For the second time, Twitter locked my account saying I was violating the TOS. 

No. Fucking. Way. 

The first time, yes. I got to trolling around a bit and let my mischievous side get the better of me. But this time? No chance. I combed my recent tweets and nothing – nothing – violates the TOS. So it was a glitch or they were just fucking with me. 

That’s ok, though. No need to play these games with them. I simply verified my number to unlock the damn account, let Twitter have it, and then deactivated it just like I planned to do in a few days anyway when my sweeps subscription expired. 

I have my secret account that’s protected. I’m careful not to use names, links or email addresses to cause a Google search to point it out, but I don’t think Google indexes private accounts. Even if it was found it wouldn’t be the end of the world because no one can see my tweets. 

I will use this account just for me. Just a place to express thoughts and experiences in a snappier, less detailed way than I do in my journal. There are too many people out there who just can’t handle some of the things I have to say anyway. Remember, if you don’t conform to popular opinion, you’re racist, crazy or whatever it is society has decided you should be, and I don’t need to hear it. No matter how much complaining people do, I’m not going to be anybody other than myself. So a private Twitter account is fine with me. 

Later… 

Although I'm not sure why, my bad ear has been worse lately. Tom suggested I check into a pain management specialist, saying that maybe there’s a simple technique that could help it just like the emotional tapping helped with anxiety and other things. It's tempting, but I'm so sick of all the damn doctor's appointments. 

Although he always tells me not to worry about money and that my health is most important to him, which I really appreciate, it's hard on both of us. He has to take time off from work to take me to these appointments, and I have to juggle my schedule. The more appointments I have, the harder it is. I always wonder how I'm going to handle getting old and to the point where I need to go to the doctor constantly. 

As it is, I might have to get to my dentist sooner than September because a tooth is irritating me, and waiting too long could be the difference between a filling and a crown in my case. I need to ask my dentist if I should go back to using an old-fashioned non-electric toothbrush. Because I have soft enamel, maybe electric toothbrushes aren't a good idea. 

Not surprisingly, it looks like this new diet is failing and my weight is going to reset itself, scared to lose or not, and yes, after what I read, losing is definitely a bit of a scary thought when you’re on what's been a Jekyll-and-Hyde medication for you. When it's in the proper dose it is virtually side-effect-free. Just a little too much and all hell breaks loose. 

Anyway, I don't know yet what I'm going to do about my ear and teeth. I just want to get tomorrow's appointment over with and see what she says first before I decide, and I'm sure tomorrow's appointment is going to spawn more appointments, as usual. Appointments for me seem to be like cockroaches; they multiply big time. I’m guessing she's going to want to test my estrogen levels and who knows what she may want to do about me possibly having sleep apnea. She might even want to do a pap smear and God knows what else.

Ok, now I think Andy peeked in on my blog. The hit appeared to come from Longmeadow, as has happened in the past when he’s viewed me, but a closer check of the IP# shows it to be a Springfield IP#. Could’ve been connected to the M’s, though I doubt it. Pretty sure Andy uses Firefox and has Windows 7. 

If it was him, what was he looking for? I mean why bother? *sighs* I matter to those I should matter to, and unfortunately I also matter to those I shouldn't matter to. I’m not going back, though. I’m DONE with those from my past. I just wish they were as done with me. 

I plan to kill the Twitter account Kim and Aly know about and I’m going to throw out one last test to see if Kim’s still following right before I do, and I’d be willing to bet just about anything that she is. I could keep that account, but I have the other one no one knows about and it can do what any other account can do. So why keep an account Kim gets to play victim with by blocking every new account she creates? 

Seriously, though… Kim, Aly, Andy, Maliheh, Nane… we’re forever done. And if Tammy and I ever have another falling out in the future, that’s it for us, too. Andy is who he is just like I am who I am, and while he’s got some good in him, I don’t like him for the most part. Same goes for Aly. 

Went for a bike ride this morning as well as yesterday. It was nice save for the barking mutts that tried to break free of their leashes and chase us. Saw lots of ducks and turkeys out and about. 

Tom did a lot of yard work yesterday. Virginia was out at one point and she said it was too hot to be out working. It was a warm one, alright, in the 90s. Tomorrow it’s going to hit 100°. 

We discussed ideas for hiring someone to get rid of most of the stuff on our lot and what we want to replace it with. We’re still a ways away from doing this, but the thing we hate most is the ugly Cypress trees alongside the carport. I can’t wait to see a woodchipper swallow those things up. We’ll eventually put white plastic lattice (wood rots and needs repainting) in that area. We’re also going to replace the bark with white rocks, but aren’t sure what plants we’ll put in that area. The front will be leveled out and a retaining wall will be put up. 

We looked at different things at the hardware store, including what to block the rat(s) from getting under the couch. We’re thinking baseboards may be our best bet. 

We also went to Goodwill. I got a cute purple glittery squirrel figurine with “jewels,” and a dark purple skirt with a black stretchy waistband. 

Last night I dreamed we were living in what may’ve been an apartment or condo. Our place seemed pretty big. As I was walking closer to a large window I said to Tom, “This is such a beautiful view that I almost thought of moving my office in here till you get close enough to see that.” 

“That” was part of the building which was L-shaped. 

Since our place extended out further than the people above us, I could step out onto our porch, patio, balcony, or whatever it was and see up into their place. They too, had spacious windows. I could see a telescope sitting in front of one of them. 

Tom was telling me he never wanted to work again in another dream and I said I wished we could find a way to survive without money, but couldn’t think of any way to do so. 

Later… 

I wasn’t kidding when I said people can’t take a day off from the outdoor projects here and that includes holidays. I thought it was Bob at first, but the house behind his is being worked on. Kinda disrespectful if you ask me. 

We worked on the master shower, but the stems and valves need replacing. For now, Tom got it so it doesn’t drip. 

Sarah got a promotion at work, so I’m happy for her. We all are. 

When I read that a friend lowered her LDL score by 50 points by losing 28 pounds, I figured maybe it was time to rethink weight loss. It’s just that I haven't been able to lose the 30 pounds I could stand to lose since 2009 or so and so I figured it was just meant to be there. 

But then I got an idea. What if I just went by the scale and didn’t count calories or try to space out food throughout the day? Meaning this: I typically gain 2-3 pounds throughout the day and lose 1-1.5 in my sleep. So this means I would make sure I went to bed about a pound above what I woke up at and would likely be down the next day even if it were just by a couple of tenths. 

So I would have my coffee and maybe something small like a yogurt a half-hour after getting up. Within an hour or two I’d eat more. That’d keep me going for a few hours and then I’d eat again with fruit as “fillers.” It was important that I stop eating 4-5 hours before bed in order to give my body time to drop to a pound above what I woke up at. 

In the past, any diet I’d try would fail within a few days, and this one still may too, but after 5 successful days and 3 lost pounds, it does look a little promising. 

So what threw a dart in my excited little balloon and popped it ever so loudly? A medical problem I read about. I began to wonder if losing more than just a few pounds could affect how my medication affects me, and if it could invite the killer anxiety I had back all over again. It seemed logical in my mind to assume that the bigger you are, the more thyroid hormone your body would need. 

Sure enough, I found a complaint by someone on my exact same dose that had no problems for 6 years. But then when they lost 25 pounds they started experiencing the same symptoms. Now I’m not so sure I want this diet to continue working. :( 

Typical damn doctor too, who tried to convince her it was just a “panic attack” and recommended Paxil. They also refused to allow her to go to the lab, saying she had to wait 4 months for her yearly blood work. Shame on that doctor! So many of them just love to take the easy way out rather than deal with the problem. Come on, anyone who went to med school should know that her weight loss would very definitely affect her thyroid levels and cause her symptoms. If your thyroid works normally it adjusts on its own when you gain or lose weight. But when you’re taking it artificially, the body can’t adjust to its new weight. It’s a no-brainer, and I’ve never been to med school. I swear some of these doctors can be just as bad as cops and lawyers! 

This really shoots down my excitement, though. I don’t want to take the slightest chance and risk suffering all over again, even if it was just for a minute. That’s how bad it was. Looking back in my journal to when we attempted to get me to tolerate 88s, I started experiencing tightness in the chest a week after bumping up to this dose. By week two the extreme anxiety was kicking ass. 

Even if she’d gone to the lab, though, perfect numbers aren’t always “perfect.” Everyone’s different and you can’t lump everyone into a set of numbers. I can see if those numbers are extremely high or low, but sometimes they have a bracket that’s a little too narrow. 

Even though she posted her concern 8 years ago and she’s a total stranger, I felt so bad for her. Just so, so bad!

Life is great and I’ve been feeling great, but I do have a couple of things to be a little ticked off about. Let’s start with the Internet since that one’s simple. It was fine when I got up, but once I got out of the shower and prepared something to eat while watching Slasher (LOVE that show) on Netflix, I found it was out cold. 

Looks like it’s back now, but this is part of why I upload from Word. That and the fact that whatever content you put on a site could disappear at any given moment if it were hacked or shut down. 

And now for the lab. Yeah, these doctors and billing departments really need to be a little more organized. We waited nearly an hour for nothing. There were no screaming brats or anything like that, but who wants to spend Saturday morning sitting in a chair with a bunch of strangers? 

A vampire I’d never seen before eventually called me back. I told her I would require a butterfly needle. They didn’t have any butterfly needles at the moment, she said, and then she starts typing on her computer and points at the screen to show a balance of $72. She asked if I wanted to take care of that now or be sent a bill. 

Confused at why we’d suddenly owe this amount, I asked her to get Tom from the waiting room to see if he knew anything about it. Since we still couldn’t figure out why Doc O was listed as having orders since she just released me now that I’m stable, or why I’d need to be tested again when I was just tested weeks ago, we agreed to cancel the order. She deleted Doc O, too. It was ridiculous to pay extra for tests that were totally unnecessary. My TSH, T3 and T4 couldn’t change in 6 weeks unless I stopped my medication altogether. I take 75 mcg daily and that’s the way it stays unless my TSH score ever drops below 1.0, something that would take a long time to happen if it’s going to happen at all. 

Anyway, since Doc A’s the one working for us and not the other way around, we’re going to let her know… enough of the thyroid shit for now! Although my peri symptoms have been much better, I just want to deal with that right now. Not thyroids or cholesterol levels that are far from dangerous. 

But yeah, it’s amazing how much better I’ve felt both physically and emotionally. I’m not 100% perfect, but it’s been way better. Can’t say for sure if the emotional tapping plays a part in it or not, but it definitely makes me wonder. My sleep is more of an issue now than hot flashes, dizziness, or racing heart. 

So other than a house in Hawaii on the beach, I have virtually everything and anything I could want in life. Well, except for evenly colored hair. At Walmart yesterday I was browsing through hair dyes when I spotted a coupon sitting on the shelf for $2 off Preference dyes. So I thought I’d try one, and damn is it weird! It’s cream-colored and feels almost like you’re putting a thin layer of oil on your hair. It was very hard to saturate all the hairs. So from now on, I’ll have Tom dye it or I’ll just go to a salon.

It wasn’t Andy that looked in on my blog. It was Kaitlin, Kim’s friend. 

That’s it? That was fast! Yeah, Jackie’s place already sold. So I guess we’ll soon know what we’re in for. Please don’t let it be loud vehicles and tons of company! Or worse, like the people on the opposite side of the circle who used to leave their dog out overnight in their carport and had little kids living there. I really hope they’re as peaceful as the people who just moved in next to them. Hopefully, it’ll be all women. Men tend to make most of the noise. Not that they can’t use loud power tools in their carport, but I sure am glad there’s no garage there. Garages definitely seem to raise the chances of more than just cars being parked in it. 

I thought Bob lost his mind for a minute yesterday. I was arranging clothes in drawers and closets, and when I looked out the back bedroom window I saw him standing at the edge of his property swinging a golf club. I don’t know anything about golf, but he sure seemed to know what he was doing. He’s very strong and fit for an 86-year-old and never seems to run out of energy. Anyway, I quickly realized he probably got a new club or a new grip or something that he was just testing out. 

He and Jim still go on morning walks together, and golfing about once a week. Virginia goes out a couple of times a day but is otherwise as non-active as you can get. 

I both hate and love our new front loader, but mostly love it. I didn’t yesterday, though, when the detergent pod got stuck in the seal. It was a real pain in the ass to have to wipe out the gooey mess, so now it’s liquid detergent only. Tammy says pods can ruin the machines anyway. Well, they sure are more expensive. I’ll keep using them in the dishwasher. 

I ran an empty quick wash to get rid of the rest of it, but these washers don’t fill with water the way we thought they would. There’s no water line across the door, and when the clothes are washing they don’t appear to slosh around in water or anything. It just looks like wet clothes tumbling round and round. 

Meanwhile, I love how you don’t need to set a load size, how much water it saves, and all the cool features it has. The timer is kind of meaningless, though, cuz it will often get stuck on the same time, then suddenly drop several minutes. It just gives you an idea of how much time is left. 

Last night I dreamed that I awoke to find someone’s arm draped over me. It seemed to be meant to comfort me. I was on my side with my back facing them, whoever they were. I didn’t seem too alarmed in the dream and I seemed to have an idea of who they were. What amazed me was how they managed to slip into bed and put their arm around me without waking me up. 

The arm seemed young, strong and feminine, and when I woke up for real I couldn’t help but ask, as incredibly silly as it may seem… was that really just a dream?

Got a blog visitor from Springfield. They've got Comcast like Andy has, but I don't think it's him because the person has an Apple iPad. They also have the Safari browser, which he once tried and hated. Pretty sure he once mentioned having a neighbor that had an Apple computer of some kind but I don't think it was an iPad. Ginger, was her name. He’d complain she’d talk too much about nothing but was otherwise a helpful neighbor. It's possible he looked in on me through her or through someone else, but not likely. I think he’s as done with me as I am with him. Plus, how would he get to my blog link if he’s got me blocked? Then again, there are other ways to get it. 

Kim is definitely not reading my blog. She would’ve changed the handle of the account I mentioned if she was. I’m curious to see how long I hold her interest on Twitter, though. I’m going to tweet casually till my sweeps subscription expires, call out a handle, see if she changes it, then deactivate that account for good. 

Later… 

Poor Tom is now working 12-hour shifts. They’re changing the way they do things at work, so that’s why. We’re so glad a 3-day weekend is coming up! It’s mad money, but we need time together more than we need money right now. 

Going to stop treating the two toenails I was treating for discoloration. For one, they’re not that bad anymore and I think it was irritating the big toe. This is the one they cut the ingrown nail out of. I noticed a brownish strip along the base of the nail and it stung like a cut would sting. The toe also felt warmer than my other toes. So yeah, I’ll take a break from treating it. It’s summer (finally) and I hate naked toenails anyway. Hot pink with silver glitter here I come! 

They had our water off for a brief period yesterday, and I saw the woodpecker that annoys us every now and then. From what I read, they’re most annoying from March through May, so hopefully the damn thing will take off soon. I scared it off yesterday, so maybe it will be too afraid to return. 

Ironically enough, since applying the emotional tapping routine to the dizziness, I do seem to be less dizzy lately. Still get fatigued at times, though. I was thinking of trying it on other things as well. It’s not limited just to anxiety. It’s good for anger, depression and other things. If it works, I will definitely wish I could hug the hell out of Stacey! 

If nothing lasts forever, please tell me this feminine itching and burning won’t last forever either! Tom thinks I won’t notice it as much once the peri is done. I hope he’s right! The things I use for it help, but it’s not a cure-all, just like baby oil doesn’t cure my intermittent earaches. So I’m tapping to keep the anxiety away, plus pain, fatigue, dizziness and weight. I have lost a couple of pounds, yes, but I think it’s just water, as usual. 

Finally heard from Tammy yesterday after I emailed her. I don’t know if it’s Facebook not delivering messages or her just forgetting things due to all the shit she’s going through, but I feel so bad for her either way. Her last surgery was a bust, she’s on more painkillers and steroids, and her feet are all swollen. It’s like the doctors are making her worse instead of better much like my first team of doctors. :( She has an appointment on the first too, and I guess they’re going to discuss a couple of surgeries in June. 

Speaking of Facebook, another reason not to be too thrilled with them was the sad “memory” from a few days ago. According to my yearly memory for that day, Simone would now be with us for one year had I not had to go and have breathing issues. I still miss her. Life was harder with her and she was a noisy pain in the ass but she was also a lot of love and fun. 

One of Kim’s friends sent me a request and I accepted it (a beautiful black girl who also went to the Willie Ross School for the Deaf), but I had to unfollow her because she posts like crazy, LOL. She seems really nice, though. I was briefly tutored there when I first became a ward of the state. I think you have to be at least half-deaf to get in there. Well, I scored that one easily enough. 

Just so my fine readers know, I met Kim in 1991. She was the nurse at the ER I was in when I had a bad asthma attack. As she was leaving while I was waiting for a ride home, I commented on the book The Joy of Signing I spotted in her hand. She was learning ASL, which I’d learned in my teens. This was back in Massachusetts. 

Tom and I joke about cleaning the carpet and going Japanese. We’re going to hire someone to clean it since it’s been two years since it was installed, and rather than buy our own carpet cleaner, we’ll just stop wearing shoes in the house like the Japanese folks because that’s what tracks in most of the dirt. 

I need to take more detailed notes of my dreams. I had a Valleyhead-related dream but can’t remember it. All I wrote was “VH.” 

Then there was something about a clogged toilet and me stepping outside the bathroom to find several people in a long, narrow indoor pool nearby. 

The last dream involved Karen, an old lady in Texas who’s been reading me for years. It seemed like it had to do with her getting old and me assuring her I’d be there for her somehow.

Slept ok, though I don’t know if I had a massive dizzy spell in my sleep or if I was dreaming. Real or not, I seemed to be fighting for balance, unsure of which way was up or down. I definitely had dreams of a few people from the past I don’t care to remember – Aly, Paula and Barbara. 

I was at Aly’s house and had to be there for some reason that was beyond our control. First she got pissed at me for turning the volume up too high on her laptop, then she got pissed when I accidentally said something her father overheard that she didn’t want him to know. 

Paula was texting me and enclosed a quick video clip of some football game. This was something I knew her to be into, and while I didn’t care for that particular sport, I was surprised she was in touch with me. 

Barbara wrote me a letter by hand, but I don’t know what it said. It didn’t seem to say anything bad, though. 

We’re finally getting back into the 80s and I hope this is finally it and that summer is finally here to stay. Summer’s been teasing us big time this year, with unusually cool/wet weather that I’m totally sick of. I want to be running around barefoot in shorts and tanks, not bundled up in robes and slippers. 

I LOVE being back to being anxiety-free! I only feel a little bit on Monday mornings as he’s leaving for work. I MUST do what I can to keep it this way! I can’t take any more levothyroxine and I can’t take anything new other than some form of natural hormone therapy remedy. I just can’t risk inviting that God-awful anxiety back all over again. I just can’t do that to myself and put myself through possible torture all over again. My thyroid’s just ever so barely out of the normal range, and I can’t believe my arteries could be that plaqued up this young. I just want to focus on the peri when I see the doctor next Wednesday. 

How stupid can I be? Of course I can test to see if Kim's reading my blog! All I have to do is mention one of her fan accounts in a post. I just edited a handle into tonight’s entry. If she sees it when she gets up/online, the link will change. I never knew if she was avoiding my blog due to its tracker, or if she was getting around the tracker somehow. Now I’ll know and can stop wondering. 

Anyway, I slept 8 hours, took a nap, and I’m still tired. Ugh.

Began watching the series Slasher on Netflix. It’s pretty good so far, though they’ve only got one season there. 

I couldn’t get into CSI: Miami, but CSI: New York is ok. Not as good as Criminal Minds and Law & Order, though. 

Fell asleep yesterday without lorazepam, but as usual, I woke up and needed to take it to get back to sleep and into a deeper sleep as well. It seems that without it, I only go into a light sleep and I wake up constantly. My HR reflects this on Fitbit. I’ve learned that if my HR doesn’t drop to around 68-70, I’m not going to sleep soundly. It never got under 73 last night. So now I’m taking the stuff more for sleep than for anxiety until my doc puts me on some kind of hormonal replacement therapy to help with these shitty peri symptoms. I’ve been a little less dizzy, though, these last two days, so that’s good. 

The door slamming has begun at Jackie’s house, but it looks like it’s just that dumpy white pickup that’s been coming around a lot lately. You can only see the house by appointment only, so at least there won’t be any open house to deal with. That’d bring a lot more traffic. 

Saw an article warning people in Pinal County, where we used to live in Arizona, about the Mexican drug cartel. They suggest people arm themselves to be safe. So glad we got out of there when we did! Not just because of them, though, of course. We were total sitting ducks for evil, and it would have only been a matter of time before evil struck again.

So much for feeling better. My ear’s bugging me again, I’m a little dizzy, and here we go with the extreme fatigue again, too. I just don’t get it. Why do I suddenly feel as if I’ve been drugged? I have things to do today. I can’t afford to lie around in bed all day. Fatigue isn’t as bad as dizziness, but both can be debilitating. 

Aly tweeted that slightly creepy Fitbit friends are awesome. Yeah, she would think that, now that I know what kinds of people she prefers as friends. I mean I’ve always known this just like I always knew Mary was attracted to abusive men. But now I really know. 

So then what’s wrong with Aly’s friend Brianne? I figure there’s got to be something wrong with her since they’ve been friends longer than we were friends, and Aly prefers them crazy/creepy. Well, it’s her problem, and while I know it doesn’t matter, I can’t help but wonder about something she said that makes no sense at all. She said she left Prosebox to “sever ties.” As in not wanting to use a site I use. 

But she remains on Twitter and Facebook? I’m still on those sites, too. 

The only thing I’ll miss about her is her intelligence and excellent memory. Not to sound like a know-it-all, but there is just so, so much stupidity in this world! I know people can’t always help/control their intelligence levels and that I should be more patient and tolerant of those not as quick to catch on, but having to explain things over and over really gets to me at times. Things I know damn well I already told them or that they probably read in my blog. Seriously, when someone asks me about something I already told them or wrote about I honestly want to beat my head in the wall. If you’re going to take the time to ask someone something, take the time to listen to the answer! I can see if you’ve got learning/memory issues, but it’s hard to believe that many people out there just don’t get things or remember much of what others say. 

I suppose I could blame some of this on Facebook. I honestly don’t think Tammy's getting some of my messages there. She asked what happened with Andy and I, and I was like, seriously? But I’ve written about it and I swear I mentioned it to her. I’m thinking maybe some of the messages didn’t make it to her and she might’ve missed some posts, some of which I actually deleted. I was still surprised, though. Time to email more and Facebook less? 

I took 39 lessons during the first two days of my Italian review, but the fluency counter is broken. No matter how many lessons I do and no matter how well I do on them, it always tells me I’m 15% fluent. Others are complaining about the same thing.

Reactivated my old Twitter account just long enough to do a test. I’ve always been curious… if you tweet to someone and then deactivate your account, does the person still see your tweet? So I tweeted to one of Kim’s fan accounts, asking why she follows me, then deactivated again. She’ll answer my Twitter question by whether or not she changes links. 

She hasn’t found my newest account because I’m not blocked from any of her accounts there. 

I’m also curious about her own schedule. Assuming she will see the tweet and that Twitter’s probably one of the first things she does when she comes online, this will give me a sense of when she’s up. I thought Aly once said that she was up late and slept in. She seemed to come online around 11:30 AM her time. 

Actually, she might not see it from what I just read. This makes more sense because I tweeted to her around midnight her time when I thought she might still be up. But maybe not. I’ll know tomorrow morning for sure. 

Later… 

Feeling better so far today. I was up a long time but slept well enough. I’m trying to see if the same emotional tapping that helps with anxiety can help with dizziness. It’s supposed to help with a number of things. 

My ear isn’t bugging me today, at least as of yet, and it’s too soon to say how dizzy I’ll be. 

Made quite a bit of progress on my story yesterday, went for a long walk, and did some cleaning. I also blogged and took a few Italian lessons as part of my review plan. You know, the usual stuff. 

What’s a great way to practice your Spanish writing? Just jot notes on what dreams you remember in the language! Maybe I’ll alternate between that, Italian and German. 

My dreams were strange and senseless. Tom chose a bunch of incense sticks and fragrances for me, and I snuck up to a house where a towel had been left just outside the door and started painting it. When a woman opened the door, I slid back behind a bush as she turned to say something to someone inside the house. 

Then a man was arrested inside a large building for trying to steal an ostrich. He was seated in a chair as the officers chatted nearby. He glanced up at me as I walked by and I hoped he wouldn’t suddenly dart out of his chair and grab me or anything. 

I then opened the door to a tiny windowless room, wondering if perhaps I should’ve waited till he was taken away so he couldn’t see where I was staying.

Went to Denny’s last night and will definitely not be going back. It was busy even at 3:00 in the morning! Furthermore, the service sucked. Things took forever and got screwed up along the way, so I slammed them on Yelp. The food was ok, though the oil the fries were cooked in was probably older than this house. 

Had a hot flash while I was there too, though it didn’t last long. 

Stopped at Walgreens after that. Got a cute, colorful tunic that’s almost 70’s looking with its wide lace sleeves that are gathered above the elbow. I also got a pink floral scarf. 

Just because I personally don’t identify with any religion doesn’t mean my stomach’s forgotten my Jewish heritage, which means a tendency to be lactose intolerant. Therefore, I’m drinking my bottle of low-fat chocolate milk a few swallows at a time. 

Kim (probably Aly, too) was following my Twitter account religiously. I did some tests to prove it and she failed miserably. We’re not friends anymore so there’s no reason they should be playing looky-looky. Yes, I could’ve protected the tweets, since changing links is pretty useless. There are numerous ways to find accounts with new links/names if you’re computer savvy enough. I’ve found many things on various people without actually doing anything illegal. The reason I didn’t just protect the tweets, though, was so that Kim - unless she finds the secret account I created - would be denied the opportunity to play victim by blocking me from her dozens of fan accounts. 

Man, I am just so fucking sick of even thinking of them. The only reason Kim hasn’t contacted me is that the coward can’t do it anonymously. I’m sure she’s getting a royal kick out of reading this, but I am NOT going to hold back in my own blog and I am NOT going to default all posts to midnight like I considered doing. This was to keep them from knowing my schedule, but you know what? I don’t give a shit if they know when I’m awake or not. I’m not on as many social/blog sites these days, so the only chance they get to play their blocking game is on Facebook and Blogger, assuming they’re not on Prosebox or LiveJournal. I’ve become the same recluse online that I tend to be in person. It’s just easier that way. 

I don’t doubt that they’ll spend hours hunting down my new Twitter account, but since Kim can’t resist playing vicky vicky, I’ll know if it’s found because I’ll be blocked on all her fan sites. 

You know, the more time that passes, the gladder I am that my “friendship” with Aly fell through. Both liars are two peas in a pod for damn sure with the only difference between them being that Aly’s smart and Kim’s not. 

I wonder, though… If Aly’s friends with Molly, as I suspect, then why didn’t I see any accounts of hers on her follow list? Why don’t I see her on my tracking list? Molly is either dead, doing an unbelievably damn good job of hiding, or those in charge of her are doing a fabulous job of keeping her offline. 

I also wonder if Tammy's gone a bit Andy on me. She asked what happened with me and Andy, and I’m like, seriously? I wrote about that and mentioned it to her, so why would she ask that? This isn’t the only time I’ve noticed this flakiness in her, though she’s always had a bit of a flaky side. She’s not dumb, but she’s not always quick to catch on or to remember things. 

OMG, I just felt the weirdest sensation in my head. It’s like a rush came over it and I went deaf but also didn’t. I wondered if I’d pass out or if this was it… I was going to have a stroke or a heart attack. Heart got a little racy and I felt a little anxious, but my guess is it’s tied in with the peri. I hope so! I hope nothing else is going on with me that I don’t know about. My bad ear has been driving me crazy lately, and I still have feminine itching. I hope my former young and inexperienced doc, hot or not, was right in that it’s not due to an infection but enlarged hair follicles from all the shaving I had to do as an exotic dancer way back when. 

I had some honey turkey and it calmed my anxiety. 

I also felt a bit short of breath and then had another sensation run through my head sort of like when you get tired and are about to fall asleep. Sleep. That’s something I miss doing normally. I may not have been able to keep a schedule most of my life, but the sleep itself used to be normal. I was always a bit of a light sleeper that needed to sleep with sound machines on, but otherwise, I didn’t wake up a million times. I still sleep an average of 8 hours, but it’s sometimes hard to fall asleep and I never sleep straight through. Some nights/days are worse than usual. It took me forever to fall asleep last time around and every time I thought I was about to knock off, I’d float back up to wakefulness. This fucking sucks and my doc’s still a week and two days away. Gotta hit the lab next weekend, too.

Every now and then I watch random YouTube vids at the end of my day when I’m too tired to do anything productive yet not ready to sleep. I watched one vid sentencing two 25-year-old black girls to life for beating a 3-year-old girl to death that belonged to one of them. 

The reaction was classic. One fainted silently, the other hit the floor hyperventilating loudly. Both had to be wheeled out in chairs. 

Mama nigress screamed like a hyena and tried to push forth to one of the monster nigresses. “That’s my baby!” she screamed as she was led out of the courtroom. 

Yeah, well, her “baby” killed a child in cold blood. Just wondering how that must make her feel, but if she’s like most mothers, she probably believes the death was an accident. And if the killers are like most killers, they too, would believe, or at least say the same thing. 

As one who has always been curious and fascinated with the human mind, I just wonder if these people are even capable of feeling any guilt if they can at least admit to themselves, that they killed an innocent child. 

Later… 

It seems the only time I’m not dizzy these days is the first few hours of my day. It really sucks. While it’s nice that I read that only 5% of cases of dizziness are serious, and I’m pretty sure that this is related to perimenopause, I’m not going to rest assured until I see my doctor. She’s still 11 long days away. 

I didn’t take any lorazepam before bed and therefore I ended up sleeping shitty. I don’t remember having any hot flashes or my heart getting too racy, but it’s like I was “startled” awake halfway through my sleep. As Tom said, we definitely gotta check into the possibility of sleep apnea. After lying there a while, I finally took a lorazepam. If I’m going to need to take it before bed at least while I’m in the peri stage, fine. It’s such a low dosage. 

The only problem is that I’m still prone to side effects and don’t know if I’d have the guts to even take anything she may recommend to help me. I’m going to have to with the dizziness, though, cuz it’s just too frequent. I looked at some OTC stuff online (not that I want to take anything before seeing her) and they listed all the major symptoms except for dizziness. The only mood I saw mentioned on the OTC stuff was “irritability.” Nothing about anxiety or depression. Most just said mood swings, which I take to mean when one is being a bitch. 

We’re having the strangest weather in all the years we’ve lived here. Another cold snap along with rain. It almost never rains this late into the year. Every time I think summer is here to stay, we end up having to put the heat on. So here I am bundled up in socks and a robe when I would rather be barefoot and sleeveless. If all goes well we’re looking at possibly moving to Florida in about 8 years instead of 12 since Hawaii is almost certainly out of the question. 

They just laid off half a dozen or so people at work, so Tom should be safe for at least another year. 

The Bluetooth speaker still stutters when reading audiobooks, but does a good job with music. Since it was cheap, I’m using it in the bathroom rather than sending it back. Why not listen to music while I’m showering? 

Wish Tom was up. I’m a little lonely and depressed, but I need to learn to cheer my own self up. I may not be suffering like last year, but it still sucks. I’m dizzy. I have no energy. My ear’s been bugging me more. I can’t sleep. I’m borderline anxious/depressed at times, and tonight I’m cold, too. :( Is it really going to get better for me? 

Later… 

Who do I want for president? I’ve been asked this a few times. First of all, I’ve never bothered to vote because I’m just not big on politics in the first place. I do tend to prefer to see Democrats in power more than Republicans because Dems are less hateful towards women and gays. 

As a bit of a sexist, I’m inclined to want Hillary. The only woman I was glad to see fail was Palin because of her narrow-minded bigotry and her being all about family when her own family was a pretty pathetic example. Oh, the hypocrisy. 

To me, a woman should have the right to choose, and there are no “norms.” It doesn’t matter if you’re single with/without kids. It doesn’t matter if you’re married with/without kids. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay and single or gay and married with/without kids. All that matters is love, respect, fairness, acceptance, honesty and consideration. So… just because you may be straight and married with 2.whatever children, it doesn’t make you “normal” or “correct.” You’re just straight and married with 2.whatever children. Period. 

What I don’t support is the growing tolerance and favoritism of our more problematic groups. Therefore, while I don’t care for Trump’s hatred of gays, Jews and women, I do support his views on immigration and Muslims. The only problem is that there isn’t much he can do about these things. Presidents can’t just make laws. So how does he think he can keep Muslims out of the US? 

In the end, politicians are all the same. They’re all liars. They all fail to do what they say they’re going to do. And they’re all just greedy, power-hungry, self-serving little beings on the planet. 

Anyway, we went walking earlier but it was a bit chilly so we were only out there for 15 minutes. There were tons of little flies since it recently rained. I’m hoping that this is FINALLY it and summer is going to kick in to stay. It’s predicted to be a mild one, which is both good and bad. It’s bad for the solar-heated pool and could invite more outdoor activity, but it’s good for the electric bill, sleeping and working out. 

I’m not as dizzy today. The only bad thing is that Jackie’s house is for sale. Goodbye, quiet neighbor. Hello…? 

I just dread all the vehicle door slamming I’ll be in for as the house is shown and the newbies move in. That house is closer to us than the women who moved in next to them, which thankfully, have been nice and quiet so far. But can we get that lucky again with this house? They have no garage, but you can never know what you’re in for till you get it. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of people parked alongside our driveway till they get settled, too. 

What will be next to go up for sale? The house in back? Geri? Geri doesn’t seem that old, though, and I’m guessing next door has another decade or so left in them. 

Slept better last night, and am looking forward to a late dinner at Denny’s. Might stop at Walgreens after that, too. 

I swam in the ocean in my dreams, and then I showed off my new manicure to a huge woman. Pink flowers and green leaves adorned my nails. They’re blue with magenta glitter in reality.

A woman’s vid of her threatening and scaring the shit out of her toddler for losing her charger went viral. The shit got off on a bond set not much higher than mine was for a fucking letter. That’s so damn American, isn’t it? Thank God she didn’t actually hit the child. Then her bond would’ve been half of what it was. 

Relaxing after a 45-minute workout. Checked in on Facebook real quick. As usual, what little of my feed I glanced at was just friends commenting on people I don’t even know. 

First I went on a 27-minute walk and my average HR was 130. I felt great. Just a little dizzy once I got to the gates. I only saw one turkey along the way as the sun was setting. I was chilly at first cuz it was pretty windy out, but as expected, I warmed up once I hit the first curve (down the main outer street). 

Once home, I guzzled some water, downed a smoothie, then hit the Bowflex for 15 minutes or so. 

My wireless Bluetooth speaker with the color-changing LED lights arrived and the first time I used it after it was paired with Dot (Alexa’s now in the bedroom) it fits nicely on the treadmill tray and sounded fine. I got it so I could listen to audiobooks without having to blast the shit out of Alexa in order to hear it over the treadmill’s motor. The second time around it stuttered and I don’t know why. Not yet anyway. 

The original plan was to dump my Twitter account and create a whole new anonymous account no one knew about. But then I did a poll, out of curiosity, to see if anyone was reading my tweets that actually liked doing so. I asked if I should keep the account or no, and I got one vote saying yes. Yeah, but was it from a random person who just then stumbled about my account or someone I’ve actually talked to before? *shrugs* I guess it won’t hurt to keep the account either way. 

Aly was surprised and confused that I accepted her apology and forgave her, and I explained to her why. If I hadn’t been close to her, or had she done something huge like harmed Tom or burned our house down, that’d be different. I also can’t forgive those who can’t admit their mistakes and apologize. “I’m sorry” and “I love you” are said to be the hardest things for many people to say. But why? We ALL fuck up and we ALL love someone. 

So yes, I’ve forgiven her, but not her friends. I am content to move on as non-enemies with all of them rather than try to resume the friendship with Aly, especially now that I know she doesn’t like me. I like her; I just wouldn’t be able to trust her. I would also worry about every little thing I said to her, wondering if I was being too blunt and, without wanting to, hurting her feelings or angering her. 

It's just a bit sad that I had to find out what she and Kim really thought of me in the way that I did. I learned through Kim’s anonymous contact on Ask till I figured out it was her, and I learned just what Aly was thinking of me through her tweets. Now don't get me wrong. No one's obligated to like me. People can hate me all they want or at least not like me. I only ask that people tell me if that's the way they feel and not pretend otherwise till they either finally break the news to me or I catch them admitting it anonymously or elsewhere. I don’t bite. Don’t be so afraid of me. I’m not going to beat you up if you tell me you don’t like me or don’t want to be friends with me anymore. 

As I also told her, she’s not a bad person. She just has some flaws just like the rest of us. :)

Went out walking yesterday evening, saw a key was missing from the package pickup box, doubled back and got our key to our box. Sure enough, my display cases were there. So now 62 of my 104 fairies and animals are in cases and curios. 

Having fun with PinDown which I discovered last night. It’s a way to copy full-sized pins to your hard drive, and even other people’s pins/boards on Pinterest. It’s free, and its only limit is that you can’t DL boards with over 300 pins unless you pay 99 cents a month. 

Slept shitty and was a little dizzy earlier, but nothing major. I dreamed some rather unpleasant dreams, too. In one dream we lost everything and had to stay in a huge room with lots of other people until we could afford our own room. 

Then I was walking around a crowded building topless, but no one seemed to notice. 

Then I was sitting in some classroom or auditorium and realized the small notebook I’d been journaling in wasn’t with me. I glanced at a similar one on a nearby desk and asked the person who sat at it, “Is that yours?” 

When they nodded in confirmation I took off running to find mine since it contained a lot of writing that had yet to be digitized. 

In the last dream, I called some Italian girl I liked who had returned to Italy from visiting the States. She didn’t seem too excited by my call. I decided to call again next year and see if I had a better chance of a long-distance relationship with her, LOL.

Although mild so far, the dizzies are back. So I’m only allowed two good days in a row every now and then? Pretty sad, and well, I’m just wondering what the fuck I ever did to deserve to suffer. It’s better than anxiety, but suffering is suffering and it all sucks just the same. 

Thought more about some things Aly said in her apology to me. Ok, I’m aware that I can be critical at times, but I still don't see how I could have brought her to “dark” places. Could it be that she was already there? Hell, the girl had a lot of shit going on in her life. I’d be in a dark, depressing place too, if I had a rare blood disease, even if I was sure I would beat it in the end. From what I read, depression is a very common symptom of cancer, among many other things. 

At this point, however, while I appreciate her apology immensely, does it really matter if she thinks I was causing her depression or not? If she wants to move on then I will let her. I agree it’s for the best, but for different reasons than she does. I agree to move on because she’s lied to me more than once and I don’t think I could ever trust her again other than with an occasional, “Hello. How have you been? What’s going on in your life?” 

For her, it’s because we’re too different in the way we think and handle things. I personally don’t mind those who are different than me so long as they don’t try to control or change me, but I respect and accept that we all have our ideas of what makes or breaks a friendship. 

I truly did try my best to be there for her, and I never meant to offend or depress her. I know this and that’s good enough for me. :) 

Kim and Molly are really all she needs for friends since they definitely have much more in common, and having common ground matters a lot to her. They may not treat her well, but at least they make her happy. 

Not only is it true that crime doesn’t pay but that crime makes no sense. Why isn’t violence taken very seriously in this country??? 

I was furious when I read that actor Wendell Pierce was released on just a 1K bond for assaulting a woman. A 1K bond! Mine was over 2K. Ok, so I’m not black, male, rich and famous, but I’ll never understand why violent crimes, unless it’s cold-blooded murder, aren’t taken seriously and why it’s not non-violent crimes that matter. If that cock does any time (and I’m sure it won’t) I’m guessing 10-30 days. Maybe 90 if it were white or female. It makes me sick, but… on the bright side, I know that if I were ever provoked into an attack and forced to defend myself, they’re not likely to do shit about it as long as my attacker’s white. Of course I’d be fucked if they weren’t white cuz then they’d play the race card, and who do you think would be believed? 

There also seems to be no logic within sentences for non-violent crimes. I’ll bet if I’d get a lot less for breaking into one’s house and stealing thousands worth of stuff than if I hurt your feelings or pissed you off with words you didn’t want to hear. 

Had strange dreams last night. Tom checking under the hood of the car. Peering over a retaining wall in which people walked single file through 4-foot-deep water. Turning around to be sucked up by a whirlpool in a half-tube sort of like a water slide, and then Barbara living beneath me in an apartment building. 

Yeah, that Barbara. The one from the NHA. Only she didn’t live next to and above me, but just below me. She also didn’t have the oxygen tube in her neck as she does today. I doubt she’s been living in apartments for years. I’m sure the bitch has a gorgeous mansion. God truly does seem to bless the evil. Really, what kind of coward knocks on the door threatening someone she knows damn well she could’ve beaten at the time and that was very ill with lung issues? 

Oh, how I would love it if she came to my door now, with or without her little ox tube. I have 50 – almost 60 – more pounds on me now, am healthier than I was back then in most ways, and definitely have the focus and temper to take her down a peg or two. 

But that’s just the thing… God’s not going to put an old bully in front of me He knows I could now get even with. He always, ALWAYS protects my perps. Once again, though, this is even assuming he exists, and once again I have gotten off-topic. 

Not much more to the dream. I was chatting excitedly to her and some older woman about a washer I was excited to be getting. 

Just found her on Facebook. Why is it I sometimes search for years for someone just to not find them, then bam! There they are. I sent her, her husband David, her daughter Jen, and another relative, the same piece of my mind knowing that at least one of them would probably see it. And tell Barb if she’s not the one. *grins mischievously* 

They all have the ‘add friend’ option disabled. Probably don’t want to be friended for their money. Then again, Barb’s Daytona Beach house looks rather ordinary. Her little “necklace” also doesn’t seem to be hindering her ability to live life to its fullest and have some real fun. Ok, so maybe she can’t jump in a swimming pool, but other than being fatter (about 180 now), she can probably do almost anything else. I told her: 

Remember me from the NHA? I would LOVE to see you come running to my door threatening me now. What a coward you were to threaten someone who was then 90 pounds soaking wet and rather ill. But now I'm a 150-pound weightlifter, very healthy, and very ready for you. Come to NorCal, Barbara!

Another dizzy-free day. Not sure how long it’ll last, but I’m enjoying it while it does. The doctor said I could come to see her sooner, and I’d like that, only I still have to do the lab a week before seeing her, and Tom would have to take more time off to take me. He already put in to have the first off, so since the earwax kit seems to be helping, I’m going to just hang tough for the next 16 days, as I told her. She said it was possible earwax could be the cause and recommended Debrox, another OTC de-waxer. I’ll keep it in mind if the one we have doesn’t continue to help. I just did the last treatment. 

I slept better last night too, again having taken a lorazepam before bed. 

Giving my brain a break having finished the Dutch course before I begin reviewing my Italian. 

We went for a bike ride even though it was pretty hot. The hat I got in Mexico saved me. My pink sparkly cap would only blow off my head, so I wore my Mexican one because it has a drawstring under the neck. 

Although I’m not fond of the limited skipping, I like Pandora more than I thought I would. They seem to have a bigger selection than AP. 

Last night I dreamed I was at some outdoor event that may’ve been a concert of some kind. We were in this covered area sitting at one of many tables. It was dark and the people appeared as silhouettes. 

I had to pee and wove my way through the people sitting at their tables and toward the bathroom. I leaned a hand on one table to steady myself and a woman went off on me for it. Not sure if she swore at me, but I sure swore at her all the way into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Outside I could hear two women talking about finding someone in particular to discuss the matter with, but I didn’t care. They’d been rude and I’d reacted.

One of Mike’s sons replied to my message saying: Fuck you. I'd threaten your life but you living is the most perverse torture anyone could conceive. My parents are both saints you sick little puppy dog. You will be reincarnated as an aborted baby. Good night silly bitch. 

Wow. That’s pretty vicious for what I would expect of a son of Mike’s. I’m surprised he didn’t block me. I never heard any more from the obvious nutjob, so I didn’t block him. I just replied with, “Good one. Good night to you, too.” That’s all I have to say to this one cuz this is the type of person to stalk the shit out of someone if you piss them off bad enough. 

How can I be reincarnated if I was aborted, though? LOL 

Today was much better as far as the dizziness goes. Maybe my ear really was a factor, but I don’t expect to be perfect. In just over 2 weeks I will discuss it with A. Like Tom said, though,  O would never have released me if she thought it was anything serious. 

I still miss the me that had little more than just allergies, earaches and toothaches. I had no idea peri would bring me so much hell. Not too much anxiety or racy heart lately, though, and those are the worst symptoms one could have, so that’s good. Just some hot flashes, fatigue, shitty sleep, and a whole lotta dizzies. 

Last night I slept better than the night before because I took a lorazepam before bed. I definitely tend to feel better during the day if I’ve slept well the night before 

It was a fun and productive weekend overall, but Sunday was definitely better than Saturday cuz I felt better. The only thing we didn’t get to was changing the washers in the master shower. He fixed the motion sensor light in front, changed the wiper blades on the car even though it shouldn’t rain for months, and did a lot of landscaping. He also cleaned the air conditioner’s filter. 

One of the coolest things is that after a year and a half of studying nearly every day, I have passed the Dutch course, completing all the lessons within the “tree!!!” Next up is Italian review. 

I just wish weekends didn’t go so fast. I still don’t like being alone for long periods at a time, and despite the big bucks it brings, Tom is really hoping for little to no OT this week, but that’s not usually how it works. 

We had an AMEX gift card, a Best Buy gift card and a Chili’s gift card. We decided not to go to Chili’s because it was Sunday and would be too crowded. We’ll save that for a weekday. 

We went to Best Buy first where Tom got blue earbuds to listen to music at work. 

After that, we went to Target. It wasn’t as crowded as Walmart, of course, but it was still fairly crowded, and oh, those screaming brats. 

It was still fun to get out and do some shopping even if we didn’t really need anything for the most part. We got over $100 of stuff yet it only cost us $30. He did get a really nice pair of what we guess is called pruning shears. They sort of look like these giant metal cutters. He also got new wiper blades for the car. 

I looked at sheets both in the store and on Amazon because we could use a couple of new sets, and I honestly don’t know where to begin. Every type of sheet at every price has conflicting reviews. So who am I to believe? I try to go by a ratio of good to bad, but sometimes that one bad review just seems so awful that I am hesitant to take a chance on the product. 

I asked a lady at the store where the slippers were and she said they didn’t have any now because that was a seasonal thing. Not even a second later, I turned and crossed the aisle and there were a few scattered pairs mixed in with the pajamas. I grabbed a pair of slip-on slippers with an open back since the cheap fleece ones I got from Amazon aren’t the greatest. 

I also got a pack of neon-colored ankle socks in six different colors, and a gorgeous necklace where the chain is gathered with a small gold clasp at the chest and then two chains dangle down toward my bellybutton, each with a clear crystal hanging off the ends. 

Lastly, I got a fat Barbie with burgundy hair that wears a blue dress that matches her shoes and her eyes. She’s from the Fashionista collection. Barbie has gotten amazingly realistic, diverse and beautiful over the years and makes for great decorative pieces, IMO. 

We both got some treats and some frozen goodies. 

Last night I dreamed I was in what may’ve been a fairly busy restaurant. A young waitress asked me to see if I got any bad vibes from someone in section 3. I agreed, but once I got to section 3 I realized I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to see what kind of vibes emanated from, as the waitress hadn’t specified any specific person. 

It was nighttime in another dream, and I went to use a commercial bathroom somewhere. It was a large bathroom in a large store, sort of like what you’d find in Walmart or someplace like that. Suddenly I realized the floor was wet and I only had socks on my feet. I went down the rows of stalls hoping for a dry one I could get into in my socked feet, but there was water everywhere. The dream people did not want me emptying my bladder, haha. 

At night when the traffic has died down, I love to relax in bed and listen to my audiobook. I think I’ll go do that now, even if that sometimes makes me tire down earlier than I’d like.

Saw fairly recent pics of Mike M and his wife Daryl. I hate to say it, though neither one ever did anything wrong to me, but they both look great for their age, as do their sons. Mike just has a slight gut and Daryl probably doesn’t look great naked, but she otherwise looks fine. 

As hurt and as jealous as I once was over his choosing her over me, things really do work out for the better in the long run. Yes, some people truly do seem to have it all, but I wouldn’t trade Tom for the world! He wouldn’t have been abusive, but he would’ve definitely been all wrong for me. 

I wonder, though… was Daryl really the only one? Ok, so he didn’t like me because I was troubled and you know the rules for me… no serious, OMG kinda lust allowed. But if he could fall for one student, couldn’t he have fallen for others? I just find it hard to believe he hasn’t cheated on her at some point, but what’s really amazing is that they stayed together all these years. He was about 25 and she was about 16 when they met. Now she’s a year older than me while he’s a year older than Tom. 

Of course I couldn’t resist playing with Daryl and the sons (couldn’t find Mike’s account) on Facebook, not that they’ll get the message. And Kim, too. 

I’m only keeping my Twitter account till June when my sweep subscription expires, so I might as well have some fun. 

Found some more fan sites of Kim’s through Facebook. It’s gotta be driving her crazy that I can still tweet to her on blocked accounts, LOL. A definite glitch Twitter oughta fix. 

Later… 

Wow! Aly apologized to me on my-diary a couple of days ago and I didn’t know it till today. I rarely log into my-diary anymore. She apologized for tweeting the less-than-kind things she tweeted before cutting ties with me. She admitted she shouldn’t have lied and kept things from me like she did, and that the reason she dumped me was due to my being overly blunt and critical. 

She’s right. I can be very stubborn and opinionated at times. But I never in a million years meant to intentionally bring her down or offend her in any way. I had NO idea I was having that effect on her and I’m very sorry I did. 

It’s easy to swear we’ll never forgive someone who burned us that we were never close to, but it’s usually easier said than done when it comes to those we were close to. She said she could probably beg at my feet (though she also admitted she was doing it more for her than for me) for forgiveness and still not get it, but of course I forgive her. We had too many good times for me to stay mad at her forever, and I told her this in my reply to her. I really do appreciate her apology. 

I feel bad for attacking her in my blogs and on Twitter like I did, but piss poor excuse or not, I was hurt and angry. I really thought we’d always be friends, but as they say, nothing is ever guaranteed in life. 

We don’t have to be the friends we were before or reconnect anywhere, but she’s welcome to say hello every now and then. I agree with her on how different we are. We’re both writers and liberals, but definitely different. I couldn’t be “close” friends with her again because she’s lied to me more than once and put a bit of a complex on me as far as being friends with anyone goes, but it would be nice to touch base every so often. I’d like to know how she’s doing in life. 

I deleted the nasty tweets I made in regard to her, and out of respect for her, I also deleted the nasty ones meant for Kim. I know Kim’s been looking in on me, which I don’t mind, but I totally admit that Kim hasn’t done anything wrong to me in years, and yes, Aly’s been leaving me alone too, just like she said. 

So… my heartfelt apologies to BOTH Aly and Kim for my part in things. Both can message me on Twitter if they’d like (I adjusted my settings). Still don’t think I could ever forgive Kim, though, and I definitely don’t ever want to be friends with her again. All I’ll do is quit picking on her. 

Later… 

I was supposed to be enjoying the fact that I have nearly a month between doctors’ appointments. Instead, my appointment can’t come fast enough. I felt like shit all day and it was only till I’d been up 10 hours that the dizziness finally started to ease up a bit. I messaged A for any advice she may have for me until I see her. 

I did manage to get out with Tom for a 15-minute walk, but don’t know if I’ll be up to Bowflexing tonight or not. 

Funny because (and I know I wrote about this) I had a bad feeling that after the shit with the levothyroxine/extreme anxiety was resolved, I would be faced with a whole new problem. Unfortunately, I was right. My vibes, intuition, or whatever you want to call it, are rarely wrong. 

I also have a feeling this will be an issue for another year or two before I am faced with my next long-term problem. The pattern is scary and obvious. All my problems are long-term and tend to last more than a year. First I wanted those I couldn’t have. Then I wanted to be a singer. Then I wanted a baby. Then it was the freeloaders. Then it was poverty. Then it was the anxiety. Now it’s what I’m still guessing is perimenopause. Well, if it’s true that this typically lasts 4 years, then I’m about halfway through it. Two more years of misery… and then what? Will the next problem be personal, physical, emotional or financial? 

I’m still retaining water. It’s like I didn’t lose it all after my last period. I wonder if that’s because this period was shorter, and if it means I’ll be early next time around. 

The only thing that’s been better lately is the anxiety, but since that’s the worst thing I’ve experienced since living here, I can say that the dizziness is the lesser evil. 

Anyway, I’m really grateful for Aly’s apology. We don’t have to be friends again, but it really went a long way toward making me feel better, and I have no desire to pick on them. Really, I’ll behave! 

Although still leery of mingling with many people online, I may go public again on Prosebox as I miss seeing all my visitors. Even though I didn’t know who the hell they were, it was still kinda neat to see all the visiting countries. 

On Friday, a coworker gave Tom some candy apples that were leftover from some kind of fundraiser or something like that. He had the chocolate caramel one and I had the cinnamon caramel since he’s not big on cinnamon. Neither of us ate the humungous green apples, but Cappy’s eating some of them, along with leftover traces of caramel. Hey, a rat will eat anything. 

In one of last night’s dreams, I was out late at night. The neighborhood and houses didn’t look like here in the park, but they were. I saw the neighbor we don’t have pull out that night and hoped they wouldn’t spot me for some reason. But they did because as they turned they caught me in their headlights. I had my glitter wand in my hand at the time. 

Then it was daylight and I looked up to the top floor of what may’ve been an apartment building. Don’t know if we lived there or not, but in the windows of the top floor were what I thought were posters of various people at first glance until one of them moved and I saw that they were real people. 

In another dream, I wore a long light-colored dress. I might have been in Florida visiting family. I went to use the bathroom and realized there were bloodstains on it like I’d had an accident during period time. I wondered if anyone had noticed and if I should change or not. 

I was out by a pool next (probably in Florida) dressed in shorts and a tank. Tammy and Sarah showed up. Tammy got into the pool and began chatting with whoever was already in the pool. Sarah sat on a lounger next to a few other people. 

I walked up to Sarah and could sense that she’d rather not talk to me. I pretended not to notice and said that it was too bad I’d forgotten my swimsuit and was tempted to go into the pool in my clothes. She said that’d get me in a lot of trouble. 

I said, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” 

Then in a soft but somewhat snotty voice, she said, “What do you want to do?” as if to say, what the fuck do you expect me to do about it? You’re the dumb one who forgot your suit. 

“I don’t know,” I said with a laugh, “not be so dumb next time?” and walked away. 

Then there was the pill dream, but it didn’t get me anxious because I knew Tom was home. It was weird. I was licking a bunch of small round white pills that looked like lorazepam from the palms of my hand as I was chatting with a couple of women somewhere. They looked at me with concern. 

“Don’t worry. I’m not committing suicide,” I said, trying to reassure them. Then I told them what the “pills” were, but don’t remember what I said.