I am trying to think of the good things I have going for me in life instead of the things that piss me off so damn much that I just had to pump iron like I did just now with my resistance bands to try to work some of this steam off.

Oh, before I get to the more important and better things and people in my life, as God would have it (what a coincidence) I can’t collect disability for any kind of disability because I didn’t work enough quarters in the past to be eligible, so we’ve learned. One more thing to resent God for and that convinces me He doesn’t want me generating any on my own. I can sell things, I can win things, and I can make a few bucks here and there as long as it’s slave wages, but nothing more. This both saddens and infuriates me. But like it or not, the idea of “disability” is for those who can “no longer” work. What we can’t figure out is what the hell kind of disability I was on when I was young. I know I got on it through my father and that it may have had to do with his heart or my ear, but there’s got to have been more to it than that. I will admit that there are more important things going on right now anyway.

On to better things, and that’s hoping that one of these permanent positions comes through and he won’t have to take a pay cut. Not much of one anyway. I also hope whatever they offer for insurance and dental is affordable too, and that we get the hell out of Trailerville. Yes, a trashy old trailer is better than the streets, but I feel both insulted and humiliated to know that this is all God has felt we deserved for so long. At least we don’t seem to be towards the top of His hate list lately. When you get the sadness of losing dad and the family drama out of the picture, life is actually going quite well. It was even quiet today despite being mostly sunny and dry, though I’ll admit I didn’t get up till 3pm. What sucks is knowing I’ll probably be on days when Jesse gets to bulldozing the drive, but boy does it need it.

Amazingly, the rat is still alive. I still don’t think he’ll make a full recovery, though, due to his age. He’s definitely, if not totally blind, then partially blind. He’s moving around more in his cage but still doesn’t eat much or want to come out anymore. I’m guessing that’s because he can’t see well. He’s not even fat anymore and has probably lost half his body weight. I doubt he even weighs a pound now. I went down a couple of pounds, too.

My German hottie and I have decided to write to each other in German. Well, I may mix both English and German, LOL, depending on how long/important it is or if I’m pressed for time. Still have to look up words here and there, but that’s how you learn.

Apparently, I talked her into switching to a Timeline profile. I know some people consider them a bit cluttered, but I like them way better. It’s much more organized and I love changing cover photos every few days. In fact, it’s time to change it again!

Later…

Although I don’t have any bad vibes and haven’t had any bad dreams, you would think that given our past history, we should have every reason to worry right now. I didn’t realize it was so all or nothing where Tom’s job is concerned. I thought they were just moving his department, but nope. They’re shutting it down completely. This means that if he isn’t hired on for one of the jobs he applied for, we’ll be back on unemployment for the FORTH time in less than 5 years in about a month from now unless he can find something else before then. But God couldn’t really hate us that much, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Who the hell am I kidding by thinking He’s looking out for us after all the nightmares we’ve already been through? Yes, He really could hate someone enough to see them lose their job yet again, end up back in the poorhouse, lose all their savings, and continue to be stuck in their trashy little trailer no matter how hard they try to get ahead and break away. And why not? He’s let worse things happen to others.

But despite the fact that Tom says he’s pretty sure the chances of him getting laid off is 10% or less since the supervisor who does the choosing already told him he wanted him for one of the positions he put in for, now is when God would pick on us. The “stage” is totally set based on past patterns/experiences. The timing is right, the savings is right, and it’s always right when we start to get ahead that He yanks the carpet from underneath us. He doesn’t have to do it again. Instead, He could see to it that Tom got one of the jobs and that we could continue to save and get the hell out of here. But I know I can’t count on or trust God or any other outer source to do well by us.

Like I said, though, the timing is perfect. This is usually right around when things fall apart based on how many months things have gone well and what our savings is like right now. If He’d let Tom be laid off a few months ago we wouldn’t have made it because we couldn’t get unemployment until April, and I’ve always suspected that while He may sure do a good job of making it look like we’re not going to make it, He wants us to live to suffer. Well, it’s just about April. So we would live if they laid him off. We probably wouldn’t suffer as badly as a year ago since the economy is picking up and he could probably get a job within a month or two, but that would still be quite a setback. Especially if all he could get was a minimum-wage job.

Tom said this all-or-nothing thing is actually a good thing cuz now he’s not left hanging to wonder if he’s going to get hired on or laid off. Next week, we’ll know for sure either way. And they’re not gonna lay him off the day they tell him they’re going to if they really do come out and tell him that. It’d be about a month.

He feels confident that he’ll not only get one of the jobs but that they’ll judge the applicants fairly based on experience and not how young or dark they are, because so many employers (of all colors) are so obsessed with “avenging” the past for the previously oppressed, giving them first dibs on everything. I guess all we can do is hope the supervisor who said he wanted him for that job will keep his word, and that we don’t get caught up in the same old endless cycle of alternating between unemployment and temp jobs that went on for 4 years. But it seems that the less deserving you are, the more breaks you get in life, and I always get suspicious when things go well for us. Meaning, I just get that too-good-to-be-true feeling. I wish I could just be happy when things go well, and I am, but I also fear there’s a catch to it. As I said before, I don’t mind if I’m destined to be poor all my life. But at least let us pay for the necessities and have some insurance for God’s sake! A real house would be nice too, instead of dumpy little trailers.

If he gets laid off we’ve got to get the hell out of this state. We’ve got to. Running won’t change our fate and make God show a little more love for us, but that may be the only way out of this trailer and to a permanent job, even if it pays shitty and the climate sucks. We couldn’t go to Florida because the job market there is pretty similar to here. We’d have Andy in Massachusetts and health/dental coverage, though with our shit luck, they would take that away the day we got there. MA is also more crowded than a place like Nebraska and so it would have a higher unemployment rate. Nebraska is probably where we’d go. It not only has the lowest unemployment rate there but Alison and Dustin would probably help us out till we got on our feet. We don’t have enough hotel money right now. Meaning, it wouldn’t last us long enough before he got a job and us unto a place. So with nowhere to go and not enough hotel money, we couldn’t just blindly run off without thinking it through first and without having someone to help us get started. Other than my sister, that is. Sure, she’d help us, and sure Tom could work with her husband in their little home improvement business. But then we’d be screwed as hell as soon as she got pissed at us for whatever. No thanks. :)

I’m hoping that the Italy trip I won is a sign that we’re meant to go on it because that would mean he’d be meant to get a permanent job this year because the trip is set to expire in 2014. Most trips you win give you a year to take them. But this one was 7 years. Could it be because we really are meant to take it? Well, they better give him a job if we are!

He’ll have to jump on the IRS and try to work out a payment plan with them if he does get a job. As a temp, they can’t take what we still owe. But as a permanent, they could wipe our bank accounts clean and help themselves to whatever. We’re not as important as those in other countries.

Later…

Been thinking and this whole pedophile/bimbo situation pisses the shit out of me. But I like to vent. Ah, a 58-year-old slut and his 21-year-old bimbo which he knocked up. But that’s not the issue. I don’t judge people for their lifestyle even if I disagree with it, and I do. BUT…if they want to screw up their lives and each other, let them. But the thought of them making off with some of my mom’s money when she goes REALLY pisses me off.

If the ped were still single or with Sandy it wouldn’t bother me as much unless he got more than I did or was rich. Sandy was one of the sweetest people you could ever know. Everybody loved her. Not one person in the family ever had anything bad to say about her. She was a very open, accepting, and all-around sweet person. She was easygoing and was always quick to compliment you and encourage you to go for your goals/dreams, far-fetched or not. I just can’t picture her cheating or being a “bad wife” in any way. All lust dies with time and age, all of it. Doesn’t mean you end up thinking the person’s ugly, but keeping the lust going forever is like keeping the same favorite song all your life. It just doesn’t usually work that way. So for Larry to throw away such a good person just because she got older (never got fat like most of us do, though) for a 20-second orgasm here and a 20-second orgasm there goes to show just how fucked in the head the bastard really is. Well, I want a 20-second orgasm too, dammit, with Nane, but then what? Throw true love away for this smoking, traveling partial bitch who won’t turn her music down? I don’t think so!

I would rather the ped and his bimbo win millions of dollars in the lottery than for this near stranger to get some of the family money. That’s what bothers me. Not where they live, not what they do. Most people would agree that 58 is too old and 21 is too young to have a kid, but that’s their prerogative. If the bimbo wants to be naïve enough to make the mistake of thinking the ped is suddenly faithful and capable of love, that’s her mistake to make. If the ped wants to leave a kid fatherless when it’s only around 20, let him. But mom might as well give a portion of her money to a stranger on the street if she’s going to give it to him, and thus to her as well if they’re still together when she goes. I still don’t think we’re getting more than a few grand each, and yeah, it’s mom’s money, but it still bothers me. This child-woman is simply not “family.” Not like her kids and the other spouses, though I don’t know about Mark. Knowing my sister’s fondness for abusive men I don’t know if he’s any more deserving than the child-woman. It’s just hard to believe mom wouldn’t leave something to the grandkids as well as her parents did, even if it’s only a grand or two. Well, if the pervert hits half a dozen more home runs before mom goes, that’s less money for those who deserve it and who may need it most. We’re the family underdogs most of the time, not them. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that they’re doing damn good for themselves even though I don’t know what the hell it is they’re doing and I don’t care. The world is twisted and unfair. But since no one’s gonna boot the bun out of the oven and castrate the ped, all I can do is hope the will excludes grandkids. The child-woman would get enough of it as it is.

I’m not as pissed as I was last night, though I am still pissed. My God was I pissed last night, though I’m amazed at just how much pumping iron released a lot of that steam. Based on the force and what it would equate to in weight as I shorted the resistance bands to near nothing, I had to have lifted around 200 pounds that’s how pissed I was.

LOL, since being back with Nane, Irene’s dumped me and I haven’t heard from Christiane.

Nane corrected my German, which I’m just about ready to give up on. I’ve learned a lot of vocabulary but I still keep fucking up my grammar.

She surprised me by telling me she once found a nest of mice on her balcony with 4-5 baby mice in it. All were dead but one. So she put it in a box and tried to save it by giving it a few drops of milk but it was dead when she returned from work. She felt sorry for it. I’m surprised she’d try to save it because usually when one doesn’t like rats, they’re usually afraid of them. And mice. But a baby mouse is a lot less scary to most people than a rat the size of a guinea pig.

Speaking of rats, just what in the world is mine doing??? He fidgets constantly. I’m amazed at all this movement given his condition, but I wish he’d settle down a bit more and not be so distracting.

Andy said his mom read the first 30 pages of my book but didn’t like it. Said it reminded her of Danielle Steele and she can’t get into that kind of thing. LOL, it’s the first time I’ve ever been compared to Danielle Steele, but no problem. We can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s a good thing I didn’t print anything for her after all. I really figured she wouldn’t like my book.

He had sort of a backward dream where he went over to his mother’s place and found her dead in her bed. She’d been stabbed in the heart. But before she died she apparently tried to clean up the wound because there was dried blood in the bathroom sink. Then the dream showed how it happened and a girl approached her sliding glass door. Well, the “girl” was really me and I guess I’m the one that stabbed her. Andy said it was a terrifying dream that seemed so real and he couldn’t figure out why I would do such a thing. LOL, his mom’s quite a likable lady. A bit gossipy at times like my own mom, but I’ve always liked her.

Like most women my age, I’ve got some gray in my hair. But dying it is frying the hell out of it so bad that it would look horrible long. So I guess I’ll have to decide what I want most – long and gray or short and brown. Maybe I should keep letting it grow but just not dye it as often.