First, my Temu package arrived. The auspicious incense is much smaller than I thought it would be. I'm not sure I really like it much anyway.

The cleaning sheets are great for the toilets. It's amazing how these flimsy little sheets dissolve instantly and become so soapy once you swish them around with the toilet brush. I haven't used them on the floors or the shower stall yet.

I'll be setting up a “sleep” group so two Alexa devices can play sounds in different parts of the bedroom, hopefully letting me sleep through the mower tomorrow. If they use the loud one again, though, I doubt it’ll do me much good since it runs around two sides of the bedroom and isn’t across the street. Sound permeates manufactured homes so easily! It bleeds through every inch of the windows, walls, ceilings, and floors.

It wasn't overly humid today, but it was still hot.

My pulmonologist appointment went better than I thought it would…I think. We didn't have to wait too long, but damn, did I have a ton of paperwork to go through. I had to answer the same questions multiple times. Even the doctor asked me the same things. The waiting room sucked; the TV was blasting, and the office was close to a busy street. Some of the traffic noise was a bit annoying as well.

The doctor's accent was also a little annoying, but I think I’m getting better at understanding foreign accents. I don't have much choice when every other person isn’t from here anymore—or so it seems.

We discussed both of my sleep disorders, and he asked questions about when they were diagnosed, how they were diagnosed, etc.

Help with the N24 is hopeless, as I figured. But if I can get my energy back, it won’t matter as much. Yes, it will still be a pain in the ass, but I do enjoy the quiet and having some alone time since I like a mix of time with him and time alone. He mostly asked about my sleeping habits, then he looked in my nose and mouth. He said I definitely had sleep apnea from the looks of it, and that home tests often underestimate the severity of it. He also noticed the collapsed septum and agreed I have quite a bit of congestion in my nose.

Turns out I was wrong to cut back on the nasal spray. In addition to restarting that, he recommended a better nasal dilator than the one I’ve got and gave me a sample of a nasal rinse to help clear out my nose.

He also gave me a sleep diary to complete over the next couple of months before I see him again. The diary is to record when I get into bed, when I fall asleep, when I get up, if I’ve had any alcohol or medication, how long I slept, my level of fatigue, and if I napped.

He said one to two hours before bed, I should avoid computers, and three or four hours before bed, avoid alcohol and exercise.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. I told him I couldn’t tolerate the CPAP and asked about a mouthguard. Because of my nasal issues, mostly caused by allergies, he doesn’t think I would benefit from a mouthguard. Therefore, he’s sending me to see an ENT to see about qualifying for the Inspire, which I would love to have as an option. I mean, I would prefer not to have any problems at all, but if I’ve got to have this and something to remedy it, that would be my first choice.

The only negative is that this doctor is part of the ENT group I hate. Another negative is that we would have to go all the way to Clearwater. As usual, it would be multiple trips. I don’t have a problem with making a day of it, as it’s good to get out, but it means dealing with the stress of finding available and working chargers, even though he’s got a service that would tow us if we were to run out of juice. The assholes also got rid of most of the fast chargers, so it would be slow chargers only.

The doctor he referred me to would knock me out, much like I was for the endoscopy, to see how my throat functioned while I slept, which would be way better than having to do an out-of-home sleep study. Propofol is great, LOL.

Anyway, I’m overwhelmed but hopeful.

The redneck’s mutt is getting annoying again. Two barking fits today, one lasting more than just a few barks.

Not much to report at the moment. Although I was a little tired yesterday, I've got good energy today, and I hope I do tomorrow too, even though fatigue is the main reason I'm going to see the doctor. I like to have energy no matter what I'm doing because it makes me feel better.

I sat out in the sunlight this morning and couldn't even go three or four minutes without a plane passing by, most of them being small planes today, which are more annoying.

I had a few dreams with the honker in them, but I don't remember much about them. The one I do remember was a nightmare about these silent silhouetted figures coming toward me. I was relaxing on a couch or a bed in a large, dark room. There were a few other people with me, and we were all chatting.

Then the door opened, and there was just enough light to make out the silhouette of three or four figures slowly approaching me. They were all about the same size and shape. I asked who they were, but they remained silent, inching slowly toward me. I shouted for Alexa to turn on the lights, but she ignored me. I woke up just as they reached me.

I wonder what their intentions were.

 

PB will be down on Tuesday for an upgrade. I wonder what handy features they might take away and what bugs they might add while they’re at it. 

So today was bombing day, and the rat was great. I sat in the back seat of the car behind Tom, and she was next to me in her little pink carrier, perfectly behaved. We stood in the driveway for the first hour while he did laundry in the laundry room, and she was curious enough to walk around a bit at first. She explored the back of the back seat and sat on my lap a few times. She can’t get around as easily as she used to because she’s too big and too old now, so she didn’t jump onto the floor of the car, even though she looked down at it and probably wanted to. She went back and forth between her carrier and sitting with me, but she spent most of her time hanging out in her carrier. She knew that was her own personal spot in the car, LOL. 

Shortly before 10:30, we headed to Burger King, and the three of us enjoyed a breakfast sandwich and hash browns—in the car, of course. 

Tom had me a little worried yesterday because he suddenly got this intense tooth pain. He iced it, and that fortunately took it away. I know his phobia of dentists, but I also know how excruciating a dying tooth can be. It’s worse than the worst period cramps I ever had! 

It can also be a symptom of a heart attack, but luckily it went away, and he didn’t have any other symptoms. 

The pulmonologist’s office called to confirm my appointment, which I thought was a little weird. They’re so behind the times that they can’t text people so they can respond at their convenience? 

Polls say Kamala is a little ahead, but since it goes by the electoral vote and not the majority, the polls are pretty meaningless. Hillary beat Trump, but it didn’t matter in the end, and it won’t matter this time around either. 

I got a lot of physical activity prepping for bombing and then sorting things out when we returned, along with folding laundry and making the bed. So tomorrow it’s back to my stretching exercises, a few minutes on the treadmill, and some light Bowflexing. I can only lift a small amount of weight because of my shoulder. I’m hoping this will strengthen it so I can go back to lifting as much as I can.

WTF just happened? I had a document open and speech-to-text was running in the background, but there was no sound other than the air cleaner in the other room, and it just printed the words "knock knock." Someone from beyond saying hello?

I sat out in the sunlight for a while—accompanied by the sound of planes, of course—until the AC kicked on. It's actually a beautiful morning, not nearly as humid as it has been.

Tom is out there investigating a clogged gutter.

I tried to propagate one of my bamboo plants, but it was a bust. 🙁

I had decent energy yesterday, but today is a bit borderline. My experiment to see if certain foods drain my energy ended up being inconclusive. Just when I thought I’d found a connection, I’d get different results the next time I tested the same foods. Maybe some foods can make a difference, but not much. Different foods seem to affect my weight and blood sugar more than anything else.

I had a dream that I got some form of incurable cancer, but I’m not worried about it being a sign of anything bad to come. In the dream, I wasn’t going to die anytime soon, and I just don’t see myself ever having to deal with that. If I do, I suspect it will be very close to the end of my life anyway.

Miss Bailey now has lower lashes as well as upper ones, and I got the best Bunny shot yet. I was surprised it didn't run when I went outside because it was so close to the door. It couldn't have been more than six to eight feet away. I'm pretty sure it's seen me before and knows I'm harmless. I've seen it in the back a few times recently. 

While I was out there, I noticed a fresh spot of new digging by the side of the place, so Tom went out and powdered it up. A wasp, probably the one making the nest, flew by him quickly while he was at it. Why is it always our yard that they do this shit in? 

I'm still finding ants by the kitchen sink, so we're going to bomb in a couple of days. It will be too hot and humid to leave Tinkerbella out in her cage in the lanai, so we're still going to put her cage out there but take her with us in her little pink carrier. It will be a fun adventure for her. This is where we're so glad to have an electric car! We can run the AC for hours. We're going to spend the first hour hanging out in the driveway while he does laundry. Then we'll head out to wherever. It's a two-hour bomb. 

My Temu package might be late in getting to me, but if it is, I get $5 of credit.

Yesterday we splurged on Domino's, and between that and the peanuts I've been snacking on, the scale is telling me to slow down and cut back.

Ugh, I'm so frustrated! You'd think sticking 12”x12” sticky tiles to a wall wouldn't be so difficult, but it is. Because they're so sticky, it was hard to align them properly. Also, they’re thin, so the edges tend to fold over. Tom is more adept at this sort of thing, and he's going to take over. You don't notice the imperfections too much unless you're looking for them, and I'm 90-something percent sure we'll never move, so I can live with it.

I got the foot file and the mesh socks from Temu. I like them. The socks protect my feet from this crappy carpet without making my feet warm, and the foot file is helpful. You take a sandpaper disc, peel the back of it, and stick it on the round metal plate on the file. Once they wear down, you can get replacements.

It was funny watching him try to figure out what was beeping in the other room when it was actually a YouTube video I was playing that beeped every 15 seconds, LOL. I use them to time my stretches.

His appointment was short and sweet yesterday. He's in great health despite his extra weight, and hopefully, it will stay that way for a very long time.

My old dentist had the nerve to send a bill for $258. And all for what? To take a few pictures and then tell me they don't accept my insurance after we were told otherwise? Well, she can send all the bills she wants because she's not getting another dime from us. I have a new dentist now, and we’re done with her.

Yesterday was the second week in a row they used the louder mower, and I really hope that's not going to be a regular thing because I don't think I can keep that from waking me up any more than loud thunder.

Yesterday morning was deathly humid. I couldn't even sit on the bench because it was all wet.

I considered going with Tom to his appointment later today, just to get out of the house, but I can still sit in the back and soak up some sunlight. It’s nice to have the house to myself every now and then, even if I end up doing the same things I usually do.

Yesterday, I managed to perk up, but I’m not sure I will today because the congestion has built up again. I decided to give Zyrtec another chance, hoping that since I took it early in my day, it won't cause me to oversleep and wake up groggy tomorrow. I only slept 6.5 hours, whereas I usually need 6-7 hours. Any more than that, and I feel groggy.

I watched a disturbing video from a cop's body cam. A young woman, about to graduate college with her whole life ahead of her, got drunk and killed two people on the road. As she's being given sobriety tests and then brought to the hospital, she's singing and joking, asking about her car and how she'll get to school the next day, completely oblivious or indifferent to the fact that she just killed two people. She ended up getting 14 years in prison. Yeah, like most prisoners, she’ll probably claim she found God, he's her savior, blah blah blah.

Unless it was strictly in self-defense, I can't imagine taking a life and living with the knowledge that someone no longer exists because of me. Every day, I would no doubt wonder what they would be doing if they were still alive.

The white SUV I've seen checking out Ray's place every few weeks showed up again yesterday, and I also met Charlie, one of the maintenance guys. I walked up to the kitchen window and noticed a white pickup truck parked in front of Ray's, but close to our place. I opened the door and heard the engine idling. Then an old, skinny guy came walking up between the houses with one of those pest sprayer jugs. He was actually spraying weeds back by the fence.

Being older and heavier may be out of my control, but that doesn't mean I have to be as lazy as I’ve been. Yes, I work out most days for at least 30 minutes on the glider, but that's such a mild workout that it barely counts. It’s not working my heart enough or exercising my joints the way brisk walking and light jogging do, so I’m really going to make a point of disciplining myself to hit the treadmill, even if it’s only for a few minutes every day. I’ve also incorporated stretching exercises into my routine to hopefully increase my flexibility. I would like to use the Bowflex for my arms, but I don’t know if my shoulder injury has healed enough for that yet. When I’m on the closet floor playing with the rat, I can do my abs.

The story I’m currently working on is over 60K words! My longest story is about 80K words. I doubt I’ll share it, but I might if I manage to finish it.

When I was in my late 30s to early 40s and would sometimes get hyped up and act like I was still physically and emotionally quite young, I would sometimes chide myself for it and tell myself to “grow up” much like my mother often did. Now, here I am in my late 50s wishing I could tell myself to act and feel a little more grown up. Funny how life turns out at times.

I recently watched some old restored video clips on Facebook from over 100 years ago, and they were a fascinating glimpse into the past. It’s the kind of thing you don’t think much about when you’re young, but as you get older, you come to appreciate it more. There was one scene at a beach, and I couldn’t believe how those women and girls managed to wear such long, heavy dresses, long sleeves, and bulky hats on a hot, sunny day. They wore such attire everywhere, not just at the beach, and I didn’t see any women in the water. Some even wore regular shoes, which made me wonder if they swam back then.

Yesterday was a better day than the day before, and I had decent energy. We even made a quick trip to Publix.

Today, I don’t have as much energy, which isn’t surprising. I’m tired today—not the worst kind of tired, but definitely not as energetic as yesterday. This is normal for me, and while I try to find the good in having something that’s normal for us, it’s easier said than done because I haven’t found much good in it. It renders me lazy, and I struggle to see the benefit of that. On the other hand, I can’t imagine life with my old energy levels either. This is definitely who I am now. When I see the doctor on the 19th, if they can’t help me, acceptance will likely follow. I’ve resigned myself to this being my last-ditch effort to address my fatigue and sleep issues. Even if I can’t go on vacations or move, I’d rather be stuck here than in most of the places I’ve been in the past.

I’ve now lived in the East as long as I lived in the West. I left New England when I was 26 and spent 29 years in the West. Adding the 3 years I’ve spent in the Southeast makes it an even split, at least for now.

I’ve been having fun with AI generating titles for my old journal entries. I even let it choose titles for some of my current entries, although I don’t always like its choices, so I sometimes pick my own.

I had a dream where I sold a young girl a rug with a rat design on it, which I either made or bought, and later regretted.

In another part of the dream, we were living in our old house in Phoenix, and I observed a rat in the back room walking around its cage. Since we were about to move, it was temporarily housed in an aquarium, but the rat had long legs, almost like a cat. I was amused by its actions and tried not to laugh too loudly because Tom was asleep.

Then, I walked through the kitchen and was entering the living room when I saw the front door opening and two men standing outside. At first, I thought the door had blown open or wasn’t locked, but as it widened, I saw that they were detectives. One of them asked if I was who I was, and I said yes. The detective then extended their hand for a handshake, but instead of shaking it, I froze, feeling a mix of anger about the unlocked door and fear that I was going to be arrested.

“What's going on?” I asked, then quickly added, “Let me wake up my husband.” Although I didn’t know why, I felt I was in trouble and wanted Tom to know where I was if they took me away.

Then the dream ended, and I woke up relieved to realize it was just a crazy dream. Back when the freeloaders and their connections to law enforcement were using the law against me, I would have loved to wake up in the comfort and safety of my own bed, knowing it was just a horrible dream. I’ve never forgiven them for what they did to me and never will. If we were suddenly living in a lawless land…ohhh…

I got a great photo of a rabbit in the backyard yesterday morning, as well as tons of snails on the fence to show Doc A. I also shared a picture of the tortoise with her.

She and someone else were out walking in Auburn when they spotted a mama bear with her cubs, which they took pictures of. I had no idea there were bears in that area! If I had stepped outside the trailer and seen that, I would have been absolutely terrified, no matter how cute they might be.

Indoors right here, there have been a few scattered ants and a silverfish. It's definitely time to bomb again, and we’ll be doing that within the next couple of weeks.

I’m feeling better tonight than I did last night, even if it feels like my life might still be over, lol. I keep forgetting to use my happy light. I have a small one on my desk in the bedroom, and I want to get a bigger one for the other desk.

I sat outside for about 10 minutes yesterday morning, but not in direct sunlight since the sun hadn’t risen high enough yet. It still seemed to be enough to perk me up.

Yesterday, I had symptoms that suggested I might be low on thyroid, but also some that suggested otherwise. I had horrible fatigue and felt a little cold at times, but then my heart was racing, and I felt a bit anxious for a few hours. I read that a racing heart caused by wine can be a symptom of heart trouble, as it can be if it races for no apparent reason. But my heart doesn’t always race when I have wine, and there’s no way I could have heart issues after being thoroughly tested less than a year ago. I really wish I could test my TSH whenever I wanted!

While I’ve got the energy, I’m going to take advantage of it and get some more miles on the road. I’m 10% through my ride, but I’m going to need to get to about 40% to get out of Russia.

I got a distressing message from Becky. The first known Valleyhead sister to die has passed away. Her name was Kyle, and she and Becky were cousins. I didn’t have any problems with Kyle, but we weren’t close either. She had MS. Becky said her mother had babies for 24 years and was burned to death at 9 months pregnant, which Kyle witnessed. Also, Becky’s uncle died, so I can see why she’s a mess, as she said.

What a horrible, horrible tragedy! Poor Kyle. I can’t imagine witnessing something so terrifying, gross, and horrible. Becky said that’s why she freaked out when the fire alarm went off. I don’t remember her freaking out, but I do remember another girl freaking out. Her name might have been June.

Feeling hopeless when it comes to my fatigue and sleep issues and trying not to let them get me down. Not doing a very good job, though.

My homemade cheese crackers came out awesome! I'm making another batch now.

I'm learning recipes from Kathy, and Jessie is learning from me. She wants to make the crackers and the chicken dinner I made. I slow-cooked a chicken thigh in the small cooker with a butter ball, sugar snap peas, and mushrooms.

I just got done whipping up a creamy cucumber shrimp salad, and that too, is pretty good.

Brought out the rabbit silkscreen and began another painting which I'm sure will end up looking pretty bad when I'm done with it, but I hate to let things sit there unused and waste the money. I'm letting it dry and then I'll slowly add detail to the rabbit as well as the background.

Looks like the first Temu package, which was split into three, will arrive with my foot callus remover. I got Keri lotion because it’s a bit greasy and thought it would be good for my dry skin. It definitely helps. I like the way it smells—sort of like suntan lotion. You wouldn't think one’s skin would be so dry in a humid climate, but not only am I older, but when you're indoors with AC running nearly year-round, it will dry your skin out. My scalp is just the opposite. I've always had an oily scalp.

He sprayed for ants, but I saw one running around the edge of the sink again after not seeing any for a few days. They seem to show up right after sundown and always by or in the sink, so I'm guessing they are coming in by the window next to it. I thought ants were active in the daytime, though. Well, not these ants. They're pretty big too. I don't know if they bite, and I'm not going to find out either.

So I was up later yesterday after napping, and the same thing happened tonight when I woke up tired and napped later on. Only this time around, the nap seemed to help until a little while ago when I felt my energy deflating like a popped bubble. It's frustrating as hell. I need to get out and into the sunshine, but that's not easy to do when you're up all night. I should be able to catch some morning sun in a few hours.

To work on the site I work on, you have to answer a series of screening questions so they know which studies to include you in. Well, just like they consider Tom old, I guess they consider me suicidal because I got a long study with several questions pertaining to that, but it paid well. I just feel empty and hopeless, even though my life is mostly ideal, and I'm not suffering physically or emotionally nearly as much as I did from 2014 to 2021.

The problem is, I just go right into a new long-term issue when I finally get rid of one, and now it's fatigue and lack of energy.

While I haven't been feeling like I want to kill myself, I've been feeling like my life is over, mostly because of my lack of energy and sleep issues. The other part is not having a lot of extra money. Other than Tom, Jessie, and Andy if he found out about it, I realize that no one would give a shit if I dropped dead right now. I mean, really give a shit.

I honestly can't remember the last time I was grateful to be alive. Maybe after we survived the recession was the last time. I almost feel like I'm just going through the motions of life until it's over. Like I'm in this unseen waiting room that lies between life and death. Like my life has ended, and I'm waiting for the death part of it. I don't know why I feel this way, even though I have plenty of things to do around the house to keep me busy. But even with all those things, I do the same things every day, and more than half the time I don't have much energy. I don't get out nearly as much as I'd like to due to a combination of being on nights half the time and not having much money to do anything. Life seems to be about having energy and money.

At least it won’t cost anything to go sit in the back later on and make use of our new bench. I want to try to get 10 minutes of sunlight every day that I possibly can.

I definitely didn't sleep as well and remember waking up a lot, as well as to use the bathroom. Again, the ophthalmologist was in one of my dreams, and I'm trying to figure out why the hell he's popping into my dreams like this. It's really weird. He never made any impression on me, good or bad, so it must be something on his end, although I don't see what kind of impression I could have possibly made on him either way. I mean, what's unique about me that could have stood out? We only spoke about my eyes and nothing else. Okay, so my eyelashes are a little longer than most, and I have green eyes, which is the rarest eye color, but in his profession, I'm sure he's seen his fair share of this.

Anyway, in the dream, Tom was somewhere else, and I had to wait so long to see the doctor. In fact, due to the long waiting times, he set up a bunch of beds in his waiting room, lol. After a 4-hour wait, he came into the room with a heavy-set, middle-aged blonde woman who had her hair in a ponytail. He told her to make sure she did something, although I'm not sure what that was. Then I thought I should text Tom and let him know I was finally going to be seen soon so he could be ready to pick me up.

In another dream, Tom and I drove up to Massachusetts. We would never even fly up there. Haven't been there since 1992, and I can't imagine ever returning.

I'll schedule this to publish around noon when I should be sound asleep. 

When I'm alone in the dead of night, wishing I could always be on days, my mind starts to wander, speculate, and analyze. I've often been quick to say we live in a Godless world because of all the terrible things I see happening, but sometimes I'm not entirely sure of that. I don't see God the way most believers do. I’m not convinced that God is necessarily a loving being with our lives carefully planned out. 

But could the fact that Tom got a job just in the nick of time when the recession hit be a sign that I have at least a guardian angel? One that doesn’t stop bad things from happening to me, but at least keeps me from being destroyed? 

When I think about what my life would have been like if I’d never met Tom, it literally sends chills through me. My sleep disorder wasn't even recognized or fully understood back in the early ‘90s, and I would have had to somehow struggle to work for at least 10 years to maybe qualify for disability benefits—and I stress the word maybe. People often don’t get what they need or deserve. Just because you're eligible for unemployment doesn’t mean you’ll receive it. Just because you need a particular medication doesn’t mean you’ll get it. So, just because I should never have been cut from disability benefits doesn’t mean I would have been able to get them back. 

Yet, there’s no way I could have worked as my sleep disorder worsened with age, and when all the fatigue set in. It’s things like this that sometimes make me wonder. Is it a coincidence that I ended up with someone who loves me enough to accept me as I am, and, in the end, basically keeps me alive?

Yay! Tom’s lab results are great! His TSH is 3.25 (lucky guy), and his cholesterol is low, though it has always been low. His glucose is 84, and he said he can't remember it ever being that low. His A1C has dropped from 6.2 to 5.8, which surprised me. While it’s an improvement, it’s still considered pre-diabetic; I thought the pre-diabetic range was 6.0 to 6.4, but it’s actually 5.7 to 6.4. So, he’s still slightly pre-diabetic. This gives me hope that if cutting back on sugar could drop him four points, it could bring me into the normal range since I was at 6.0. Genetics could still eventually work against us, but this gives me hope for the immediate future.

There’s no way my cholesterol will be even close to good, but hopefully, my TSH won't be too out of whack. I'm going to try my best to get it into the single digits, but I won't increase the vitamins until it gets closer to my lab appointment.

Even though I'll never lose weight, and I doubt Tom will either, going keto is definitely the smart thing to do. It’s much healthier. Yes, most sugary snacks do taste better than sugar-free ones, but there are still plenty of yummy sugar-free options. The cookie dough fat bombs I made were so good that Tom only let himself have one because he knew he’d get carried away, lol. They’re very sweet and rich-tasting. The brown sugar substitute called Swerve is amazing—it looks, tastes, and smells like the real thing!

The next thing I’m going to try is making my own cheese crackers. I got ultra-thin Sargento cheddar cheese, and after cutting each slice into fours, I'm going to lay them out on parchment paper and bake them at 250° for 45 minutes. It says to check every 5 minutes, and I will because we do have a bit of a kick-ass oven.

I can’t take Zyrtec anymore. It makes me sleep too long and leaves me groggy and hungover the next day. I’m still a little fuzzy-brained, and I got up at 7:30 p.m. I’m going to have to use the spray, but only when the congestion gets bad. I just hope that if we ever move, I don’t have epic sneezing fits wherever we go.

I’m still not sure if there are any foods that leave me tired the next day, but I spotted an entry of mine from 2015 that mentioned feeling perkier since cutting back on carbs. I had good energy yesterday and the day before, but I also took ibuprofen before bed, and I wonder if that’s why I slept sounder.

Yesterday’s glass of wine made my heart race. I don’t know why, but it does this every now and then. Maybe I sipped it too quickly. I probably won’t have any tonight.

I began watching FBI and like it even if there’s too much of America’s favorite subject. It’s by the same producer, Dick Wolf, who produced Law & Order.

The Muslim guy with a leading role was quoted as saying he wants to show the world that Muslims and Arabs aren’t bad.

LOL, yeah, tell that to the Israelis.

I might watch PD True as well.

I was about to edit and post this but then I ended up taking a 90-minute nap. I don’t know why, but it’s been a wonderfully plane-free night since I first got up early in the evening. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever gone that long without hearing something flying up there. Ironically, it comes after yet another complaint to the FAA, but I don’t think it’s connected to that—people just don’t care.

Finally, a day with decent energy! Why, oh why, can't it be like this most of the time instead of some of the time?

I was thinking earlier, and despite the fact that I hold firm in my decision to never forgive my parents and wasn't kidding when I said I wouldn't have anything to do with them if they were suddenly alive again, they did pull me out of the quicksand a few times. I'll give them that much. First, if they had never sent me to Arizona, I would never have met Tom. If they hadn't paid for a few nights at the hotel in 2007, we would have been on the streets a lot longer than 36 hours. Lastly, although it was material things, they also sent a lot of clothes and household items that were very helpful and came in handy.

I noticed my tinnitus is getting a little louder. It used to only be noticeable when it was dead quiet, but now I notice it with soft sounds. I really hope it's not something that's going to keep getting worse and worse!

I made another Temu order:

• A set of 7 colorful thongs in a smaller size since the last set I got is a little big on me.

• An electric foot file to buff off calluses.

• Super thin socks that won’t make my feet too hot yet should help protect them from this evil carpet I'm likely stuck with for the rest of my life.

• Plastic shoes for around the pool which we haven't been to in a while.

• Cleaning sheets I want to try. You throw them in the toilet or on the floor and as long as you wet them, they're supposed to be good for cleaning.

• Auspicious incense.

• Eyelash serum I also want to try. I've always had long, thick eyelashes. As I've aged, though, they’re still long but not as thick. I want to see if this stuff is as good as it claims to be as far as thickening the lashes goes.

The fucking mowers woke me up even though it was only for a second and I did sleep better. Tom said they were unusually loud today and came right up to the house with a really loud edger. They were supposed to come tomorrow instead, so had I known they were going to come today, I would have set up the second echo. I don't know, though. They were so fucking loud that I don't know if it would have done me any good.

I had a dream that we were so broke and didn't own anything anymore and were renting a room the size of a hotel room somewhere. He must have been his real age because he was still retired, and I remember wondering to myself if our only hope of ever owning a place again would be to go to a miserably cold and snowy climate. But I must have been young and slim again because, at the same time, I was having an affair with a young woman.

While I was at it, I started to get excited when an older woman announced that she would be teaching a painting class. Expecting it to be a $10 class, I asked how much the class cost and she said it was $52, so that was out of the question.

I don't know why I've been having a lot of poverty dreams. We're not literally “poor.” We don't yet have the kind of extra spending money we had in Cali, but we'll get there.

On a scale of 1 to 10, my fatigue is a definite 10 today. While I was in a good mood yesterday, today I feel frustrated and hopeless. I really fear I'm never going to resolve this problem and find out everything that's causing it, much less what to do about it. So much for thinking the waterbed and the vitamins were my saviors because they're not.

I can say that I definitely slept poorly. Had to get up to pee and just kept waking up a lot. It still seems that my body should have slept long enough to make up for it, though. Even a nap later on didn't help. I'm just physically exhausted through and through. I still don't know if it's mostly tied into my sleep, the Zyrtec I took yesterday, something I ate, my thyroid, or if I've simply developed chronic fatigue. Even on the days I have energy, it's still not like it used to be.

I really would have loved to have been able to test my TSH the day I felt wound up as well as today. Tom said he keeps checking to see if there’s a home test available. When there is, I'm sure it will cost a fortune. You can now test your A1C for just $65, but you only get four tests.

I would really love to try a custom mouthguard for sleep apnea for a while and see if that helped. I did notice that after I got back into bed after getting up to pee, I felt short of breath. It was almost like I couldn't take a deep enough breath. This lasted a little while, and then I drifted back off only to wake up many times along the way.

Maybe it was the subconscious stress of worrying about being woken up by the storm, but unlike every other storm I've experienced here that's either all thunder and no rain or a mix of both, this was 95% rain. I was definitely right to believe this would be a wetter summer because it's never rained that much that long so far since being here. It went on and on all night long without much of a break. It was nice and soothing to hear the sound of the rain. It's also amazing just how much the ground can absorb here. If it rained like this in Arizona or even California or Oregon, we would be flooded to hell and back. We did get flooded a few times during monsoon storms in Arizona.

The good thing is that I was surprised to hear from Adonis from his account in his real name, even though he'll always be Adonis to me. I sent him a message a while back telling him that Facebook wouldn't let me add him, and when I didn't get a reply, I figured he got sick of me and ghosted. But then I got a message saying that the same thing happened with his niece and that Facebook was weird. It still wouldn't let me add him, but I replied to his message and allowed for friend requests. He's following me, and he liked one of my comments in a public group, which was a little strange. I know Facebook is anti-privacy even though they claim otherwise, but I wish all groups were private. It shouldn't be anybody's business but the group members’ what I'm sharing in groups. Nothing I do or that anyone else does should be anyone's business unless we choose to make it their business.

A little worried to find I only got one shitty-paying job available to me today. Also, I expected my pending jobs to pay up, but they haven't. Let me guess, since all good things have to come to an end, this is when I start making less and less money, right? Yet he's getting tons of jobs, which he says is only because he's old and that they seem to have a lot of studies for old people. Yeah, and I've always seemed to have a no-making-money rule on me. 🙁

Apparently, the ants of Florida are invincible. The hurricane rains rinsed off the ant spray Tom sprayed outside the kitchen window, which is where they’re getting in, and now they’re back. One was in the sink, and I scalded it with hot water. A few minutes later, there it was climbing out of the sink drain. I sprayed it with ant spray, and it was still running to climb the walls of the sink, so I finally hosed it back down and sprayed the area some more, including around the inside of the window.

I had tons of dreams last night, even though I only remember bits and pieces of them. I was discussing multi-dimensions and space-time with Tom and telling him I didn't get how space-time worked, and then I was unable to find my purse, which seems to be a popular dream I have.

Then I dreamed I was dancing again and quickly had to quit because of my schedule and sleep issues. I really liked the extra money and was really depressed at the thought of quitting, knowing I couldn't explain why to anyone at the club or my parents, who seemed to be alive in the dream because I knew they either wouldn't get it or wouldn't believe me.

So I draped a light jacket over my shoulders and began to walk home to wherever I lived, but before I got very far, I realized I had forgotten my purse and hurried back nearly in a panic. What is it with me and purse dreams? Used to be being naked in public, and now it's the purse.

I then had a dream that the economy was going downhill, and the possibility of another serious recession loomed around the corner. When I told Tom about that dream, he said it wouldn't affect us since he's not working. That much would be great! No doubt about it.

The most worrisome but far from surprising dream was having to increase my thyroid medication. I'm going to do everything I can, however, to keep that from becoming a dream premonition and not just a dream. I just wonder how much of this fatigue is connected to that. Another fear I have is that it's either going to be taking enough meds to have energy but be anxious, or take just enough to keep from being anxious but be exhausted instead. I just can't win no matter what I do.

I also can't shake that dismal feeling that my life is over. Not that I'm going to die anytime soon, of course, which I kind of have mixed emotions about, but I do worry that due to a lack of money and energy, we’ve basically lived our lives. He doesn't feel that way, but that's because he worked for decades. I told him he may feel that way in another decade or so, but he doesn't think so. I hope not, for his sake.

“You were a really good artist,” Tom said to me when I got up. He was going through old stuff and found an old drive. He wanted to see if it would boot up, and it did. On it was all the wall art I did using markers that we would seal with clear paint, our wedding video as well as other videos, journals, and tons of pics. We painted over the artwork when we sold the house, but damn, I really made a circus out of the place, LOL. I definitely had a strange and unique way of decorating. Anyway, yeah, some of the wall art did look good. We forgot about some of it too, like Bugs Bunny, which I drew in the bedroom. Some of it looked kind of childish, but some was pretty good. Even a couple of paintings I did were good, and it’s surprising because I can’t paint to save my life these days, although the old paintings in the ‘90s were done with oil paints and not acrylics.

As is usually the case, I’m struggling with fatigue today. I woke up too soon and wasn’t able to get back to sleep. So another day of feeling yucky, but honestly, this has become so normal that I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

Getting a lot of rain today from the tropical storm. Voluntary evacuations were issued, but we kind of laughed at that because it’s not going to come anywhere near us. It’s heading for the panhandle and will then be a Cat 1. The more of a straight line the ocean has to your place, the faster it can pick up speed and the more likely you are to get hit by it. But because it would have to curve more than it usually does, things entering the Gulf tend to miss us. We still get a lot of rain from it, though. But even if a Cat 5 formed in the Gulf and hit us straight on, we would likely be OK because we’re several miles inland. Even the guy who died who owned Happy said that most hurricanes and storms end up heading north of here. Tornadoes are more of a threat than anything else.

Took a Zyrtec today and didn’t seem to get any more tired than I already am, so I guess I will see if that helps just as much as the spray did. It would be a cheaper alternative, too.

Gonna get some white chrome paint for the stove. A little part of the paint chipped when I was trying to scrub off the brown spots that would form. Nothing I use can get rid of it completely, but Windex seems to make it fade a lot.

We got the wall tiles a few days ago; they’re extremely thin, so we’re going to use those on the interior walls and get thicker stuff for the exterior walls.

I’m also going to try using a second Echo to play nature sounds when I sleep when the bastard returns with its motorcycle. I need to have something between me and the sound. So if I put an extra Echo by the window and play it louder than the one by my head, it might do a better job masking the sound. I won’t use it when I’m sleeping at night. It will only be for when the mowers are coming when I’m on nights, or if I think there’s a chance he may ride the motorcycle. Again, a person shouldn’t have to live that way, but it’s better than nothing. Part of it is what we live in. Sound penetrates manufactured homes very easily.

Noticed some burning down there yesterday, and I was like, “Oh no, not this shit again.” But after a dose of Kindra, everything has been fine.

Another picture from Andy, but I’m not even going to open it. I could tell him why, but rather than upset him with stuff he’s not gonna get or remember anyway, I’ll just stay quiet.

Got a thunderstorm earlier and I guess it's supposed to storm again tomorrow morning so it can wake me up.

They're not kidding when they say that red meat can steal your energy. I made myself a beef patty, and after I ate it, my energy deflated like a balloon, and I ended up taking a nap. So that's one more thing I need to avoid in the future. I'm getting pretty tired of the lack of variety.

Fucking Facebook and its refusal to respect privacy! My only option is to let everybody send me friend requests or allow friends of friends, but I would prefer not to receive any requests at all. I got a request from an older guy who claims to be from Berlin, Germany, and now lives in New York. His only friend is one of my neighbors, which is pretty suspicious. He claims he was browsing Facebook, saw my profile, and thought he should say hello. I asked why he only had one friend and if he would say hello if I were a guy. We'll see what he has to say to that! However, I'm not adding him because I'm not interested in adding anyone else at this time, especially someone I don't even know.

Andy also sent me a picture of a doll appearing to have a confused look on its face, and I stupidly clicked it open out of curiosity. I thought that if I marked it as unread, it wouldn't appear as seen. But according to what I looked up, it still shows as being seen. Damn me! I still stand strong in my decision not to reconnect with him. We have nothing in common anymore, he forgets every other thing I tell him, and a real friend doesn't tell me that every other thing I say is either a lie or just an excuse. Especially one who should know me better. And let's not forget all those "opinions" that are really false beliefs and the you're-just like me shit.

A tropical storm warning is in effect. Hopefully, we'll get just rain and not too much wind, and definitely not lose power. The manager emailed everyone to make sure we're stocked up on gas, cash, food, etc., and gave all kinds of other tips and pointers, even though evacuations aren't expected. There was also a notice about it in the park group.

Yesterday, I felt a bit anxious and a little off emotionally. I figure my TSH is pushing down. I stopped taking the multivitamins for a couple of days and cut my waiting time a little bit. I also cut my waiting time before coffee to 20 minutes.

At first, I wasn't going to say anything, knowing it wouldn’t change anything. But then I realized that if everyone has that attitude, we're really guaranteed no positive change. Therefore, I took a chance and messaged the new manager, asking him to please consider banning motorcycles and explained why I was asking. It won't do me any good, but at least I will have tried.

Got our new bench. It’s comfortable and the perfect height for short people. He just has to powder the area for ants. It's quite hot and humid, but nice. Today's storm is all thunder and no rain, at least so far. The only unfortunate thing is that the planes are plentiful as usual. The bench is going to be by the AC, though, so when it's running, I won't hear them. I'll bring my phone out most of the time to play on and also listen to music.

We saw the Barbie movie yesterday, and we both agreed it was stupid. He watched the whole thing, but I gave up after 12 minutes.

Since it had been about a month since we last went to a fast food place, we went to KFC yesterday. I expected to be tired today because of it, but I'm not. I guess fried chicken is a little healthier than the burgers we used to get, and I didn't have many of the fries because they weren't that good.

My schedule has been making these mad two-hour jumps lately, so I'm keeping a log of my wake-up times for the next couple of weeks so he can adjust the program that helps predict when to schedule appointments. Looking at my Fitbit history, it seems I've been sleeping closer to eight hours rather than seven, especially since getting the new bed.

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream about being so worried about inflation. Last night, however, I got to have some fun dreams for a change. I've never been a bird person, but I had a parakeet, and I would draw figure eights on the table, and it would happily chase my hand. Rats do that, but I don't know if birds do.

In another dream, I had a large guinea pig, and every time I would make a tapping sound on a tabletop or something, it would leap up into my arms with affection.