don’t care. The world is twisted and unfair. But since no one’s gonna boot the bun out of the oven and castrate the ped, all I can do is hope the will excludes grandkids. The child-woman would get enough of it as it is.

I’m not as pissed as I was last night, though I am still pissed. My God was I pissed last night, though I’m amazed at just how much pumping iron released a lot of that steam. Based on the force and what it would equate to in weight as I shorted the resistance bands to near nothing, I had to have lifted around 200 pounds that’s how pissed I was.

LOL, since being back with Nane, Irene’s dumped me and I haven’t heard from Christiane.

Nane corrected my German, which I’m just about ready to give up on. I’ve learned a lot of vocabulary but I still keep fucking up my grammar.

She surprised me by telling me she once found a nest of mice on her balcony with 4-5 baby mice in it. All were dead but one. So she put it in a box and tried to save it by giving it a few drops of milk but it was dead when she returned from work. She felt sorry for it. I’m surprised she’d try to save it because usually when one doesn’t like rats, they’re usually afraid of them. And mice. But a baby mouse is a lot less scary to most people than a rat the size of a guinea pig.

Speaking of rats, just what in the world is mine doing??? He fidgets constantly. I’m amazed at all this movement given his condition, but I wish he’d settle down a bit more and not be so distracting.

Andy said his mom read the first 30 pages of my book but didn’t like it. Said it reminded her of Danielle Steele and she can’t get into that kind of thing. LOL, it’s the first time I’ve ever been compared to Danielle Steele, but no problem. We can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s a good thing I didn’t print anything for her after all. I really figured she wouldn’t like my book.

He had sort of a backward dream where he went over to his mother’s place and found her dead in her bed. She’d been stabbed in the heart. But before she died she apparently tried to clean up the wound because there was dried blood in the bathroom sink. Then the dream showed how it happened and a girl approached her sliding glass door. Well, the “girl” was really me and I guess I’m the one that stabbed her. Andy said it was a terrifying dream that seemed so real and he couldn’t figure out why I would do such a thing. LOL, his mom’s quite a likable lady. A bit gossipy at times like my own mom, but I’ve always liked her.

Like most women my age, I’ve got some gray in my hair. But dying it is frying the hell out of it so bad that it would look horrible long. So I guess I’ll have to decide what I want most – long and gray or short and brown. Maybe I should keep letting it grow but just not dye it as often.

Did some digging out of curiosity on the brother-fucker’s child-woman. Couldn’t find much cuz the two are apparently rather private.

I still don’t know if the “great-grandchild” mentioned in the obit was Jen’s kid or even if Jen really does have a kid, but I was wrong in assuming the brother-fucker and his child-woman already had a kid and were still in MA. The child-woman is “counting down the days till Larry holds their newborn” so she said on a site that suggests she is beyond obsessed with the idea of having a kid. Also, last fall they moved to the Ft. Lauderdale area south of my mother, which explains why he could spend so much time at her place. This was because it was “best for their relationship.” Yeah, I would think so if I’d been committing statutory rape for many years. I would think the child-woman’s family would be on her ass big time about being with someone nearly 30 years older and that would leave her widowed at around my age if they get married, not that he would stay with her that long. I know Larry, a happily admitted slut who’s had a million affairs just while he was with Sandy alone. As soon as she gets a little older, he’ll drop her like a hot potato. This girl is young and naïve in every sense of the word. If he couldn’t be faithful to anyone else, why would he be to her? Or is she just too stupid to realize just what a slut he is? And while we may not be able to help those we love, and some would rather take some time with them than no time, why would you want a baby whose father will be dead when it’s only around 20?

The child-woman looks eerily like a young Sandy; dark and plain. Her FB profile is almost all private with no method of contact present. This doesn’t surprise me as I really think the perve not only abandoned Sandy but his daughter as well. With the exception of sex, he’s always preferred the company of his own gender and I really think he favored Larry Jr. over Jen big time because Larry was a boy. So he would tell his child-woman to close all ports so Jen couldn’t tell her what a fool she is, along with members of her own family.

Even though I’ve only talked to Jen a few times when she was 10 and saw her a few times as a baby, I can just imagine how awkward it must feel to watch her father run down to Florida with someone younger than her and end up having a kid 30 years younger than her.

On the baby site where pregnant women and moms post things about their kids and all that, she’d comment on tons of pictures of baby furniture and accessories and the main highlight of her comments was basically, “I want, I want, I want.” And where does she think she’s going to come up with the money for all these things? The thought of a pervert and some naïve bimbo with a child living it up while my husband and I live like bums in a trashy old trailer really has a way of turning my animosity for God up a notch. They’ve no doubt got insurance while I can only dream of being insured and getting my sleep disorder officially diagnosed and my disability reinstated, but that’s another thing I have bad news about which I’ll get to later.

All this kid’s naïve and no doubt false ideas about motherhood (she seems to think it will be all fun and games) and all her aaahs and ooohs are going to turn to screams real fast when she’s up all night with the kid screaming only to find that the cradle robber she loved and trusted so much is out getting drunk and doing some male bonding at some bar while checking out kiddy ass…

She doesn’t seem to know the gender. Oh, I hope it’s a girl! I really do!

When I ran her name I was sent to a site that accumulates sites she’s associated with or that has info on her, some of which you have to pay for. While she has no blogs that I could find a tag cloud appeared and one of the names mentioned was Tammy. As in my sister Tammy?

The thought of that pervert and his mistress getting any inheritance really burns me up. Tom pointed out that it’s mom’s money and therefore she has the right to do what she wants with it and that we’re not entitled to anything and should see anything we might get as a bonus, but it’s not that easy to think that way. Technically he may be correct even though some would say I deserve it after the shit she’s put me through. I still think the money’s draining fast and that they probably owe money on stuff (why else would we have found online that they took loans out on some things?) and that we’re only going to get 10-20 grand each, but what if I’m wrong? I don’t think I am, but what if she does leave behind a substantial amount of money? Well, I’m sorry but I don’t like the idea of that child-woman getting some of it when she’s not only hated by most of the family and practically a stranger to it but when my husband and I are so, so needy so much of the time. Just because things are going well for us now doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. I fear God won’t let it. But because we have struggled so damn much due to a combination of cruel fate and poor judgment call on our part, that’s why I’m all the more concerned about money even when things are going well, and they are. They posted 5 jobs today at work, 3 of which Tom is going to apply for. They’ll be taking apps through Friday. The only ones he didn’t put in for would be a serious demotion for him.

Either way, the thought of the child-woman getting a part of that money is almost as bad as if some stranger on the street got part of it. Tammy messaged me tonight and said she feels the same way and that he’ll be “six feet under” before he gets anything and that we’ll keep him away from it and she mentioned the courts but I don’t see how that would do us any good. What can she do, go to court and tell the judge, “I don’t want my brother to get anything because I don’t like him very much?” So unless she knows something I doubt I would think all it would do would tie up and delay things for years, but what do I know?

“What have you got against this unborn child?” Tom asked me, and that’s easy. The more grandkids, the less for us. I don’t care anymore how selfish I may sound, and maybe they only left things to their kids and not their grandkids, but I would think they’d leave all the grandkids at least a little something. So if the child-woman goes and has 5 more kids before mom dies, that’s less money for those of us who deserve it, even though I still don’t think she has much or that we’re meant to have much money through any source. Expenses are up, property values are down, and I highly doubt they got the store for the fun of it or just to keep active like Dad said. Everyone says that kind of thing. So, she’s not poor, but she certainly isn’t rich. Once you turned everything into cash and omitted taxes and what they owed money on, you’re probably talking 60K. Split between 3 kids that’d be 20K each. Add the grandkids and that could drop it to 10-15K. She still didn’t give me any details, if she knows any (she’s trying to get me to call her), so I asked if she could just give me a rough guess of an estimate. That and his job are going to determine when we go where.

The only thing she said that I don’t agree with is how she “tried” to tell Mom what he said to her and her grandkids but she didn’t want to hear it. Well, as even Tom agrees, 54 is a little too old to be running to mommy when you get pissed at someone. I have always HATED that with a passion when people would get mad at me and then drag others into it and get people involved that didn’t have a damn thing to do with it. As I would tell anyone, if I’M the one you’re mad at come to ME about it or else I’m gone. That, calling me a liar when I’m telling the truth, defending my perps, being a hypocrite, trying to change/judge me, being a liar or not doing what you say you’re gonna do is the quickest way to lose me. It’s ok to go to someone about someone neither of you are buddies with, but if I get pissed at Andy, for ex, I’m going straight to HIM. Not his mother, not his sisters, not his other friends, just to HIM. I just feel it’s best to operate that way so you don’t end up stuck in the he said/she said game or putting anyone on the spot and pitting people against others. I’ve been there before. It only causes more grief. A part of me wonders if I should’ve stayed away, though I don’t regret being in touch with my dad in the end. I’m glad we got a chance to catch up on life once again and that he got to read my last book.

Either way, I’m not surprised she brushed her complaints off. Most parents don’t want to side with their kids or pit one against another. I’m sure she’d have told me or the statutory rapist the same thing. As much as we may like to, one can’t convince their mom to dump one of their kids simply because her other kids would like her to and think it would be a wise idea.

Oh, and she also said the pervie thinks we’re fucked up. Gee, that hurts! Really, I couldn’t care less about what he THINKS. Or anyone else for that matter. It’s what people DO that matters. So he’s welcome to think I’m the biggest fuck-up on earth. :)

The only other thing she said was that her kids told Larry where to go. Yeah, I tried to warn Lisa away from Larry back in the 90s in Phoenix, knowing she was making a mistake but I also knew it was one she was simply going to have to make. Sometimes we gotta fuck up in order to learn our lesson and see things for ourselves. I’m sure countless people have warned the child-woman also, but she’ll just have to end up sorry she didn’t listen, won’t she?

sighs I wish they’d both get hit by a truck or something. Really, I can feel that old familiar rage vibrating within me towards Larry and just the whole damn family drama in general, reminding me of just why I walked away from it all in the first place 14 years ago. I wish to hell that cock would materialize in this room just for 60 seconds so I could knock every last tooth out of his mouth, I really do! But as soon as mom goes and I get my share, however small it may be, I’m walking away from the others forever. I simply don’t need or deserve this shit in my life. And if anyone wants to judge me for it, I don’t need them in my life either. I’m not looking at them as “family.” I’m looking at them as the people they are and I don’t like them at all, particularly the pervert and the drama queen. The rest I could do with or without, though I pretty much have to do without. It’s the only way to break the negative connection altogether. Keeping in touch with anyone else would be like being friends with the mother of the guy that raped you.

OMG, I want to attack Larry so badly!!! The desire is almost physical I am just so, so fucking enraged right now. Thank God I wasn’t there! Oh, I wouldn’t have minded the part where he went to the hospital. It’s the part where I would’ve gone to jail I’d mind. I have so much rage in me that it would be so easy to get carried away and end up killing the bastard if he were in front of me now, and well, I wouldn’t get any inheritance if I were in prison, that’s for sure.

Some would say I should feel this sort of rage for Tammy since she got me in jail, and I do and that’s the main reason I intend to dump her one last time someday. But guys have a way of getting me going easier what with their macho, I’m-so-tough attitude. IDK, it just makes a bitch like me more eager to take them down a peg or two and get a good laugh at their embarrassment, and I know I could hurt my brother despite the fact that he’s over a foot taller than me. Contrary to popular belief, size and gender aren’t what determines fighting ability. It’s all about fitness, rage and determination. I wish more women were like me. If women were the “angrier” sex instead of men, the belief that men are “stronger” than women would fade quickly. But that’s just life for you – people base things on gender, color, race and size all the time. They believe fat people are the filthiest and all kinds of other BS and false stereotypes.

Ugh! Just ugh! I am so fucking pissed at my brother and his child-woman. I just don’t know what to do. If the pervert was single or he was still with Sandy, I could live with him getting part of the inheritance. But it’s not. It’s a 21-year-old bimbo with a child he’s too old to be having and she’s too young to be having. Again, what the hell was he thinking at 58, that he could replace his dead son?

Where I was finally relieved to know that after all these years I wouldn’t have to deal with family funerals after all, now I gotta deal with not only money going to those it shouldn’t go to, whether it’s mine to decide on or not, but also me possibly not getting anything at all if someone should either try to screw me out of it or it ends up tied up in court for years and the court decides in the end that no one shall have anything. I hope I’m worrying for nothing in this case too, but I’d rather not have things pissing me off and stressing me out so badly. The possibility of the pigs and blacks still coming after me is enough. And the thought of him getting laid off even if that’s looking less likely. Still, I’m really worried about April. If we can get to May without the pigs and blacks harassing us, I’ll breathe a lot easier. This is still a whole 6 weeks away.