It seems I learn something new about Nane every time we talk. I thought she never had kids so she could do other things. Like travel. Instead, I learned that 12 years ago she got pregnant at 39 and was considered a high-risk pregnancy. Well, her baby girl died and she’s been afraid to get pregnant ever since. I guess she couldn’t have been that far along. They can tell the baby’s gender at just 12 weeks. Plus, I’ve seen close-ups of her tummy and there are no stretch marks. So I’d say she miscarried by the fourth month. I didn’t want to ask her. I could tell it was a touchy subject for her.

As of yet, not one single person commented on the link I left to me singing. I guess I must really suck, LOL. Hey, it was the best I could do by phone. Still, I was hoping people would at least say something even if it was to tell me it sucked.

The rat is continuing to deteriorate and I can’t figure out for the life of me how it is he’s managed to stay alive this long.

Tom didn’t learn anything new at work yesterday but he takes that as a good sign. Like the supervisor is going through the mandatory motions of interviewing everyone he doesn’t want for the job first. We hope so anyway. Over the next few weeks or less, he’s either gonna get hired on, given one of the positions he put in for but still as a temp, or he’ll be laid off.

Haven’t heard from the drama queen since she tried to tell me mom and dad told her to “give me what she wants.” Damn, I hope that’s not true! I don’t think it is and neither does Tom. Honestly, I’d rather my folks’ money be divvied up evenly between ALL 3 of us even if it meant Larry’s child-woman got some of it than for Tammy to get it all. Or most of it.

The rain is back but I don’t know if Jesse is.

Later…

It still amazes me just how much German I’ve learned even if I’m far from fluent and my grammar is still shaky. And I never “meant” to either. It is my one and only unplanned language, but I have found that most of the best things in life are unplanned anyway. Less than two years ago I knew about half a dozen German words. I never had the desire to learn the language and never found it pretty or interesting in any way. Then one day one article and one person I never met halfway around the world changed all that. Funny how these things happen. The not-so-funny part is that the more I concentrate on German and neglect my other languages, the more it hurts those other languages. I had to stop and think when saying something in Spanish earlier and I find that learning multiple languages can both help and confuse each other. Sometimes it’s hard to keep them separated. I’ll start to say something in one language and accidentally throw in a word from another language. I always wished I was one who could concentrate on perfecting one language and one language only, but instead I’m a real variety freak. I think if most people knew I spoke 5 languages and understood 4 more they would think I was utterly mad, LOL.

I feel so bad for my ratty. He’s getting weaker by the minute and is just totally deteriorating. I don’t think he’ll last another week. He can barely lift his poor little head and keep his eyes open. He’s wasting away since he doesn’t have the energy to eat.

I was really damn glad to be fit, strong and flexible a little while ago. I sprayed some air freshener and this Febreze stuff leaves a slick residue on the floor with the way it sprays a mist, unlike a powdery blast like Glade does. And yes, I’m going back to Glade after the Febreze is gone. It’s still the BEST line and the cheapest, I think. Anyway, even though I had my sneakers on my right foot started to slide out in front of me. I couldn’t pull that leg back in so, I ended up shifting my body so I was facing the tub, placed my hands on the side of it and ended up going down with my knees bent and my butt between my feet, a position I’ve always been able to sit in all my life whereas most people can only sit that way with their feet underneath their butts and not to the sides of it. Not a single bruise on me. I probably would’ve been hurt if I were tall or out of shape.

Maybe Dad is looking out for me, too. I’ll really wonder if Tom gets one of those positions at work. Yet as much as I wish Dad could return, things are going better for us and Nane has returned. I understand, though, that if she could dump me once, she could dump me twice and never come back, like I told Andy, but sometimes you gotta just take chances and enjoy the ride while it lasts. Not sure I’d want to go to the extremes he would, especially since I’m not single, but he thinks long-distance relationships suck cuz I can’t know if she smells, eats with her mouth open, has bad breath, bites her nails, etc. LOL, as I told him, if she does half these things then I’m even happier to keep her at a distance, though I can usually just ask her what I want to know. I understand his reasoning, though, especially for a single person.

If Nane suddenly showed up at the door I wouldn’t hesitate to let her in. So it isn’t that I wouldn’t want to meet her; it’s that I wouldn’t want potential trouble so close to home. Besides, that kind of spoils the fantasy when you try to make it a reality. Better to leave some things to the imagination sometimes. Reality is rarely what we imagine, hope or fantasize it to be anyway.

I think another reason I hesitate to meet women on the side is that I worry I might have a hard time separating my feelings from sex. I wouldn’t want to get too attached. I know my feelings for one person wouldn’t and couldn’t detract from my feelings for Tom, but he is my reality and I find it works best for me if I just keep the two separate. So Nane will remain forever in cyberspace and stories where she is much easier to control.

If it was someone I didn’t know but found attractive, that actually might be easier than doing it with Nane cuz I do have a degree of feelings for Nane. It’s hard not to after all we’ve shared about our lives and all that.

And since I’m not the sociable type, where would I meet these women? Looking for love/lust is like looking for objects. Seek and you shall NOT find. At least it’s always been that way for me. I always find things around here when I’m not looking for them. Just about all those I’ve had relationships with or just sex was unplanned “accidents,” including Tom. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time, let alone a guy. I just figured I’d have an occasional one-nighter with women throughout my life.

I hate to say it since it may sound stereotypical, but most people who go to bars or join dating services are NOT the kinds of people I want to be dealing with, even just for sex. I seem to have had a thing for foreign chicks anyway for the last few years, LOL. But if an “accident” happens that isn’t crazy or ugly, I just might take a chance even if I probably shouldn’t.

Well, our dicklord up the hill is back from wherever the hell he went based on the ATV I just heard. Now he’s really making up for lost time zooming back and forth up the hill. Just what is he doing??? This isn’t the dirt bike the kid sometimes gets on my nerves with, it’s definitely the ATV. Why do I have a feeling he’ll be down here any time now?

Some of Nane’s auto-corrected typos lately crack me up. Reminds me of Maliheh and how we were talking one night and all of a sudden I’d get something like: Sammy and I are running through glass doors.

I was like, WTF? Who’s Sammy and what do you mean you’re running through glass doors?

Speaking of Maliheh, I wonder what’s up with her? I hope she’s been getting my messages and was able to follow the singing link ok. Dani on Thoughts really loved my voice (I still think I’m just ok) so I know it’s working.

LOL, Nane just said don’t take it personally, I sound sweet, she can’t sing at all, but my writing is a lot better than my singing. She’s right on with that one! Still, I guess it’s a matter of opinion and I do appreciate her honesty.

Mitch just told me in Spanish I have the voice of an angel and I think Nane is now officially drunk, LOL. Just like I could tell when Andy would be high before he quit the weed, I can tell by Nane’s typing when she’s drunk.

I have had no desire to work on my book. I guess I’m officially retired as a creative writer or about to embark on a long leave of absence. Seems the only type of writing I’m up for these days is in my journal.