I’m beginning to feel like we’re never going to get out of here and that something up there wants us to continue living cramped into someone else’s bummy dive. I mean certainly it can’t agree with what we’re doing or like it very much since it already made sure we lost two places of our own.

You know what? Fuck the move. Just fuck the move. We’ll just stay here so we don’t have to lose another place. I’m used to living under the shadow of the Jes pest and his mutts anyway. Been here for over 4 years now, so why move now?

What’s got me so pissed is that Tom couldn’t find his way into the adult parks he wanted to check out. He knew the general area but I guess the navigation system didn’t know shit as far as which roads to take to get him in there. He’s pissed too, as all he did was waste time and gas. Do I think something was trying to hold him back? I know something was trying to hold him back, so like I said, fuck it. Just fuck it. It’s not like it’s noisy here every single day, and those noisy days make the quiet days all the more special and appreciated. Especially since the weather will start cooling down in about a month and out will come the cock to raise hell on the land with all kinds of projects. It would have been nice to have two bedrooms and two baths, but all that would happen would be that it either wouldn’t be what I hoped it would be, or it would be so good that God would be sure to take it away from us.

Tom says every paycheck gives us more opportunities. That may be so, but it’s not like he gets paid every other day. Meanwhile, this is what I’m used to. Tiny old dumps that are at least sometimes noisy.

Anyway, the Jes pest stayed in last night and all was peaceful except for a surprise round of thunder. I actually enjoyed hearing it. I wish we had more storms. They’re kind of fun as long as they don’t wake you up and take out your power. I smelled rain in the air but don’t think it rained much here.

Tom just said he found a park that’s selling a place and that does their own financing. The very thing he says we’ve needed to find. We’re still gonna be here all winter and I’m going to have to deal with the re-roofing of this dump, the painting of this dump, the bulldozing, and a million other projects by then…sawing, plumbing, problems galore, etc. We’ve got enough money for what we don’t want but we’re still a few grand from what we do want.

Here goes the fucking mutts right now. Yeah, God, you can hate us and hold us back all you want, but you can’t stop me from throwing on my sound machines.

Later...

When Kim started harassing me again from her newest Ask account I sent her a “question” telling her to fuck off or that I’d get the cops involved. This morning Aly told me in an email that she deactivated and is scared the cops are going to come after her. Well, even though I’m still having trouble posting on Twitter, I can still read Aly’s tweets to the skitzo and was so disappointed in her when I saw that she told Kim, “She only said what she said to scare you. You gonna let her win?”

I was like, WTF?! Damn her for telling her that! That kind of defeats the purpose of why I said it in the first place, you know? But now I know I need to watch what I say about Kim cuz she’ll just tell her about it. I should’ve figured as much. After all, she tells me Kim’s shit. It’s true, though. I don’t know her physical address, I wouldn’t trust or call the cops for shit if I did, and I did say it to scare her off. But thanks to Aly, my cover has been blown. Maybe she felt like she was doing the right thing by telling her that and maybe she was just trying to calm her down so she’d be easier to deal with even though she chooses to put up with her shit, but I still feel betrayed. I’m not going to dump her, but if something like this happens again, I might. I’m getting too old for the kiddy drama.

And what’s with the, “You gonna let her win?” That doesn’t sound very neutral and like she’s staying out of it like she said she was going to on Ask.

She also told her to quit having her “sources” check up on me and to just move on from me altogether. Again, though, people just can’t let go and I just don’t get it. Why would you want to waste your time bothering with someone who doesn’t give a damn about you, has made it clear that they’re not going to forgive you, and doesn’t want to be your friend when there are so many other people in this world to befriend? Kim was never a true friend and she’s just not the type of person I care to associate with. She’s too crazy. There’s no trust there at all.

Maybe she does have “sources” checking my blog because I can’t believe she wouldn’t be curious about it. She’s proven that she’s still interested in me and the things I have to say, especially when they pertain to her. So she would have a friend copy/paste anything for her because she’s probably too stupid to know how to blind my tracker.

Andy and I, who are both so fed up with being annoyed by dogs, even though he doesn’t have it nearly as bad as we do right now, were talking about how we’d tease various dogs as kids. Do I feel bad about it? No, I don’t. I should, perhaps, but I don’t. There’s only one animal I feel bad about. He randomly came to mind last night and that was my cat, Shadow, whom Brenda, one of my ex-settlements, gave me in 1990.

The cat was destructive at times and a real pain in the ass that could really make you want to kick his ass, but he was a good cat. I named him Shadow even though he was orange because he loved to follow me around. He was a very sweet, loving cat. Hated Andy, though. I guess that’s because he sensed Andy didn’t like him. Andy’s a cat person and cats are his pet of choice but Shadow just wasn’t one of them. Shadow made sure to fuck with his stuff that brief time Andy and I were roommates in Springfield before he left for Phoenix and I left for Queerfield.

Shadow turned out to be a big cat that I ended up getting fixed and declawed. Even though he was declawed, he loved to go outdoors. He would be in and out all day. Not in Springfield or South Deerfield but in Norwich he would be. There were no city streets nearby so getting run over by traffic was unlikely, and a cat can still climb a tree with their back claws to get away from any dogs that may chase them. This is what I was told anyway.

Then off we went one day to sunny, scorching hot Phoenix, Arizona 20 years ago, Shadow made the journey in a carrier in the pet compartment of the plane. At the Vista Ventana complex, some of you may remember that I received a ton of grief from the manager there. Her name was Stacey. She was the Donna A of this complex and a lot of people hated her. But for some reason, she really liked to give me hell that seemed to go way beyond anyone else she picked on. She stressed me out so badly and really made my life a bit of a nightmare there. Oddly enough, however, I had a bit of a crush on her despite her wrath and evil, controlling ways. I even threw her in a story and sent it to her a few years ago, keeping her last name out of it, of course, and other identifiable info. LOL, just the prankster in me, I guess, but I kept it all legal.

I have a problem with falling for these hard-ass bitches, but there were certainly no feelings involved whatsoever. It was pure lust. She reminded me of Kate Jackson. She was a lighter version of her with her blue eyes and blond hair. Not a color combo I usually go for, but on occasion, a nice one comes around. She was slim and tall and I liked her voice, the way she moved, etc. Regardless, Stacey was your classic good-looking bitch from hell. She was beyond bossy and went way beyond enforcing the complex’s rules. She crossed the line into downright intrusiveness and unprofessional. It’s too long of a story to get into so I won’t. Let’s just say she knew things about me she shouldn’t have known which prompted Kara and I, a friend of mine at the time, to rake my studio with a fine-tooth comb in search of any cameras or other recording devices, though we never found anything. If you want to learn more about what happened, I’m just about ready to start posting the entries written at the time I lived there from the summer of 1992 till the spring of the following year.

Back to Shadow. Well, the bitch made me get rid of him, of course. They didn’t allow pets in first-floor apartments there and even if I were on an upper floor, I didn’t have the $250 pet deposit required to keep him, so Andy and I took him for a ride. I ended up feeling really bad about it, too. I did not want to give that cat up. Nonetheless, Andy and I dropped him off in a place called Paradise Valley, home to many celebrities. We dumped him in what we thought was Stevie Nicks’s backyard, but if I remember correctly, we later learned it was the wrong yard.

I hoped that someone would take him in and give him a home, but later realized he may not have made it. Some would say I was just a young girl at the time on disability and a limited income who did what she had to do to survive, but I still feel bad about it even after all these years, and even though he couldn’t still possibly be alive even if someone did take him in and give him an ideal home. I just didn’t know what else to do at the time and I didn’t exactly have time to sit and think about it or else the bitch would’ve evicted me. What could I have done, gone door-to-door asking if anyone wanted a free cat? I suppose I should’ve brought him to the pound, though they probably would’ve put him down. If he ended up suffering, that may’ve been his best bet, though. After a stint of homelessness of my own, I feel absolutely horrible for sticking him out in that heat like I did with no food or water.

I’m so sorry, Shadow. I was homeless too, if not for nearly as long as you might’ve been. I’m sorry I threw you away like that just because of some mean-assed bitch. sighs I need a dog to kick. I really do.

Later...

Let me get the latest and hopefully the last of the Kim saga out of the way and off my chest, then I’ll get on with other things either in this same entry or another one.

What a waste of a weekend it’s turned out to be! I was in a seriously pissy-assed mood earlier. I’m a little calmer now, but like I said, I’ll cover the troll part of it first, then the rest of it later.

As I’ve mentioned before, Kim or someone pretending to be Kim, or both, has pestered me on Ask. I can usually tell what’s from her because she makes it rather obvious. Dunno if she’s just too stupid not to or if she wants me to know it’s her without spelling it out, but whoever they are, they’re contacting me and my friends and it’s really getting old.

Kim and her “source,” which may or may not be one of her many alters, is someone I really, really dislike and want nothing to do with. Why do I dump those I don’t like? Well, it’s simple. It’s like ordering food at a restaurant. Why would I order something I didn’t like when I can simply order what I do like? Same with people. Why hang onto the liver and onions when I can have the fried chicken, steak, Chinese, and seafood?

Molly was bad enough with her lies and craziness, but at least Molly was always just Molly. This one’s got God knows how many so-called personalities. I don’t know if she’s capable of thinking and reasoning or if she even knows what the hell she’s doing. I just know that I’m sick of those I’ve told to leave me the hell alone refusing to just let me walk away in peace while they do the same thing themselves. Why can’t people just move on??? There are 7 billion people in the world, so why me?

I was a little upset with Aly for tweeting to Kim something I didn’t want her to know, but she owned up to it and apologized for it right away. I understood before Aly told me that she was just trying to calm Kim down, but I also urged her to keep what I confided in her between us and reminded her that she’s not Kim’s mother. She’s not obligated to babysit the bitch. She agreed to keep out of it completely and just let Kim behave as she will because nothing anyone says to her can stop her anyway. Kim’s her own person. Or people, I should say.

I can’t control what others do, but as much as Kim would like to see it happen, I’m not cutting ties with Aly. She and I have shared too much for too long and that’s not something I can just throw away over something like this. Yes, I felt disappointed and betrayed, but I totally understand why she said what she said. I also believe she’s sorry for it and won’t make the same mistake. Aly and I have shared secrets, gone to each other for advice and opinions, and reviewed each other’s stories, and it isn’t every day someone tells me I have a sexy singing voice, even if she didn’t quite use those words. We have a lot in common and we accept what we don’t. So our friendship will go on regardless of any jealous, hateful sickos that may have a problem with it. Aly is both sane and smart, a rare combo in this world.

Although it seems to be for only me and no one else in the world, Twitter is so messed up. I can’t post tweets and I can’t for the life of me bring up the troll’s account, but that’s ok. I don’t care to read her BS. All I could see were some of Aly’s tweets which she didn’t know I could see. She went in and deleted anything pertaining to the Kim saga, though at this point it really doesn’t matter. I can’t use Twitter anyway except for what gets automatically sent there.

Later...

It’s looking like we may have to make a little detour before getting the home we want which kind of sucks. We don’t know for sure that that’s what we’re going to do, but while we’re rich in life, we’re poor in house hunting. There are plenty of older, smaller dumps we could afford right now, but we’re still a few grand short of getting into a newer, nicer doublewide with two beds and baths. We can now comfortably spend a little over 3 grand without draining our savings or keeping us from buying food, gas and things we might need and want for the house. But we need 5 or more grand to get what we want.

Tom said that maybe instead of staying here for another year, we should take a 6-month detour in a $1500 single-wide like this only it’d be longer and include a washer/dryer. Really, really don’t want to have to do that, though. I’m sick of settling and I’m sick of trying to escape from one place after another that I simply don’t want to be in. I swear I’ve spent most of my life trying to run from places, and the few I actually liked I was forced to leave when I didn’t want to. Or at least not all of me wanted to. A part of me is glad South Deerfield, Maricopa and Oregon didn’t work out.

BUT… Tom pointed out something that may make sticking ourselves with some thorns worth getting to the rose. It’s just that I don’t buy it when he says it will only take 6 months. Things always, always take longer than expected. I think this “detour” of sorts would last a year or more. Nonetheless, it costs us $4950 for 6 months of rent here. It would cost us about $300 less in 6 months between the cost of buying the place and the monthly lot rental. But where the real savings comes in is that natural gas is way cheaper than propane, and he’d save on gas big time if he were closer to work. This would allow us to save closer to a grand a month instead of closer to $500 a month like we do here AND we’d have cable internet, drinkable tap water, a washer/dryer and possibly a dishwasher, pool and spa in a place where barking is regulated. They tend to give new customers deals on cable that’d allow us to pay half of what we’re paying here for slow, unreliable service on something that’d be faster and ready to use whenever you want to use it, as it should be.

Again I thought of how much I hate God for cursing me with this type of sleep disorder and preventing me from doubling our income. Even adding a minimum wage income to Tom’s would make a world of difference, but no. Little Jodi just hasn’t been picked on enough in life and she hasn’t suffered enough hardships. God, I hate God! This alone is something that will forever prevent me from ever forgiving, trusting or having any kind of affection for Him whatsoever. If one more person tries to brainwash me into thinking He’s any friend of mine, I think I just may strangle them. Allowing parents to be abusive, allowing one to be set up and thrown in jail, cursing them with a sleep disorder that can make life more than a bitch to live – that’s not love. Trying to convince me God gives a shit about me is no different than a guy who slaps his woman and then tries to tell her he loves her. Well, that’s not love!

I always used to say I didn’t know what I hated God more for, for my childhood, depriving me of experiencing true lust, taking away my right to choose as a woman, knocking an ear off at birth, letting our hateful neighbors and their cop friend victimize me, or the sleep thing. I’d go with the sleep thing. I eventually grew up, moved out on my own and escaped my mother and any evil foster parents or housemother’s abuse. I eventually escaped the welfare bums and their piggy pal’s grasp, too. My ear is ugly but doesn’t hinder my day-to-day life. My right to choose turned out to be a good thing, though I’m still a little sore at times about the lust thing. The sleep thing, on the other hand, really holds me back in life big time when you consider the fact that I can’t get a job outside of the house. Oh, I can go back to making slave wages on MT when we have a reliable connection, and maybe I’ll be allowed to win big again, but MT won’t get you very far, and that 10K you might win will eventually run out.

Later...

I’m going to either “whisper” or set entries to friends only if a certain someone that’s been stalking and harassing me (my IP can prove it’s her coming to me and not me going to her except for one time I went to one of her deactivated accounts to make one last-ditch effort to get her to leave me alone) because I don’t want to give them the negative attention they so obviously crave. So most of what I may say about them (until and if they stop giving me a reason to mention them) won’t be available to their eyes.

I’m not talking about Molly, BTW. All I’ll say is that this needs to stop. I have not gone to her other than that wasted attempt to get her to go away. I have not threatened her. I have not used her full name. Meanwhile, she keeps either coming to me or having her “sources” check up on me so there appears to be no record of her involvement, but I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before. I know that she or someone she’s put up to it has been checking up on me on Ask and pestering me there based on the “questions” I’ve been receiving, and probably on every other site I use too, in which anyone can see my activity.

I’ve only been answering what she or anyone else has been sending me on Ask, though they can’t anonymously bother me on my blog because an overhaul in spam caused me to tweak my settings. I suppose I should just delete any childish shit I get on Ask that may be from her, but sometimes I can’t always tell. When we get anonymous questions it could be anyone. It could be a good friend. It could be an acquaintance. It could be an enemy. It could be a stranger. Sometimes the wording, punctuation and nature of questions seem to really point to certain people, but if it’s not the person I’m talking about, then she’s got nothing to worry about, right? Really, why worry if you haven’t done anything wrong? So if it’s really someone else and I’ve falsely accused her, I’m sorry. I don’t think I have, but again, anything is possible and I know that.

Meanwhile, I wish this person the very best of luck in life, but we are done. We are over. Period. Our friendship has been over since what, June? Well, that’s the way it stays and I’m not going to change my mind about that. It wasn’t just about the two-facing bit that caused me to end our “friendship,” it was about catching her in one casual lie after another. If you can’t believe a word someone tells you, then what kind of a friendship could you possibly have? If you have brown hair that you’ve admitted isn’t dyed, why say it’s blond? If you’re unilingual, why say you know Spanish, French, German, Italian and Portuguese? If you’re not so and so, why say you are unless you’re playing a game just for fun that others are aware of? Why tell people in what you think is anonymity that they’re ugly, they’re fat, they’re losers, and that God hates them while being sweet and kind to their face if you really hate the person?

I’m not going to try and sugarcoat what happened, but I also realize this person has a serious illness. Even so, I’m nobody’s caretaker. At the risk of sounding selfish and void of compassion, I’m not obligated to help, fix or deal with this person, nor am I qualified to in the first place. MPD is a pretty big thing and it’s way over my head. Other than fun pretend games I knew I was playing as a kid pretending to be the bionic woman and all that, I’ve always been just Jodi. Just plain old boring Jodi. I’m not a perfect person, but I’m just Jodi, and dealing with the mentally ill isn’t what I’m good at.

If she can simply respect my wishes and stop contacting me, I will no longer mention this person in my blog. Besides, if you don’t like someone, why would you want to read their blog anyway or check any of their sites out? Good luck to you, Kim, but it’s time to move on now. There’s no more negative attention to be found here. Thank you for the story idea you’ve inspired, though. Don’t worry, if I post it here it will be first names only. Why not, you’ve used mine in many of your “stories.”

Aly told me Kim told her she has an uncle that knows what I’m “doing” and they’re going to file a report on me. I’m not the least bit afraid of her or anyone she knows. Kim’s just saying that because I said I’d sic the cops on her. I haven’t done anything illegal and besides, if she could take action against me, why not Molly? She did do things that are illegal. She stalked, followed, harassed and picked on her like crazy.

Really wonder how she, or this imaginary source that may actually be real, is checking my blog. Aly confirms she saw my last post about her but no one’s been into my blog since then but Aly, Aira and someone in the Netherlands that I doubt is Adonis. So whoever it is is going through a proxy and that would be my Netherlands visitor, or they’re disabling cookies. So my suspicions about the other troll continuing to read my blog discreetly are probably correct, too. If Molly were interested in my Ask account, she would also want to know what I’m blogging about, too. But where are these fucktards getting the know-how for disabling cookies? Someone’s got to have taught them how to do that. And why? To make themselves look like they’re not coming to my sites? I checked the Netherlands IP and it doesn’t look like it’s a proxy server so I’m going with the disabling of cookies.

Later...

Finally able to post tweets on Twitter again, though I’m sure there’ll be another problem for me and me only in just a matter of days. Why is it no one else seems to have a problem there? I can’t post half the time, can’t access other people’s accounts, and can’t do much of anything there. Still not sure I even want to bother. MO, Ask and FB are more fun.

A friend who’s around my age had a very good point in asking what was wrong with the “kids” of today who never seem to move out of their parent’s house. Most teenagers back in the 80s couldn’t wait to get their driver’s license, they couldn’t wait to get their first job, and they couldn’t wait to venture out on their own. Yet today’s teens want to stay home and be “big kids forever” as she put it. I don’t get that either.

Someone anonymously asked if I knew troll number two’s full name. Was that some sort of bait or trap? Well, it’s not illegal that I know of to state full names online unless you’re threatening them or maybe impersonating them, but I don’t give out any identifiable information. I may speak of my experiences with them, but if you want to find their full names, locations, and other sensitive information on them, that’s up to you to do on your own.

I didn’t post old journal entries yesterday, so I think I’ll go post some. I’m up to mid-1992, right before I was about to leave Connecticut for Arizona.

Before Aly knew I was reading her tweets she did urge Kim to back off, leave me alone and move on, not that it would do her or anyone else any good. Well, I appreciate that, but now I know I have to be careful of what I tell her. If she told her I only said I called the cops on her to try to scare her off, there’s a good chance she was telling her other things I told her that I assumed would stay between us.