I thought the rat was going to die earlier. I heard him thrashing around in his cage when I was in the bedroom. I first thought he was sifting through the food I’d just stuck in his cage. Then I realized he wouldn’t have that much energy with the way his health is deteriorating. So I ran out and he appeared to be having some sort of seizure and was making these awful sounds as he was struggling to breathe. I don’t know if he was choking on something or if it had to do with his condition, but I don’t think he was having a seizure after all. I think the poor guy just panicked when he couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes he calmed down, his breathing seemed to return to normal, and he retreated into his burrow and fell asleep. sighs It’s so sad seeing him suffer like this. If he were Jesse’s mutts or not a very good pet it’d be a little easier, but he’s been such a damn good rat. Very smart and loving.

We have been getting slammed with rain. I’m really surprised. I just didn’t think it would catch up to us after all once the weeks turned into months.

Nothing from the troll in a record-breaking two weeks now. She must’ve fucked up badly, wherever she is.

I’m wondering if I should create a new email address now that even the account I switched to is not only getting spammed and scammed almost as badly as my old account (I did stupidly sign up for enough stuff with it in the past), but I’m getting messages in doubles for some reason. It’s always been one of my least favorite email services anyway. On the other hand, I so do NOT want to have to go around and change my email address all over again on all the accounts I use regularly, so maybe if I do create a new Yahoo account I will use that one simply for friends. That way I only have to deal with the one I’ve been using every few days or so.

Worked out hard today. I ran at mostly 4 MPH for 20 minutes in 5-minute segments. I rested for about 5 minutes in between spurts, so the whole thing still took the better part of an hour. Wish I could run a half-hour straight at 5, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be fit enough, or better yet light enough, to do that.

I look so good yet so bad. So fit but still so fat, LOL.

Another mystery subby on Facebook. I mentioned to Tom how I thought it weird that I would get subscribers since I have a private account. Tom said Facebook screws up all the time and sometimes what we think is private isn’t really private. That’s true. I know they’ve made public some things people wanted private before either by accident or just to piss people off. But how did these people find me? We have no mutual friends. I have a feeling that if I ask the second subby I won’t get an answer any more than I did from the first one, so I guess I’ll just have to wonder about it. It’s still a little disturbing to think they may be able to see things they shouldn’t be seeing.

Nane was telling me more about where she lives. Her 1-bedroom/1-bath apartment is 85 square meters, which equates to 900 square feet. Pretty big. That’s what the 2-bedroom/1-bath was on Bell Rd. in Arizona that I had for a few months before meeting Tom. She would make such a lousy girlfriend, though, LOL. We are sooo like night and day, though the sex would probably be fun. I asked if her neighbors were noisy and she said no, she’s the one that’s noisy. Just after midnight, a guy came ringing her doorbell in his pajamas cuz she was blasting music. She said he didn’t even greet her or anything and just said, “Are you completely out of your mind?” She said she feels like she’s living in a graveyard and loves it when her neighbors are partying or out hanging on their balconies cuz then she doesn’t feel like she’s the only living creature on the block. As anyone who knows me knows, though, I’m just the other way around. When I’m home I don’t want to know the outside world exists! Not your dogs, not your music, not your vehicles, not your TVs, not your kids, not your grandkids, not your friends – I don’t even want to hear you fart, burp, cough, sneeze or hiccup!

Andy’s getting too Marie-like only without the paranoia. He lives online and constantly wants to chat on Formspring. He doesn’t pressure me or anything like that and he knows I’m not as into it as he is, but I just wish he’d get other hobbies. Better yet I wish he would find love and try sleeping sometimes. The guy never sleeps! He hasn’t slept since Wednesday night and when he does sleep, it’s usually only in 4-hour intervals.

I wish I could stop worrying about the pigs but I feel “watched.” I’ve asked Tom a few different times if he thinks they’re watching me on a daily basis and his answers have varied from “I don’t know” to “Yes” to “We’ll never know.” He assures me that if I don’t do anything wrong (and I’ve been being super careful – no unsolicited email, nothing that could be perceived as racial/threatening) I’ll be ok, but I still worry about being set up. I still can’t believe this is simply over spam and not because they didn’t fabricate “evidence” to throw in and add to it since it’s the bulk spammers they usually go after, but he said that that’s why I wasn’t arrested; cuz I only sent a few dozen and not thousands.

But how do you “make a case” out of a few dozen??? They had to have done something, and like I said, I feel stalked, watched, and censored that I feel like I’m lacking in the freedom and the full ability to be myself. At least in the online world. In my word processor, I can be more open about these fears because not everything in it goes online. Not even in private accounts since nothing online is really “private.” If they really are following my every move, damn is that both sad and scary! If they suspected I’d killed someone I bet they wouldn’t give a damn then, would they? Really, would they be interested in me then?

I think I’d rather someone “watch” me by watching the place or my movements in public. If someone were outside watching this trailer, they could see the trailer and they could see me if I stepped outside, but they couldn’t see what was going on inside. Online, however, every single move I make – every chat, every blog, every picture – is for any “legal stalker” to see.

It’s still sad that I have to feel like a fish in a bowl with my every move scrutinized while there are murderers, rapists and child molesters out there they don’t even look at. What’s wrong with this world???

Or maybe I’m just being paranoid and the cops aren’t always as corrupt or as dumb as I think they are, and they’re smart enough to pay more attention to dangerous people that have actually done things instead of just said things to piss people off. Maybe they don’t spend their days watching, waiting, and hoping to “get” me should I screw up somehow and do something wrong. Hey, it’s a business like any other after all. The more crime, the more work for them, and so the more money they and the state gets. It’s not just about feeling powerful and like they’re in control, but how they make their living. If no one ever did anything wrong, they’d be out of a job. But wouldn’t any black or Mexican pig just love to bring a white bitch with a big old honest mouth right down, huh?

Well, there may be more of them than me and so I couldn’t just run down to Arizona and beat them all up, but I can run instead of allowing myself to be railroaded if they decide to jump out of the shadows with whatever digitally enhanced bullshit they want to create. And yes, I wonder about these online happenings and am suspicious of everything from spam, scams, mystery subbies, hackings and more. My Thoughts blogs always have more hits registered on their internal unique hit counter than TIP has. I’m hoping they’re just BOTs that Thoughts is counting but TIP isn’t, but who knows?