Oh, to be able to have some questions answered. Most people wouldn't want to know when they were going to die, but that's been one of the things I've been most curious about. When will Tom die? How will we die? Is there an afterlife? Is there intelligent life on other planets? Either way, I still have mixed emotions about living and living as long as he does. I wouldn't want to die now and desert him for the 15 or so years he has left, but the thought of living another 15 years with my health and sleep issues is certainly a daunting one.

I'm back to sleeping shitty. I have trouble falling asleep, and then I wake up in the middle of my sleep, struggling to go back to sleep. I usually have to take either clonazepam or melatonin to fall asleep or get back to sleep, and it's getting old because it's leaving me exhausted. I woke up at 2:30, which was 4 hours earlier than I was scheduled to get up today. Part of me wishes I'd just stayed up and assumed my body woke up because it got all the sleep it needed, even though it was only 4.5 hours. Instead, I took half of a clonazepam and ended up sleeping 3 hours later than I planned to get up. I worry about my schedule due to appointments, of course, and Tom always says don't worry because it will all even out in the end. I sure hope so because that's quite a jump I just made. Maybe it's time to start planning on longer days and shorter sleeps. My body just doesn't usually want to go to sleep after being up 16 hours anymore, and 5 to 6 hours of sleep is about right for me now as opposed to 7 or 8. So I'll plan on being up for 18 hours today. Not liking the idea of being up longer because that's more time I have to fill. Less threat to my sleep from things that could potentially wake me up, but still. Right now I feel like my schedule is all over the place, and I woke up horribly groggy when I got up for good. When I got up in the afternoon, however, I was short of breath.

A medical group showed up in my feed asking people to talk about their OSA experiences. I shared my story, and then I found a post where a guy says he's been on CPAP therapy for months and his doctors say it's relieving most of his apneas, but he's not feeling any better or well rested. Another guy says he's been on CPAP therapy for two years, never feels rested, is always tired, and even lost over 50 pounds. He was also told that 30% of people with sleep apnea do not get better, and he's in that category. Starting to wonder if I am too, even though I do have other health issues contributing to my fatigue. The most surprising post was someone saying that their AHI scores have improved, but not their oxygen levels. I'm still experiencing shortness of breath on and off, mostly when lying down, and I wonder if there's a connection. Another question for the pulmonologist in October.

I can't say I have no interest in things. There are lots of things I like to do. But life doesn't hold the shine and the promise it once held for me. I don't feel a sense of hope and excitement for new experiences and adventures. Routine is comfortable and safe, but it sure can be boring and predictable at times. Yet at our ages and with our income, our options are limited. I wish I could see the future through Tom's eyes. He would love to live forever, or at least close enough to it, and feels there's so much to do. Most of what he likes to do is at home and usually related to computers or electronics because, like me, he's a homebody. But I'm starting to see the future more and more as one big waiting game. I'm just waiting for the finish line.

Today's my cyberbestie's birthday. He definitely makes the internet more fun! Just wish I could be there or he could be here to celebrate, even though I'll only be up for half the day.