The fucking dogs have been going off since I got up, and Tom will be off to work in a few hours. Meanwhile, I’m feeling many things right now. I’m hopeful for Tom getting a permanent position this week, though afraid to get that hopeful. I’m excited about the thought of moving, though trying not to get too excited. I’m determined to get back on the treadmill and get some of this damn weight off, though not too optimistic in that department. I’m happy to think and fantasize about Nane and her lovely smile that shows off her high cheekbones, but sorry I can never meet her.

I’m longing to dump my sister, but hesitant to do so for mom’s sake. As Tom pointed out, my mom may be a bitch, but even those who aren’t nice deserve a break after losing their husband of 62 years. Well, as soon as mom joins him on the other side I will be quick to wash my hands of what remains of my fucked up “family.”

I can’t wait! I just can’t fucking wait! Right or wrong, I am sooo sick of the family bullshit and I can’t wait to forever walk away from all the bickering and the horrible memories. I walked away for 10 years for a reason and if what happened hadn’t happened to us in 2007, I wouldn’t have called my folks at all. But desperate people do desperate things in desperate situations. And Tom and I were certainly desperate at the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate my parents saving our asses like they did, and I’m not going to “re-dump” my mother. Just the siblings and extended family once mom goes. Then again, there is no brother or extended family to dump since I’m not in touch with them anyway. It’s just the sister I gotta be concerned with. My sister, who is as mean and vindictive as she is sweet and kind, depending on if she’s pissed at you or not. She’d be the first to come running if I were suddenly drowning in quicksand. But she’d also be the first to toss me right into it if she was pissed at me, and that’s scary. Fortunately, all she managed to do was stress me out and annoy me the last time she got pissed at me in 2009 because she didn’t know where we live (and get herself a lifelong illness thanks to my influencing ability). Yeah, people get sick that piss me off even if I don’t want them to. Anyway, had she known where we were she’d have called the cops with some bullshit and sent them to our door. It wouldn’t have done her any good in the end once they saw we hadn’t done anything, but still, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with this bitch and that’s nothing anyone should put up with if they don’t have to. I don’t have to right now, but I choose to for mom’s sake, and just in case we may get a little something when she dies. If I dump her now she’ll go running to Mom about it, then Mom will get on my ass since Tammy will make up a million lies along the way instead of saying that I simply walked away from her, and my mother and I don’t need that shit.

Tom pointed out that she could be lying about the will just to push my buttons. He reminded me that a will is a legal document drawn up by a lawyer and so it’s very important that they be very specific in how it’s worded. In other words, a lawyer can’t simply write: Cut the oldest kid out and let the middle kid give the younger kid whatever she wants.

I still don’t expect much if anything at all that would go against the “plan.” Therefore, I expect to always live in NorCal and I definitely don’t expect to buy a house, but I wouldn’t want to do that without being able to buy it outright anyway.

It makes no sense, though. Again, why would she worry about Larry getting anything if she knew he’d been cut from the will a few years ago? If what she says is true, what the hell were my parents thinking when they told her to give me what she wants?! Like she’d give me shit? Yeah, right! She’d keep it all for herself if she could and so would I. I ain’t gonna lie about that one. We’re all naturally selfish that way.

Even if she did decide to be generous enough to float me a tiny chunk of the 50 or so grand she’ll probably get to keep all for herself, I hate to give her whatever address we’re at at the time. I really do. And I know she’s going to try to hunt me down online when she sees I’ve “disappeared,” so I’ll close as many ports as I can. I didn’t know about blog sites that let you block messages back in 2009, but since that’s a more common feature now on most sites, I’ll make sure I only blog on sites she can’t harass me on cuz if she reads any of this shit you bet she’ll try! She isn’t going to care that I don’t use last names. Just as long as she knows I’m talking about her, that’ll be enough to light the bitch’s fuse, though I won’t deny the idea of her one day reading this amuses me. If she does.

We may never be rich in money but we will always be rich in love and so people like Tom, Nane, Andy, Alison and other friends really help to make up for the family that has basically treated me like shit since day one.