Oh really? I didn’t know that. But according to what I just read, if your hips aren’t wider than your shoulders, then you’re not considered pear-shaped. Hmm… I thought I was at least a little pearish, but I guess I’m still mostly an hourglass.

Saw a picture of Nane’s bedroom after the makeover. I was surprised it was done in shades of gold and deep red since blue is her favorite color, but it was still gorgeous. I’m not impressed with the headboard, but overall it looks fancy, elegant, and very pricey. Must’ve cost a fortune!

As I told her, it’s great to see people enjoy the money they work so hard for and to get what they deserve in life, but it also saddens, embarrasses, but mostly angers me to know that my husband and I were just as deserving yet had to live like a pair of lazy bums in a trashy old trailer for so long. Just to once again have a simple luxury like a dryer, something so many people take for granted will be heaven! For years we were poor and I just accepted it and figured that right or wrong, unfair or not, that’s just the way it was meant to be. I even got used to it and was ok with it so long as we could afford the necessities. But I won’t accept that ever again. I don’t expect to get rich and we don’t need to have 20K in savings, but I will never let society, circumstances or our own stupidity reduce us to such poverty again! Not even God or an evil devil is going to bring us down this time around!

Rich or poor, sometimes I miss my old libido. I miss the old me, period. Not the naïve, vindictive, dumb little mind I used to have, but I miss the body. The body that didn’t gain weight just thinking of food. The one that could see near and far without glasses. The one whose skin and lips didn’t need lotion and lip balm. The one whose hair didn’t need to be dyed. The one who wanted sex more often even if she couldn’t always have it with those she was overly attracted to or very often. The closest I came was with Kacey and Ann Marie. Well, maybe Julia too, but those I’ve had the most attraction for are usually straight, out of reach, or just not interested.

It’s been suggested to me that while I may love my husband but have lost the lust like most long-term couples do, I should consider an affair. After all, would cheating really be “cheating” if you’re little more than damn good married friends? I don’t know if Tom would approve of the idea. I think he would choose celibacy over an affair and that’s ok because he has to do what he has to do. I would never push him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable doing. But I also know that I have to consider myself as well. I’ve decided to just keep an open mind rather than lock myself into this or that. At this age, I could go forever without sex if I had to, but I also realize that forever is a long time. So while I doubt I’ll ever actively seek out a fuck buddy, I won’t rule it out either. If I accidentally meet one who isn’t in Germany, I’ll keep an open mind. But I know that if I actually tried to meet someone, as easier as it is to meet people these days than it was 20 years ago, I’m likely to get met with the same damn rejection because I don’t have the looks most lesbians want. I could get a nutjob, an ugly dog or someone plain, but if I wanted to have sex with someone I didn’t lust for, I could just get it on with Tom. He’d do me if I asked him to whether he was in the mood or not. But I definitely would rather just stay celibate before I got intimate with anyone I wasn’t attracted to. I’ve been down that road before and it wasn’t fun at all. But we don’t usually find people or things when we’re looking for them. They always seem to come at us when we least expect it. I found the tape measurer the other day by accident that I couldn’t find when I was looking for it.

For years I have felt like something up there has not wanted me to get it on with someone I was attracted to. Not just kind of attracted to, but really attracted to. Attractive enough to land a lead role in one of my stories (yes, I know that sounds funny). It’s like it sees it as some kind of evil sin for me or it’s denied it to me as some form of punishment for God knows what.

The only women I’ve ever had a crush on that was mutual were Nane, Teddy Bear and Jane. Just 3 lousy women in my entire life! Kind of sad, huh? And one’s in Germany, while another was out of reach, and the other was a druggie who moved. Even the few mutual attractions I’ve had with some guys were out of the question, and hell, I’d have fun with a guy that looked like the Chris Noth of 1990 same as I would with Nane, though I would still prefer it to be a woman if I were going to have an “affair,” and I wouldn’t want it every day. Not even every week. Once or twice a month would be ok, but that would only be if I could get myself in the damn mood to begin with. You know, the aging libido thing again. I think actually being around a woman in person who was attracted to me back may help with that, but maybe I should check into some of those enhancers they’ve got out there. They wouldn’t be out there if some people didn’t need them, would they be? Tom always had a low drive, though, even in his 30s. I got brave enough to ask my doctor about it one day back in Phoenix and she said some guys were just like that and she assured me that what was normal for some wasn’t normal for all. I just didn’t know if anything was wrong with him or what, but apparently not, from what I’ve learned. We’re all taught that all guys want sex every other minute, and I was still kind of young and inexperienced at the time, so I didn’t know what to think at first.

Still, three women. Just three lousy women. It pisses me off more than it saddens me because it makes me feel so damn ugly. I know logically speaking that I’m not that bad. I’ve seen older, uglier and fatter. But now I have two more things against me than I did 20 years ago. 20 years ago I was short, feminine, curvy and with long thick curls. Today I still have most of these traits only I’m older and fatter. So now I would really be in for a whole boatload of rejection.

Now, let’s say by some miracle I met someone I was hot for who was hot for me back that actually lived near me. Could she accept the fact that it could only be for fun and that I had absolutely no intentions whatsoever of leaving my husband? Would I feel comfortable with it, or would I feel like a cheater despite the fact that neither of us has had dirty thoughts about the other in ages? And what if we were busy, tired or not in the mood when the other one was? I suppose I shouldn’t think too much about these sorts of things and just let the future take care of itself. It’s gonna play itself out the way it was meant to be played out anyway.

I don’t know what it’s like today, but back when I was young most people preferred sex over relationships. I hope that if I do meet anyone that’s all she’ll want. It’s just that people tend to either hate me or love me. I know that sounds funny as hell, but it’s true. So rarely does anyone just like me. They either hate me cuz they think I’m too mean or too crazy or too weird, or they just seem to fall right in love with my whacky personality and uniqueness (the way I can’t do what most people can and can do what most people can’t).

All lust eventually fades whether or not the love does, too. I was once attracted to my husband in that way. But after a year or two, that seems to fizzle out no matter who it is. Male, female…it all seems to fade with time like the excitement of a new song played too many times over. I know this is normal and that it happens to everyone. Had I actually been with these women I could count on less than one hand that were attracted to me in return, that too, would’ve eventually lost its luster. Like fireworks in the night. What goes up eventually falls back down. Plop!

But I don’t want to go out there and look for what I can’t find. Maybe it will find me at the pool or spa of the park we move to. That reminds me… I’m so excited! jumps for joy We’re getting real, real close but I don’t want to get into it till we find out more. This weekend we’ll be making some calls, checking out parks (now that we know where the hell we’re going) and doing more online research. Citrus Heights is looking the most promising the more we scout out their parks. I can’t help but remember the orange trees I saw in my dreams. Orange trees. Citrus Heights. But what about blue, tan and a 3-digit street number? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Most of the numbers we’ve seen so far are 4-5 digits.

A Facebook reminder just came in. My sister’s birthday is coming up. Oh, drop dead bitch, will you?

I had to laugh my ass off over the thought of what I might say to a person if I were single and looking for a relationship. That would be some speech, alright! I can just see it. “Well, I can’t keep a schedule, can’t drive, can’t work outside of the house worth shit, but don’t worry. I can read and understand 50% or more of Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, German and Esperanto, and even a little bit of French. I can even sign – I don’t mean just the middle finger – and I can really spin some tall tales and even sing a little, too! So sit back, relax, screw my curviness (no pun intended), ignore my shortness and long, thick curls and let me dazzle you with my doll collection!”

Marie! I forgot about her. Ok, so make that 4 mutual crushes. But 4 is an unlucky number. Will there be a number 5?

I may not be the vengeful person I used to be, but don’t be fooled. My mind is no less evil than it used to be. While others may be like poor, poor doggies left all alone to bark up a storm of loneliness, I sit here and hope the next people chain them to their bumpers and take them for the ride of their lives. Then they’ll never be lonely again.

Wow, I guess I better share this entry with just Andy and Maliheh. I think I’m a bit much for the general public to handle tonight. I could share it with Nane too, as she knows most of what’s gone on and is going on with me, but she doesn’t seem to be into reading my journal regularly, so I probably won’t. She cares, she’s interested, but not that much.

I was thinking about how most senior parks only allow you a small dog or a cat, but what are the odds of us getting lucky enough to get next to cats? Almost everyone prefers dogs to cats.

There’s a park with bigger and cheaper homes in a place called Forest Hill, but it’s out of the question because it’s higher up and it snows there. It’s also in the woods (I thought of Andy when they mentioned the deer and bears that love to waltz on by) so we’d have the same shitty internet connection.

The internet has been driving me crazy. Batshit fucking crazy! Due to the intense heat, these old rural wires expand, as Tom explained, and it really messes with the connection. At night it’s a little better, but it’s still so damn frustrating that I’m trying to keep offline most of the time. Sometimes the best way to avoid frustration is to avoid the source of it altogether if you can.