Yesterday I got a call as I was coming out of the shower and saw it was from mom’s number. I called the number and got Mark, Tammy’s husband, who sounded like a very nice guy and not the usual, aggressive abuser Tammy used to go for (or that went for her). Anyway, he said she was tied up and so I told him who I was. He said it was a pleasure talking to me and would let her know I called.

Then I got a message from her asking that I call her at her condo. At first I rolled my eyes and thought, great, just great. Now she thinks we’re buddies and now she’s probably going to call me all the time. I also wondered what she could possibly have to tell me in just a day. Deciding it must be important if she was asking that I call her, I grabbed the number for the condo, scribbled it down, and punched in the number. She answered and broke down in tears as she told me she would be moving Mom to a hospice. Her immune system is so shot that she’s just going to keep on getting one infection after another no matter how hard they pump her with antibiotics. The treatment she had to fight the cancer she had years ago would’ve damaged her immune system to a degree, and when you’re 80 years old it’s just not easy to bounce back, but personally, I don’t think mom wants to and I don’t blame her. As we all understand, she’s been lonely, depressed and miserable since Dad died last February and has no desire to live. That, and the fact that we didn’t usually get along well, helps make this a bit easier on me. At 80 years of age, the world isn’t exactly full of opportunities, and so I don’t think she wants to get better enough to go home to an empty condo just to sit in front of the TV until she does die. My mother doesn’t believe in the afterlife, so she probably doesn’t think that dying is a way to be with Dad again so much as she sees it as a way to escape living without him. She and Dad were like Tom and I. One simply doesn’t want to live without the other.

Tammy and I both laughed at the funny memories and cried over the sadness of the situation. The senility part may be sad, but it’s also kind of funny. I wonder if she’s going to demand a Miller Light in her final moments or some other whacky request.

She’s very frail and still isn’t eating or drinking much. That alone tells me the end is near. I really thought, even though I couldn’t imagine it, that she might live a few more years in a nursing home, but they tell me she couldn’t have more than a month or two if even that.

As for me, I’m going through a ton of mixed emotions. I feel as sad as I would for anyone who was miserable both physically and mentally and knew they were going to die soon that wasn’t some kiddy molester or mass murderer. I feel guilty for all the times I wished she would drop dead, but Tom reminded me that this isn’t my fault and it still would’ve happened even if I’d wished her to live forever. I feel relieved to know her suffering will end soon enough and then I can be free to decide exactly what I want to do as far as other family members go, and know that it’s not going to come back to Mom and Dad and that I’ll have to hear all about it from them and know that most of what they were told was probably bullshit anyway, though I do wish my father could’ve lived all my life.

I’ve been flooded with random thoughts, both past and present, both happy and sad. One minute I’d be remembering how I nearly starved to death waiting for my food stamps to get to me when I first moved to Arizona. I felt bad for the me of 20 years ago that I couldn’t fucking eat while my parents lived like kings and queens. It brought out my hate for God and reminded me what an undeserving piece of shit He often seems to think I am, toying with my survival like that and like He did with both my husband and I less than a year ago. A part of me is surprised He didn’t see to it that they stopped both my disability checks and my food stamps and left me hungry and homeless when I first got to Arizona, but that would defeat the purpose of His “plan” for me. You can’t have fun cursing someone if you throw them into a situation that’ll kill them.

Then it would hit me that while I’m grateful to Tammy for helping out with Mom and keeping me up to date since I’m too far away and Larry couldn't care less, it’s kind of sad that a woman who was so abusive at times could have someone to help her in her final days while Tom and I won’t have anyone. Talk about undue karma!

Tammy said mom sent her love and I told her to call me as soon as she’s able to, though I can’t guarantee that I’ll be around to answer. I don’t know if Mom will have her own phone there or if mail can be sent there, but I doubt it. It’s a hospice, after all, not a nursing home, so I don’t even know if we’ll be able to talk. I hope so, though.

She said she has no online access at all and that the computer she brought down with her broke, so that’s why she hasn’t been able to leave any messages on Facebook. I guess she’ll be staying at the condo a little longer.

So on we went laughing and crying, and while I hate to admit it, I felt a surge of closeness to her for a minute there and wondered if maybe she does care and maybe she is sorry for the past. Maybe I’m judging her too harshly for the past and maybe she isn’t really out to screw me and maybe I should take it one day at a time instead of deciding for sure that I’m going to dump her or not dump her at such and such a time. I just don’t know right now.

I don’t know if I believe this one, though she did sound sincere. Supposedly, Larry really has been cut out of the will, which I suspect is due to his whoring around with child women and all that. No one wants any of mom’s money to go to some 21-year-old bimbo and the child she and my 58-year-old brother never should’ve created. She says Mark has spoken to him since she doesn’t even want to talk to him anymore. Also, they spent hours with Mom’s attorneys and are letting them handle it so that Larry, or some third cousin we never knew we had, can’t contest the will. The attorneys are the ones who will be liquidating Mom’s assets. Lastly, she says – and this is how she worded it – that it says I am to be provided for. She says she told the attorneys that she and Mark were doing ok while we’ve struggled, and that while it may not be much, I’m to have their share of the cash once everything is sold off. Again with the spark of mixed emotions! If this is true, that’s very sweet of her and Mark. But it was a reminder of how I’ve been God’s designated little family underdog for the most part, thanks to the mountains He’s thrown in front of me that He always knew I couldn’t possibly climb. It also reminded me of how twisted and unfair He is that He would allow a bitch like Tammy, who hasn’t been much better at motherhood than our own mother, to do pretty well most of her life. Gee, God, I’m sorry I wasn’t a bad enough person to “qualify” for an easier life.

What I didn’t tell her, more because I didn’t think it was an appropriate time than I didn’t want her to know, is that we’re doing the best ever and don’t intend to be trailer trash living in someone else’s trashy trailer for much longer. Oh, yes, God’s little underdoggies will prevail. I’m just glad He was kind enough not to burn this place down before we could leave it. Yeah, it gets a little scary this time of year every time the place starts smelling smoky cuz you can never know how close any of these forest fires may be or if it’s just the wind carrying the smoke from far away. One can’t see very far when they live in the woods, though there’s one section down the drive where you can see out to the main road.

Anyway, to get back on topic, where we were doing the worst ever last fall, now we’re doing the best ever. He’s made good money before. It’s just that we either spent it or it went to a very expensive house we never should’ve gotten. I just didn’t think it right to brag about how good we’re doing while our mother is dying.

Do I believe she and Mark are really forfeiting their share of the money to me? I don’t know. She seemed honest enough, but if it’s true that pretty much tells me what I suspected; that there isn’t much money. Even she said it may not be much and that dad had a lot of medical bills in the end. I figured most of the money would run out between mom’s overspending and their medical costs. I also knew God wouldn’t allow us a large lump sum of money, though what His “limit” is I’m not sure. I know up to 9k is “allowed” cuz that’s what I won a few years ago before the economy went to hell and the rise of Facebook made the competition insane. No more having to fill out forms. Now you can just “like” something with one click and the whole world’s entered to win the same lousy T-shirt. Anyway, Tammy said she didn’t know how much it would be, but if I had to guess I’d say around 5 to 10 grand. Either way, as soon as everything’s done and over with, Tom and I will be checking records.

She also guarantees that Larry won’t get anything and that he “doesn’t have a potty to pee in.”

Then how did he and his knocked-up child-woman get to Florida? And how are they living and how do they plan to feed the little bastard? Then again, who cares, right? As long as this stranger-child-woman and its offspring don’t get what isn’t theirs. That’s all that matters.

She asked me what else other than pictures would I want from her condo, saying mom had a teddy bear collection. I told her I didn’t want any of the material things and that anything on our list to buy when we move isn’t anything Mom would have, so she could keep everything in the condo. This works out well because Mom has some antiques she likes while I’m a modern freak. I hate antiques. I just wish I could live in modern places a little more often than I do, but the next place will probably be a '70s place (at least it’s a decade up from this '60s place) and probably about 720-1000 square feet.

sighs Again, I have such mixed emotions about everything. I try to tell myself to forget the past, that it can’t be changed, that Tammy didn’t know about the welfare bum’s warrant, but she did defend her abusive ex, she did turn on me, she did lie, and together they sicced the pigs on me which led to an even bigger nightmare that would last me nearly 3 years before I was vindicated. How do you just forget and forgive that and not think of that when you think of her, see her name, hear her voice??? It’s not just what happened in the past, it’s knowing what she could do in the future even if I’m not going to be dumb enough to let any abuser of hers have it by phone or mail like I was dumb enough to do before. That was her ammunition against me. As I learned, if we don’t give anyone the ammunition in the first place, they have less to beat us over the heads with.

If everyone who ever wronged me came to me with the most heartfelt apology, there would be just two people I could never forgive and she’s one of them. Right or wrong she didn’t just fail to return a few bucks she borrowed or drop and break my nice new mugs. Yet oddly enough, I did feel a strange tug of emotions when we cried together on the phone in between laughing at some of Mom’s ways. Tammy’s favorite color is purple. One time she went down for a visit with dark purple nail polish on. Naturally, mom scoffed at it and then Tammy asked what was so much better about her nail polish. Those shades of light pink, pale peach, nudes and tans that she used to wear were barely even visible, LOL.

She said the girls are all on their own which was a little surprising. I thought the youngest two still lived at home, and hey, we are living in the Big Kids Forever era where not many kids want to drive, work or venture out on their own.

Still don’t know what to make of Tammy herself, but I don’t doubt she’d turn on me if I dumped her. The Internet has made it very hard to avoid people unless you’re a hermit online like Tom. But most people have active online lives. I would literally have to shut down almost every account I use and come back under an alias to escape her cuz she’s not going to just let me go whether I told her off and stormed off in a rage, or I said nothing and all and just silently walked away. People just don’t like to let me ignore them when I want them to or handle rejection very well.

I was glad to at least hear Aly say that pulling away from Kim has been easier than she thought it would be. Kim hasn’t even noticed, but as I learned, she never was a true friend. She lives for herself and her delusions only. I’m glad she’s not being stalked and harassed. If I had to start over I wouldn’t take the confront-and-dump approach. I’d just fade away.

Aly’s been a great online support along with Andy, but I haven’t heard from Nane in a few days. I think she’s in Switzerland right now. Maliheh hasn’t appeared to have opened any emails I’ve sent her over the last week, so who knows what’s up with her. I was going to wait till she opened my mail before sending any more, but I think I’ll send her the last few entries today.

Later...

Last night a huge clap of thunder woke both Tom and I up, but I went back to sleep. Wish I’d been awake, though. I like the sound of thunder. Love that wet earthy smell too, that the rain brings, though I doubt it rained much. That’s like the third storm surge this summer, which is weird.

Tom, unfortunately, woke up with a cold. He was able to go to Walmart, but he’s sleeping and relaxing for the rest of the day, which he definitely needs to do. I hope his cold isn’t the result of being overworked, and I hope I’m not next, but with the cooler running and pushing out germs, I should be ok. He mentioned going out tomorrow and I said, “Only if you’re up to it. Whatever’s up there might use your cold to slow the move down even more.” But he says he’ll be ok for more park scouting.

This is the first day in a while the cooler has cycled on and off after 10am. We probably won’t have any more triple-digit temps and by the end of the month, we’ll probably have to start closing windows at night. I so did not want to be here at this time, but you know everything takes longer than planned. I just hope we can get out before the next plumbing problem hits! I cringe every time I step in the shower or start a load of laundry.

Last night I had a dream I was in a place that didn’t look anything like this place but that was leaking really bad. So much so that it cut the power and I was unable to turn on the lights. It’s a good thing the dream premonitions seem to be a thing of the past. It’s been about a year or so since I had dream premonitions, but the dream I had about Maliheh’s mother dying in November makes me wonder if it was really my own mother I saw. From the sound of it, though, I don’t think she’ll make it to November. More like next month, October at the latest. We decided to carry on with house hunting as planned since we don’t know how much money she’ll be leaving us or when we’ll receive it. Whatever it is, whenever it is, we’ll greatly appreciate it and be sure to spend it wisely. Probably throw some in savings, too.

I can understand some of the Dutch status updates of Adonis’s on Facebook cuz it’s so similar to German. :)

The spam and scams I’ve been overrun with are definitely connected to Facebook as I had begun to suspect. I got another For Jodi message from another FB friend with a link to some kind of scam or spam. I’ve been unsubscribing like crazy from those that will let me, but so far they’re coming in faster than I can unsubscribe. Marking them as spam doesn’t do me any good and neither did changing PWs. No more signing up for apps if they’re just going to abuse my info like that.

Another strange thing is the instant hit from Israel showing up on my tracker the instant I post to LJ, which I started using just for fun. What the hell’s that all about???