Sent a message to Tammy thanking her for going to Florida and helping out in ways that I can’t. I let her know that while I would never try to persuade others to dump or buddy up to whoever, I still have absolutely no respect for Larry and the hypocrite is still not welcome in my life. Two strikes and you’re pretty much out of my life for good. I let her know that while we have the money to fly to Florida, Tom can’t just take time off from work, I’m unable to drive, of course. So that’s why I appreciate her going there.

For the first two days after learning of my father’s death, I cried on and off. Then I stopped. But earlier I was thinking of him and the tears sprung forth once again.

Tom’s still waiting to find out if he can get a permanent position at work and is also going to be filling out apps for other places that list permanent jobs, even though it’s a long shot. On the rare occasion there happens to be a permanent spot open, especially in this state, it’s snatched up in a heartbeat.

Haven’t been working on my book lately at all. Maybe I can coax myself into doing some writing soon enough. I’m just not sure if I want to continue on with the story I’ve been working on or not.

The CoQ10 is helping Tom feel a little more energetic and he noticed his weight is down a bit. I did some research and there does seem to be a connection between CoQ10 and weight loss.

The rat’s been going stir crazy so I guess I’ll let him out of his cage for a while.

Later…

I swore 14 years ago when I told my brother to fuck off and turned my back on him just like he did to me when I was 21 that I would never let him piss me off again, but here I am all these years later furious and wishing I could rip him apart but glad he is out of reach knowing how badly I could hurt him these days. He’s a fat, out-of-shape, aging smoker and if I lost it on him I’d only end up in jail for assault. So yeah, I kinda have mixed emotions about the cock being out of reach.

I sent Tammy a message thanking her for helping mom. Although I could afford to fly there, without being able to drive there’d be nothing I could do that couldn’t be done over the phone and they know and understand this. For that I am grateful. I also told her that while I’d never try to persuade others to like or dislike someone (in most cases) I still have absolutely zero respect for Larry and he is not welcome in my life. Two strikes and you’re pretty much gone forever no matter if you’re family or if I’ve known you forever or if you’re the hottest chick on earth. I’m hard to obtain for a friend but easy to lose and I don’t care how many people would disagree with me being the way I am. I am who I am, period. I just can’t bring myself to keep forgiving the same damn people for the same damn shit over and over again, but Larry’s the same way so that’s even more of a reason not to feel guilty for the way I feel about the little fuck.

I’m not even sure I feel guilty for not being in touch with the family for a decade. I do and I don’t. I mean, yeah I feel some degree of guilt because I am 46 years old yet I gave my parents just 36 years. On the other hand, I did what I felt was best for me at the time. Same with Andy and I. Perhaps the break was good for each other, but I still feel bad about it. He is easily one of the most forgiving people I have ever known while my sister is the most loyal.

She told me (this is what led to me getting pissed off, though it’s not her I’m pissed at right now) that while Dad’s eyes were still open she promised him that she would always stay in touch with me. I felt bad and even a touch guilty because I know she may very well have made Dad a promise she might not be able to keep because I can’t promise that I myself will always want to stay in touch with her.

“You should treat yourself like you expect others to treat you,” a friend told me years ago. “You don’t bother with those that judge and criticize the way you handle things and the things you say and do. So why don’t you give yourself the same respect? Quit judging yourself, Jodi, and stop beating yourself up for past events that can’t be changed or undone. Just be yourself and handle things the way you feel is best for you and not in the way you think most would find correct or agreeable.”

Well, they’ve got a point. If I’m not going to let others get away with telling me I’m wrong for this or wrong for that, should I really let my own self get away with doing that? Then again, I’m the only one who does and should have that right. Only we should be allowed to judge and critique ourselves.

So I’m going to just let myself feel what I feel whether it’s “normal” or “right” or not. And right now, since I don’t want to go to jail for assault, I really wish my brother would pick up a gun and blow his fucking brains out. He needs to get out of the family and get out of the will (if there really is one). All that cock does is cause trouble. He pisses people off, he pits them against each other, he causes arguments, he lies, sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, he’s a hypocrite, and he doesn’t deserve a single penny when mom’s own time comes. I know it’s not for me to say as it’s mom’s money and mom’s stuff. She’s certainly not going to dump her own son simply because her daughters would like her to and feel it would be in everyone’s best interest.

Larry leaves nothing but a trail of anger down just about every path that damn little cock travels. Like I said, his being 6’ 2” and having 100 pounds on me couldn’t and wouldn’t save him. But since I can’t bash him into oblivion the best I can do is make him sick or injure him, and I don’t even have to try with the mood-influencing thing. Piss me off enough and you’ll be sick or hurt whether I want you to be or not. You think Molly’s always complaining in her blog about how sick she is because she’s a walking pharmacist and a hypocrite? Not likely! I may be starting to wonder if I’ll ever have another dream premonition again but the evidence is still there to suggest I’m still the “firestarter without the fire.” You know, like how fire would erupt every time Drew got pissed in the movie Firestarter. It’s another reason Nane dumped me, though I don’t know that she’d admit it. I was “seeing” things and learning things about her in my dreams. Things I shouldn’t know and that she never told me.

Ok, let me finally cut to the chase. My sister may be a liar in many cases but I totally believe her when she said that the 21-year-old bimbo Larry brought along with him whom he’s been with since it was 14 was playing Nintendo games in Dad’s ICU as he was dying. She said she would have gone after them both if it weren’t for Mom and Dad.

Yeah, I saw the child-woman on Larry’s friend list and figured that was the “friend” mom said he brought along. Her name is Stephanie, she looks like a young version of his ex-wife, and Larry listed her as “one of the people he loves.” I knew my brother was a slut, but a cradle robber? Jeez! I’ve always been attracted to older women/men myself, even when I was young. But I’d really have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me if I was 14 and hot for a then 51-year-old. What, is this a case of a missing daddy make-up or something like that in this kid’s mind?

I can totally picture Larry’s lame excuse for the Nintendo thing too, saying some shit like, “Well, what else could we do? Life still has to go on.”

Yeah, life has to go on, big bro, but Nintendo games while your own father’s lying there dying??? Ok, so maybe I said it was wrong to judge others, but this is about my father’s final moments. Not about how people think we should be more tolerant of loud, rude and obnoxious neighbors to which no one owes shit simply because they’re black. It’s not about how one may’ve handled an incompetent waitress. It’s not about how one may’ve handled a coworker that pissed them off. Sorry, but something about playing games while someone – anyone – lays dying before you just doesn’t seem right. But that is just my opinion.

She also said something I’m not sure I get that she’ll have to further explain to me. She said, “All 3 of my daughters went after him for what he did to me.” I guess most people would take this to mean her kids physically attacked him for attacking her, but I thought they didn’t even go down to Florida. Regardless, this is why I swore I would never attend the funeral (before I knew there wouldn’t be one). Because I knew that as soon as someone dared just look at me wrong I would beat the living shit out of them. Sorry but I’m just not one you can lay a hand on and simply walk away. My sister is also not only older and out of shape and a smoker, but she has Sjogren’s. She is completely defenseless. But I’m not.

Then again, it doesn’t have to be a funeral. All you have to do is get the family together for whatever reason and if Larry or Ronnie are present, especially Larry, there’s going to be trouble.

Anyway, whatever it is he did to Tammy isn’t why I’m pissed. I’m not close to Tammy and as “wrong” as some would say it is, I am indifferent to her and what may happen to her. I simply don’t care. What does have me pissed is the fun and games that went on by my father’s deathbed, and the thought of Larry getting any kind of inheritance. Again, I don’t know that there will be any to get and I don’t think it will be much if there is. If God really has decided that Tom and I should never have much more than say a few grand at a time, then it’s not going to be much. But I have a feeling that while I’ll probably always need money more than Tammy, Tammy will need it more than Larry. Larry was also a shit of a son who is totally undeserving whether he needs money or not. I may’ve stayed away for 10 years, but I at least had the decency to write every so often just to let my folks know I was still alive. He didn’t even do that much in the 15-20 years he ignored my folks.

Heart disease affected and then killed my father, an uncle, and both my grandfathers. So then why is it that this bastard hasn’t even had a slight heart attack?! That’s alright, big bro, you’re going to be so fucking sick for so long!

Sooner or later the cock’s gonna go up against the wrong woman. One he simply cannot handle. Doesn’t have to be a woman, though, just anyone. God let the wrong Larry die that night back in 1997, and again, I don’t care who gets pissed or thinks I’m fucked in the head for saying so. In fact, right this very minute I am feeling my legs, made strong and powerful from running and fantasizing about them connecting with great force against that damn prick’s throat. Think I just work out to look and feel better? Uh-uh, I also do it for any punks with the wrong idea, female or male, that is within reach. :) I wasn’t in the Funny Farm in the early 80s for being “funny” in any way. Try scary instead, though most of my destruction back then was against myself.

I think part of why I’ve come to love Maliheh is that I know I can say this shit to her and she’ll understand. She’s not just good-looking, smart or talented. She gets it. Really gets it. And believe me when I say Andy’s the last one that’s gonna give me that shame-on-you! routine for having some very deadly thoughts about Jesse’s fucking mutts, so he gets it, too. He may not get why I want to get rid of these goddamn teeth, but he gets the dog thing. So do some others.

For a while, Nane put a complex on me about sharing any negative experiences with others after she accused me of just “messing” with her and then dumping me. But I not only know she knew damn well I wasn’t playing with her and that she was simply accusing me of what she herself was doing, but that’s how I know who my real friends are is by sharing all of me with them. And the ones who can handle it all are the truest.

I have such mixed emotions about my mom right now. I wish she’d live forever but I also wish she would just go on to join Dad because I know she’s not only got to be absolutely miserable and is suffering both physically and mentally, but then I can just wash my hands clean of what’s left of the so-called “family” and be done with the damn drama forever. Thus far I’ve only been hanging on for her sake, cuz again, if I wouldn’t allow myself to have friends like this, why allow family members like this in my life?

Tammy wants to talk on the phone and that’s another thing I’m not happy about. I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to say no at such a hard time in our lives, but I also don’t want to give her the wrong idea and think we’re buddies. Blood or not, I do not want to be her buddy! She’s not only not my type to be buds with but she’s simply too vindictive when she’s pissed at you.

On top of my sadness for Dad and my anger for Larry, there’s the troll that’s pissing me off. I feel bad for Aly because she’s not only bashing her in her public blog, but sometimes she uses her full name. I’m also pissed for myself because I feel like I’m being forced to hide. But not just for my own sake. It’s for any friends’ sake as well, be it future or present friends. She doesn’t just harass us but our friends as well and I can’t convince and stop all of them from acknowledging her, and the more attention you give her, the worse it will be for you in the end. Then they come to regret it and all I can say is: I told you so. She goes right down the line from friend to friend. Since discovering how to contact Aly’s BF and Kat’s hubby, she’s now stalking and harassing them as well.

They really need to find a way to prevent multiple accounts from being created from the same household! But sadly, people can just reset their modem, thus creating a whole new IP address.

I thought my weight would climb faster than a terrified cat climbing a tree to escape a vicious dog, but it’s holding pretty steady. For now anyway. I’m gonna CoQ10 myself if Tom keeps losing weight. He’s not only lost some weight, but he’s not feeling nearly as run down.